Need Feedback if these are Signs of BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Please help me with this if you can.  My T swears my ex is BPD, would bet money on it.  Several people in the mental health field have told me my ex is exhibiting symptoms of mental illness, either BPD or Bipolar.  Many of my friends that work either as therapists or in the holistic field have said the same thing.  But as there is no official diagnosis (and probably never will be), I feel I need some confirmation/validation.  My mind keeps going back to the scenario that I am to blame, and maybe there was some way I could have kept the relationship together.  I know I wasn't perfect, and would get insecure and whiny when I felt him pull away.  There were times when I would get angry and overreact, but I would always have that moment of self-awareness and apologize if I said anything hurtful.  I never pulled away or cut him off, never lied or cheated, never called him names, ect.  

These are the things that happened in our relationship that I think may indicate him being BPD:

He told me he loved me after 3 weeks of dating (we knew each other for three years prior, so I didn't question it that much).

He gave me the keys to his apartment after a month.

He told me we were soulmates, and that he could psychically see our prior past lives when we made love.

It was amazing, best connection ever, best sex ever, best everything ever... .

Then he started to slow down initiating sex, after about 5 months into having it.  (We were in a relationship for 8 months total)

He would abruptly want to change plans, and felt I was controlling when I got upset over this.

He was deeply triangulating (read definition) with another, much older female who admitted to me she was in love with him.  He would have to go see her every day, and talk to her every day as well.  She would even plan our dates - she completely planned the birthday trip he took me on, and she tried to plan our Valentine's together.  We would end up arguing when he wanted to spend our day off together going to visit her.  I asked him why he needed to do this if he spent every other day of the week there, and it would turn into a big argument.

He told me right up until the day before he decided to break up with me that he loved me, that I was God's gift to him, that I was incredible and the most supportive woman he ever dated.  

Then he abruptly broke up with me by email.  When I drove up to his place to confront him he was completely detached and showed no emotion, even though I was crying hysterically.

He threw out every reminder of me, every card, picture, ect.  I saw them in a plastic bag waiting to go into the trash.

One week later he unfriended me on facebook. I had my one and only crazy moment where I drove up there.  I called first, but he wouldn't answer the phone.  Then I rang his bell. Finally when someone else came out of the building I walked in and went up to his apartment. (I know this was wrong, but I also had the keys to his apartment for 7 months, and had given them back a week prior. My brain hadn't caught up to the fact of how quickly things had changed yet).  He told me to get the ef out, and that he could call the police on me.  I was very calm and tried to get him to talk to me.  He kept refusing.  Finally I got up to leave, gave him a kiss on top of his head as my way of a final goodbye (I wasn't planning on any type of recycle - friends or otherwise).  He visibly shuddered with revulsion.  He didn't even look like the same person I had been with for 8 months. (A week or so earlier I had been his "precious baby girl" and his "earth angel".

Then one week later he emails me "Hi... . I hope you're doing good!"  Like he had never broken my heart, threw out my stuff, unfriended me on facebook, and threatened to call the police when I tried to have the "closure" conversation.  

A couple of months after that, he emails me, "Hello there, I hope you're doing great, and that you have lots of kick ass stuff going on in your life!"  Like nothing ever happened.  Like we had been the most casual of aquaintences that happened to not be in touch for a while.  Like he hadn't promised me a life together.  I never answered either of his emails.

There are other things, like him mirroring me professionally and spiritually while we were together, and then acting post breakup like these things have always been a part of him.  Like him accusing me of trying to control him.  Ect, ect, ect.  

I just need to know one more time, does this sound like BPD?  I know I've posted here a lot, but I miss him so much, and my mind keeps going back to "maybe it was my fault", "maybe I could have made it work" etc... .

I appreciate any feedback.  Thanks.

[leftbehind]

Please help me with this if you can.  My T swears my ex is BPD, would bet money on it.  Several people in the mental health field have told me my ex is exhibiting symptoms of mental illness, either BPD or Bipolar.  Many of my friends that work either as therapists or in the holistic field have said the same thing.  But as there is no official diagnosis (and probably never will be), I feel I need some confirmation/validation.  My mind keeps going back to the scenario that I am to blame, and maybe there was some way I could have kept the relationship together.  I know I wasn't perfect, and would get insecure and whiny when I felt him pull away.  There were times when I would get angry and overreact, but I would always have that moment of self-awareness and apologize if I said anything hurtful.  I never pulled away or cut him off, never lied or cheated, never called him names, ect.  

These are the things that happened in our relationship that I think may indicate him being BPD:

He told me he loved me after 3 weeks of dating (we knew each other for three years prior, so I didn't question it that much).

He gave me the keys to his apartment after a month.

He told me we were soulmates, and that he could psychically see our prior past lives when we made love.

It was amazing, best connection ever, best sex ever, best everything ever... .

Then he started to slow down initiating sex, after about 5 months into having it.  (We were in a relationship for 8 months total)

He would abruptly want to change plans, and felt I was controlling when I got upset over this.

He was deeply triangulating (read definition) with another, much older female who admitted to me she was in love with him.  He would have to go see her every day, and talk to her every day as well.  She would even plan our dates - she completely planned the birthday trip he took me on, and she tried to plan our Valentine's together.  We would end up arguing when he wanted to spend our day off together going to visit her.  I asked him why he needed to do this if he spent every other day of the week there, and it would turn into a big argument.

He told me right up until the day before he decided to break up with me that he loved me, that I was God's gift to him, that I was incredible and the most supportive woman he ever dated.  

Then he abruptly broke up with me by email.  When I drove up to his place to confront him he was completely detached and showed no emotion, even though I was crying hysterically.

He threw out every reminder of me, every card, picture, ect.  I saw them in a plastic bag waiting to go into the trash.

One week later he unfriended me on facebook. I had my one and only crazy moment where I drove up there.  I called first, but he wouldn't answer the phone.  Then I rang his bell. Finally when someone else came out of the building I walked in and went up to his apartment. (I know this was wrong, but I also had the keys to his apartment for 7 months, and had given them back a week prior. My brain hadn't caught up to the fact of how quickly things had changed yet).  He told me to get the ef out, and that he could call the police on me.  I was very calm and tried to get him to talk to me.  He kept refusing.  Finally I got up to leave, gave him a kiss on top of his head as my way of a final goodbye (I wasn't planning on any type of recycle - friends or otherwise).  He visibly shuddered with revulsion.  He didn't even look like the same person I had been with for 8 months. (A week or so earlier I had been his "precious baby girl" and his "earth angel".

Then one week later he emails me "Hi... . I hope you're doing good!"  Like he had never broken my heart, threw out my stuff, unfriended me on facebook, and threatened to call the police when I tried to have the "closure" conversation.  

A couple of months after that, he emails me, "Hello there, I hope you're doing great, and that you have lots of kick ass stuff going on in your life!"  Like nothing ever happened.  Like we had been the most casual of aquaintences that happened to not be in touch for a while.  Like he hadn't promised me a life together.  I never answered either of his emails.

There are other things, like him mirroring me professionally and spiritually while we were together, and then acting post breakup like these things have always been a part of him.  Like him accusing me of trying to control him.  Ect, ect, ect.  

I just need to know one more time, does this sound like BPD?  I know I've posted here a lot, but I miss him so much, and my mind keeps going back to "maybe it was my fault", "maybe I could have made it work" etc... .

I appreciate any feedback.  Thanks.

[marbleloser]

Would it make any difference to you if he were to go to a T and find out he isn't BPD?

What would you think and do if you were to hear that?

[mango_flower]

It screams BPD to me.

[leftbehind]

Thank you, Mango Flower  Marble loser, I probably couldn't do anything different, as it's over by his choice.  Probably blame myself, since I have that tendency anyway.

But the thing is, I do think there is some type of mental illness there.  He was getting what I consider dissociative the last couple of months we were together.  Not every time, maybe every 2nd or 3rd time we'd meet.  His voice would change, so would his mannerisms, and he would be like a little kid. 

He also started to tell me the last few months that he goes through periods of not wanting or needing sex.  Right before he broke it off he told me he felt asexual.  Not that it's a sign of mental illness, but I think there are many sides to him, almost like DID.

Now I hear he thinks he can channel Jesus from some mutual friends that are still in touch with him.  I told my T and she said that is Religious Grandiosity and that it's very common in mentally ill people.

My T is also telling me that I have a very high tolerance for eccentric behavior in others, which is why I question myself instead of the other person.  So I'm just trying to make sense of all this.  I always loved him and thought he was very special, so even with all the signs I still end up wishing we had been able to work it out.  I think a part of my brain is still in denial that he might be mentally ill.  So guess I'm looking for a reality check of sorts here.

[TheDude]

Just a couple of thoughts -

It doesn't seem very objective or professional for a therapist or mental health worker to 'diagnose' anyone other than a client (in which case, this information should be completely confidential).

Second, if his behavior is repeatedly unacceptable to you, and you've accepted that it's not conducive to being in a relationship with him, does a specific label really matter?

[marbleloser]

 Regardless of a label,you see things that aren't quite "right" and you weren't exactly treated the best either.Sometimes we put more emphasis on the disorder and making sure we're not the one's with the problem.In doing that,it helps to reassure our views and validate us,but it can keep us stuck as well.Focusing on the former SO and their disorder,rather than asking,"Why did I not see this before?","Why did I stay through all of that?", or "What is it about me that feels so hurt by someone who didn't treat me the way I should be treated?"

This is where the real work and healing takes place.We've all been in that place where we needed validation that it wasn't us.I think you can safely say that it wasn't you,leftbehind.You're questioning yourself helps to prove that.A disordered person has a very difficult time admitting mistakes or even thinking they have a problem.

[leftbehind]

thanks everyone.  The thing is, he treated me really well, even when he was getting what I consider dissociative toward the end.  I would have stayed with him, I loved him and accepted him how he was.  I thought he was unique and special.  It's true it upset me when I saw he didn't need or want sex as much as I did, but I considered that my problem in the sense that I needed to adjust my expectations.

The part that bothers me is that he broke it off out of the blue, after months of telling me how in love he was, for no apparent reason other than he said he had a spiritual shift.  When I volunteered that I was sorry that I was being controlling, he jumped on that.  But there was very little I ever tried to "control" him about.  In reality I think I was trying to come up with anything to make it be my fault.  If it's my fault, I can fix it, right? 

The only bad thing he ever did to me was discard me with no emotion, no empathy, all of a sudden and without giving me a reason, and treat me like my energy was suddenly toxic.  So I don't have the horror stories that many other people have here.  It really did seem like he had some type of breakdown, but who knows? 

I hear from many people now that they consider him having some type of mental illness.  Yes, my T is one of them.  And I saw signs of this in him myself, but only in the last month before the breakup. 

It's been three months, and I'm still struggling to accept that his decision is final, and there is no going back and fixing our relationship.  I guess if I accept the fact that he's unstable, I can finally stop blaming myself for failing at the relationship.  It truly felt like he was the love of my life, and he told me many times that I was his.  Is it normal to tell someone you are incredibly in love with them, and then look to break up with them 4 days later, claiming you had a spiritual shift?

[Billa]

It's been three months, and I'm still struggling to accept that his decision is final, and there is no going back and fixing our relationship.  I guess if I accept the fact that he's unstable, I can finally stop blaming myself for failing at the relationship. 

well, I'm sure my ex is unstable (as it happened to you  it was my T who told me about the possibility he was BPD and also my exBF told me very seriously that "he was crazy"  -and in his blog, in october 2005 he wrote that "now it was official he was crazy"-) but this isn't helping me at all, as I blame myself for not having being able to cope with the problem.

[schwing]

Hi leftbehind,

I understand that it is difficult accepting... . many things about your BPD relationship: that it's over, that he has detached from you, that you were unhappy or at least unhealthy in this relationship.  Part of our questioning ourselves is an aspect of "bargaining" which is a normal part of our grieving process.  You might consider that what may help you get to "acceptance" in the long run is to seek validation and understanding as you are doing so now.  But also to find a way to internalize that validation and understanding -- you can be your source of validation.  You will, however, need to practice at that, though.

My mind keeps going back to the scenario that I am to blame, and maybe there was some way I could have kept the relationship together.  I know I wasn't perfect, and would get insecure and whiny when I felt him pull away.  

This is very much "bargaining", thinking that *if* this or that happened then I would not have lost the relationship. I do not think you are to blame.  I think *anyone* would feel insecure in a relationship where your partner pulls away as frequently and as unexpectedly as someone with BPD does.

There were times when I would get angry and overreact, but I would always have that moment of self-awareness and apologize if I said anything hurtful.  I never pulled away or cut him off, never lied or cheated, never called him names, ect.  

I'd bet that your anger and reaction were normal in the context of his behavior.  You showed a respect, self-awareness, and self-restraint, that he could never bring to your relationship.

He told me he loved me after 3 weeks of dating (we knew each other for three years prior, so I didn't question it that much).

Yes, but during the three years you knew each other, were you aware of any build up in his attachment towards you?  For people with BPD, "love" can feel like a switch: only on or off.  And you don't feel the build-up, or for that matter a slow distancing before they end things.

He gave me the keys to his apartment after a month.

He told me we were soulmates, and that he could psychically see our prior past lives when we made love.

It was amazing, best connection ever, best sex ever, best everything ever... .

The idealizing behavior is an aspect of BPD.  For him to feel that you were his "soulmate" and for him to move towards such a commitment such as by giving you his apartment keys so quickly, are signs that he might have "idealized" you to a degree that might be disordered.

He would abruptly want to change plans, and felt I was controlling when I got upset over this.

This by itself might suggest a lack of empathy, that he could not understand that you might be upset whenever he'd change plans abruptly.  And to invalidate your feelings by accusing you of being controlling when you expressed your upset, might suggest a denigrating disposition.  These are behaviors that I would not be surprised to see in a pwBPD.

He was deeply triangulating (read definition) with another, much older female who admitted to me she was in love with him.  He would have to go see her every day, and talk to her every day as well.  She would even plan our dates - she completely planned the birthday trip he took me on, and she tried to plan our Valentine's together.  We would end up arguing when he wanted to spend our day off together going to visit her.  I asked him why he needed to do this if he spent every other day of the week there, and it would turn into a big argument.

Triangulating (read definition) behavior is also common for pwBPD.  I see their behavior as using other relationships as a means to mitigate their disordered fear of abandonment.  Whenever he felt overwhelmed by his imagination that you would "abandon" him (and this probably happened whenever he felt particularly close to you), he would be able calm himself by feeling connected to someone else.  In essence, he would make certain he could abandon you before you could abandon him.

He told me right up until the day before he decided to break up with me that he loved me, that I was God's gift to him, that I was incredible and the most supportive woman he ever dated.

He told you what he told you in order to avoid his imagined abandonment.  Maybe he actually did feel he loved you strongly (he probably did), but because of his disordered feelings, he also felt that you were going to imminently abandon him.  So he abandoned you first, before you could abandon him. 

Then he abruptly broke up with me by email.  When I drove up to his place to confront him he was completely detached and showed no emotion, even though I was crying hysterically.

As if his attachment towards you, his love, was on a switch: either on, or off.

I had my one and only crazy moment where I drove up there.  I called first, but he wouldn't answer the phone.  Then I rang his bell. Finally when someone else came out of the building I walked in and went up to his apartment. (I know this was wrong, but I also had the keys to his apartment for 7 months, and had given them back a week prior. My brain hadn't caught up to the fact of how quickly things had changed yet).  

Your "crazy moment" was in reaction to his *actual* abandonment.  He *actually* abandoned you.  And abandonment (and/or betrayal) is a very painful experience to go through.  It's the kind of experience that *creates* disorders such as BPD.

 He visibly shuddered with revulsion.  He didn't even look like the same person I had been with for 8 months. (A week or so earlier I had been his "precious baby girl" and his "earth angel".  

This is the flip side of "idealization"; it is an expression of "devaluation".

Then one week later he emails me "Hi... . I hope you're doing good!"  Like he had never broken my heart, threw out my stuff, unfriended me on facebook, and threatened to call the police when I tried to have the "closure" conversation.  

Chances are, one week later, he started to "devalue" someone else.  He started to experiences his fear of abandonment with someone else, and he needed to know he *could* run away to someone else in case that someone else should abandon him.  And he tried you.  Just as he probably tried with whomever else he could find.

A couple of months after that, he emails me, "Hello there, I hope you're doing great, and that you have lots of kick ass stuff going on in your life!"  Like nothing ever happened.  Like we had been the most casual of aquaintences that happened to not be in touch for a while.  Like he hadn't promised me a life together.  

His attachment to you was like a light switch: on or off.  Currently it is off but while it is off he can't recall any of the history you had when it was on.  I imagine if you were to entertain his desire to switch it back on, all those past memories and feelings (including the disordered ones) would all come back to him, and you would repeat your history.

There are other things, like him mirroring me professionally and spiritually while we were together, and then acting post breakup like these things have always been a part of him.  Like him accusing me of trying to control him.  Ect, ect, ect.

PwBPD exhibit "identity disturbances."  They assume qualities and traits depending upon whom they attach themselves to.  In their mind, they've "always" been this way because it would be too painful for them to accept that their personality, their identity is malleable in a way that makes them disordered. 

I just need to know one more time, does this sound like BPD?  

Yes, and for the reasons I stated.

I know I've posted here a lot, but I miss him so much, and my mind keeps going back to "maybe it was my fault", "maybe I could have made it work" etc... .

You just need validation and patience.  Just also learn to give yourself that validation and patience as well.

Best wishes, Schwing

[eniale]

You say "My mind keeps going back to the scenario that I am to blame, and maybe there was some way I could have kept the relationship together."

I find it troubling that you blame yourself.  His behavior is bizarre.  I am not an expert, but I believe impulsivity is a key element of BPD, and he sure seems impulsive.  In my experience, they blow like the wind... . say what they mean when they say it, but next day change their minds.  This can be so hurtful!  What helped me a lot was reading "Clinging to the words you loved to hear."  Everyone wants to be loved, and when you feel you are, and then it is suddenly taken away it is heartbreaking.  You have to break the bond.

Once you are away from the behavior long enough, you see it for what it is. If it's BPD, it is all about the person, has nothing to do with you, except for what you can do for them.   You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who exhibits this behavior.  Also, some people have "clusters" i.e., traits of several disorders.

Very sorry you are having all this trouble, but please start with accepting yourself.  Some of us who really love another bend over backwards in a futile attempt to salvage the relationship and in so doing we lose ourselves.  Please work on yourself; you cannot fix him.  Read all you can, get involved in new activities.  It is really hard work to break away.  Best of luck.

[mango_flower]

I have to add, I could have written this very thread myself... . a perfect, beautiful relationship, and then BOOM.  Gone.

In many ways it's good we didn't have to go through some of the bad things others did in their day to day life with their BPD ex... . but in other ways I think it's harder to accept when it suddenly just turned sour overnight, as it's more confusing.  And it's soul destroying to remember how amazing it was... . yes, I guess we have idealized it too... .

Take care of yourself x

[leftbehind]

Thank you everyone for all your support and insight.

Schwing, thank you for breaking it down in ways that make sense.  When you describe the "on/off switch", that is him down to a T.  He's even admitted that falling out of love with me "happened all at once" and then said it happened with his relationship before me the same way. 

The triangulation (read definition) was a huge source of stress in our relationship.  The woman is 30 years older than him, and was my friend and employer for over 20 years.  He got a job there after he and I became friends (We both free lance in a certain profession, he part time and I full time).  Now I've left that place, and he is there all the time, going out to dinner with this woman and working for her, etc. I never really understood this dynamic - now I see it was part of his BPD. 

His behavior is bizarre.  I am not an expert, but I believe impulsivity is a key element of BPD, and he sure seems impulsive.  In my experience, they blow like the wind... . say what they mean when they say it, but next day change their minds.  This can be so hurtful!

Yes, Eniale.  He was the definition of impulsive.  And definitely changes like the wind.

in other ways I think it's harder to accept when it suddenly just turned sour overnight, as it's more confusing.  And it's soul destroying to remember how amazing it was... . yes, I guess we have idealized it too... .

This is why I keep questioning myself, Mango flower.  But I know I need to stop and bring all my energy back to myself. 

Thank you all so, so much.  I actually got invited out tonight.  Even though I don't feel like going, I know I should so I will give it a try.  It's time to stop obsessing over my ex, especially since he's not coming back.  And I couldn't take him back even if he did want to.  He's unstable at the very least, and mentally ill at the very most.

[eniale]

Leftbehind --

I hope you went out, and I hope you had a good time.  Just concentrate on new activities, new people... . I know it is hard not to keep looking for a "replacement", but when you least expect it... .

You say you miss him; I know the feeling well, but the more you realize this was NOT your fault, that he has a disorder, that all of his behaviors are symptoms of this disorder, the less you will blame yourself, and believe me, even if you are not thinking that way now, the less you will miss him.  His behavior sounds like classic BPD.  Those words you loved to hear?  Meaningless, because although he meant them when he said them, he is UNSTABLE and the next day they may have been the farthest thing from his mind.  I found that instead of making me feel worse, this knowledge actually helped greatly, I started thinking of the wonderful things he said as if he had written them on a blackboard, then the next day had taken an eraser and erased them.  They started to mean as much to me as they had to him  -- NOTHING.  This is the beginning of seeing this illness clearly.  It will be far less hurtful to you.  I also found his Valentine's Day card from last year; he had written on it "I Love You!"  Instead of hurting me, it empowered me.  We broke up Feb. 7th as he cheated on me, & when I saw the card from last year thought he probably wrote the exact same thing on a card to her this year, and probably next year to someone else.  It hurts less and less as you read & research & realize you are not alone.  It is not that YOU were not enough, it is that HE is not enough so looks to others to fill him up.  Keep saying to yourself "This was not my fault, no one will ever be enough for him."  And remember:  it was NOT because you were not enough.  This is an ILLNESS.

[leftbehind]

Thank you, Eniale.  I'm taking your words to heart.  I did go out last night, and had a really nice time with a new man.  I don't know where any of it will lead, but it was definitely pleasant, and I was able to focus on what was in front of me instead of thinking about my ex.

One of the hardest things is that I had done so much work (healing, law of attraction, looking at my patterns, dating and relationship classes) around finding true love.  It's my most cherished wish.  So when my ex came along I really thought this was it.  It felt like the true love I had been waiting for.  Now post breakup and realizing his disorder, I don't know what I believe about love anymore.  It actually was the best relationship I've ever had in my life, until he broke it off.  I know that sounds pathetic, but it's true.  I was deeply in love, and he treated me so well.  Then he flipped the switch completely to "Off." 

Maybe those feelings will come back some day with someone else, but right now I feel numb most of the time.  It's only been three months out, so I hope to have another love in my life some day that will not only feel true, but be true. 

Thank you again for reminding me not to blame myself.  It's true that the more I know about BPD, the more clearly I see that I was probably saved from even more pain further down the road.

The blackboard analogy is very helpful.

[HardTruth]

Hi LeftBehind,

I've done a lot of work too, so I know what you're talking about!  Apparently, there is a lot of work to do :P.

One thing someone told me a little while ago I really appreciated, and continue to use the advice that she gave me.  She said that I had a big issue around betrayal, and that while that was a charged issue, I would continue to attract that energy to me.  She suggested as an antidote, that I accept that humans are flawed, so will likely eventually betray.  But that once they make a mistake, there are those that will step up and take responsibility for their mistake, and those they will continue to run from it and make excuses. 

She suggested that I need to be more discriminating.  That rather than handing my heart and trust over to someone, I keep a part of myself back and see if they deserve my trust.  If they earn it.

It takes time to get to know someone.  People go through cycles, especially in relationships.  The Idealization phase... . clinging phase... . withdrawal phase... . whatever.  What's important is being able to find someone that's emotionally consistent and responsible, and shows up for themselves, you, and your relationship.  Then you can grow your love.

So, I believe YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY!  Congratulations for getting to experience a loving and fun rapport with someone beyond what you have experienced in the past.  Rather than look at the end of the relationship as a failure, perhaps consider that you would like those qualities in the next relationship - and now you even know what they feel like! -  but you would like the person to be more emotionally mature and grounded. 

It may take a year, say, to see how they show up over time. 

I would argue that, although there were lots of great things in your relationship, your exbf was not showing up early on.  For example, he was triangulating (read definition) with an older woman.  He was flirting with both men and women around him.  And then denying it!  Egads!  That's really immature.  You deserve someone who is more emotionally consistent and steady than that.

[HardTruth]

She said that that taking responsibility separates the men from the boys, the women from the girls.  So, if I want to be with a "real man", then I need to step up into filling the shoes of a "real woman".  (ha ha, I thought I already had!  I explained that I have a career, an 800 credit score, and a house... . but she didn't seem to think that was good enough :P)

Anyways, she said she thought I had a little bit of a princess thing going on of wanting the guy to come in and sweep me off my feet.  I wasn't doing MY work of being grounded and discriminating.  As a result, I then got all riled up about the eventual betrayal and my victimhood.  "How does this kind of thing keep happening to me?  I can never win... . "  That's just me, of course.

Anyways, eventually over time, I could kind of see what she was talking about.  I don't know if you'll find any of this interesting or not, but I thought I'd share anyway.

 

[leftbehind]

She suggested that I need to be more discriminating.  That rather than handing my heart and trust over to someone, I keep a part of myself back and see if they deserve my trust.  If they earn it.

It takes time to get to know someone.  People go through cycles, especially in relationships.  The Idealization phase... . clinging phase... . withdrawal phase... . whatever.  What's important is being able to find someone that's emotionally consistent and responsible, and shows up for themselves, you, and your relationship.  Then you can grow your love.

Yes!  Thank you HardTruth.  I thought I was doing this, but in reality I wasn't.  It seemed like all bets were off once he told me he loved me.  I also chose to ignore his history and make excuses for him, I chose to believe he was the victim in his last two relationships, ect.

I believed the pretty words.  His actions were pretty great too, all at once I had an instant boyfriend and a man who adored me.  I think it was designed to make me fall for him.

So, I believe YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY!  Congratulations for getting to experience a loving and fun rapport with someone beyond what you have experienced in the past.  Rather than look at the end of the relationship as a failure, perhaps consider that you would like those qualities in the next relationship - and now you even know what they feel like! smiley -  but you would like the person to be more emotionally mature and grounded.

It may take a year, say, to see how they show up over time.   

Thank you for reframing this as a success for me.  It's hard to look at it this way now, as I feel he took so much.  Led me down as rose-strewn path, as they say.  But I know that someday I'll look back and see that this experience has led me to a better place.  That is if I allow it to, and not get stuck here.

I was happy to go out with the other man mainly just as a step in moving forward.

[Murbay]

Leftbehind 

I understand your thoughts and feelings about the whole situation, the continual questioning yourself and taking on the responsibility and blame. Again, it's easy to say that you shouldn't but it's quite difficult when you get those nagging feelings in the back of your head.

I had those same thoughts and feelings too, which I shared with my T and it's only natural. I would question whether my ex was BPD because just when everything seemed obvious, something would happen to question it. What my T told me was regardless of everything, the important thing was that I wasn't BPD, I wasn't to blame for how the relationship went. Although there were moments where I said something out of frustration and felt guilty afterwards, the fact that I recognised those things in myself I could allow myself to be responsible for my actions but to also know that I wasn't to blame for what was happening. This tied in with your comment about if only you had done things differently or taking the blame for the way the relationship went. The honest answer is that it wouldn't have made any difference to the relationship but would have been more harmful to you in the long term.

pwBPD are very different, there may be parts of their life that they have more control over than others but the core elements are always there. What you have described fits most of the criteria and I would say that your T is quite right with his assessment. However, as some people have mentioned already, putting a label on someone might give you a little bit of closure but it doesn't take away those feelings you have right now. The only thing you can focus on is yourself, knowing that your feelings are real and that as difficult as things are right now, you have learned a valuable lesson that is going to aid you in your future life. You will find someone who can give you everything you wish for without the painful parts because now you have an idea of what to avoid.

Everything will turn out the way you want it to because you are a deserving person and now is the time to start living for you 

[Nearlybroken]

 Left behind,

From my experience with my ex who was diagnosed with BPD it does sound very much like it.I have experienced everything that you have written and know how awful it is to live with.Well, to "exist"  with as it's not much of a life when you are on the receiving end of it all.

[eniale]

I think another thing to keep in mind with any new relationship is the issue of control.  My ex wanted to control everything, and looking back, I think I let him.  Big mistake.  No one gets to set an agenda for you.  A good relationship should be one of mutuality and cooperation.  Something to keep in mind.  And it is natural to feel numb for a while.  If you are a normal person & have loved someone and they pull the rug right out from under you, you WILL feel numb.  It will take a while for feeling to come back, but it will.

[leftbehind]

thank you, Eniale, NearlyBroken, and Murbay