Black/white thinking? BPD immaurity? Spoiled jerk? All of the above?

[tundraphile]

Wife is uBPD.  Spoiled (I've spoiled her giving in to her demands).

Latest case was a pool.  Got to have a pool.  Want a pool.  Now.  You need to buy me a pool (implied message, then I will be happy).  That was spring 2012.  Simply was not going to happen given the backlog of the pool companies.

I realize there are layers of dysfunction, and my giving in to her bad behavior and emotional blackmail is not helping.  But early this year, pool talk started again. 

I relented and said fine, we will do it.  Even though it means things I have earned will be put on hold for oh, several years.  She has made it clear I will bear the financial burden, but if it will get her to shut up about it... .

Anyway, after a few more rounds with the pool company (I plan projects all the time for work, she is a teacher and competely clueless of the effort involved in a project like this).  Signed a contract in April with target completion date of early July.  Weather and other delays now mean they will start in July and finish near the end of the month or start of August.

Wife is furious.  Wants to cancel the whole thing since she won't have it this summer.  My guess is the $8000+ deposit would be forfeit, I'd still cancle if she wanted because I never wanted the stupid thing to begin with.

I told her in no uncertain terms that a) if she cancels it now, NEVER (never actually means never for me) will I entertain the the subject of a pool again.  And b) I will do what I want with MY money what I want just as she does with her money (and at the moment anything I have left).

In everyone's experience, why do they act this way (see title of thread)?

She is <this close> to getting exactly what she wants, and yet she has found a way to sabotage her and her family's happiness over literally not getting it a few weeks later than she wanted.  I'm trying to decide if BPD are just destructive black holes that everyone should avoid at all costs.

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[allibaba]

Sorry to say it tundraphile but this is not about the pool.  This little thing is about controlling you.  She feels bad... . she needs to make you feel bad because she thinks that it will make her feel better.  

Time for boundaries!  Yes your wife is spoiled but she is spoiled because you have allowed her to become spoiled... .

If it were me.  I would just go forward with the pool.  You have invested the time and the energy to get this project done.  I personally would not want to lose the deposit.  That's just me.  I wouldn't get into an argument with her, I would just calmly explain that you are not cancelling the pool.  Its a commitment that has been made and its going forward.   You may want to try some validation here "honey, I understand that its upsetting that the pool won't be in for the beginning of the summer but I have already put down the deposit and committed to the contract so the pool will go in!"    You may want to include her in picking a design or something once she calms down.  Make her feel a part of this process even if you did all the up front work.

I have two examples that are similar... . 1 we are putting in a very expensive fence.  This is something that I have decided that I want and need for the safety of our dogs and my son.  Husband up and decides one day that its too expensive, I have waited too long to pick a contractor to install it and we won't do it (control).  

Well I am in the fortunate position of being able to pay for the fence myself without hubby contribution.  So I say calmly and quietly say that I understand how he doesn't want to spend so much money on the fence (validation) but that this is something that we need for the safety of our family and that it is happening.  Husband gets mad storms off.  Several days later I show his the fence designs and ask him for input on which one to get (making him feel a part of).  He gives the input happily and willingly and NOTHING about cancelling comes up again!

Second story:  Housekeeper.  I work and take care of our son and do all the cooking.  I decide that I want a housekeeper.   Husband is in a particularly good mood and I explain that I want a housekeeper so that I have more time for him on weekends (its true).  He agrees.  She starts coming and is great.  A few weeks later husband is home sick from work.  I remind him that the housekeeper will be there.  He goes mental and says "cancel her.  You should be doing your own cleaning anyway."  I say "its understandable that you wouldn't want someone near you when you are sick.  I'll ask her not to clean the downstairs today and you can stay down there today."  I never mention cancelling her again and neither does he.

yet she has found a way to sabotage her and her family's happiness over literally not getting it a few weeks later than she wanted.  I'm trying to decide if BPD are just destructive black holes that everyone should avoid at all costs.

I'm curious though.  How is she sabotaging her family's happiness by cancelling the pool.  I can understand that the family's happiness is difficult to maintain when she is going up and down like a roller-coaster emotionally.  Hopefully the family's happiness isn't contingent on having a pool?  I would say that its very disappointing if you have kids and they have gotten excited about this and now she's backing out (another reason to stand strong).

I would say that BPD's can be a destructive black hole... . but the black hole will only swallow as much as you throw in there  

[tundraphile]

I'm curious though.  How is she sabotaging her family's happiness by cancelling the pool.  I can understand that the family's happiness is difficult to maintain when she is going up and down like a roller-coaster emotionally.  Hopefully the family's happiness isn't contingent on having a pool?  I would say that its very disappointing if you have kids and they have gotten excited about this and now she's backing out (another reason to stand strong).

I would say that BPD's can be a destructive black hole... . but the black hole will only swallow as much as you throw in there  

I agree she is spoiled because I allow her to be.  She was definitely that way before I met her.

The comment above was not intended to imply our happiness is contingent on her getting her pool.  She (and the pool company) know I never wanted the stupid thing.  Maintenance hassle, expensive running costs, and of course expensive to buy initially.

The comment was more about her constantly wanting to "raise the bar of what it takes to make her happy".  After the tantrum she threw last year, she probably expected me to say a flat no this year.  But I agreed to it, perhaps that threw her off and suddenly she is getting exactly what she wants.  As you say to maintain that control she needs some new bauble or project that if not impossible, is at least extremely difficult.  So if the pool doesn't do exactly as she imagined, throw that away and have some new ego-gratifying thing she demands.  As we all know, these people will likely never be happy, and they make sure those around them are miserable too.

I met with the pool company today and laid out her concerns, as expected the deposit would not be returned.  Talked to her afterward, as she ranted and raved that they can't control how much it has rained or that they wouldn't jump us up in line for the build.  As with many BPD, she has strong narcissistic entitement traits as well.  "I could cost them a lot of business!"  yeah, good luck with that... .

In other words, exactly how I expected her to react.  She will be in the neighborhood of the pool store tomorrow, I basically told her to go talk to them herself and either cancel it or not, I really don't care.  And in truth I don't care.  Either we build the pool and then we have it, or we don't and I'm out a few thousand dollars but have the other tens of thousands still available.

Her behavior the past 18 months has intensified, and has prompted me to learn as much as possible about our particular dynamic.  

[arabella]

Out of curiosity, why are you considering going ahead with the pool at this point? I understand about the deposit not being refundable but, in the long run, you'd save an absolute fortune to just not have the pool at all. If you don't want it and don't want the constant hassle (and cost) of maintaining it, why bother?

Back on track... . I agree that it's not about the pool. In addition to your own thoughts on the matter, and allibaba's excellent point re control, I'd suggest that some of it is attributable to her not knowing how to make herself happy. She thinks a pool will make her happy. You agree to the pool. She doesn't feel happy - cancel the pool! Cancelling the pool will make her feel empowered, THEN she'll be happy! Tip: she won't be happy. So then... . on to the next thing! She can't predict her own moods or whims so you just get to see the resultant roller-coaster. Fun times. Just get off the ride. If you don't want the pool, cancel it. Don't go through with it just because now she wants you to cancel it - that's like cutting off your nose to spite your face. On the other hand, if you want the pool, by all means, go ahead and get the pool installed.

[downandin]

Exact (and I mean EXACT) same thing happened here.  Only our pool was not completed until September of last year.  I say go ahead and do it, because you know if you don't, she's going to start right up about it again next year.  That's what I did anyways, but my life is a mess, so you probably shouldn't listen to me.

[tundraphile]

Well, the pool is supposed to start tomorrow (7/3)

Was supposed to start Monday

Then supposed to start today.  I'm noticing a trend.

I put the odds at less than 50/50 it actually starts tomorrow but who knows.

Anyway, she remains furious with the pool company.  She wants to "just blow up" at them, as if that will be productive.  <sarcasm> Yes, it is a great plan to cuss out the waiter before you even order your meal... . </sarcasm>  Instead, she turns that rage toward her favorite punching bag, yours truly.  Now the entire revamp of the outside of our house is TERRIBLE.  The lighting looks HORRIBLE.  The only thing that looks half decent according to her is the few things we contracted to have done already.  Basically everything is now black because she is not getting what she wants RIGHT NOW!

Her ignorance involving anything but her career really is incredible.  While I don't assume everyone is an expert in building trades, it is like she willfully does not want to actually learn so she can just go off on one of her tirades because she doesn't understand something (which is almost everything).

Sorry for venting. 

[arabella]

Vent away! That's why we're here (at least partially)!

Do you think she really doesn't understand? Or do you think she's frustrated and doesn't know how to express herself and this is just what she's come up with? Raging about the building stuff is sort of 'safe' - it's impersonal, especially if she's telling YOU rather than the contractors themselves. Sounds too like she's trying to get you to soothe her. Lucky you.

[Chosen]

Hmmm... . All of the above.

I don't have "pool" problems but I have problems of a similar nature.  H would say he wants x and imply that if I do x he will be happy.

If I refuse to do x then he will keep on bringing it up, in every argument, every time he tries to prove I'm selfish.  Then sometimes I convince myself that doing x is ok, if that makes him happy/ shuts him up/ at least doesn't give him reason to put the blame on me.

I had forgotten that he's illogical.  "No reason" is not a reason not to blame me for things.  So he will still blame me and not be happy with whatever I have given him.  He has actually used reasons like "You did it but in your heart you didn't want to", and "you had a poor attitude when doing it". 

So I suppose we can never win.

Sorry I'm not much help here, I just want to say I feel for you.

[tundraphile]

Vent away! That's why we're here (at least partially)!

Do you think she really doesn't understand? Or do you think she's frustrated and doesn't know how to express herself and this is just what she's come up with? Raging about the building stuff is sort of 'safe' - it's impersonal, especially if she's telling YOU rather than the contractors themselves. Sounds too like she's trying to get you to soothe her. Lucky you.

I should have clarified.  I despise yard work, hate very minute of it.  Which is ironc because for two months every evening unless it is raining that is what I have been doing.  Tons of landscape work that ha really transformed the yard.  However according to her the parts that look good were a small wall and some gravel we had done.  I've done everything else, so it really was one of her typical petty digs at me.  

Pool guy came tonight and they start tomorrow.  Sure enough she unloaded on him, an he wa just the backhoe operator.  She behaved like a spoiled child, which in truth she is.

[arabella]

Oh. UGH! I'm sorry, tundraphile, that's just awful. Err... . At least it's not just you? I feel sorry for the backhoe operator too!

Okay, how about this: are YOU happy with the work you've done? Because, let's be honest here, she's never going to be happy, so you really just need to please yourself!

[tundraphile]

Pool construction has now started.  uBPDw appears to be showing signs of a constant agitation, as if she could explode at any time.

That time was Sunday.  Now that the pool is going to be done soon, what is any good materialist going do?  Accessorize of course!  I had budgeted a set amount for all the chairs and stuff needed to go with it.

We went to the local outdoor store (several actually), and found a couple Chaise Lounges she liked.  Everything she said Sunday was about going home with these things.  She went to the mall, I went to buy them.  Tight fit in the car, my driver's seat was moved up quite a bit.  Not ideal but workable.

She sees the loading job and goes ballistic about how stupid I was, that we aren't driving home, that she is taking them back, blah, blah.  Typical ranting.

But when I said, "you wanted these things, I bought them for you."

"I should have had MY POOL LAST YEAR!"

That just set me off.  I can be patient and take a lot, but when I have had enough, that's it.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I was the only reason she would ever be getting something like that.  That my only goal was to get it's construction and all this other stuff bought and over with, and that when I think she can't get any more selfish and immature, she can still surprise me.  I told her I was done buying stuff for the pool.  :)one.  Finished.  Start spending your income on "your" pool (that she has saved and spent exactly $0.00 to purchase).

(Still in parking lot) I told her to get out of the car and not get back in until she could behave.  I told her I wasn't listening to her complain all the way home.  

She insisted in driving, I let her drive back to the store.  "I'm taking these back!"   She shouted.

Inside, I was/am furious at her.  Hurt at her lack of respect.  Hurt that this purchase means what I want/need will be put off for a couple of years and yet no acknowledgement at all of my contribution (which is, 100% of the financial, 95% of everything else).  It is like when you are a kid, you work hard for hours on a picture for your mom, she takes one look and lights it on fire in front of you.

Anyway I am in the passenger seat, she is driving and raving like a lunatic.  By then my ultra-calm exterior had returned.  I handed her the receipt and told her if she wanted to take them back it was her job to do it, I wasn't lifting a finger to help her.

We drive to the store, she has a new plan, drop these off at my parents' house and they can bring them in their truck later.  Now I'm driving again, there is icy silence.  Ready to turn off at their exit.  She changes her mind, "let's just go home... . "

So now the chairs are in our garage and a huge pile of dirt in the back yard.  We got home safe and sound.  She is acting like nothing happenned yesterday, blabbering on about whether "we" (me) buy a round table or rectangle, four chairs or six.  I guess in addition to being an idiot, poor chair packer, and generally bad guy, let's throw idle-threat maker into the mix.  I told her I wasn't buying anything else and I meant it.  Fight #2 will be happenning shortly.

They have to be accountable for their words or actions.  As do we.

[Verbena]

I have to commend you for standing your ground concerning the pool furniture.  Since she is acting like the fit she threw never happened, I wonder if she remembers you saying you weren't buying anything else?  If she's anything like my BPD daughter, she will be shocked if you follow through with what you said.

If this wasn't so sad and similar to what many of us here experience with our loved ones who have BPD, her behavior would almost be comical.  You're in a no-win situation.  I hope you get some enjoyment from the pool yourself.  You never know, you may end up really liking it.  If nothing else, maybe you can use it as an escape from her rages.  It's harder to hear  someone ranting and raving when you're doing laps. 

[Scout99]

I must say that my heart goes out to you for all the things you have to go through and put up with with your BPD wife... . And also commend you for standing your ground without falling into the pit of accusing her for being who she is, (which she can't help being), but instead setting up boundaries and keep your comments to the behavior, (which she can help... . At least to some extent).

I also must reflect on the blessing and gift you have in your sense of humor! I mean being able to use that to be able to survive situations like this may be a way to somewhat flee... . But it is a good one! And you write in a way that also takes some pressure off for the people reading it, who just like you go through similar stuff in our daily lives with our spouses and SO's... . So I will thank you for putting a big smile on my face today and giving me some laughter s, even though I know this is also a very tragic situation to say the least... .

I hope too that after all of this you and your children at least will find some solace, fun and peace from the pool in the end... . And do too feel a bit sorry for the backhoe guy... . He didn't know what he stepped into... .

Anyhoe... .  I think you have taken some important steps in the boundary department during this process and have also learned a lot judging from how you reflect on things here. And that is a good thing!

I mean yes, sometimes we fall into going along with crazy stuff just hoping they will get pleased and that in return we will get som peace... . But lesson learned here is that sometimes going along wont make any difference... . So bottom line is we need to listen to our own hearts and our own wills and choose to go along only when it feels ok with us... . Since they like you put it yourself, won't ever be happy or content anyway... .

Keep posting and keep venting! You are worth it!

[united for now]

I feel for you - I really do.

I also know that nothing is going to change without changes.

And those changes have to come from you... .

We often find that there is a big difference between what we want in our relationship and what we get from our partners. This is called the reality gap. Not accepting our partners as they are drives us batty. Wanting them to behave normally drives us batty. Yet their behavior is pretty consistently dsyfunctional - so who is the crazy one here? Them for being consistently dysfunctional or us for expecting them to be normal?



So what skills/tools are you working on to create more peace for yourself?

You agree that she is spoiled rotten, so what are you planing on doing to reduce that?

You have consistently rewarded her bad behavior, so what reasons does she have to change?