Starting to suffer burnout, after nearly a year of litigation

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After nearly a year since separation from dBPDw we've gone through:

3 lawyers on her side

2 on my side (one she didn't like she managed to get off my case by asking for a jury trial when she knew my lawyer didn't do jury trials)

1 lawyer on my 6 year old daughter's side

2 judges

9 therapists: 1 for me, 2 for her, 2 for daughter (BPDw managed to get the first one fired), 3 former marriage counselor/BPD therapists (one who diagnosed her with BPD, but that BPDw denies), and one court ordered psych evaluator.

2 Child Protective Services investigators

2 Police detectives

New: 1 parenting facilitator, 1 mediator tbd

At every juncture when someone new is brought into the case, BPDw manages to charm them for a little while and they all take her at face value until the crazy starts. Then they wish they had not implemented certain orders or privileges for her etc.

Now we have just gone through mediation. New person. That person got turned into a parent facilitator by her choice during mediation, she figured that would help get clarity. After first meeting with her today as the parenting facilitator she says mediation should continue, but since she is now the parenting facilitator she has to find another mediator. So 2 new people to take BPDw's reality distortions and martyrdom at face value, cause damage, and then disappear from our lives.

This despite a summary psych eval that overwhelmingly shows BPDw with major personality problems. The full report is not in our hands yet but just the summary is scary enough. There is also a mountain of journalled docs from both sides showing my grip on reality and her break with it.

So, I'm feeling very burned out and discouraged. Fighting for my daughter's well being and safety and my own is a marathon where I feel (perhaps wrongly) that every few miles I'm transported to the starting line again.

Also, though I know life is unfair and I should deal with it, it is sometimes in my mind that were the genders reversed I'd have sole custody and the other parent would be in jail or with only supervised visits instead of the nearly 50/50 split we have now that was like climbing a mountain to get.

Not to mention I have a distinct feeling I'll be living under a bridge soon if I can't stop the financial haemorrhaging.

Oh yeah, this is all while we are in the temporary orders phase, ya know, the phase where each side gets their marching orders and the courts see how well they can manage for a few months to a year before they make a final decision.

Just a bit of a vent and something some of you can relate to, you aren't alone in the struggle, and also a reach out to people who've gone through this and worse for tips on keeping this constant starting over feeling from being so discouraging.

[egribkb]

After nearly a year since separation from dBPDw we've gone through:

3 lawyers on her side

2 on my side (one she didn't like she managed to get off my case by asking for a jury trial when she knew my lawyer didn't do jury trials)

1 lawyer on my 6 year old daughter's side

2 judges

9 therapists: 1 for me, 2 for her, 2 for daughter (BPDw managed to get the first one fired), 3 former marriage counselor/BPD therapists (one who diagnosed her with BPD, but that BPDw denies), and one court ordered psych evaluator.

2 Child Protective Services investigators

2 Police detectives

New: 1 parenting facilitator, 1 mediator tbd

At every juncture when someone new is brought into the case, BPDw manages to charm them for a little while and they all take her at face value until the crazy starts. Then they wish they had not implemented certain orders or privileges for her etc.

Now we have just gone through mediation. New person. That person got turned into a parent facilitator by her choice during mediation, she figured that would help get clarity. After first meeting with her today as the parenting facilitator she says mediation should continue, but since she is now the parenting facilitator she has to find another mediator. So 2 new people to take BPDw's reality distortions and martyrdom at face value, cause damage, and then disappear from our lives.

This despite a summary psych eval that overwhelmingly shows BPDw with major personality problems. The full report is not in our hands yet but just the summary is scary enough. There is also a mountain of journalled docs from both sides showing my grip on reality and her break with it.

So, I'm feeling very burned out and discouraged. Fighting for my daughter's well being and safety and my own is a marathon where I feel (perhaps wrongly) that every few miles I'm transported to the starting line again.

Also, though I know life is unfair and I should deal with it, it is sometimes in my mind that were the genders reversed I'd have sole custody and the other parent would be in jail or with only supervised visits instead of the nearly 50/50 split we have now that was like climbing a mountain to get.

Not to mention I have a distinct feeling I'll be living under a bridge soon if I can't stop the financial haemorrhaging.

Oh yeah, this is all while we are in the temporary orders phase, ya know, the phase where each side gets their marching orders and the courts see how well they can manage for a few months to a year before they make a final decision.

Just a bit of a vent and something some of you can relate to, you aren't alone in the struggle, and also a reach out to people who've gone through this and worse for tips on keeping this constant starting over feeling from being so discouraging.

[Matt]

Has your current lawyer given you a road map to successful completion?

No lawyer will give you any guarantees, and I'm sure she'll say that she can't predict what the other side will do.

Still, it may be helpful to get that plan out on the table - what are the steps from here to completion?

A big part of that may be to get a trial date set.  Where I live, once the trial date is set, it can still be changed, but if you instruct your lawyer not to agree to any delay without your permission, only the judge can delay that date.  With an end date to the process established, the other side may see the need to get reasonable.z

Make it clear to your attorney, to make it clear to the other party's attorney, that you are prepared, if needed, to go to trial and win.  And if that is needed, you won't be going for 50/50, you'll be going for primary legal and residential custody, with minimal time for the other parent, because you believe that is in the child's interest.  They need to understand that you have a plan to win and if they continue to fight they will lose.

[egribkb]

Thanks for the comments!

Yeah, we have a roadmap. A final trial date is set. It's to be a jury trial. Both sides are scrambling a bit to see if mediation will pay off and we can avoid a jury trial but I and my lawyer are definitely prepared to fight as needed. We've had 5 or 6 hearings already just for the temp orders. It's a long process, expensive, and both mentally and physically exhausting. I'm pretty sure I'm in better shape than I *feel*. But being periodically reminded that new people to the case don't "get" BPD at all in the slightest until they are hit over the head repeatedly is more and more like a punch to the gut. Plus, having a small army working on this just adds to the out of control feelings and frustration. So tired!

[Matt]

When is the trial?

Mediation is very unlikely to work, but you might learn a lot about what the other side is planning, by listening to the other party's complaints and accusations during mediation.  Then you can prepare to counter each of them at trial.

I'm sorry but I don't remember - were there psych evals and a diagnosis?

[egribkb]

When is the trial?

Mediation is very unlikely to work, but you might learn a lot about what the other side is planning, by listening to the other party's complaints and accusations during mediation.  Then you can prepare to counter each of them at trial.

I'm sorry but I don't remember - were there psych evals and a diagnosis?

Trial is mid August. We've had mediation once already. The mediator ended it early and said she wanted to be the parenting facilitator, with the goal to get me and dBPDw in the same room without lawyers and determine if we should *continue* mediation. We did that today, 1st of 3 meetings. After this one the parenting facilitator said she's going to recommend continued mediation (with someone new since as a parenting facilitator now she can't be in the mediator role) while we also continue parenting facilitation.

We have a summary psych eval, very negative to BPDw, who was diagnosed about a year ago with BPD. The psych evaluation however does not contain a diagnosis, that's not its job. Its job is to spell out the behaviour and pathology, not necessarily give a name to it (my understanding anyway, still waiting on full report). However, in the summary report it is *very* telling that among other things, BPDw's summary came back saying she is very unlikely to respond to treatment, drugs don't help, etc. Basically going down the list of BPD pathology.

I (and my lawyer) definitely learned a lot during mediation as I'm sure they did. For me this just seems like the same old song and dance though. More professionals brought in, they try their standard thing that works with 2 generally healthy people until it doesn't work. They realize something is seriously wrong with BPDw, but by then they may have made a recommendation or two, give her slightly more time, relax some hard fought for boundaries, etc. We fight to get them back partially successfully. The cycle continues.

After any final trial, we are enjoined from making any changes for a year. However judging by how this has gone so far (and Eddy's Splitting book) then that also will be fought every step of the way. So yeah... . burnout... . I feel it.

[GaGrl]

Would it be helpful to run down the list of how many lawyers, etc. have already been involved with this new parenting coordinator.  If the PC really is going to be involved for the long haul, seems like that info would be telling as to how difficult the interactions with STBX could be.

All that being said, if it gets past mediation to trial prep, Matt has some very helpful advice for the point you get into a deposition with STBX.

Matt?

[marbleloser]

"The mediator ended it early and said she wanted to be the parenting facilitator, with the goal to get me and dBPDw in the same room without lawyers and determine if we should *continue* mediation. We did that today, 1st of 3 meetings."

You need to nip this in the bud NOW!The goal is to get you to give in,without legal counsel to represent you. Don't fall for this tactic.Anything you sign in that room becomes what you will live by.

Do not sign ANYTHING this "facilitator" comes up with,even if it's scribbled on a napkin,without your atty seeing it first.

[marbleloser]

Look,they're all making money off of you.It's a dog and pony show with you paying admission.They want you burned out.They want you tired.They want you to give up!

Tell them you're done negotiating and you're ready for nothing else but a full jury trial.

You've got her diagnosis as BPD.A definate plus in your corner.Right now they're just stalling and trying to get you to capitulate before trial.

[Matt]

We have a summary psych eval, very negative to BPDw, who was diagnosed about a year ago with BPD. [/quote]
Do you have a copy of the diagnosis, or some other document proving that she was diagnosed with BPD?

One possible strategy is to research the long-term impact of a parent's BPD on the child.  Start with "Understanding The Borderline Mother", and note its sources;  there are tons of scholarly research showing that a parent's personality disorder puts the child at much, much higher long-term risk for substance abuse, depression, etc. - lots of problems.

The reason this is important is that there is some screwy logic which is often used in these cases:  "The child seems to be doing fine, so whatever problems Mom has don't seem to be hurting the child."  But research shows that many problems caused by a parent's disorder(s) show up over many years.

You may need to find an expert witness to get this stuff into the record.  Otherwise, the court will pretend this critical information doesn't exist.

[Matt]

All that being said, if it gets past mediation to trial prep, Matt has some very helpful advice for the point you get into a deposition with STBX.

Good point, but where I live, depositions aren't standard.  In my case, I had to file a motion asking to depose my wife;  her attorney then responded in kind, and we were both deposed (questioned by the other attorney under oath).

It's a good tactic when the other party is making accusations or claims that aren't true, because it gets those statements on the record, under oath.  Then there is some time before the trial, during which you can find information proving those statements aren't true.  You can submit that information to the court, to be evidence in the trial, and the opposing attorney will see what you're doing, and advise her client to settle rather than be shown at the trial to have made false statements under oath during depositions.

[egribkb]

Thanks for the great discussion all. Lots to think about!