No more Love

[crystalclear]

I am tired of living in my illusional world where 'Love' and 'Goodness' are the core of the reality. While the REAL reality is nobody knows 'Love'. All are heartless souls. The world i live in today is crude, is shrewd and selfish.

All people want - power, money and sex. There is no love, loyalty, respect or care anymore, just exist in books and movies. Life is just a mere game - you are either used or you use someone else to get what you want or discard them.

Everyone talks BIG and does nothing. No Love, No Karma - it's just survival of fittest.

[Validation78]

 

Hi Crystal!

It makes me sad to think that a relationship with a pwBPD could make someone feel as you do now. Although there are many negative aspects of life and people, I firmly believe that there are many more positives. All people are not selfish,money and power hungry and heartless. I'm sure it feels that way now because you are in pain and have been deeply hurt. We all get that here.

If you're feeling this way, it's understandable. However, I'm sure that deep down, you know better. The mere existence of this site is proof to name one thing. We are a family of people, who take the time to support one another not for monetary reward but because we are compassionate towards others. Maybe you should get involved in a nonprofit organization and see how many people there are out there who do things for the love of others! It's all around us, and despite the bad things that have happened to us, at the hands of sick people, there are many others who would put their hands out to help us back up!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[jollygreen]

Crystalclear, if it helps I have those thoughts too. People suck and are just full of it. They just want for themselves and if not see you later. It has even given me negative confidence in the good of the opposite gender thanks to my my ex pwBPD. I think it's getting better though. I surround myself with good family and friends.

[danley]

Crystal,

I think a lot of us here have these thoughts and feelings you have presently.  It's the hurt and pain that speak. It's understandable. As time goes by the feelings and thoughts will disappear. I can't say when but for me, it was when I decided I didn't want to be in the dark cloud of pessimism. Although I felt the same as you, I didn't like who I was when feeling those things. It made me feel powerless and ugly. Sure it seems like people suck. But truly there are people out there who are pretty decent. Whether it be family, friends, or just strangers.

I also believe that when I wasn't keeping my mind busy and keeping active that dark cloud would pop up. There are still moments where I have that I think about the events that happened between my ex and I. But I try to shut it out and remember how I don't want to succumb to that dark place. Keep busy and think positive.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Crystalclear,

     As I understand it, black and white thinking (splitting) is a symptom of BPD generally, so the fact that you might be thought of as exhibiting it in your post to some degree could be interpreted as a "flea" in the jargon here.  If you add exhaustion (also seemingly pretty common in "nons" since they're fighting a seemingly inexhaustible foe), add the fact that you have a point (let's face it, the world ain't full of unicorns farting out rainbows) and I guess it makes sense that a person might end up with a fairly hopeless indictment of the whole world.

     I suggest you start by trying to rest a bit, gather your wits about you and take a little personal inventory of what actually is good and bad in your life.  Then, I suggest you take the completely immature approach I do when I come to these conclusions -- drop your trousers (at least psychologically!) and moon the entire planet.  The world does kind of stink a bit, so I just prefer to tell it to kiss my you-know-what from time to time, as I'm going to go on living in my world where Goodness and Love actually do prevail.  Maybe we're both a little psychotic, but that's where I like to live too, and anyone who thinks money, power and sex are what matters can kind of suck it.  Just sayin'

     

[crystalclear]

Thank you all for posting your thoughts - i greatly appreciate your views and suggestions!

[thisyoungdad]

I totally understand how you feel! I am hurting so bad that I am in this place of forget all relationships, and hell if I ever get married again. IN fact if I want more kids I am adopting, alone, because I am not risking another crazy baby mom. That is how I feel today because we are in the midst of a "collaborative" divorce which as I am learning can still get ugly. I hope I don't always feel this way but it is hard not to have a negative outlook on life and relationships when struggling to detach from a really unhealthy one. I have been through a lot of heartache in my life but this easily takes the prize for the worst.

[crystalclear]

thisyoungdad,

I am sorry you are going through pain and although i was never married - i understand how it feels to be detaching from someone you loved. 

I do not want to live alone but its better to be alone than be with people who manifest negativity. Unfortunately these were the people we love the most. And to me what is sickenning is how he treated me like an object - from which he detached so easily. I do not know if he already planned an exit strategy with me, as i noticed he 'fell out of love' with me when he realised it would take him double the efforts to rethink about marrying me. As he told his parents we broke up - and i am sure he misrepresented me to his parents.

It is so much harder to see any positivity around this and after this. All i can say neither is life any beautiful and nor is this world. Everyone asks me to 'COMPRAMISE' and get married to some guy... . hate the society and their primative thinking. I can't believe when people (incl. family and friends) say "OMG you are 27 yrs old girl and not married yet! Get married quickly, else you will be alone all your life"... .

[thisyoungdad]

Crystalclear- I hate that primitive B.S too. I was out with a buddy tonight and one of his friends I was meeting for the first time, just for drinks and wings. The guy says to me "don't give up bro" and "in sickness and health has to mean something" and I was very polite, and even said to him that he was right it does and that I had tried all I could try. He meant well of course but my buddy was quick to say that sometimes there are situations that are so unhealthy that those vows have to be abandoned. Anyway it was interesting to hear him say that because it kinda made me think of what you said about being 27 and married. They all mean well I am sure, but the thinking is not beneficial. 50 years ago I would have stayed with her and frankly she wouldn't have left probably. Things would have been different because we had to play a part. Thank god we don't anymore... .

[crystalclear]

Dear Crystalclear,

    As I understand it, black and white thinking (splitting) is a symptom of BPD generally, so the fact that you might be thought of as exhibiting it in your post to some degree could be interpreted as a "flea" in the jargon here.  If you add exhaustion (also seemingly pretty common in "nons" since they're fighting a seemingly inexhaustible foe), add the fact that you have a point (let's face it, the world ain't full of unicorns farting out rainbows) and I guess it makes sense that a person might end up with a fairly hopeless indictment of the whole world.

   

Sometimes i think my head would explode with the knowledge i seem to be gathering about this disorder. I found it interesting what you highlighted about the 'flea' that i caught from the this person. As at times i feel like i have NPD or BPD or some PD. Considering the negativity i have been living in (at home) and the 'friends' (mostly guys) make me feel like i am the 'weak one' cuz i just don't seem to MOVE ON = getting hitched or get a NEW guy? If the crux of your world is making you feel like a loser, where do you go. How long do you fight the feeling?

If being a BPD or NPD feels like this throughout one's life, i wonder how do they constantly IGNORE it. It is exhausting my friend. I was doing better beginning of this month, but the depression and anger has intensified when i learnt that my exbf (NPD/BPD) got married this month, and got a new job and a new LIFE. And last week i almost lost my job due to the depression i have been in for 4 months - always isolated. I want to leave my home, this negativity - but i can't afford for months to come.

It is very difficult to prioritize when mess keeps piling, and there is NO support from anyone. More so when one is broke, financially repressed. It's like anything i have to do COSTS an amount i can't pay for... . so i am STUCK. Be it therapy, persuing a hobby, or even eating what you enjoy.

[IamDevastated]

I totally understand how you feel, crystalclear. I have been through all the same thoughts and emotions. It is mindblowing to realize how you were just used and then discarded like a piece of toilet paper... . to realize all the lies and deceit told by someone deliberately with the intent to trick you into feeding them your life force and beautiful love. It is truly an ugly experience and can make you lose all faith in humanity and the world.

This is what is so dangerous about these relationships. Not only do they steal your time, good years you could have spent hooking up with someone healthy and giving, and not only do they abuse you mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically and twist your mind until you literally are going crazy. But the way the destroy your outlook on life and your entire way of thinking and trust in others is the worst.

I am also very sorry to hear you are having financial problems. This can make life miserable for anyone. You seem to be in a very very bad spot. I pray for you and send you my best thoughts

Also I don´t know if this will help you crystalclear or not but what is helping me personally to move on from my exBPD is this: I have realized that nothing happens by chance... . and that there was a reason that the universe decided to let my paths cross with my exBPD... . I had to learn something about myself: My weak boundaries, me being the perfect victim because of my wounded soul, being to naive and trusting etc.

I am immensely devastated by the loss of my exBPD and realizing how she was just using me all along and has zero feelings for me and never did. On the other hand I am happy about all the knowledge I have about BPD now. And all the knowledge I have about these kinds of dangerous people. Yes, the world can suck. And there ARE mean and vicious people out there. People without any conscience at all... . people who enjoy hurting others... . but you can rest assured now, crystalclear, that you are an EXPERT in these kinds of people. You are a professor in their kind of behaviour. This means that never again can one of these evil people trick their way into your life and wreak destruction.

Next time you can spot all the red flags... . you can laugh on the inside and simply get up and leave on the first or second date so to speak. No explanation necessary. Believe me, I can smell these people 10 miles away these days. You can too. I know you are in a bad place right now. I am too. I still cry some days. But I also feel empowered. The universe gave me a lesson. I have taken it to heart. I will use it in the future to better my life and my relationships.

This does NOT excuse in any way what my exBPD did or what your exBPD did... . never in a million years... . but I am a strong believer in that karma will eventually catch up to people who have done to others what they did to us.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Crystalclear,

     I can only imagine how debilitated you must feel.  On the other hand, this group (and I) have been, are and possibly will be again in much the same boat.

     The thing is, you don't need money to get to a better place and you certainly don't need to, physically, move. You need to start with yourself getting happier and this will mean getting past the very justifiable anger you have right now.  You're turning it on yourself and this makes it yet another way the BPD in your life can win.  No way can we let that happen! (and I do mean the 'we'

     I'm in no position to diagnose or treat you and wouldn't think of doing so, but I will say that a good anti-depressant literally saved my life when I was where you are now.  It took about 2 weeks and then, almost like magic, I began to have a lot more energy.  It certainly didn't make me happy per se, but I became able to think more clearly and had the energy to fight these issues actively.  If you don't have the money for the prescription the county you live in will help you. If you don't have any insurance, go to an ER and let the system you've been paying in to forever support you for once.

     By the way, I strongly suspect that you're incorrect about your ex having a new "LIFE".  New earrings on an old pig if you ask me! 

     The only reason you're telling yourself he has a new life with someone else is that you are buying in to the idea the pwBPD instilled that everything that went bad was your fault.  When you feel a little better (and you will), you'll see that just isn't true.  The Almighty Herself couldn't have made the r/s work and neither will the new wife or the others that will follow that one. You, on the other hand, will eventually be much better and much stronger -- forever.

LT