Verbally attacked. Not by BPD, but by mutual friend

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just wanted to share my experience today.

My stbxuBPDw and I are both working as volunteer in a organization. After our separation I did a step back and organized she and I wouldn't be working together.

Since a few weeks I noticed people changed behavior. I was told my stbx is painting me black.

Okay, I told folks just to believe what they want, but there are more sides to a story and I will not play this kind of game.

Today I was verbally attacked by a fellow-volunteer about some issue. I really didn't understand what he was raging about, but finally I understood my stbx had -in a devillish way- suggested that there were some problems. Without her mentioning my name some coworkers figured out, that those problems only could be there because of me.

Interesting thing: there aren't any problems, but the damage is done: my co-worker really went to far. I let him, but made it clear that I didn't understand what was going on and that I don't want to be treated this way. We went apart on a not to good base. Another fellow-worker made a sharp remark: "your ex certainly knows how to get people to argue".

I'm at crossroads right now. I'm doing this volunteerjob, because I like it. I continued it, organizing not to see my stbx, because I thought I could do it without harming the organization.

My stbx doesn't care about that. She's just cares about two things: herself and wiping me out.

I don't want the organization to get into trouble because my r/s-problems. I also don't want to feel bad about things that I do for fun. Right now I'm thinking just to quit this job.

On the other side: I really don't want to give her that pleasure.

Any thoughts would be welcome.

[VeryFree]

Just wanted to share my experience today.

My stbxuBPDw and I are both working as volunteer in a organization. After our separation I did a step back and organized she and I wouldn't be working together.

Since a few weeks I noticed people changed behavior. I was told my stbx is painting me black.

Okay, I told folks just to believe what they want, but there are more sides to a story and I will not play this kind of game.

Today I was verbally attacked by a fellow-volunteer about some issue. I really didn't understand what he was raging about, but finally I understood my stbx had -in a devillish way- suggested that there were some problems. Without her mentioning my name some coworkers figured out, that those problems only could be there because of me.

Interesting thing: there aren't any problems, but the damage is done: my co-worker really went to far. I let him, but made it clear that I didn't understand what was going on and that I don't want to be treated this way. We went apart on a not to good base. Another fellow-worker made a sharp remark: "your ex certainly knows how to get people to argue".

I'm at crossroads right now. I'm doing this volunteerjob, because I like it. I continued it, organizing not to see my stbx, because I thought I could do it without harming the organization.

My stbx doesn't care about that. She's just cares about two things: herself and wiping me out.

I don't want the organization to get into trouble because my r/s-problems. I also don't want to feel bad about things that I do for fun. Right now I'm thinking just to quit this job.

On the other side: I really don't want to give her that pleasure.

Any thoughts would be welcome.

[eniale]

My therapist recommended a good book "The Verbally Abuive Relationship" by Theresa Evans.  It was mind-opening.  I thought I knew what verbal abuse was, e.g., calling someone a b----rd or a b--ch, but it is so much more.  I remember a response they suggested is just to say "Cut it out!"  I'm wondering if this person starts in on you again, you could say "Cut it out -- you do not know the whole story!"  No one has to submit to verbal abuse.  I think maybe the shock factor of a response may be key.  Once my ex started in on his usual criticism of me and I remember saying to him in a fairly loud voice (not my style at all) "Lay off!" Totally surprised, he immediately got quiet, then put his arm around me & said "I am crazy about you!"  (Maybe he just should have said "I am crazy."  Ha, ha, just a little levity, in no way do I mean to poke fun at mental illness.)

[motherof1yearold]

Unfortunately, I recommend you leave the volunteer job as well. You can always volunteer other places and still get enjoyment.

As far as all of this drama stirred up , welcome to the 'smear campaign' ! It is pretty regularly talked about here, and I think that may be what  your ex has conjured up for you. During a relationship or after the split (it's usually both) the BPDer has split you black and tells anyone who will listen of the 'abuse' endured by YOU... . Frustrating , totally yucky thing to go through. My smear campaign was pretty instead with BPD ex and it is a really hard thing to understand and get through.

[VeryFree]

Thanks for your replies.

@eniale

my problem isn't really with the verbal agression of my co-worker. I can handle that and am man enough to reply in a decent manner. No harm done there.

My problem is with the whole situation: I just want to do the things I think are fun, allready have been giving in a lot, but it isn't enough for my stbx. She wants it all and she doesn't care about other peoples feelings or bigger interests to get me down.

@motherof1yearold

It's really hard en terribly frustrating. I'm holding on by not doing the same to her. Just telling people to believe what they want, especially the people that know me for years. My experience is that step by step other people will see that something smells fishy about my x.

For me quiting the job: I feel the same way now, but I don't want to burn any bridges yet.

[VeryFree]

I'm still not quite sure what to do.

Had a few good days, been very busy, so I didn't think too much about the whole situation.

Now things are quiet again, the thinking starts again.

I really dislike that: that my mind is being kept busy by her actions. Not by her as a person, but by her actions, her irritating behavior.

[Clearmind]

Okay, I told folks just to believe what they want, but there are more sides to a story and I will not play this kind of game.

Excellent!

Boundaries protect you VS. Can you talk to a supervisor about a way forward? Can you put it in a complaint about this person abusing you?

Life throws curve balls – we can learn from them.

How do you feel personally? Can you work with the emotions that are coming up for you?

[VeryFree]

Hi Clearmind!

We don't really have supervisors, but I did talk to the person closest to that.

Everybody's in our organisization is having a hard time with this. I think they don't want to lose either of us.

At first most people thought of me as the 'bad person'. It was me who partly quit, because I felt the working together would not be possible.

A few months later I notice people tend to think otherwise: they see my stbx paint me black, they see me keep my distance, and not playing along her games.

Honoustly I think it's a matter of time before she makes herself impossible. It shouldn't be that way, I don't want it that way, but she will probably not backup.

About my emotions: they come and go. Although I still don't understand why she is trying to totally bring me down in every way possible (yep, it's BPD, but still... . ), and have trouble to put that beside the love I once felt, I can move forward. Right now I'm (still) scared about my future. Divorce is pending, a big financial threat of many years is out there, as is her continuing smearcampain. Don't know how to handle those. Time will sort it out I guess.

[Clearmind]

VS, it really is easier said than done - believe me I'm in your position right now with a BPD aunt - however - we are what we act. Meaning, the more we don't react and respond and engage in any of the drama the more we rise above the pettiness.

Everyone has a past, everyone has their own triggers and the way they handle these instances - some better than others. Volunteers or not they will and do handle it the only they know how. They are probably just as confused and frustrated with it as you are.

Be the bigger person, ride through your emotions - these are natural - as far as "dealing" with your ex and others - don't - ignore! Write it out like you are.

It will go away.

An aside to all that is your pending divorce - stress personified - show yourself some kindness and compassion during this time that maybe you may not process things as well as you hope - its OK - cut yourself some slack because the more we chastize ourselves for not "dealing" with it the more our minds will spin us out of control.

Trust that everything is the way it is meant to be right now... . tough... . however a necessary part of divorce (never mind a BPD one).

[VeryFree]

Thanks for your stimulation words Clearmind.

I will try to remember those every time when things seem to go downwards!