Triggers for devaluation or leaving

[mango_flower]

Hi guys,

This is just a post made out of curiousity more than anything.  It helps me to understand this disorder, so just humour me

I want to know, at what point in your relationship did you get devalued and why?

For me, it was saying (when she asked me outright) that I'd rather wait another year to get married, rather than go ahead in the 8 weeks time we had planned. (We hadn't actually planned anything, I was worried about money, a whole lot of other reasons).

I genuinely thought this was the trigger but now not so sure.  Looking back, I think we started to get a little snippy with each other just before this?

So please indulge me:

a) What was the trigger for you being devalued?

b) What was the trigger for the actual break up of the relationship if different?

Thanks so much!

[me757]

I started getting devalued once she found out that I was going on vacation for 10 days. I told her about 3 weeks before. I booked the vacation before I started dating her so I was locked in. Also, we had only been dating a month. I understand that 10 days is a long time to go away from your significant other but I feel like a normal person would have understood the situation since I booked it before I even knew her. She told me that she left guys for a lot less than going away for 10 days. I should have ended it there. While on that trip, she called me up drunk and said that she was going to stay over at an ex's house because she wasn't feeling well. I then got upset and she hung up on me and turned off her phone for the rest of the night.

From here the relationship was very volatile with highs and lows. I came back and we made up. I was deep in the fog at this point. I kind of knew the relationship would end the next time I traveled. The trigger that ended us for good was when I was a few weeks away from visiting my family out of state for xmas. I invited her to come so we wouldn't have another incident. She was helpless and couldn't decide if she wanted to go of course. 3 weeks before I was to visit family, I decided to have a night by myself to finish homework. She called, drunk, and said that she didn't think we were strong enough to make it a week apart and that I had competition (her current fiancee/husband/who knows anymore). This call came a day after my grandmother died and I just couldn't take it anymore and ended it. There was no way I was going to go through the trauma that she caused me the 1st time I traveled again. She of course tried to get me to come over the next day for Thanksgiving but I ignored her calls, setting her in full motion to jump ship to the new guy.

Also another huge trigger was me not being down to marry within the first 6 months of us dating. This is something that the new guy was ok with apparently. By the way, her being "married" now has not changed one thing like she thought.

Writing that out really shows how much insanity I went through. glad to recount this. i just detached a little more.)

[danley]

My ex was brewing to boil over eventually. He was a timebomb waiting to exploded. He carried a lot of guilt and shame before I met him. And he was unhappy in his relationship but stayed to keep up appearances as he didn't want to be viewed as the bad guy who wanted out. Eventually his wife asked for divorce. But he still felt a sense of guilt even tho she left him. When I met him, this was his mindset.

As out relationship grew his guilt and shame never went away. This took a toll on him and he was itching to escape it. I think the trigger was when I started to ask to spend more time together. He was so engrossed in his guilt and shame. My requests became like daggers to him because he felt pressured as he wasn't or hadn't dealt properly with his issues. Although he still would tell me how much he loved me, my wanting more was the last straw. He couldn't find a way to do both. All of sudden I became the one to blame for his bills being behind and his house being a mess. All these things had nothing to do with me. He started saying how he was ashamed to be seen with me because someone might see us and he would hate to think what they'd think of him and his divorce.  This is the part that hurt the most.

In my situation,  the trigger was supposedly me but I know deep inside it was his frustration with himself. I can't see any other reason besides this. It sucks being thrown under the bus as sacrifice because he couldn't man up to his issues. And the worst part is that he still claimed to love me. It really did suck.

[Bananas]

When I told him I loved him.

[delusionalxox]

Hey there mango how are things? Any better?

Your ex's trigger seems quite 'classic' eg a disappointed or halted expectation of perfection and all needs being magically met (by marriage and your total commitment- which she would never have felt or trusted anyway).

My ex's major trigger for devaluation seems to have been when I looked for a house to buy with my kids and told him I had put an offer on one. We had been on/off and turbulent for nearly 3 years by then. He had left UK and gone to live in his home country. His plan was to go to Asia, because I had 'let him down' basically by refusing to let him live off me and not work, in UK (and provide him with a music studio etc). I think after our latest recycle (which he was more into than me, for a very brief time) he must have still been harbouring a fantasy of me as 'mummy'  who was going to provide for him eventually, because he went completely cold, and said that he could not be with someone who 'did not want to share a future' and 'did not consult him on big decisions'. So basically it was over because I did not wait around for him to feel like choosing a home for 'us' in a country he did not really want to live in or have much chance of obtaining employment in, as he refused to do a regular job if he could not get his dream academic post (very rare here) and claimed he could not work p/t in teaching (as most junior academics do here) as  he 'had too much to do'. (Ie fiddling around on a computer all day, smoking a lot of dope and hanging around with media types in their early 20s (he is 36) starting projects that never went anywhere).

After that he said that he 'still loved me but not with the same devotion as he used to' (!) and still wanted to have sex with me and could not think of being with anyone else. Although by the very end last month he was saying 'unless I fall in love with someone else', which to me was a semi-confession. I think he 'moved on' either mentally or physically 1/2 weeks ago as he abruptly lost all interest in speaking to me- having sent me a declaration of eternal friendship and commitment to 'fixing' us, 3 weeks ago.

Bah, it's all such a script eh. helps to write it down and detach, as poster above says. Just so transparently not about us, but about them and their fantasised need for total accommodation, a perfect 'mummy' they can push/pull away, rage at and make demands on.

[marbleloser]

a) What was the trigger for you being devalued?

ExBPDgf - Never was devalued

ExBPDw - When we said "I do" 

b) What was the trigger for the actual break up of the relationship if different?

ExBPDgf - The jail door being closed behind her 

[bpdspell]

a) What was the trigger for you being devalued?

b) What was the trigger for the actual break up of the relationship if different?

They can be triggered by anything once the mask is dropped. It can be anything because what lives inside of them has lived there way before we came into the picture. Inside of them lives a car wreck pile up of broken relationships, disappointments, shame, and abandonment fear... . it's simply us (although there are    ) who are unsuspecting... . we're the ones who duped ourselves into believing that we've hit the love lottery... .

In the beginning it's all white roses because that's what they show us through idealization. We're the unsuspecting ones who are unaware of how much they've repressed, swallowed, and painted others black just to keep up normal appearances. My ex had a LOT of ex's. A clown car. Women he's used, discarded, devalued, and women that he's abused and mistreated. And as we know... . they never ever grieve these experiences or take any accountability for their role in the failures of these relationships... . so in a ways were the lucky ones to receive this compounded angst.

In many ways they do not relate to others as humans with our own needs. Reciprocity is never on their radar. We're viewed more as objects, rescuers, and parent replacements. And if we step outside of our role... . there's hell to pay: devaluation.

I say that to say that once I desired true intimacy, once he realized that I truly desired real closeness, that I needed him to sometimes be the adult... . the mask was dropped and the BPD "crazy" came out in full view. Entitlement, raging, only caring about his needs, selfish as hell sex, blaming, all while expecting me foot the bill.

So yah. The triggers are: getting close to them, having your own needs, wanting them to be reciprocal, and intimacy which triggers their abandonment fear.

The breakup was inevitable as this kind of imbalanced parasitical exchange isn't sustainable in the long run.  Once the mask is dropped the bottomless pit of need is the order of the day. I left my ex cause I couldn't take the control, abuse nor the nasty entitlement to boot.

Spell

[crystalclear]

Hi mango_flower,

a) What was the trigger for you being devalued?

After 6 months in the long distance r/s where we met just twice for 2 complete weeks. He was in a hurry to get enaged/married but since the time i accepted his proposal but took no further 'serious' action or had a solid plan of when i would relocate to where he lived - arguements between us doubled. Between this other guys began to show interest in me, and he knew about it (silly me - for being an open book to him eventually) and moreover i broke up with him couple of times due to his abusive behavior. We always patched up - but his anger, abuse did not reduce. During this period he began to blame my 'lifestyle' for his anger/outbursts and shifted blame to me saying that i cared more about my friends (guys) than HIM or HIS happiness. It was slowly becoming a 'pressure cooker' situation for him.

b) What was the trigger for the actual break up of the relationship if different?

Still can't put my finger on one thing. I guess this still troubles me (why did he leave me?). His behavior towards me DRASTICALLY changed when i called off the wedding, as he abused me again and asked me to leave his place at 12.30 am, throwing my bags outside. Although in the next few weeks he cried and apologised (as usual) asking for us to work on the issue - which he never did. Nevertheless i fell for it (Again!). 6 months later he dumped me. He told me that 'we both were responsible for the breakup' but in his last conversation it did not seem like he took any responsibility or share any blame. He simply said that he did not want to marry a girl who made him wait. But putting the puzzle together i see perhaps the facade fell off, and he knew i was no longer his confidant - and that i can't trust him anymore. And that 'love' meant nothing to him. I was mere another girl he proposed to but saw it was a dead end - so he chose to go for 'arranged marriage'. Met the 'new' girl 4 months before his wedding. And yes, he was always worrying about him getting old (33yrs) and living alone, while all his friends were married and fathers.

[Grace58]

Devaluation began.  when I married her.

Breakup happened. when I caught her cheating and calmly suggested that we go to a counselor and that I did not want to break up.  I suspected the stress of my cancer had contributed to the cheating, and so thought we could figure it out together.  She flipped out and I became the bad person who "walked out" and was "abusive" for suggesting counseling.  It became a completely bizarre and delusional narrative, including telling the neighors stories of me breaking into her house when I was actually on another continent. 

[Clearmind]

Trigger for devaluation was his fear of engulfment (hallmark of BPD) - talk of advancing the relationship past magical thinking.

I no longer mourn the loss of a man who could not give me what I want.

[HardTruth]

The devaluation began 2 months into dating.  He has erectile dysfunction, and I think he was stressed out about how things would go when we woke up that morning.  He blamed it all on me - not sexy enough, my body wasn't quite right, etc etc.  And broke up with me a couple hours later.  It was completely sudden and unexpected.

[leftbehind]

I'm sorry you had to go through that, HardTruth.  That's rough.  But it sounds like you know it isn't you.  He'll have the same issues with the next one.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all,

Mine started whilst we were still friends, but it was done so well, that I did not even notice.

He felt he had the right to devalue me, because I 'looked cheap and untrustworthy'. (Since when does having male friends make one cheap?)

I was also an open honest book, (as it turned out, the way he constantly painted himself out to be wasn't actually the way he was).

For me, I was likely too honest, when asked by him, and he used it as a reason to abuse me.

It did not matter that he was no saint himself by any means!

[papawapa]

The first time was shortly after all four of her kids started spending weekends with us. Her oldest son had an attitude with me. I tried to discipline him and she raged at me for the first time. I left for a few days and then we reconciled. Years later she told me that she had gone and screwed some guy but it was "not cheating" because we were, "broke up at the time." Mind you, she was pregnant with our first child at the time.

The end came after twelve years of her masquerade. I knew she was talking to other men. Every time we would argue she would threaten to leave me. "one of these days I'm going to walk out of here and not come back." I was tired of hearing her bullhit and made her take her stuff and leave. She ran off with this guy that her daughter had broken up with the day before and is now "in love" with him and living in his mom's basement. 

[crystalclear]

Hi all,

Mine started whilst we were still friends, but it was done so well, that I did not even notice.

He felt he had the right to devalue me, because I 'looked cheap and untrustworthy'. (Since when does having male friends make one cheap?)

I was also an open honest book, (as it turned out, the way he constantly painted himself out to be wasn't actually the way he was).

For me, I was likely too honest, when asked by him, and he used it as a reason to abuse me.

It did not matter that he was no saint himself by any means!

Sounds just like my experience!

[Ishenuts]

For me, the devaluation really started once the children were born (via surrogate) Went through the whirlwind courtship and marriage, and immediately started the process to be parents (our honeymoon was spent at a fertility clinic talking about surrogacy) Should have realized that he really didn't want a wife, he just wanted children but needed a "wife" to legitimize it. Downhill from there because not only could he find fault with me as a wife, but as a mom, too!

The trigger for leaving was not one thing. It was the slow erosion. It was mutual. But I filed first which really bothered him. He couldn't claim "I divorced her", although he did say that the other day to a therapist we were consulting.

So happy to be free!

[myself]

The closer we were, the more we were burned.

[delusionalxox]

I was also devalued for being 'liberal' and 'too open-minded'. I was open with him about being bisexual and my sexual past (hardly a porn film, LOL). I got accused of constant affairs, 'flirting' and arranging 'orgies' and 'random sex appointments' (? not random if you make an appointment, surely? LOL) and this was part of his downgrading of me to just sex and finally to nothing.

[Willingtolearn]

The thing that triggered the devaluation was when i said to her "You are being as cautious about the relationship as i am"

Then suddenly BANG  i was triangulated and became Mr Nasty.

I wish someone can explain to me what exactly happened. I don't think i will ever understand it myself.

[jollygreen]

B) the trigger for my breakup was while I was out of town she spent the night at a house with three guy friends that I also knew. Two of them I was cool with, but one of them I knew had a thing for her. Long story short, she smoked pot with them, drank, spent the night (apparently on the couch), took a shower there the next morning and went to work. She said she didn't tell me she had planned to do that because she thought I would get upset. Hello duh? I told her that crossed a boundary and was disrespectful to me. And that's when she turned it around and was mad at me. A week went by and she treated me so lovingly and had a house picked out for us to check out and rent. A day later she had lunch with that guy I knew liked her ( I didn't get angry). And a day after that she turned me black and split. It was as if the woman I fell in love with was no longer in her body. Still confused, but getting better 3 months later.

[snappafcw]

Very similar to my story... . My ex and I were looking at rental properties to move out... . That was the last time I ever saw her

[leftbehind]

He invited me to Easter with his folks.  I had met his father once, but I think his mother and sister were bugging him to bring me.  Two weeks before Easter he broke up with me.  

I think that if Easter hadn't been coming, he wouldn't have felt the pressure to decide whether "this was it" or not.  (Although all along he had been telling me this was it, I was the one, etc).  Meeting the whole family would have made it too concrete for him.

[lipstick]

Triggers for devaluation or leaving?  Good points to ponder. My BPDex is a married man. My ex from high school. Reunited thru FB after 27 years. I knew NOTHING about personality disorders and was in a passionless marriage. He also is in a marriage with no intimacy / sexual or otherwise. His marriage is one of high conflict, alcohol abuse, and physical abuse by his spouse. We began a correspondence thru FB and things took off from there. The "love bombing", idealization, everything. I completely fell for it. Divorced my husband of 17 years and moved 3 hours away from my home to live with this man. I believed all of the promises of marriage, an "amazing life together", blahblahblah. Gave up my entire life to start over with him. There were absolutely    all over the place - but like so many of us - I chose to overlook them.

Long story short - this man was continuing to pay his mortgage on the home his spouse and 21-year old son were living in. Forcing us to live very sparingly. Struggling week-to-week. I even ended up selling some of my jewelry to make ends meet and he had the nerve to ask me to help pay his mortgage one month! I was paying to keep a roof over the woman's head that he was supposed to be divorcing!  Anyway - he lost his job on a Wednesday. Never said a word to me about it. Went right on acting like he was going to work every day. The following Tuesday - I left for work in the a.m... . He moved out and went running back to his home and spouse while I was gone. I came home to find all of his belongings gone. He had cleaned the house, done the laundry, put fresh sheets on the bed, and left dinner for me on the stove. Had also paid the rent and all utilities for the upcoming month. When he showed up that evening to return my vehicle - the only explanation I could get was that "he had nothing left to give. He was leaving me BECAUSE he loved me and that he could see he was destroying me". He "didn't know who he was anymore". Left me and gave me the Silent Treatment for the past nine months. With the exception of a brief conversation in February followed by a "this is the end / let me be" email and a weird outburst on Facebook

During our brief exchange in February, I asked him why he dumped me. I got a stammering reply: "I - I - I - don't know. I guess I just couldn't keep it all going".  ?    Then I told him that I couldn't stand the idea that he hated me. He got very quiet and said in an extremely soft voice "Oh, "lipstick", I don't hate you. I don't hate you. I love you". 

So, I don't really know. I guess the loss of his job triggered him and he panicked. He also told his friends that "it's not her - I miss my family" after he had left me. I don't know if I was "devalued". I guess I was because of the fact he dumped me. Totally bizarre. But I'm a stronger, better person for the experience. He's not.

[SurvivedLove]

I'm not sure what the trigger was. It could be one of a few things.

1) His selfhatred and selfblame over suffering from erectile dysfunction (he hated that he forced himself to go to the doctor to get some cream that'll increase sensitivity).

2) My backing off from participating in his furry world and not being interested in the cybersexing that was going on there (that is what caused him to start lying and cheating on me online.

3) Me losing interest in raiding in WoW (he blamed me and got angry at me about this, without ever telling me until he dumped me by email. THEN all his resentment over it came out full force).

4) Me 'miraculously' getting pregnant and feeling that an abortion was the only responsible choice (I had my tubes tied, but one of my ovaries and fellopian tubes had moved around due to scar tissue after C-sections, so the clamp didn't work as it's supposed to, which I and the doctors only found out a month ago! Being on medicine for severe stress at the time I got pregnant, I didn't want to offer a baby a life as a vegetable or damaged from the womb).

I think what caused him to dump me after all these things was HIS projections telling him that I wasn't particularly upset about having to abort our baby.

No regard for the many times I asked him to talk to me about how he felt about it, or the many times I told him that I was heartbroken, even though we made the right decision. In HIS mind, I have to be the bad guy, so he turned it into ME being the one who didn't wanna talk about it and who didn't really seem to care either... .

His FURIOUS ANGER that I had the audacity to get pregnant was a big thing in the break-up email he sent me. "This quiet anger and resentment I feel towards you isn't something I can put away or ignore any longer" were one of the things he said.

Yeah sure, I got myself pregnant. Me. ONLY ME AND MYSELF!

And of course I had taken ALL choice away from him, because HE was convinced that having your tubes tied was 100% foolproof and I HAD NOT TOLD HIM OTHERWISE!

Uhm... . scuse me, dude. But I think any person over the age of 12 in modern day society can tell you that NOTHING, apart from abstaining from sex and petting, is 100% foolproof. Yes, I told him that and got the response that HE DIDN'T KNOW, SO I HAD MADE LIFECHANGING CHOICES WITHOUT CONSULTING HIM! (angry exclamationmarks  )

I've been doing a lot of writing about this whole relation with him lately, mostly to show myself how sick and twisted and toxic things actually were for me. Getting diagnosed with severe stress 4 months into the relationship?   

Not sure how I overheard the warning trumpets blaaaaring at that  .

Anyway, reading some of the things I have written, some of the experiences with him I have detailed thoroughly in writing, I shake my head in amazement over how lucky I am to be away from that, from him, from any type of future containing his poisonous presence.

[Ahhhh431]

It seemed like anytime we got physical in bed she would immediately get up and run out of my house, as if she was ashamed. If I didn't chase her she would just sit in her car and cry until I finally went outside and got her... . She would never actually leave. But after each time for the next 3-4 days she would start pulling away drastically... . I would assume getting physical somehow caused her to devalue me?

[Ahhhh431]

I've been doing a lot of writing about this whole relation with him lately, mostly to show myself how sick and twisted and toxic things actually were for me. Getting diagnosed with severe stress 4 months into the relationship?   

Not sure how I overheard the warning trumpets blaaaaring at that  .

Anyway, reading some of the things I have written, some of the experiences with him I have detailed thoroughly in writing, I shake my head in amazement over how lucky I am to be away from that, from him, from any type of future containing his poisonous presence.

I have also found writing the situation out to be very therapeutic! That is one reason I think this board is so helpful! You did not deserve to be treated the way you did and I hope you come to realize that more everyday! You are very special and significant to this world so don't ever let one person determine how you see your value! Your on the right path, there are good things in your future

[delusionalxox]

Wow SurvivedLove... . I got pregnant twice to my ex while using contraception (? must have been badly... . my head was very f***ed up by him and I had this stupid passion for him that I still feel... . )

The first time he went totally cold on the phone, said 'I can't deal with this... . ' then later asked me if it was his (! he was always accusing me of infidelity).

The second time, which was last week, he has not even acknowledged. I went a bit crazy and texted and emailed him so many times asking for an explanation of why he idealised me AGAIN and then threw me into the void the next week. I got back a reply that I had 'deeply damaged him... . his nights and days were full of the awful things I had said and done to him... . and now I must stop tormenting him'

Not a word about the pregnancy or abortion. He is the only person who can suffer.

yeah it's true we are better off without these people so why do i feel I'll never love anyone again?

xx big hugs.

[nolisan]

 My experience was that about nine months into the r/s I started to "work on myself".

I am in recovery (alcohol and drugs) but I have used porn since my teens. This was my first sober r/s and I confessed my porn habit early on. She didn't bat an eye and said it was fine as long as I didn't want her to watch it with me.

But as  things progressed and I fell deeper in love the porn wasn't OK with me any more. It felt like I was "cheating" on her. I joined a 12 Step fellowship. All of a sudden it was a huge issue - she was with a "SEX ADDICT. When tried to put a bunch of shame on me which I certainly didn't need. She had 20+ in recover and had at one time been in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous herself. I didn't get it. I was trying to improve myself AND our r/s.

Then she told me: she felt I was "crowding the dance floor". Now I wasn't spending every second thinking about her and how to keep her happy. I was becoming and adult.

I also started looking at my codependency especially my rescuing. That was IT.

She liked me better when I was sick! I feel she probably was trigger that she was loosing control over me (she was) and fears of abandonment started to kick in. "I had better devalue him before he wakes up and leaves me".