Don't know how much more I can take

[broken3]

I have been separated from my STBEW for 10 months.

I found out about the boyfriend. Then the $5k withdrawals from my business. Then no bills paid in 10 months. Was removed from my home and kids for 3 months (for alleged abuse) till I fought that and won.

She was evicted. And I have had house and kids since then.

I lost tens of thousands of dollars from the forgeries, access to the accounts, paying lawyers, months of lost work because I was removed from the business/home. Yet I still have to pay her because I used to make alot more than her. She has a bachellors degree. While I have a high school education.

She took the job in the major box retailer so we could have health insurance for our kids. (after 15 months of looking for a job). I have paid all the bills for 20 years. And yet she has her nails done, joined match a month after she threw me out, has gym membership,

Not to mention the 52 pairs of shoes (not including sandals,sneakers, and slippers )her hair done for $150.00 a pop s And has spent a grand total of $100.00 (approximately) in the past 8 months on our kids.

My STBEW has been receiving food and cash from the state. Buying steak, king crab legs, shrimp etc.  Because she claims they are under her care.

While I buy ground beef, and chicken legs, and pasta to put food on the table.

She shows up %16 of the court ordered Wed. Then EOW.

And if she does show up it's late or not at all. Or says I'll get them the next day etc.

My 2 teenage girls want me to have her put in jail for all the wrong accusations and abuse she dishes out to them.

But I can't bring myself to do that as she is their mother.

Two abuse charges are listed against me (which I fought) and won.

As I was not even there for it to happen.

The mind games with the kids happens near daily. I have them all in therapy.

But I see no end in sight.

If I have to try and defend myself for the next 10 years. I dont know if I can do that.

She has been able to simply state things to a judge. And they take her word for face value.Without a shred of proof. Meanwhile I have a book worth.

I, however. Have done the same with the judges and police involved and they simply say. Request a contempt of court.

Really? That gets her a warning for the umpteenth time.

This system is so screwed up.

I am a proud dad. And do damned near everything for my kids. But, because I have a p----s. I am put through hell daily. And I simply have to deal with that.

Trying to embrace what happened, fighting false allegations, trying to take care of my family after losing tens of thousands of dollars, and trying to cope with the What the heck? Daily has me near utter exhaustion.

I don't sleep well. I can hardly focus on the business. I put most of my effort into the kids to mitigate the damage that has been done.

Almost every single dollar I spend is for the kids (nothing left after I give my STBEW alimony).

Hell, I dont think I have bought any clothes in a year for myself.  

How much more can one person take?

[marbleloser]

Hi broken3,

Damn,that sucks! You're right,it's not fair.Not even close! I'm going through similar.

Now,let's put things into perspective.

"And I have had house and kids since then."

This is the prize broken3.You have what counts.The kids.Forget the fact that she's getting by with anything,while you're suffering for a little bit.Look at what  you have my friend.Look at what a good dad your kids are lucky enough to have.

The food she buys,the gym memberships,the nails,... . they're all temporary "things".

The love you get from your children? That lasts a lifetime.

You're coming out WAY ahead in this case broken.

Do you have an upcoming hearing for divorce anytime in the future?

[ForeverDad]

She shows up %16 of the court ordered Wed. Then EOW.

And if she does show up it's late or not at all. Or says I'll get them the next day etc.

My 2 teenage girls want me to have her put in jail for all the wrong accusations and abuse she dishes out to them.

But I can't bring myself to do that as she is their mother.

Oh, but you can and quite likely should.  Odds are you won't get her jailed.  But you really ought to stand up for, or validate, your daughters if you reasonably can.  "As she is their mother" is meaningless when you consider her actions.  (Remember, by her actions she was trying to get you convicted of terrible things and generally the court's punishment is jail, right?)  In effect, who are you helping until now?  Validating your daughters by (appropriate) action?  Or enabling their mother by (possibly misguided) inaction?  Hmm?

Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison was recently revised and is excellent when dealing with alienation and involving the children in the blaming and blame shifting.  The introduction is especially powerful.  It states that the old advice to take the silent high road is wrong, you need to deal with the issues and conflicts, not ignore them or stay silent.

If you haven't read Divorce Poison yet, here's an excerpt from the introduction... .

Divorce Poison, by Richard Warshak, starting with page 1, paragraph 1... .  (emphasis added)

Your ex-spouse is bad-mouthing you to the children, often or constantly portraying you in a negative light, perhaps even trying to turn the children against you.  What should you do? ... .

The conventional advice is to do nothing.  Psychologists caution parents to avoid criticizing the other parent in front of the children... .  After years of consulting on cases where parents had heeded advice to be passive and had no success, I am convinced that the standard approach is wrong.  It does not work.  Often it makes things worse.  As relationships with their children progressively deteriorate, parents usually try desperately to reason with them.  Such efforts inevitably meet with failure and leave parents feeling helpless and hopeless.

This book explains why the common approaches are impotent, why doing nothing will accomplish nothing, and why relying primarily on reasoning is an unreasonable approach to the problem.  It offers a blueprint for an effective response grounded in a solid understanding of the techniques and dynamics of parents who poison their children's relationships with loved ones.

After reading this book you will be able to distinguish different types of criticism, ranging from occasional mild bad-mouthing to severe and systematic brainwashing.  You will know why and how parents manipulate their children.  You will know how to detect subtle psychological maneuvers in various guises.  You will learn how these practices - even those that seem innocuous - damage children.  And you will discover powerful strategies to preserve or rebuild loving relationships with your children... .

Divorce Poison was written primarily on behalf of children... . The failure of their parents' marriage is a chilling lesson that we cannot always count on love.  At such a vulnerable time in their lives, children especially need and deserve as much love as they can get.  Those who close off avenues of love and support detour children from their pursuit of emotional security.  And when they manipulate children into erecting the barriers themselves, when they enlist them as agents in their own deprivation, they violate their children's trust in a most cruel manner.  It is a form of kidnapping; stealing the soul.

I wrote this book to help lost souls find their way back to the hearts that await them.  I wish them a successful journey.

I, however. Have done the same with the judges and police involved and they simply say. Request a contempt of court.

Really? That gets her a warning for the umpteenth time.

This system is so screwed up.

Yes, the system is screwed up.  She ought to get her income imputed for what she is able to earn.  But if they tried to do that, she might claim she needs to have additional schooling to refresh her diplomas, certifications, licenses, whatever.  Yes, it's tough, I have a mild case of what you face, fortunately my ex is presumably not such a big spender.  But in 7 years in and out of court she's never had to produce her income and got imputed with minimum wage while I have always complied.  Unfair but that's life.

[broken3]

Marble and Forever,

If I remember correctly. It seems that we have been in similiar situations.

My state requires a 2 year divorce guideline. My ex will drag it out to the very end as she wants more of everything. $ Dollars.

My little guy is the only one who will still see her regularly.

At first the therapists wanted me to limit the time he spent with her due to the alienation tactics she was using.

They now say that he is fully aware and it's ok to allow him time with her.

He has a "savior" complex because mommy is alone. Is what the therapists are saying.

I make it a point to shield him from most of what happened. As I truly feel he is not old enough to understand. In a few years, maybe. But until then, I hope the therapists are right. As I constantly hear/record conversations where mom says things like.

":)on't trust anyone but mommy.". "Your sisters hate me." "You are my world, without you I would be nothing". What parent says that to a ten year old?

  I am lately trying to enforce the CO visitation times and schedule. But she will show up halfway through the weekend and say "i'm taking the kids for a few hours".

If I call the police. they say its her time with the kids.

If I plan something. Or the kids plan something on her schedule.( because we never know if shes going to show).

Then I get a response from her stating she is going to put me in jail. And the police again say. Its her time.

She was court ordered to give me her schedule every Sunday ( she works different days and hours every week).

She complied for 4 weeks. Then it became. "I 'll send you my schedule only on the days that it conflicts with my time with the kids".

Then if I text her ( the only form of communication requested by me and ordered by the court) Advising her of school, doctor appointments, therapy etc. I get a response back. "I am working. Do not text me again. You are harassing me".

As if I am a mind reader and know what days she works., Because she wont send me her schedule!

AAAAARGHHHH!   So frustrating!

[rj47]

I am so sorry. I weathered the storm for 25 years discovering the poison she fed my kids as they grew into near adulthood. I owned a business, worked very long hours during the week and made a very good living. My weekends were for my family. When she went to work for my company for several years, I had almost sole responsibility for shuttling my young daughter to school, riding lessons and other kid pursuits she had. It was liberating and I'm grateful for that time with my daughter now that she's 19. My oldest son however, spent his adolescence despising me. The wife pounded it into me through all of their years that I was bad father and they all hated me.  A few years ago when he become a father, I tried to apologize. He stopped me saying... . I was a good father, made mistakes, but that he had the best of everything, and was provided just enough of a leash to make the mistakes he needed to without destroying his life". He told me "it did not help that mom m*ther___ed you from the time I could remember".

Kids will always love their mother, but they absolutely "know". Its critical for us not to become reactive to the chaos spouses can cause but to be measured and responsive... . and always control our own impulses around others. As each of my kids grew up they encouraged me to take care of my own needs regardless of the love for their mother. I've tried not to play the victim card to any one of them, but it lifted an incredible weight off of me. I'm still with my wife and love her, but feel a new freedom that I was able to outlast "the demon" as far as my children's needs were concerned. I'm grateful for that.

My wife also took huge amounts of cash over an extended periods of time. For many years I could feed the spending dysfunctions at will. When the economy turned and the money slowed I was devastated to discover the depth and extent of the bleeding. It was thousands of dollars monthly and entirely my fault... . how could I blame her for burying my head in the sand?

The dam may break as my wife seems unable to break the cycle, but I choose to believe in a better path and will gently but forcefully move her to toward confronting the issues. Outlasting the demon no longer means accepting the abuse. I won't desert her, will always take care of her, but may not be around in the future for her to pummel, prod and degrade. I started to detach from my own needs long ago finding fulfillment in my kids (and grandkids), charitable pursuits and volunteer work with people. I'm not religious, but my faith and the resulting provision from G*d is the lifeline that has turned this 25yr situation into blessing. I don't mean to get preachy and hope you don't take offense.

Sometimes our greatest opportunities to transcend, evolve and triumph reside in our darkest challenges.

[Waddams]

I have a provision in my divorce orders that if either of us is late to start our time, that day reverts back to the parent that our son is currently with.  We have 50/50 so it's a bit different, but can you get something added to your orders that will cover you?  something to the effect of if she fails to show at the court ordered pick up time, or is some specified time period late (maybe an hour) you and the kids can go about your day and she loses that day or weekend visit?  then you can tell her to bug off when she keeps pulling all this crap.  if she calls the cops, you can show them the revised orders.

and as for her work schedule and her visits, the kids need a stable routine.  as a parent, she's supposed to be part of making sure that happens.  just my humble opinion, but she needs to organize her life so she can reliably be able to take the kids at her court appointed time.  that includes finding a job that lets her do that.  i understand things happen and it's okay to have work issues occasionally.  but having it happen on an on-going basis is something she needs to nip in the bud for the sake of the kids.

does your state have an interference with custody statute?  mine does.  people here can get arrested criminally for interfering with their ex's custody time.

[broken3]

Waddams,

At first it was to receiving parent is to be no more than 15 minutes late. The final order is that the parties are to be flexible for the benefit of the kids. She just picked up m y little guy 10 minutes ago from the 4:00 time. Did not ask about the 2 girls. And advised she is working on Sunday (during visitation).

I have been waaaaaay to flexible to a fault. It allows her to come whenever and drop off whenever.

No interference with custody in my state. If the court orders say for example 12-8. She can show up at 7:00 and keep till 8:00.

If I say no way. Then it is spinned to make me look like the bad guy. A no win situation. And she has already stated a few times and a letter from her lawyer stating they will hold me in contempt.

To further escalate the situation. She piggybacks the lawyers letter by saying she will put me in jail.

Its all her way or the highway. And she truly does not care about the continuous damage she does to the girls by not asking for them, or calling them. I am positive that this is doing continuous damage to them. But in her mind. Since the girls do not " like" her. She will ignore them. That's pretty messed up for a 46 year old mother to display.

It's all about her and her feelings and her wants, and her desires.

Hell the only reason she comes and gets my little guy is because it makes her feel good that she can feel good that one of our kids actually wants to spend time with her. What she does not realize is that all kids want to spend time with her.

They all want to feel loved, talked to, interest shown in their lives.

[ForeverDad]

At first it was to receiving parent is to be no more than 15 minutes late. The final order is that the parties are to be flexible for the benefit of the kids... .

I have been waaaaaay to flexible to a fault. It allows her to come whenever and drop off whenever.

No interference with custody in my state. If the court orders say for example 12-8. She can show up at 7:00 and keep till 8:00.

If I say no way. Then it is spinned to make me look like the bad guy. A no win situation. And she has already stated a few times and a letter from her lawyer stating they will hold me in contempt.

To further escalate the situation. She piggybacks the lawyers letter by saying she will put me in jail.

It's highly doubtful she can put you in jail, though I'm not saying it couldn't happen, stranger things have happened.  This is her entitled threatening that she expects to keep you compliant, cowed and subdued.

She gets to determine her parenting time?  I can't believe that.  No way would one parent just say "I can do what I want."  Isn't it more like she can be flexible in that she can start earlier one time but then has to reciprocate by giving it back at other times, at least sometimes?

Its all her way or the highway. And she truly does not care about the continuous damage she does to the girls by not asking for them, or calling them. I am positive that this is doing continuous damage to them. But in her mind. Since the girls do not "like" her. She will ignore them. That's pretty messed up for a 46 year old mother to display.

And court will not try to change her.  It is what it is.  Most here have experienced the ex's sense of entitlement and "black-or-white thinking", "Pick one, I win everything or you lose everything", etc.  However, parenting time is a standard issue in family court, judges generally are willing to tackle those problems, especially if you can show that it's one parent always taking beyond the order and seldom if ever giving back.

Court is the authority on interpreting your 'flexible' parenting time, not ex, not even her lawyers.  Her lawyer may be right that you have to let her pick up or drop off at flexible times, but likely they are silent on what the court might rule if her pattern is shown to be "take and take" rather than "give and take".  I am fairly sure you have a case that 'flexibility' is understood by to the court to generally be "give and take", not "take and take".  But in order to prove that she refuses to 'give' you have to attempt to do some flexibility for yourself, schedule some activities that start before the scheduled time and some that end after your scheduled time.  Document her responses.  If you ever go to court about this, you need to show a pattern of her taking/demanding additional time AND her refusing/obstructing/denying your attempts to get your own additional time.

To say no:

Sorry, you can't take the children early (or bring them back late) because we have activities planned then... .

To request:

I will pick up the children early (or bring them back later than scheduled) since I have activities planned with them.

(Optional:  The last X times the schedule wasn't followed was when you took the children early or brought them back late, so this is reasonable.)

Did you see that both times, you give a reason?  You don't demand the kids - or say no - without a reason.  "The kids and I have activities" is sufficient reason to exercise the 'flexibility' aspect of your order, just as much as her ever-changing schedule has been accepted as a reason for flexibility.  IMHO

Note a few things.

• First, the court must have felt that vague requirements would work, they usually do with reasonably normal parents, obviously one of you isn't reasonably normal and can be expected to abuse that flexibility in the order.



• Second, you better have some activities planned or else yes it could look like you're blocking.



• Third, you need to document all the deviations from the written schedule.  You need to document a pattern of unreasonable demands and unreasonable terms.  Probably the court will ignore small deviations like 15 or 30 minutes, saying live with it.  Highlight the longer times, who got the extra time.  If you can show it is her nearly all the time and she denies your attempts to get flexible time too, then you may have basis for Contempt of Court.

However, court won't force her to take all her children, and you shouldn't try.

[broken3]

Forever,

I have always. And always will say to our kids that they can see their mother whenever "they" want to.

The judge confirmed that and so the flexible additional time was allowed.

But it has morphed into her requesting additional time. Whenever she has an extra couple of hours, or is not sick, or has nothing else planned.

Big difference in my opinion. It interrupts dinner, family time, watching a movie, playdates scheduled with friends etc.

But she has them call her to say " go ask daddy if it's ok if I see you between 4-7 today".

Puts the kids in the middle every time. I have asked a hundred times to stop doing that. But she could care less.

I have documented every visitation down to the day and minute and which kids went. Sometimes the visitation will last 15 minutes as an argument brakes out and she just drops them off. Because she can't deal.

The one time I denied her an overnight on a Sunday night with my son. The s--t hit the fan. I did not allow the overnight because of school the next morning. And the two other times I allowed it in the past she did not bring the kids to school. And took them out of school for court. So I had very good reason and history proved itself.

On the contrary, while attempting a 3 day (mon.-wed) getaway to the shore.(very difficult to do between getting ok if there is room, doctor appts, therapy, work etc.) Her lawyer said I was in contempt because the 30 day notification of vacation rule applies.

And the kids and I were only talking about it. They wanted to go and I said I will see if I can make that happen.

That plan was squashed very quick as the neighbor already was going to be there. so no reason to reschedule appts. Ask the ex if it was ok, etc.

But again, it was used as a tool to say that I am breaking court order. As that would affect her Wed. 4-8 visitation.

I still don't know how they could presume that I would have not been back by 4:00 on Wed. But as with everything else. If she says it. It must be true.

The insanity has got to stop at some point!

[ForeverDad]

What the lawyer said, apparently was not about the parenting time aspect?  Could it have been about taking the kids out of town or out of state on your time?  Is there anything in the order that requires you to notify* her 30 days in advance about all out-of town/state trips, even ones completely within your time?  Otherwise, if it is your time, you decide.

* Vacations or 'extended time' is all about notification, generally not permission.  That's why they are called vacation notices.

I'm thinking she either has gotten her lawyer to be overly aggressive because you don't have anyone to spar back with the lawyer or you've got a seriously one-sided court order?  Remember, the lawyer can write what he wants, doesn't mean it will hold up in court.  Lawyer can claim contempt, means nothing unless the court rules it as contempt.  Was this an agreement rubber stamped by the judge or the judge's decisions?