Having trouble with irrational guilt and anxiety over job loss

[isilme]

I don't know where else I can 'talk' right now, but I really need to get some of this out.  I just lost my job, and though I've had a few interviews I have not heard back from anyone.  BPDbf is doing really awesome in this, but I'm scared to totally let go with all my fears, worries and tell him how much this has shaken my self esteem.  I grew up with a suicide-threatening manic depressed dad, and a guilt tripping, suicide attempting mom, isolated from all family, totally alone in that crazy bubble.  I am very co dependent, fighting it, and had been making headway, but I feel like I lost it all since I got my notice and more this first week unemployed.

I feel like a total waste of space.  I feel guilty all the time.  I was laid off for budget reasons but am having nightmares when I can sleep about being told I made a mess of the job and of people coming to find me to tell me how bad I did.  My brain can see this is t true but I can't get a hold of he feelings.  My main source of pride in myself after escaping my parents, has been getting through college and getting into my career.  I felt hat no matter what I'd been told growing up, I'd proven I was responsible and could take care of myself.  Now that is to is to e and though I know part of this is female-hormonal issue related I am having a really bad night and can't stop shaking crying or panicking for more than an short while.

I'm just scared.  I'm scared all the progress made with bf is going to go away be ause I can't manage myself, and I will end up being invalidAting.  I'm scared I'm going to look like some worthless mooch while job hunting.  I'm scared my parents were right and I really am some terrible person.  I'm scared no one will want to hire me.  I was told I'd done a good job but there was no budget for my position anymore, but I can't really feel good being told I did a good job but the. Being rejected.  Is any of this normal?  Am I going crazy like my parents did?  There is no availability of T in my area and I can't afford it now at all.  I have been on antiDs for a year, but with the change in my schedule I've gotten off track with them.

Has anyone else put so much self worth in their job that they'd take it like his if that job disappeared?

Sorry for rambling, since things with bf have improved I avoid this board so as not to focus on BPD instead of bf as a person, but I'm not sure where else I can go at 12:30am.

[Grey Kitty]

  My life doesn't have the same issues yours does... . but I do care. 

I gotta say that you ARE being very self-aware right now, and that will make a huge (positive!) difference.

Yes, you are depressed and feeling guilty. And you know it. You don't blame it on anybody else, and are working really hard not to take it out on anybody else. 

You know that your bf doesn't have what it takes to give you emotional support when you feel this far in the dumps, so you aren't dumping on him. 

You know that you need to work hard at being validating with him right now, even though it will be tough. 

It sounds like your antiD's are very much in order for you right now. Can you get that back on track?

 Hang in there!

[isilme]

Grey kitty,

Thanks for the reply.  I am getting back to taking the antiDs at wake up, regardless of when that is.  I'm kinda worried about how to pay for them when this refill runs out, but guess ill just cross that bridge when it comes.  Thank you for listening, I think that's what I needed most.  Got a call for a part time temp job in my field, won't pay what I need, but will allow me to continue to contribute to the household and maybe one of my interviewers will call in the meantime.

Thanks,

[Grey Kitty]

Hang in there!

I don't know how you will pay for the AntiD's ... . but I don't think you can afford to skip them either! If you are too depressed, you won't even get out of bed for an interview  

And temp jobs can be great--you get a wonderful chance to check out a new employer and see what sort of place it is. Plus they get a chance to check you out. If you like them and impress them, you could be first in line when a regular job is available!

 

[P.F.Change]

It sounds like you are dealing with automatic negative thoughts (ANTs). There are things you can do to exterminate them.

First, look at one up close. Ask yourself:

Is it TRUE? How certain can I be that it is true?

How do I feel when I believe it? How would I feel if I did not believe it?

Who would I be without it?

Then, write down the opposite of the ANT. As an example, one of my ANTs was "I am going to get in trouble." The opposite was, "I am not going to get in trouble."

Now, examine the anti-ANT in the same way.

Is it TRUE?

How would I feel if I believed it? How would I act?

What would be different if I believed it?

I think therapy would be very helpful for you. If you can't afford therapy or if it just isn't available where you are, MoodGYM is a pretty good alternative. It is basically CBT online. There is a link here somewhere for that.

Would you like to take a look at any of your ANTs here?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[isilme]

P.F, Long time, no read

Yes, I'd not heard of ANTs but that sounds about right.  I guess a few of the most prevalent are probably pretty common:

-My parents were right, I am no good at anything and I will fail at all I do, especially if they aren't "helping" me

They were wrong.  I am good at what I do when I apply myself, and I made it through college and started my career without any help from them

I felt okay believing in this, but a lot of it was bolstered by being employed and self sufficient.  It's much harder now that my ":)umbo's feather" is gone.

-I am a waste of space and a burden to others

I do my best to help others, and try not to request help unless absolutely needed

I think this is true... . If it is then I can let go of the automatic guilt I feel when I DO need help

-I am doomed to be as maladjusted (crazy/harmful to others) as both parents no matter how hard I try not to be

For someone with my emotional scars, I do okay not repeating my parents' mistakes of emotional abuse, and for the most part, am decently aware on an intellectual level of why my emotionas can be wacky, even if my heart isn't listening to my brain

I know I try.  This requires input from others, and though BF has his own emotional issues, he's good at letting me know when I am acting out


Things are still tough, I am at the temp job now, and it'd be great if this could become a permanent position, preferably full time for financial reasons.  The people are nice, and the work is what I like so far - designing and coding.  At least I am feeling wanted, which I guess was a big part of my depression last week - I believe I project my feelings of rejection and disapproval from my parents, even having not spoken to them in years, onto authority figures, and so even when told I was not let go for work performance but for budgeting, I still felt it was a personal rejection.  I'm still having mild panic attacks at night, but have found some anti-anxiety tracks to listen to so I can sleep, and hopefully stop the "I'm nervous/depressed" weight gain. 

[P.F.Change]

P.F, Long time, no read

Indeed!  Good to see you.

-My parents were right, I am no good at anything and I will fail at all I do, especially if they aren't "helping" me

They were wrong.  I am good at what I do when I apply myself, and I made it through college and started my career without any help from them

I felt okay believing in this, but a lot of it was bolstered by being employed and self sufficient.  It's much harder now that my ":)umbo's feather" is gone.

Does being unemployed mean you are a failure? Maybe there is another ANT hiding there. How do you feel when you believe you are no good at anything? Conversely, how do you feel when you believe that you are good at things--even if you don't have a job?  Do you believe you are capable of overcoming setbacks? What would it be like to believe, "I am a success?"

-I am a waste of space and a burden to others

I do my best to help others, and try not to request help unless absolutely needed

I think this is true... . If it is then I can let go of the automatic guilt I feel when I DO need help

What about "I deserve to be here," and, "I am a joy to others?" What would it feel like to believe those?

-I am doomed to be as maladjusted (crazy/harmful to others) as both parents no matter how hard I try not to be

For someone with my emotional scars, I do okay not repeating my parents' mistakes of emotional abuse, and for the most part, am decently aware on an intellectual level of why my emotionas can be wacky, even if my heart isn't listening to my brain

I know I try.  This requires input from others, and though BF has his own emotional issues, he's good at letting me know when I am acting out

One ANT seems to be, "I am doomed." Its opposite might be, "I am free." "I cannot control what happens to me," might have as an opposite, "I can control my choices." Another ANT is "I am just like my parents." Opposite might be, "I am my own person." I bet there are some more ANTs you can find in that paragraph.

... . even when told I was not let go for work performance but for budgeting, I still felt it was a personal rejection. 

Where is the ANT here? What is its opposite?

PF