pwNPD/BPD always WINS

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's 5 months for the breakup, i tried looking at the positives and believing there are good people out there including my family and friends.

The honest truth is like i have overrun their patience and time. Evenafter i shared with them what i have been through, noone understands and now i see they don't really care.

1. My friends have been avoiding me probably because they are bored of listening to how low i feel. And family is tired seeing me in this state - and they think i am wasting time!

2. I tried meeting new people, got back to dating pool, although i am still not ready. I realised was either these men wanted sex or power. Either wanted to have a casual r/s or talk marriage but need a maid in a wife's dress.

3. Situation at home is terrible, noone really has any love left in themselves. Noone talks the other like they care - including my parents. The environment is pure negative.

4. The worst of all things is my exbf who left me 5 months ago is married and living all his dreams with this new woman.

5.I cannot afford a vacation, as all my salary goes into repaying my loan and the amount i borrowed from my exbf (pwNPD/BPD).

6. I almost lost my job due to depression, but have  pushed myself to work even harder.

For the past one month i have withdrawn myself from talking to anyone. I just work all day to keep myself busy. There are NO decent or qualified therapists in my city - only doctors who consult medication which i do not need.

On the other side - he moved on in just 2 months to find another woman, got married to her 4 months later, got a new job, moved into a beautiful new house with her, going on a great holiday with her - He got ALL what he wanted. He is doing  FANTASTIC!

I have been reading to find solace, i have been posting here - as you all are the only people who understand support me - who i can connect to.

[crystalclear]

It's 5 months for the breakup, i tried looking at the positives and believing there are good people out there including my family and friends.

The honest truth is like i have overrun their patience and time. Evenafter i shared with them what i have been through, noone understands and now i see they don't really care.

1. My friends have been avoiding me probably because they are bored of listening to how low i feel. And family is tired seeing me in this state - and they think i am wasting time!

2. I tried meeting new people, got back to dating pool, although i am still not ready. I realised was either these men wanted sex or power. Either wanted to have a casual r/s or talk marriage but need a maid in a wife's dress.

3. Situation at home is terrible, noone really has any love left in themselves. Noone talks the other like they care - including my parents. The environment is pure negative.

4. The worst of all things is my exbf who left me 5 months ago is married and living all his dreams with this new woman.

5.I cannot afford a vacation, as all my salary goes into repaying my loan and the amount i borrowed from my exbf (pwNPD/BPD).

6. I almost lost my job due to depression, but have  pushed myself to work even harder.

For the past one month i have withdrawn myself from talking to anyone. I just work all day to keep myself busy. There are NO decent or qualified therapists in my city - only doctors who consult medication which i do not need.

On the other side - he moved on in just 2 months to find another woman, got married to her 4 months later, got a new job, moved into a beautiful new house with her, going on a great holiday with her - He got ALL what he wanted. He is doing  FANTASTIC!

I have been reading to find solace, i have been posting here - as you all are the only people who understand support me - who i can connect to.

[delusionalxox]

I really doubt he IS doing 'fantastic' crystalclear. I've read your other messages and this is a very deeply disturbed person. A person who just like the other men you are meeting, had nothing good to offer you. He was a fake.

I really understand how you feel and your disillusionment.

I have had an odd mixed reaction to being without BPD ex. I realised he was sucking energy out of me which now I've got for myself. But I also have the same feeling of rage at unfairness that you do- in dark moments I want him to suffer, not to be happy... . but that won't help me. How would it? It is best that I just forget him and move on, which I can't do yet. So I have to just live with the moments of pain for now (and they are many and sometimes crippling. Plus I feel stupid, shallow, and a dupe).

The thing is, I realised no one else can or is going to make me happy. If I rely on someone else to do that, it will fail. I've got to do it myself. This has been very important for me.

xxx big hugs.

[Billa]

good point Servalan.

Crystal, I feel for you. I'm there with you.

[changingme]

crystalclear,

I am in your boat!

I have gotten to a point that I don't tell my family and friends the little everyday things that hurt, but even when it is something big I still try to reach out and get no where.  I used to believe they didn't care as well, but I think it is they do not know what to say anymore.  A lot of times I just get I'm sorry and a sad face in a text message.  I rarely get a followup days later to check in and see how I am feeling and dealing with the big issue I shared.  Even after I have tried to tell some friends that my ex is a troubled man (without getting into BPD) some still think he will "see the light" and we will become one happy family.  To be honest, sometimes I don't even get the feedback on these boards that I am needing.  I still feel alone.

Aside from the lack of understanding, I am just not truly happy with all the relationships with my friends and family as well for other reasons.  My family are great people, but they can be difficult and negative and there is a big distance among us that I could never figure out and it hurts.  

I have tried to meet new people/friends which is very hard a lot of people are very settled in their own lives and I have tried dating.  Both have not worked.  

I have been really needing a vacation to take a break but I can not afford one at this time.

I also believe a big boost to help my daughter and I would be getting a fresh start to a new apartment.  There has been a lot of bad memories here and it is hard not to remember it everyday as you walk around.  I can't afford to switch places for a couple more years after I finish night school.

And yes, my ex IS happy with his gf.  They are on vacation together right now as we speak.  She gets everything I never got! It has been awhile too (years) and it has been consistent and it is safe to say they, for the most part, are a lot happier and a lot more of a "normal" couple then we ever were.  I will never get over that because this is the girl I was recycled with countless times.  I feel like she "won" in a twisted way.

I don't think he won though, I know he is suffering inside. I think he has learned now to show it to the gf and his family and his friends.  They all think he is completely happy and moved on but I know BPD and I can see he is still torn between me and the family he gave up and the relationship between this girl.  He is always confused and he tells me it often.  This is why I do feel like BPD wins.  There is no resolution, no finite closure, there is always this confusion and therefore BPD wins over my life.  It wins over my life, because I also know my daughter has BPD as well.  

[Validation78]

Hi Crystal~

I know you're in a bad place right now, and for that I am truly sorry. As we get older, we learn to accept the fact that life is filled with ups and downs. It doesn't make it easier when you're down, however, accepting that life is what it is gives us hope for improvement when we are in funk!

BTW, not that we should find pleasure in this, however it is a very good probability that life with our ex is probably NOT fantastic! Remember, to the outside world, our lives with them once looked fantastic too. Sadly, pwBPD have a track record that is bound to repeat itself over and over if they don't get the help they need. BPD just doesn't go away on it's own and it doesn't get better just because we went away!

Hang in there!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Crystalclear 

  I wanted to pass on that the new gal will pay for this vacation later on will thousands of tears.  Nothing comes easy in a dysfunctional r/s.  It might look like happy on the outside but we all know it's a different story behind closed doors eventually.  They can only keep up the facade for so long.

Do you live at home with family?

I like your writing style, you have a knack.

[flynavy]

crystal... . after much research on this disorder and investigating my own relationship with my exNPD/BPDfiance, I am confident that they (pwNPD/BPD) are not doing fantastic... . including yours!  Remember, because of their disorder they have become masters at acting, and putting on a facade! 

My ex was in a sexual relationship with an 18 yo man when she was 13 and all through high school.  Slept with her sisters boyfriend when she was 18 when the family went on vacation and bragged to her about it.  She does like money and what it can buy and HIDE... . Married at 22 to a guy with family $... . lasted 6 months... . he beat her because he found out she was cheating.  Married guy with money she met as admin for a brokerage firm for 10 years and 4 kids... . left him when business went bankrupt.  Started seeing her first husband because he stopped drinking and she needed to be with someone.  Met a guy with money and he killed himself in a car wreck... . she told her family he kidnapped her once for a week and raped her.  Met an older guy (+15 years) tried to get married but family intervened.  Got engaged to a younger guy who's family had $ from restaurant business... . left him... . no one seems to know why... . met her current guy 7 years ago... . same attraction... . $s.  She has been cheating on him for the past 7 years with her first husband, a guy she met in Home Depot who was arrested at her house for Identity fraud, several other guys she meets through work... . she is a nurse.  Thats how she met me... . She was my wife's nurse at the oncology office for 7 years.  She was actually engaged to me and her current guy for a short period of time.  When I found out all of this, called off the wedding just in time!  She is still with him... . and probably others!  I actually saw her at the airport... . she didn't see me.  Of course with her guy smiling and holding hands.  This poor guy didn't know she was with me (last sexual rendezvous for me)just 2 months prior at her new place!  She is 55 now.  Her family and I believe her BPD/NPD disorder stems from the pain of being in a sexual relationship at such an early age (13)!  Yes she is very good looking and has the body of a 30 year old and knows exactly how to use it.

My point is do you think she has been doing FANTASTIC for the past 42 years!  Is doing fantastic now?  She will never know what it is like to truly be in love... . have intimacy... . she only knows intensity! 

Regarding friends and family treating you differently... . Even after my wife died... . my friends were/are different with me.  My therapist told me it would happen.  Don't know why but it seems to be human nature to avoid other peoples pain... . especially when your life is going well.  Maybe its a reminder to them that it can happen to them too if it happened to you?  Not sure, but it does happen.  I found out so much about myself... . stuff i didn't realize as a result of loosing my wife to Ovarian Cancer and then this NPD/BPD ordeal.  I do know that it does get better with time.  It did not start to get better until I got to know WHO I AM, what is important to me, and not letting someone else control my life.  It does take time to grieve this loss... . yeah... . it is a loss because WE truly loved.  I am here feeling better!  Think about this... . over the last 4 years I lost my wife, lover, best friend, mother to my children, confidant and then a 2 year ordeal with BPD/NPD.  I have found some good things out of this... . just how strong I really am... . my sister is a beautiful person who cares about me more than I ever realized... . my boys are my best friends... . I now have a new found sister and brother (my cousin and her husband) who have been a tremendous source of strength/consolation/ and encouragement when I needed it most.

I know I am a lucky/fortunate man to have been married to my wife... . she is the source of my strength and she watches over me to this day!  I have never seen such strength, courage and love in another woman.  Before she died, she made me promise that I would NEVER feel sorry for myself, always count my blessings and never waste a minute of LIVING and find someone to LOVE!  She never felt sorry for herself.  When we found out the doctors could no longer treat her because her bone marrow was shot from multitudes of chemotherapy... . she consoled me!  She held me as I wept like a child and told me she was OK with this, and wanted assurances from me that I would go on!   

One door closes... . another opens... . don't just walk through the door to survive... . do not waste a minute of living... . its a gift.  There are good/selfless/loving/caring people out there... . I was married to one of them for 32 years!

Please take care of YOURSELF... . if you like to work out there is nothing like endorphins to make you feel good.  Re-kindle a passion you may have had but kind of dropped it because of work, relationship etc.  I started playing guitar after a 30 year hiatus.  Focus on you... . you will have bad days... . hell, I still do but I have learned to roll with that emotion.  I seem to feel stronger after I get to the other side.  Trust me... . it does get better... . you have the power and control!

Old Navy saying... . Wishing you Fair winds... . following seas... . God's speed!

[Nearlybroken]

Crystalclear,

I actually wept as I read your post as you are going through the same emotions,hurt and frustrations as I am currently.My ex moved on in record time and appears to be having a great life.Alas we have to communicate but when we do it is clear that he now views me as some inconvenience rather than the woman who loved him for years and did all she could to make him happy.It angers me that he has forgotten everything that I did... . both emotional and practical... . to ensure he was happy and now turns everything against me.If I had a pound for everytime I had been blamed for things and had my explanations twisted,was called names etc... . well,I could probably afford to fly over and meet you for a drink and to swop stories  .My story is so long and quite frankly at times crazy that I have only posted snippets on here,it is almost like I don't want to face up to how dysfunctional it was.

Like you,I have stopped talking to people as it became obvious they had tired of me talking about him.I dont think they appreciated that I had to in order to process my hurt and anger.For them and him it is life as normal... . I feel though I am the only one who is suffering.

I cannot afford a holiday ( I am struggling to keep my house) and the thought of dating makes me feel ill.Truth is I cant think of being in a relationship with anyone other than him.Madness.

I also got into difficulties at work because I had depression and was so wrapped up in his illness.I still think of him constantly and so wish things were different.I loved him with all of my heart... . still do... . and it is difficult when that love won't go away.Sometimes I think I can't actually verbalise the emotions that I feel because I am so confused,hurt and angry

I am in a mess so not so good at giving practical advice but I just wanted you to know that you with people who understand and who have lived/are living your nightmare.I think I would have gone mad were it not for these boards.Sending you a big hug  

[danley]

I don't think he's doing fantastic either. I can't see anyone moving on and getting hitched so soon after a relationship as thinking straight. I mean, regardless of how your relationship was with your ex there will be residual feelings. And those who want to escape those feelings sometimes go head on into new relationships to fill a void. Whether it be feelings for you or feelings of unhappiness in themselves.

I know my ex has low self esteem and emotional levels of a child. My ex seems to be thriving after four months of Jekyll and Hyde. I wonder WHY he's changed and WHY he seems to be better. I second guess everything about him since then. It's crazy because you'd think I'd be happy about him in a better state if mind and mood with me. But it makes me feel a plethora of mixed feelings... . annoyed, happy, uncomfortable, vulnerable. I guess it's because the trust was broken when he went all rage mode for three months.

I don't think your family and friends don't care. Perhaps they don't understand but I doubt it's because they don't care. Many will get angry because they can't believe someone is or has hurt you. Many will get upset because they don't understand BPD or how much you feel hurt.

Right now your perception and lack of trust in men is probably holding you back from being receptive in the dating area. Once you've healed a Bit more you will be ready and open to seeing and meeting men with a different mentality. I'm not ready to date. I have to be honest to myself as I still have feelings for my ex. I had offers to go on dates set up by friends but I'm not even over my ex yet fully. Although im on the fence, im so scared to trust him right now. Its been one month solid of him treating me kindly CONSISTENTLYsince our last heated talk where I told him I don't know who he is anymore, couldn't trust anything about him, that he hurt me, and suggested he seek professional help. He seems to be trying to cooperate and yet this scares me? I dont know how to explain it. Maybe it's because I question the reason for his change. I guess it makes me wonder if the change in him is because he's happy with this new person? But point is, i still have feelings for him. So it'd be wrong for me to dive into a new relationship right now. I'd only be hurting myself and someone else.

Try taking a walk to escape your family. I know it's hard to get away from family but if you feel the environment isn't healthy for you,  remove yourself for a Bit. You can't afford a vacation but you can still do other things.

Your ex moving on and getting married so suddenly is rough. I feel for you. I understand how painful it must be. Just know that you deserve the best. I know No words can soothe your pain completely but if it helps, we are all here to listen.

Hang in there, Crystal.

[bpdspell]

I know I am a lucky/fortunate man to have been married to my wife... . she is the source of my strength and she watches over me to this day!  I have never seen such strength, courage and love in another woman.  Before she died, she made me promise that I would NEVER feel sorry for myself, always count my blessings and never waste a minute of LIVING and find someone to LOVE!  She never felt sorry for herself.  When we found out the doctors could no longer treat her because her bone marrow was shot from multitudes of chemotherapy... . she consoled me!  She held me as I wept like a child and told me she was OK with this, and wanted assurances from me that I would go on!   

:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

[bpdspell]

I agree with everyone on here.

Appearances are just that. Appearances. And they can be very deceptive. Remember. BPD's and Narcissists are experts at the facade and living in that tissue thin protective shell called a mask. They can have cars, houses, diamonds, supply... . none of it will ever fill their deep miserable voids. Happiness does not dwell there. If it did; your ex wouldn't have treated you so poorly. The are Academy Award level liars and phony to the bone. Do not let the appearances fool you because the truth of who he is will always live underneath and rear it's ugly insides.

By creating a fantasy narrative of happiness for him... . you are giving him your power while decreasing yours and it's up to you to reverse that.

I know you're hurting but try your best to see that in actuality you are winning your life back. The way they treat others is a ten percent of the misery that lives inside of them. They are broken tortured souls.

All that glitters isn't gold. Look at the story of Bernie Madeoff.  Appearances. But it always catches up to them.

Spell.

[crystalclear]

I don't think he won though, I know he is suffering inside. I think he has learned now to show it to the gf and his family and his friends.  They all think he is completely happy and moved on but I know BPD and I can see he is still torn between me and the family he gave up and the relationship between this girl.  He is always confused and he tells me it often.  This is why I do feel like BPD wins.  There is no resolution, no finite closure, there is always this confusion and therefore BPD wins over my life.  It wins over my life, because I also know my daughter has BPD as well.  

Changing - I feel the same thing. In my case I think i am constantly seeking validation if he REALLY had NPD/BPD because on researching for answers to why he dumped out of the blue, when he loved me like crazy, he persuaded me to take him to my family, and we were going to work on our issues before we got married, and all the inbetween abuses, pull-push - 'I' came to a conclusion that he is suffering NPD and bit of BPD. And i am looking for validation (from experts or someone) that my conclusion IS correct. I keep doubting my perceptions at times. At times i wonder if he 'learnt' may be I pushed him to dump me - i was responsible for the breakup. And HE is not an abusive person, perhaps the Long distance, his insecurity (as i was most of my friends are guys) and my 'party' carefree life were the reason his uncontrollable anger turned ugly. Perhaps, he learnt his lessons which he wouldn't never repeat and he chose an arranged marriage so he can keep his parents happy and also THEY share same interests, same culture and she is highly qualified person in her profession. So he will keep her happy always so she does not leave him - especially when he FINALLY got a wife (his dream).

I understand how it feels when noone understands you are going through and how they think 'we' are weak (compared to other people incl. our ex after the breakup).   to you... . I am with you.

[crystalclear]

One door closes... . another opens... . don't just walk through the door to survive... . do not waste a minute of living... . its a gift.  There are good/selfless/loving/caring people out there... . I was married to one of them for 32 years!

Please take care of YOURSELF... . if you like to work out there is nothing like endorphins to make you feel good.  Re-kindle a passion you may have had but kind of dropped it because of work, relationship etc.  I started playing guitar after a 30 year hiatus.  Focus on you... . you will have bad days... . hell, I still do but I have learned to roll with that emotion.  I seem to feel stronger after I get to the other side.  Trust me... . it does get better... . you have the power and control!

Old Navy saying... . Wishing you Fair winds... . following seas... . God's speed!

Flynavy - Thank you so much for sharing your experience and you're right i need to take MORE care of myself. It's just that fighting this feeling and working all alone by myself is very difficult. But this board and the support i derive here is greatly helpful.

I am sorry to know about your wife/best friend, and also for the painful r/s you had after that. At the same time i am inspired by your strength and positive outlook you have after everything.

Hi Crystalclear 

  I wanted to pass on that the new gal will pay for this vacation later on will thousands of tears.  Nothing comes easy in a dysfunctional r/s.  It might look like happy on the outside but we all know it's a different story behind closed doors eventually.  They can only keep up the facade for so long.

Do you live at home with family?

I like your writing style, you have a knack.

Rosetiger -   I live with my family now.I lived by myself for couple of year before i spend all my saving just to travel 20000 miles to meet my exbf, and i went broke to even pay off my rents.

Today all my salary goes into contributing towards my parents, repay the loan i have and repay my exbf the money i borrowed on him insisting me when we were in the r/s, which he would never take from me even though i told him to provide me his bank a/c details so i could start repaying him (never like keeping debts to anyone) but he always dodged the topic by saying he will send the bank details the following month - he never sent though. The day he found the new girl he emailed me his bank a/c details.

At home my parents do not understand what i am going through neither do my friends. Believe me i am literally pushing myself to get out of bed each day to go to work so i could repay him and provide the remaining to my family.

[crystalclear]

I don't think he's doing fantastic either. I can't see anyone moving on and getting hitched so soon after a relationship as thinking straight. I mean, regardless of how your relationship was with your ex there will be residual feelings. And those who want to escape those feelings sometimes go head on into new relationships to fill a void. Whether it be feelings for you or feelings of unhappiness in themselves.

 danley

I believe the same too. The society/culture that influences the outlook is so twisted that our parents /friends tell us that after a breakup you simply move on ASAP. And it is NORMAL to get married (arranged particularly) quickly after a breakup. One must MOVE ON and forget the EX. And if you don't you are WEAK, you are foolish if you wait around till YOU think you are ready, by when all the GOOD guys would be taken and you will then inevitable have to live alone the rest of your life. There is nothing like LOVE, it's all attraction. Everything fades away in time - so just pick someone SUITABLE (to one's family culture & status) and get married, you will eventually fall in LOVE with that person.

My exbf put me on the pedestal, said i was 'his mate for life'. 'I love you and have no 2 thoughts of spending the rest of my life with you. Period'. Our families met, we were to get married this year (he was always in a hurry) but i called it off after an ugly night involving verbal & physical abuse (not the first time).

After 1.5 years of the LDR, when we decided to work on issues (he never even tried) before we get married, he dumped me saying he does not think LOVE is imoportant in marriage. Things like 'Compatibility' and 'Trust' are of prime importance. My question is;

1. If love is not important to you, then what were you doing with me?

2. If 'Compatibility' and 'Trust' are prime - how is it that he got engaged to a girl he met a month ago and married 3 months after that. Does trust and compatibility with a complete stranger develop perfectly within 4 months? (He knew me for 16 months when he decided he does not trust me, and we were incompatible, all of a sudden?)

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

I understand exactly what you are saying and empathise with what you must be feeling. I too, am walking around in a fog, in and out of tears, (songs on the radio, reminders, remembering his smell, cuddling him, being close and having good times with him, wondering who he is chasing now, if he wasn't already! Feeling scared, lonely, pathetic and miserable.

I remember the bad times too, but that intense longing doesn't go away.

Blaming myself for getting angry and defending my own rights and boundaries, feeling all the responsibility that it didn't work out because I'm not good enough, that any other woman would do better than me, (he used to use finding another better woman as a threat).

Wondering how he could just cut me off and block me out, if he always said he didn't want to lose me. Feeling stupid for being so dumb for so long, my part in the dysfunction, the eternal wishing and hoping that one day he would have rung me and I would have finally known he had meant not to hurt me, and would make maximum effort to never do that again.

Like others have posted, yes, I too have had other great loves, but none hurt with this intensity ever. I have not felt this way about someone for a very long time, and I swore I never would again even then. I never actually met any other man for well over 13 years that got to me like ex BP did, and that love was almost the end of me.

Then I look back again over my thing with BP, and I recall the signs were always there, though his words didn't match. I lived in constant doubt as to whether he really did love me or not, his actions said different.

And then there was that 'instinct', it was telling me that he did not feel the same way as I did, that his heart wasn't true like mine, and to run away as fast as I could.

I remember comments that BP would often make when he was being snarly and nasty and cold, things like, 'I won't be crying into my Weetbix if it doesn't work out between us you know' or, 'I'm not some desperate loser who can't find someone else you know', (as if I had said he was!).

'I have needs', 'I've got lots of friends and people who like me too you know', (which then would change to) 'I don't have any friends, just sit by myself all the time'.

I never really knew who he really was, what he was really doing, or where he was. And I wonder if when he split himself,  he even remembered, (scary thought if I followed that intuition).

He would always tell me he was such a straight up honest person, and always had been, had never cheated on any of his past girlfriends, and never would, because he just wasn't like that.

Then, he would say the most evil things, or steal, and I would wonder how he lived with himself. Like he had no empathy.

When I had been friends with him at first, and then we later became involved, he wanted both of us to have STD tests, so we were in the clear to have a sexual relationship. I was very impressed about that.

The sad thing was, he wanted me to go to a hospital in the touristy city he would later hang out in every week, and likely had been for some time. After our tests were done, he came out of the hospital, jumped in the car, and made jokes about what the female nurse said about his penis. The fact that he repeated the joke several times after that, really wasn't necessary. Especially when he acted like such a prude where I was concerned, like one set of rules for how he acted, and one for me.

I was quite hurt that he did that. The bigger shock, was that he later admitted that the nurse he saw, was someone he had had a casual affair with for several weeks once.

I thought it bizarre that he would take me there, knowing she worked there, it was almost like he was bragging to her, that he had a new girlfriend. I felt that was really bad taste, going in to an intimate test, with an ex-lover as your nurse, and your new lover sitting waiting on you just outside the door.

Today, I did as much around my house as I could, after working most of the morning. I thought about getting all my shifts done today, (although it is a very long day of all physical work if I do!), but opted to do one of them tomorrow, figuring, what does it matter if I don't get it all done today, I don't have a life outside of work, so why bother about having a day off for the week.

I tried not to think about him, and for moments now and then, I didn't. Once a realisation came to me, and that was, 'you would never be able to trust this man' you never were able to, and at least you won't have to spend your life in constant anxiety that he is cheating or using hard drugs.

That helped me to feel better for the rest of the afternoon!

[changingme]

So he will keep her happy always so she does not leave him

Crystalclear,

This is an idea I haven't thought of yet.  My ex tells me often he knows I am the most trustful and loyal woman/person he has ever know. He also says he knows no one will love him as much as I did.  I have known of his girlfriend to do some messed up things, that I know if I came even remotely close to doing he wouldn't speak to me ever again or look at me the same ever again, yet he goes right back to the gf.  It does almost seem he will try to make it work, no matter what, maybe to avoid what happened to him and us all over again.  It seems it is almost easier for him to stay with her even though I think sometimes deep down he knows I'm the better fit and because of BPD he just can't make me fit.   :'(

I think if you have done your research and you are here on these boards then your hunch is correct about him. It is extremely hard to get that validation that you are looking for.  I am fueling on the fact I validated my own suspicions that something was wrong for so long. I am learning to accept that the validation is only within me and here.  

[IamDevastated]

For what it is worth let me chime in with my two cents: I also don´t think your ex is doing all that great. However he is doing I pity his new wife. Maybe they are in the honeymoon phase now but when that ends... . man oh man... . just count yourself lucky and blessed that you didn´t "make it" to marrying this person... . his new wife is in for hell to come... . trust me.

My own exBPD is diagnosed BPD. She has been in therapy for 9 months. I was the one who told her she was BPD and got her in therapy. She has used and abused me in ways that cannot be described in words. When she finally started her therapy I thought things would get better. I was WRONG. They got worse. Much worse. She has repeatedly used the therapy as an excuse to split me black and for the past 6 months we have had minimal contact - sans one crazy recycle a few months ago where we had sex and she promised me to move in together and blah blah. Then she wanted to quit therapy. I talked her back into staying and finally she agreed. The thanks I got? Now it´s back to: I have my therapy... . ___ out of my life... . leave me alone... . I never loved you... . I only LIED about this because I was feeling bad and needed a little love (verbatim words).

Yes, I realize now that the ONLY reason for her recycle was that she had split the therapy black and was recycling me back as the white knight. The second I had persuaded her to stay in therapy I was split black again and the therapy white. Sad... . just sad. The very thing I hoped would help her get better and make it better between me and her she uses to push me away.

My point is this, crystalclear: My exBPD is a diagnosed "self-aware" borderline... . She has been in therapy for almost a year now. And she has not changed one bit. Only gotten meaner and more manipulative. Of course I have the same fears as you do: I fear that she will somehow magically get better with therapy and get the perfect life. And then I will stand there like the ultimate clown who gave her all the keys only to get the worst kind of betrayal and abuse as a "thanks".

But I doubt she will change. The latest thing she did to me about recycling me and then lying about rekindling our relationship and moving in together... . well, that was after 8 months of therapy... . alot of therapy... . but she still used me, lied about the greatest and most important thing in the universe - love... . she betrayed me in the worst of worst ways... . the therapy obviously insn´t changing her one bit... . how do you like that? She will never change... . and your ex won´t change either. This new woman is he with... . pity the poor creature... . she does not know what awaits her.

My exBPD tells me how she is using all of her new ways with people in her life. How nice she is to them and how she communicates instead of splitting blah blah. But she still splits me black, takes swipes at my self esteem and abuses me and hurts me non stop. So I doubt very very much that I am the only one getting this special "honour"... . I can only imagine what the other people close to her are going through... . yikes... . she is manipulating and cunning enough that I am sure she is only saying those things to me to hurt me and make me feel even more hit*ty about myself thinking how worthless I must be to be getting all the venom when these other people are getting all her love and sugar... . but I know better... . there is no love or sugar in her... . only hate and wrath.

We have to cut the cord completely, crystal. I am working very hard on this at the moment. Trying to meet new people and do good things for myself. People like this shall never never ever abuse us or use our love or trust again.

Ever.

[crystalclear]

figuring, what does it matter if I don't get it all done today, I don't have a life outside of work, so why bother about having a day off for the week.

rollercoaster -   to you. I really hope this pain subsides and strenght and love for ourselves double so we could do other things apart from work. All i have been doing is 'work' and more of 'work' to keep me occupied so my head doesn't wander. Unfortunately, he is ALWAYS on my mind... .