got replaced in a day

[Simona]

Hello everyone,

As some of you know two weeks ago I escaped from my abusive undiagnosed BPD husband. The phase before escape was confusing and painful, I managed to stay sane by reading forums here and trying to detach myself from his delusions as muc as I could.

The day I left him was so hard but I managed to do it. He jumped back to dating pool NEXT day. Declared from fb that he is single again, added some new girls and so on and on. Now prolly dating with one of them, I do my best to not stalk him online and o far so good.

I was expecting this as I read many similar case from here.but I must admit it still sucks. I am furious, full of anger and I resist the urge to write to him. I had been so lucky and in a week I found a job in abroad, now living in a Greek island and doing my dream job. Meeting new people everyday and overall in much better shape but inside feeeling broken and hurt. I cry so little though, mostly I am angry of all the hell he put through.

So here is me, ofcourse I am grateful that my torment has ended and am free noo but my heart is badly broken and I am angry that I am now had to deal with these feelings, instead of being happy that finally I am chasing my dreams. That feels unfair.

[Rose Tiger]

It is very difficult to accept that they are incapable of caring about a partner in a healthy way.  The disordered mind doesn't consider the feelings of others, they are only concerned with themselves.  His lack of concern for you is no reflection of you, it's not personal.  He can't do it.  It hurts really bad to have someone we love not be able to return that love.  It's torture when we try to be loving to get love in return.  It's crazy making.

We all hooked up with people that couldn't love us back.  It does take a while for our own loving feelings and our concern for them to lessen and to finally go away.  We can't turn it off like a switch.  I found it best to not fight it, I accept he is a very broken person but I didn't cause his illness, I can't fix it and I need to keep myself safe from being hurt anymore.  That includes not looking at his profile.

I imagine the Greek Islands are very beautiful.  I hope you are enjoying all the sites.    Sounds fantastic!

[bpdspell]

As some of you know two weeks ago I escaped from my abusive undiagnosed BPD husband. The phase before escape was confusing and painful, I managed to stay sane by reading forums here and trying to detach myself from his delusions as muc as I could.

The day I left him was so hard but I managed to do it. He jumped back to dating pool NEXT day. Declared from fb that he is single again, added some new girls and so on and on. Now prolly dating with one of them, I do my best to not stalk him online and o far so good.

Simona,

Congrats on breaking free! Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy and you need to give yourself credit for having the strength to choose yourself. It needs to be honored and validated because it's a tough thing to sometimes make ourselves a priority.

As for your ex jumping into the dating pool... . that's to be expected. BPD is an attachment disorder fueled by fear of abandonment and engulfment. Getting someone, anyone... . is how they relieve their anxieties... . but they are truly miserable and tortured souls and finding a replacement will never fix that. It hurts us to feel so replaceable but our worth does not live with them; it lives in us.

It will take time to further process the toxic dance that you were a part of but give yourself lots of love, patience, kindness, forgiveness and validation. Healing from these relationships is a journey. In the meantime focus on your tremendous blessing of having a dream job that you love! Focusing on giving yourself TLC and treating yourself well by doing the things you love. Things you probably could never do while with your ex husband.

Instead of saying you "got replaced" let's change the language in that because it gives them way too much power. Instead replace those words with "I took my freedom back" or "I'm worthy of healthy love"... . or "I love me more than I love abuse"... .

Practice shifting your language... . it will help to put things into an empowering perspective.

Spell

[Simona]

@Rose Tiger:

You are right, it was really hard to see that, never mind that he already showed it many many ways before I left him. I contacted with his family to start legal divorce issue, I want to be free even in his country and I think I will be able to get my freedom. Even his own brother and mother are supporting me and they will cooperate with me to get my all legal rights back from him. We will see ofcourse, I have very little trust.

BPDspell: Wow! Never realized how strong shift may happen by just changing words, thank you! I now look at the things from another point, I feel happy of every night I go to my bed without any abuse, every day passing by with no drama, I enjoy my moments more and more as days pass by.

I try to meditate and focus on the daily life here, trying to learn the language and spend quality time with myself. Many simple things which were impossible when I was with him as you said... .

Thanks to both x

[causticdork]

Congrats, both on your escape and on what sounds like a pretty fantastic new life.   I like to think of the BPD exes as children who lack Object Permanence.  When we're not in the same room as them it's like we cease to exist.  Not in the sense that they don't think of us at all, but they can shut off every feeling they have and love someone new before we even have all our bags packed, even though the day before they truly believed they loved us more than anything in the world. 

Don't take it personally. Almost all of us went through a similar sting from being replaced so quickly.  It makes the whole relationship feel like a lie when they move on so quickly, but the truth is that they did love us as much as they were capable of loving, but they can't hold on to that love when we're not there giving them attention and feeding their egos.