How did you know you did all you can do?

[Mike76]

Is it time to leave... .   I have spent most of my time on the staying board but am so tired.

I have been married to my uBPDw for just over 5 years... . and we have no kids .

The is in T for herself, and we are in MC.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Mike, This is an interesting question to me because, in my experience, no matter what I did , it was "never enough" for my uBPDexW, which seems a common scenario on this board.  So, I guess "doing all you can do" is sort of a mirage, because you will never hit that mark in terms of your BPDw's expectations.  You, on the other hand, can decide when you've done all you can.  Most of us on this board probably have gone to the other extreme, by doing way more that could reasonably be expected in the hopes of salvaging our r/s with a pwBPD, to no avail.  That you ask the question indicates to me that you are reaching the exhaustion point, so take good care and think about what is right for you.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[laelle]

When you feel you have had no more to give for a while and you still kept giving anyway... .

For me, the bitterness and resentment had built up to a point where I didnt care to try anymore.  I wanted my life back.  I wanted the madness to end.

You say your wife is in therapy, and you have been on the staying board, do you feel that its been helping your communication?  Do you see progress?

What has happened that has you so raw and drained? 

[papawapa]

When I came to the realization that only she can help herself was when I realized I had done all I can do.

[xenia]

Hi Mike, This is an interesting question to me because, in my experience, no matter what I did , it was "never enough" for my uBPDexW, which seems a common scenario on this board.  So, I guess "doing all you can do" is sort of a mirage, because you will never hit that mark in terms of your BPDw's expectations.  You, on the other hand, can decide when you've done all you can. 

Agree 100%. I had a feeling my friendship with my suspected BPD friend would come to an end when I became less available. We'd keep in contact through social media and a year or two ago I decided to stop being so active on social media because I wanted more meaningful connections with people (not necessarily with just her). We communicated A LOT on social media so I knew this would become an issue, but I tried to do my best to show that I was still available even though the channels to reach me had become fewer. She never communicated what she wanted, but she'd make general statements about wanting people to call more instead of text because it's more personal. She started giving me the silent treatment when I text her, so I went no contact for a while before sending an e-mail whose purpose was to give me closure (didn't care if she responded or not). She responded and we were in contact briefly before she started the silent treatment again. I went "no contact" again for a couple of months before I made one last effort to get in touch. I was going to be in her city and I called her to see if she wanted to meet up. She didn't answer or phone me back. The week I was in her city I called again to let her know I was there. Still nothing. That was the last time I tried to contact her. It was then that I realized nothing I did would work. I texted; she ignored. I e-mailed; she ignored. I called; she ignored. I tried to meet IN PERSON and she ignored. The goal posts were always changing. It hurt, but it showed me that *I* wasn't the problem.

[xenia]

but it showed me that *I* wasn't the problem.

Sorry I want to clarify. I definitely have a problem LOL (I identify with the "Lonely Child" schema). What I meant is, it showed me that I could do everything "right" and would still be wrong.

[thisyoungdad]

I ask myself this question often, in fact just today. We are legally separated and have a young child with divorce maybe or maybe not on the horizon. Emotionally though as someone else said, I am so drained I have nothing left. I am sad by that, and in that acknowledgement I realize that I tried everything and then some and that nothing would ever be enough for her. Therefore, given she is not trying or very little, that I can not go on being the only one rowing the boat so to speak. Either we both do or it doesn't work. I am emotionally done also because the stress, anxiety, madness and craziness is effecting my health. I am putting the brakes on that but I recently turned 30 and have more gray hair than I want, and I can see how in the last year I have aged a lot. I still look very young but I can see it. The physical and emotional toll is too much. I love her but it is increasingly hard to see that between all the hurt and pain. Only you know how much you can take and I do think you will know. I can say for myself I remember the moment that I knew, I remember taking a big heavy sigh because something else had happened and my shoulders dropped and I felt as defeated and exhausted as ever in my life and I just knew in that moment that I was done.

[Validation78]

Hi Mike!

The answer to this question of course will vary from person to person. There is no formula to make that decision, just know, it's one that every member struggles with for a variety of reasons.

I knew very soon into the marriage that something was wrong. We were in therapy within 3 months, and things got progressively worse. It took me 2 years to figure out that BPD was the problem. At that point, I put a time limit on things. I knew that the prospects were grim. I decided to formulate a game plan. I would give it 1 year. I would do all the work. Coming here, learning the tools, applying them. 1 year passed, things got worse as I set boundaries and changed the rules. We had a TS, and I asked that we do DBT, or not continue in the marriage. Things got better, he moved back in, and they went down hill shortly thereafter. I continued to work the tools, and one night, during a rage, instead of leaving as we are taught to do, I told him to leave. I knew on the spur of that moment I did everything possible. I cared more than he did, and it was obvious that this was not good enough for me. The only path for me was out, and I was ready for it with a clear conscience!

You'll know when you've reached your limit. It has a lot to do with knowing what you want from your life, and how you are going to get it. Ask yourself some tough questions, and be prepared to make some tough choices. The payoff is knowing you are taking care of yourself!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[MarcinN7]

When the last time we met for a one day recycle we got in a fight as usual.

When it escalated badly she screamed.

But it was no ordinar scream.

Like a banshee.

It was like you would magnify all possible emotions a thousand time and put them into a blender and then let it all out.

Anger shame, guilt, love, hate everything flowed out.

I was terrified of that scream.

"Its not normal" was what i thought. I knew then that i could not help her and there is no hope for a normal RS (she was in therapy more then half a year). I backed down, wanted to just stop and asked her to leave the house. Of course she didnt want to go but that is another story.

Then i remembered.

I heard it twice before, not as intense but then i didnt understand the meaning of this. At the start of our relationship when in a joke i put a pillow over her head - childhood trauma of abuse surfaced, also loss of control. This joke was off limits.

And when the second time i was in her room i tried to look behind the bed and she didnt want me to because she was hiding something. When i tried to peek she screamed.

[mcc503764]

I ask myself this question often, in fact just today. We are legally separated and have a young child with divorce maybe or maybe not on the horizon. Emotionally though as someone else said, I am so drained I have nothing left. I am sad by that, and in that acknowledgement I realize that I tried everything and then some and that nothing would ever be enough for her. Therefore, given she is not trying or very little, that I can not go on being the only one rowing the boat so to speak. Either we both do or it doesn't work. I am emotionally done also because the stress, anxiety, madness and craziness is effecting my health. I am putting the brakes on that but I recently turned 30 and have more gray hair than I want, and I can see how in the last year I have aged a lot. I still look very young but I can see it. The physical and emotional toll is too much. I love her but it is increasingly hard to see that between all the hurt and pain. Only you know how much you can take and I do think you will know. I can say for myself I remember the moment that I knew, I remember taking a big heavy sigh because something else had happened and my shoulders dropped and I felt as defeated and exhausted as ever in my life and I just knew in that moment that I was done.

Unfortunately this rings such a bell with me!  I have MS (multiple sclerosis,) and stress has a huge impact on MY health!  In late Feb of this year, I had an exacerbation which put me in the hospital for 5 days on IV steroids.  I had just come off another recycle with my x earlier in the month, so I can only deduce that the stress was the major contributor to my health!  I guess sadly, that was when I knew... .

I came to the realization, that I had been neglecting MYSELF for the years that I have known her.  Everything in MY life was simply about her.  I had given up everything for her.

Does this make me resentful?  Of course it does.  She didn't respect me one bit.  I feel into the trap that if I "just try harder" some light bulb will come on in her head and everything will be "ok."  She thought the "push / pull" was "fun," and that "guys loved it?"  No, she was a b**ch... . Plain and simple!   

BPD, NPD,... . ABC, 123... . WHO CARES?  I know what I went through!  It feels freeing to have that monkey off my back!  I am slowly returning to the person that I am, and I guess that moment when you realize that you don't deserve this, get emotionally / physically / mentally exhausted is when you have a decision to make about YOU!

Everybody has a different tolerance... .   I still find myself bargaining with myself, but I guess I am slowly coming to the point where the mind is overpowering the heart!

One day at a time I guess?

MCC

[pari]

You will know it after BPD partner makes you feel like a super hero and then make you feel like

-You feel like you can't do anything right, can't say anything right

- You are blamed for everything that goes wrong.

- You are dull and depressed most of the time.

- Not matter how much you try, things don't improve

- You might want to end their life in acute depression as an escape (this happened with me)

And then there is a realization that it's not your fault, may be things are not under your control.