Still seems like a bad dream since I filed. Who is she now?

[cal644]

It's been 7 months since I finally filed after finding my wife had painted me black and was having an EA after 19 years of marriage.  It still seems like a bad dream.  Who has she become? This woman I knew and loved who was shy, beautiful, antisocial, sweet, inncoent, has turned into someone I would never in a million years would recognize - mean, spiteful, hateful, unloving, uncaring, now hanging out with "new friends" and is turning away from her kids activities and putting her new life in front of them.  She has disowned all of our friends, my family, our church, heck - anything that has to do with me.  She is now living with her sister who she hated for her whole life.  Who is she? Can this really be happening? How she can throw away everything that she once held dear (or maybe things I held dear and she mirrored) - we were best friends, the "perfect couple" and now she is - well I don't know who she is - actually she is the person she always said she dispised.  I know BPD is a serious illness - but when it comes out of no where it just kills all those who once loved the person with BPD - and they move on, with no worries, no cares, no feelings of what was once special, they just pic up and run - just like she has ran from her past her whole life.  Sorry to rant - but just finished the finalized divorce stuff today and it hit me hard.  Now just waiting for the final day of the divorce.

[mango_flower]

It's unbelievable, isn't it?

Makes you wonder if they ALWAYS had that side, and just hid it, or if they just somehow, crazily, changed.  It shatters every belief you held, every truth you thought you knew, makes you doubt yourself and think you're going crazy! (you're not).

19 years... . wow. 

You're taking little steps forward, and soon the official stuff will be sorted... . then you can focus on the "grieving" bit.

Hang in there x

[cal644]

yea - 19 years and it floors me.  My theropist says it shows how good and patient guy I am that it lasted that many years.  Problem is that I always put her needs, wants, feelings, pretty much everything in front of mine.  This last year when all of a sudden I would actually put my opionion out there or my needs and wants that's when I got turned black.  I think the biggest complement that she ever gave me from the start of this whole process is that her biggest regret in life is that I married her becuase she is just a shell of a person and that I deserve someone better than her that can actually show me the love I showed her.  But since that moment it is all my fault, I'm to blame for everything, I'm the bad person, etc.  I think that's what is the hardest - I know how good I treated her, I know that I'm not the person she is saying I am, but I still can't understand how she can even think that or truely feel that way after how good I treated her for all those years.

[marbleloser]

Feelings are fact cal.That's how she does what she does, and her unstable sense of "self"? You're seeing that in the way she's changed.It doesn't make it easier for you,but now you can see the BPD traits.