Some thoughts

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I haven't posted on here in awhile... .

I have since been to 2 therapists.  The first heard my story, said "oh wow" and then said she was going to diagnose me with major depression and wanted to put me on meds.  Needless to say, I did not go back.

The second one I actually see some room for progress with.  We didnt get much farther in the first session than me laying out my story, but she left me with something to think about.  She told me that I needed to stop being so hard on myself and learn to trust my gut more.  She also left me with a quote: "let go, or be dragged."  Pretty fitting.

Also, had some thoughts of my own concerning my dBPDex.

At one point in my story, my best friend at the time ended up kissing/making out with my dBPDex ( we were in the full swing of our 9 months together, but we had "broken up" for 2 days like we had so many times before).  He never told me and I found out from her 2 months later.  Subsequently I cut that friend out.  We went from being inseparable to not doing anything together.  He had a very "poor me, I am the victim here" attitude about it and continues to.  I trusted him implicitly.  I knew that he and my BPDex hung out and that they had became friends, and I didn't see a problem with it.  I value honor, loyalty, and integrity above all else, and it threw me for a loop when it turned out he didnt have any of those things.

In processing THAT betrayal I have learned some that I think I can apply to the betrayal of my BPDex.

When my best friend did that stuff, I didn't question whether I was good enough.  I didn't wonder if I was asking too much from him; it was clear pretty immediately that I had simply chosen the wrong person for the job.  I was expecting things from a person that they were not capable of giving me.

The same can be said of my BPDex.  I was not wrong for loving her.  I was not wrong for expecting her to be faithful and true.  I was not wrong for expecting her to be honest with me.  The person I was with her, the laughing, loving, caring person, was not wrong or not good enough. 

I can look at her life, her unfortunate past, the path she has put herself on for her future, and say without a second thought that I am better off and going to go farther and be happier without her.  That doesn't mean for a second that I don't appreciate the time that I did have with her.  I loved making someone so down, someone with so little hope, feel warm.  Feel appreciated.  Feel loved and wanted.  It was a gift being able to give that to someone for the first time.

Does it hurt that this person that I loved so dearly hurt me so badly? That at each turn she was cheating on me or trying to? Absolutely.  But I also remember that nearly every night, we went to bed together, and for that time together when it was just us two behind that closed door, there was not a thing wrong in the world.  That when she would look me in the eyes and tell me that she loved me, she meant it.

Life is not fair.  Our BPD partners did not choose to have the disorder.  It is hard sometimes for us to be able to separate their behavior into reflex and intent.  We inherently take what they do to us personally, because a normal functioning person would have to be a real piece of work to do what they do.

We can't though.  It only hurts us to hate them, and it certainly does them no good.

I don't miss my BPDex anymore.  I miss loving someone.  I miss being able to be myself, to totally let my walls down and be loved for who I am, not the face that I put on.  But I know that I can find that freedom with another person.  And I have to believe that I can enjoy that freedom, that I can love that person, and that they can love me WITHOUT all of the baggage that my BPDex brought.  My heart breaks for her every day still.  But she told me something, soon after the breakup, in a rare moment of clarity.  She said,

"You have a lot going for you.  I'm proud to have had you in my life.  Now forget about me and the garbage I brought into your life and go do great things.  I was never good for you.  You are so much better of a person than I could ever dream of being, and as sad as that is, you and I both know it. So just forget it all ok.  Please.  Don't let it bring you down anymore.  Don't let it stop you from loving.  Just go be that amazing man you are ok.  Can you do that for me?"

I will do that.  For her, and more importantly for me.

She told me something at one point in our relationship.  She said that "I am just trying to be happy, day by day.  Survive."

It has always been about that.  She doesn't have the capability to see far enough into the future to make a relationship last.  She is just trying to be happy while living with all of the awful things she has in her past.  Who am I to blame her for that?

Take a second and close your eyes and just hope for peace.  Peace for their troubled souls, and peace for our troubled minds. 

My therapist ended with a pretty profound thought: she said, "It may not seem like it now, but this could be the best thing that has ever happened to you".

I think she may be right.

[Octoberfest]

I haven't posted on here in awhile... .

I have since been to 2 therapists.  The first heard my story, said "oh wow" and then said she was going to diagnose me with major depression and wanted to put me on meds.  Needless to say, I did not go back.

The second one I actually see some room for progress with.  We didnt get much farther in the first session than me laying out my story, but she left me with something to think about.  She told me that I needed to stop being so hard on myself and learn to trust my gut more.  She also left me with a quote: "let go, or be dragged."  Pretty fitting.

Also, had some thoughts of my own concerning my dBPDex.

At one point in my story, my best friend at the time ended up kissing/making out with my dBPDex ( we were in the full swing of our 9 months together, but we had "broken up" for 2 days like we had so many times before).  He never told me and I found out from her 2 months later.  Subsequently I cut that friend out.  We went from being inseparable to not doing anything together.  He had a very "poor me, I am the victim here" attitude about it and continues to.  I trusted him implicitly.  I knew that he and my BPDex hung out and that they had became friends, and I didn't see a problem with it.  I value honor, loyalty, and integrity above all else, and it threw me for a loop when it turned out he didnt have any of those things.

In processing THAT betrayal I have learned some that I think I can apply to the betrayal of my BPDex.

When my best friend did that stuff, I didn't question whether I was good enough.  I didn't wonder if I was asking too much from him; it was clear pretty immediately that I had simply chosen the wrong person for the job.  I was expecting things from a person that they were not capable of giving me.

The same can be said of my BPDex.  I was not wrong for loving her.  I was not wrong for expecting her to be faithful and true.  I was not wrong for expecting her to be honest with me.  The person I was with her, the laughing, loving, caring person, was not wrong or not good enough. 

I can look at her life, her unfortunate past, the path she has put herself on for her future, and say without a second thought that I am better off and going to go farther and be happier without her.  That doesn't mean for a second that I don't appreciate the time that I did have with her.  I loved making someone so down, someone with so little hope, feel warm.  Feel appreciated.  Feel loved and wanted.  It was a gift being able to give that to someone for the first time.

Does it hurt that this person that I loved so dearly hurt me so badly? That at each turn she was cheating on me or trying to? Absolutely.  But I also remember that nearly every night, we went to bed together, and for that time together when it was just us two behind that closed door, there was not a thing wrong in the world.  That when she would look me in the eyes and tell me that she loved me, she meant it.

Life is not fair.  Our BPD partners did not choose to have the disorder.  It is hard sometimes for us to be able to separate their behavior into reflex and intent.  We inherently take what they do to us personally, because a normal functioning person would have to be a real piece of work to do what they do.

We can't though.  It only hurts us to hate them, and it certainly does them no good.

I don't miss my BPDex anymore.  I miss loving someone.  I miss being able to be myself, to totally let my walls down and be loved for who I am, not the face that I put on.  But I know that I can find that freedom with another person.  And I have to believe that I can enjoy that freedom, that I can love that person, and that they can love me WITHOUT all of the baggage that my BPDex brought.  My heart breaks for her every day still.  But she told me something, soon after the breakup, in a rare moment of clarity.  She said,

"You have a lot going for you.  I'm proud to have had you in my life.  Now forget about me and the garbage I brought into your life and go do great things.  I was never good for you.  You are so much better of a person than I could ever dream of being, and as sad as that is, you and I both know it. So just forget it all ok.  Please.  Don't let it bring you down anymore.  Don't let it stop you from loving.  Just go be that amazing man you are ok.  Can you do that for me?"

I will do that.  For her, and more importantly for me.

She told me something at one point in our relationship.  She said that "I am just trying to be happy, day by day.  Survive."

It has always been about that.  She doesn't have the capability to see far enough into the future to make a relationship last.  She is just trying to be happy while living with all of the awful things she has in her past.  Who am I to blame her for that?

Take a second and close your eyes and just hope for peace.  Peace for their troubled souls, and peace for our troubled minds. 

My therapist ended with a pretty profound thought: she said, "It may not seem like it now, but this could be the best thing that has ever happened to you".

I think she may be right.

[mango_flower]

Wow - that was beautifully written!  What an insight... .

I loved the analogy of comparing your best friend's actions to hers - that made so much sense to me.

I think for me, I'm too close psychologically still, and too emotionally invested (even though she's gone from my life) to start looking too much at the good stuff. I guess I'm not out of the FOG 100% just yet.  There's a danger that if I start thinking too deeply about her pain, that I'll fall back into rescuer thoughts.

But I shall re-visit this post when I have had more space, I think this will be the final step I need to do.

Thank you for sharing your insights 

[babyducks]

Octoberfest,

I loved the let go or be dragged. 

I know I am going to find myself using that one in the next few days.

Thank you for sharing.

babyducks

[pari]

That when she would look me in the eyes and tell me that she loved me, she meant it.

Yes! Yes! Yes! I could see all the love for me in his eyes. He was so into me. So much love

Life is not fair.  Our BPD partners did not choose to have the disorder.  It is hard sometimes for us to be able to separate their behavior into reflex and intent.  We inherently take what they do to us personally, because a normal functioning person would have to be a real piece of work to do what they do.

We can't though.  It only hurts us to hate them, and it certainly does them no good.

This is so true. I believed that for a long time and tried to make things work. But it didn't do good to anyone.

She said,

"You have a lot going for you.  I'm proud to have had you in my life.  Now forget about me and the garbage I brought into your life and go do great things.  I was never good for you.  You are so much better of a person than I could ever dream of being, and as sad as that is, you and I both know it. So just forget it all ok.  Please.  Don't let it bring you down anymore.  Don't let it stop you from loving.  Just go be that amazing man you are ok.  Can you do that for me?"

I will do that.  For her, and more importantly for me.

She told me something at one point in our relationship.  She said that "I am just trying to be happy, day by day.  Survive."

My exBPDbf used to tell me the exact same thing. He would often say

"You are awesome, do you know that?"

"I love you tremendously. You are incredibly special... . a magical person. Don't ever doubt that"

"I want you to shine."

"I am not healthy for you. You deserve much better in life. I am pure evil. Stay away from me" (in the moment of rage)

"I don't want to argue. I just want to be happy."

Oh my god, I am in tears writing all of this. Why are these feelings so strong?

[Octoberfest]

That when she would look me in the eyes and tell me that she loved me, she meant it.

Yes! Yes! Yes! I could see all the love for me in his eyes. He was so into me. So much love

Life is not fair.  Our BPD partners did not choose to have the disorder.  It is hard sometimes for us to be able to separate their behavior into reflex and intent.  We inherently take what they do to us personally, because a normal functioning person would have to be a real piece of work to do what they do.

We can't though.  It only hurts us to hate them, and it certainly does them no good.

This is so true. I believed that for a long time and tried to make things work. But it didn't do good to anyone.

She said,

"You have a lot going for you.  I'm proud to have had you in my life.  Now forget about me and the garbage I brought into your life and go do great things.  I was never good for you.  You are so much better of a person than I could ever dream of being, and as sad as that is, you and I both know it. So just forget it all ok.  Please.  Don't let it bring you down anymore.  Don't let it stop you from loving.  Just go be that amazing man you are ok.  Can you do that for me?"

I will do that.  For her, and more importantly for me.

She told me something at one point in our relationship.  She said that "I am just trying to be happy, day by day.  Survive."

My exBPDbf used to tell me the exact same thing. He would often say

"You are awesome, do you know that?"

"I love you tremendously. You are incredibly special... . a magical person. Don't ever doubt that"

"I want you to shine."

"I am not healthy for you. You deserve much better in life. I am pure evil. Stay away from me" (in the moment of rage)

"I don't want to argue. I just want to be happy."

Oh my god, I am in tears writing all of this. Why are these feelings so strong?

Because we genuinely loved these people. With all of our hearts. For me a big piece of it is that I tried to be her rescuer, and because it is impossible, I still feel as though I have failed in it.  We can logically know how hopeless it is, how nothing we could have done would have made it work, but that doesn't mean we will not grieve the loss of a loved one.

[Ahhhh431]

My ex would often say "you deserve someone better than me" and truthfully I knew I did deserve someone to treat me better than she did... . but I didn't want someone else to treat me better I just wanted her to treat me better. To treat me with love and respect that someone does in a normal relationship.  When they say those things like "you deserve better than me" do they mean it or is that just a way for them to get rid of the relationship? (She would always say that before breaking up with me... . only to come back the next day)

[Octoberfest]

My ex would often say "you deserve someone better than me" and truthfully I knew I did deserve someone to treat me better than she did... . but I didn't want someone else to treat me better I just wanted her to treat me better. To treat me with love and respect that someone does in a normal relationship.  When they say those things like "you deserve better than me" do they mean it or is that just a way for them to get rid of the relationship? (She would always say that before breaking up with me... . only to come back the next day)

Two perspectives:

1)

I said the same to my BPDex during the first 2.5 months when I was breaking up with her every 5 days or so.  I DID use it as a crutch for the fact that I was wigged out by the idea of being in a relationship, but it was true too; she deserved (just because she was a human being) someone who wasn't going to put her on the emotional roller coaster of being there one day and gone the next.

2)

After we broke up ( for the final time, here in the past 2 months), she told me she loved me and wanted me back.  10 days later I hear she has gotten a dog with the new guy and they are planning on moving in together ( after knowing each other for less than 1.5 months).  I honestly do believe that she meant it when she said I was better off without her.  She had a rare moment of clarity, when whatever need or desire she was having that very moment didn't dictate her behavior or thoughts. 

I believe she loved me.  I also believe that she knows deep down that she has some serious issues, has been through hell, and that her behavior was only hurting me.

[Ahhhh431]

My ex would often say "you deserve someone better than me" and truthfully I knew I did deserve someone to treat me better than she did... . but I didn't want someone else to treat me better I just wanted her to treat me better. To treat me with love and respect that someone does in a normal relationship.  When they say those things like "you deserve better than me" do they mean it or is that just a way for them to get rid of the relationship? (She would always say that before breaking up with me... . only to come back the next day)

She had a rare moment of clarity, when whatever need or desire she was having that very moment didn't dictate her behavior or thoughts. 

I know what you mean when your talking about the "rare moment of clarity" -- when confronted with her behavior she was usually in huge amounts of denial but for a split second she would breakthrough and aay something like "I know I need help, I just want to have a normal relationship and be a normal person" -- it seems these moments of clarity she had made me want to help her that much more -- almost a glimmer of hope.

[Octoberfest]

My ex would often say "you deserve someone better than me" and truthfully I knew I did deserve someone to treat me better than she did... . but I didn't want someone else to treat me better I just wanted her to treat me better. To treat me with love and respect that someone does in a normal relationship.  When they say those things like "you deserve better than me" do they mean it or is that just a way for them to get rid of the relationship? (She would always say that before breaking up with me... . only to come back the next day)

She had a rare moment of clarity, when whatever need or desire she was having that very moment didn't dictate her behavior or thoughts.  

Yes- it is tantalizing. We can be faced with 98% of the evidence saying they are playing us for fools, lying, cheating, or otherwise doing harm to us.  But if 2% of the evidence gives us hope, that is enough (when you truly love someone) to keep believing and to keep the illusion alive.

We are not wrong for trying so hard to salvage a relationship or save these people; compassion surely is not a fault.  They may be misguided attempts, but they are noble ones.

I know what you mean when your talking about the "rare moment of clarity" -- when confronted with her behavior she was usually in huge amounts of denial but for a split second she would breakthrough and aay something like "I know I need help, I just want to have a normal relationship and be a normal person" -- it seems these moments of clarity she had made me want to help her that much more -- almost a glimmer of hope.