nightmares-and constantly on my mind

[tomjon78]

I´ve been posting here and I had NC for over two weeks. Then she started texting me and trying to contact me and showing outside my house calling my name and ringing the doorbell but I didn´t answer. I had an panic attack when I saw her outside my window.

Since then I´ve realized of course NC is the way to heal. But why the constant stream of memories and nightmares. I´ve been having dreams she´s inside my apartment, ringing me, sexual dreams etc.

I am just so tired. So tired of not being happy, so tired that 18 months of contact with this woman has got me to this place. The only thing keeping me sane are my children from my former marriage and I even have some suicidal thoughts, but I would never do that. Just so tired of this pain. I miss her, hate her, blame myself. I´m angry for the money she owes me.

How can these feelings stop? I just wish it was possible to talk to her and sort things out.

The worst thing is that I can´t seem to get the good and bad memories out of my head. They both hurt so bad, these feelings. Is this some kind of post dramatic stress going on here?

[bewildered2]

yes, all the feelings that you are experiencing are normal for someone exiting a relationship with a borderline.

try and remember that BPD is a very severe mental disorder, and that you have been living in close proximity to it for a considerable period of time. your sense of reality will have become distorted by your intense emotional interaction with her, and the entire experience will have been unhealthy for you, hence the painful consequences you are experiencing as you try and adjust to reality by moving away from the source of the pain.

hang in there and avoid all contact if you want to recover. she will try all her little tricks to draw you back in, to get you to take the blame for everything, to convince you to change this and that, and she'll promise that everything will be peachy just as soon as you do all the things that she asks. she's wrong.

unfortunately, there is a price that has to be paid for being unlucky enough to fall in love with a person suffering from BPD. the pain you are feeling is that price. but rest assured that it will get better, as long as you stay on course for a future without her.

take the pain, remember who made you feel this way, and view it as the last piece of abuse that you will suffer because of her.

we're with you,

b2

[mango_flower]

Hang in there - it does get easier.  I know I'm often here panicking about why/how I still feel so awful some days - but it is DEFINITELY better than it was.

I too had the nightmares, the good dreams, the constant images/thoughts (some days I still do) but on the whole they are less intense and less frequent.

It's horrible.

Bewildered2 puts it best with the words:

BPD is a very severe mental disorder, and that you have been living in close proximity to it for a considerable period of time. your sense of reality will have become distorted by your intense emotional interaction with her, and the entire experience will have been unhealthy for you, hence the painful consequences you are experiencing as you try and adjust to reality by moving away from the source of the pain.

The ONLY thing that helps it fade is by having time and space - doesn't sound like you're getting that space from her though, as she is practically stalking you!   I do believe it's very similar to PTSD.

When you say:

How can these feelings stop? I just wish it was possible to talk to her and sort things out.

Well, I am SO with you on that one!  We need closure, but we're not going to get it from them.  It has to come from ourselves, accepting the disorder and seeing it for what it is - that it isn't our fault.  Reading here does help.

x

[Validation78]

Hi Tomjon!

I know this has been tough for you, and am glad that you are posting here so we can be supportive during a time we all understand.

As others have told you, time will make this better. The further you are away from the toxic influence, the stronger you will feel.

Besides continuing NC, what are you doing for yourself to take care of your needs and to assist you in your healing?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[babyducks]

tomjon.

It is very difficult to go through a breakup with pwBPD.   For all the reasons everyone has posted here.  Knowing that it's "normal" really doesn't help much because it feels so awful.

what mango flower posted was and is very true for me,   I was diagnosed with a mild case of PTSD after my relationship.   for me there was definitely a component of waiting it out,  waiting for emotions and memories to diminish with time and space.

another component was to pay attention to how I talk to and treat myself. I had to try and train myself to speak gently and encouraging to myself rather than telling myself what I should or shouldn’t be doing or what’s wrong with me.

and to pay attention to the physical,  eating regular and healthy meals,  trying to sleep, and if I couldn't take the appropriate medication,  get some exercise, and if I was too blown to exercise to just go sit in the park.

unfortunately it takes some time to recover, be patient with yourself. 

babyducks

[tomjon78]

I´m trying my best. I have started exercising but I find it hard to motivate myself. I´ve renovated my house and but I´m fatigued. I´m thinking of going on a vacation alone, but I´m scared of being alone because of my thoughts (I call it "the cage of thoughts"

But I´m seeing my Therapist weekly but I feel almost ashamed of always talking about this issue with him and so tired of this. But he said it will take time to get over this and the best thing is that she will turn her focus somewhere else.

I know she misses me, she´s mad at me. Let´s not forget BPD´s are not totally without any moral. But  I know she has so many unhealthy symtoms and it´s not for me. I can not understand how she managed 9 years relationship with her former spouse. Well he ended up in a mental hospital for a few weeks.

But it´s been a hard 5 years for me. Divorce, me and my former (non BPD) wife had a child with cp and needs special care. Then a divorce and then finally getting into this relationship with my BPD girlfriend. Somehow of all these things, that is the most difficult thing i´ve ever dealt with.

But I know this was not healthy and I guess one of the most painful part of detaching with an BPD is when the puzzles start to get together in your head. How co-dependant I became. How she manipulated me and I totally lost my sense of boundaries. Of course there are a lot of "If´s" and "I should have" but it´s too late.

She gave me some of the best and worst times of my life, and most importantly brought out some of the best and worst of myself. As our marriage therapist said: "she constantly triggers me". And even being at a marriage therapist after 8 months isn´t quite a good start.