For my own good - He is seeing someone else

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello Happy family,

I have been in restricted contact with him for almost 7 weeks. During this time when we met, we didn't argue and spent nice time together. It was actually making things better and I was thinking about going back (Oh yeah! the typical feeling).

He has been quite active socially while I was away. 2 days back he broke the news that he is seeing someone else, a neighbor collage student who is his daughter's age, for casual sex. I couldn't handle the news because this means that my last chance of making things work was gone (yeah as if things were ever gonna work). He told me that he still has feelings for me and that I am very special. And that I should hang round so he gets confidence that this will work between us. No way am I gonna do that. It's his loss that he is not with me. And with this step, he has lost all the chances.

One part of me was happy that this is really good for me to move on and stop thinking about him. Another part of me was equally sad. I kept thinking about all the good times and how I want to cuddle in his arms to feel safe. I let myself to be so vulnerable in this relationship and now I don't know how to deal with it. So I freaked out and let it all out on him. Result - more circular arguments.

I spoke to my counselor today and she affirmed the fact that it's good for me. That helped. Since he gets suicidal sometimes, She suggested that I should let his parents (who live in a different country) know that we are not together anymore, that he would need support and that I should talk to him about this before doing it. That way I will stop feeling responsible for him. When I mentioned it to him, he freaked out. Got so angry that started yelling at me in the restaurant. I tried to calm him down but it didn't work. He was so loud and went on and on, and then I got a panic attack (low bp, heavy breathing, numbness). He took me to his house to rest but started yelling again over something. And I had repeated attacks. He freaks me out so much. And I can't handle it anymore. I don't want to be treated this way and want to end this. He tells me later that he worries about me. (that's why he treated me like a hit)

I think he freaked out because this would prove another failed relationship to his parents. But as my counselor said, his parents should know what is happening in his life, even if he doesn't talk to him often. And that would take his responsibility off my head. I don't know what to do about it now. He will be super upset to find it out and I don't think I can deal with it.

We were awesome together. He was so good to me. I am very sad that we will never be together. I know it's never gonna work between us. That he is not healthy for me. He is like this fantasy that I want to chase. Like an impossible dream. How do I stop hoping for one last chance? It doesn't help that he keeps telling me that he wants to be with me. Counselor said that I should reduce contact with him. Keep a deadline on transferring stuff and engage myself in my life. But I have no desire to do anything. I don't sleep well, I don't feel hungry, I don't feel like doing any activity. Like my life is gone from me. But only I have choice to make it better. I know that this is a phase and it will pass and i will be normal again. But it will take time.

[pari]

Hello Happy family,

I have been in restricted contact with him for almost 7 weeks. During this time when we met, we didn't argue and spent nice time together. It was actually making things better and I was thinking about going back (Oh yeah! the typical feeling).

He has been quite active socially while I was away. 2 days back he broke the news that he is seeing someone else, a neighbor collage student who is his daughter's age, for casual sex. I couldn't handle the news because this means that my last chance of making things work was gone (yeah as if things were ever gonna work). He told me that he still has feelings for me and that I am very special. And that I should hang round so he gets confidence that this will work between us. No way am I gonna do that. It's his loss that he is not with me. And with this step, he has lost all the chances.

One part of me was happy that this is really good for me to move on and stop thinking about him. Another part of me was equally sad. I kept thinking about all the good times and how I want to cuddle in his arms to feel safe. I let myself to be so vulnerable in this relationship and now I don't know how to deal with it. So I freaked out and let it all out on him. Result - more circular arguments.

I spoke to my counselor today and she affirmed the fact that it's good for me. That helped. Since he gets suicidal sometimes, She suggested that I should let his parents (who live in a different country) know that we are not together anymore, that he would need support and that I should talk to him about this before doing it. That way I will stop feeling responsible for him. When I mentioned it to him, he freaked out. Got so angry that started yelling at me in the restaurant. I tried to calm him down but it didn't work. He was so loud and went on and on, and then I got a panic attack (low bp, heavy breathing, numbness). He took me to his house to rest but started yelling again over something. And I had repeated attacks. He freaks me out so much. And I can't handle it anymore. I don't want to be treated this way and want to end this. He tells me later that he worries about me. (that's why he treated me like a hit)

I think he freaked out because this would prove another failed relationship to his parents. But as my counselor said, his parents should know what is happening in his life, even if he doesn't talk to him often. And that would take his responsibility off my head. I don't know what to do about it now. He will be super upset to find it out and I don't think I can deal with it.

We were awesome together. He was so good to me. I am very sad that we will never be together. I know it's never gonna work between us. That he is not healthy for me. He is like this fantasy that I want to chase. Like an impossible dream. How do I stop hoping for one last chance? It doesn't help that he keeps telling me that he wants to be with me. Counselor said that I should reduce contact with him. Keep a deadline on transferring stuff and engage myself in my life. But I have no desire to do anything. I don't sleep well, I don't feel hungry, I don't feel like doing any activity. Like my life is gone from me. But only I have choice to make it better. I know that this is a phase and it will pass and i will be normal again. But it will take time.

[pari]

Sorry for using the spam word

[mango_flower]

That's the worst - the fact that it WAS all so beautiful.

You say "We were awesome together" and then you say "It is never going to work" - can you elaborate on those 2 statements?  Why do you feel it won't work?

What are the bad things about being with him? (forget the good for now).

One thing I found that helped me was casting my mind back to being 15 or 16 and all the thoughts about "when I was grown up" and who I would like to end up with, personality wise.  I know that honesty, loyalty and trust were a few of the points on my list.  My ex did not have those qualities, even though I thought she did... .

So it helps to see things in black and white, for me anyway.

x

[pari]

We were awesome together

- We were so much into each other, that it was magic. Everything felt so perfect.

- Great chemistry. People who didn't know would often tell us that we are so good together.

- In him I found Such deep emotional connection and bonding that I had never known before.

- Great sex. It was always so crazy and divine.

- He would tell me sweet things about me, crack naughty jokes, show his interest in me, almost all the time. Made me feel so special and that he is one for me.

- Being from a different culture, he had a liberal and much more independent view of the world. It was so refreshing.

- He wanted me to be me, made me comfortable in my own shell and who I am.

- He is so handsome, smart and intelligent. Complimented me in so many ways.

- He needed love and I needed somebody to love. Perfect combination. 

It is never going to work/Bad things about being with him:

- Poor communication. Every time we try, he labels it as argument, gets defensive and gets loud. That gives me panic attacks sometimes. Circular arguments. Bringing back issues from past.

- Different ideas of  'future together'. He wanted to 'move in' with me. I wanted 'marriage'. This is the root cause of all the problems. Due to cultural differences, I didn't tell my parents about him as they would pressure us for marriage. He still so upset with me for that I lied to my parents about him.

- His baggage from past relationships (2 divorces) and childhood (childhood abuse). He has trouble maintaining relationships, like simple friendship.

- So much anger hidden inside. I was the outlet for all the frustration and anger.

- 'Neediness' 'Hunger for attention': - When I am around him, it's all about him. I can't do enough. Made me feel like a failure. Even when I am sick, he will throw tantrum so I care for him, instead of caring for myself

- His life was centered around me. There was no one else but me to hanging out because he loved spending time with me. If I went to see my friends, he would throw tantrum.

- I wasn't allowed to make any mistake because I was perfect human being.

- He would project all this actions on me and blame me for - Mixed signals, Double standards, looking at negatives in life. I was always the wrong one.

- Poor spending habits. Spend a lot of money on others so that they like him and hang around him.

- His smoking habits. He is stoned almost all the time and smokes endless cigarettes in a day.

- Using sex as a medium of emotional connection. Crazy sexual needs towards the end.

- Freaking out so bad that he would start yelling at me in Public. I told him that I couldn't stand it. It gives me panic attacks. Same happened yesterday too.

- He changed me to suits his needs, made me so emotional vulnerable and weak.

While I write this, it all makes more sense that it's good for me. That he wasn't healthy for me.  I keep telling myself that I deserve better in life. And I will be better off without him.

[Surnia]

Pari

so sorry to hear   and I agree totally with you, it takes time and it will get better!

I feel sorry also what happend in the restaurant. I would drop the plan about telling the parents.

Focus on your self. You deserve it. 

[pari]

Thanks for your kind words Surnia and Mango_flower.

Being on this forum, posting and reading has helped me a lot in healing. I am doing much better.

Yesterday morning he told me that he is really sick (that he got my fever as I was sick the previous week) and might need a doctor. The human me offered a ride to hospital. When I reached to pick him up, he mentioned that he would need help getting down the car and that he has to move a friend who stayed over. This upset me so much that he didn't mention about the friend. He made it sound like he was in so much pain. He kept telling me that how good I was in taking care of him. Such a trap and I fell for it. Sometimes I feel people like me needed this experience to be a bit more selfish in life. Last Saturday when I was choking, he was checking apps on his phone lying next to me. 

I am already deleting his emails, cleared his stuff and asked for a date to swap things. Havn't heard from him on that yet. I plan to dump everything at this place by the weekend.

He called today to find out how am I doing. We talked for a while and then I mentioned that we shouldn't be doing this, being friends. It will not help us heal. Every time we talk, it hurts both and we might get into the chain of arguments again. I suggested that he take advice from his counselor on this. He thinks a counselor can't decide what's best for us, because only we know what's best for both of us. He got so upset that I didn't want to see him. His argument is that this (him seeing someone else) was expected when we decided to take him off from each other. And he can't understand why does it hurt me. He says, he can never get over me. Every time he sees me, he will be sad. And if I don't want to see him, then he will do it for my happiness. That he will stay away. That I win the argument. That I want to deal with this at my own terms. He texted later "Apparently the best thing I can do for a relationship is to stay away"

My heart sank to hear his voice dip. My instinct was to go over to his place and see how he is doing. It makes me so sad to see him sad. My motherly instinct wants to take care of him of still. It's so difficult. That's why I here on the forum, distracting myself and looking for support.

I so want to be friends with him but know that it's not healthy for either of us. In another post, I read about CC, in which nons slowly reduce the contact and interest, leading the BPDs to walk from their life. Wondering if that's a possibility. But all my friends and family ask me to cut him off completely.

[Surnia]

Its a very important question what fits better, no contact or controlled contact. I would say that controlled contact needs you to be very grounded and convinced that the relationship is over and ex has to be responsible for himself. When we have hope or ex is pulling a lot or when we are falling back in the caretaker role, perhaps NC would be the better choice IMHO.