Feeling of living in a nightmare that isn't ending.

[delusionalxox]

Hi all, some of you may have read my previous posts. The story can be briefly summarised as: long distance r/shp, gorgeous younger man, highly passionate/volatile with multiple recyclings (too many to count). Downgraded to 'friends' in January. Extreme jealousy, intrusions into email and phone, bizarre suggestions about my sexual behaviour; lived off me and made increasingly extreme demands until I threw him out.  Last time I saw him was mid May. I got pregnant. He dumped me finally just before that, when I was very down and asking for some support 2 days after he sent me a long email saying sorry for all our problems and that he wanted me to be a priority in his life and at very least to be a good friend. Then he didn't want to know as soon as he got back home. His final word was that I was a 'psycho' and 'wasn't the only one with problems'.

Anyway I went through the termination last week on my own, felt so ashamed and unable to contact anyone in RL. People here were the only ones I spoke to.

I thought I had forgiven him and maybe I have but I sure haven't moved on one bit. I know it is early days but I don't know if I can survive this.

I feel like I'm in a nightmare. I think about him day and night. Memories good and bad literally assault me. It is as if my brain is torturing me with the fact that he is gone and does not love me any more. I don't even know if I love him- he was an utter  nightmare to live with- but I felt a passion for him that has not died and seems to have turned into an obsession which is eating me alive literally.

I feel a hit and disgusting person. As if he saw the core of me and found it to be nothing. So I feel like nothing.

I've been going over all the things I di dwrong, all the things he accused me of, some of which were just fantasy. But I did lose my temper a lot. I did dump him a lot and then take him back. I was snappy and moody. I did once get drunk as hell and contact an old boyfriend and slag ex off to him (ex constantly monitored my FB and email for contact with men). I did not have sex with this guy nor did I plan to but I guess I flirted with him too much. This was at the point ex and I were constantly splitting up. But I shoudl not have done that, he was right about that.

He called me all sorts of things in the relationship- evil, sick, a cheater, vain, materialistic (using money as a tool of power, he said- he made me pay for everything), fake, shallow, sadistic. I feel atm like maybe he saw the real me, maybe he was right.

But then I would  never have taken money and things from a person continually, or broken into their email repeatedly, or tried to pressurise them to leave their job and country and kids (!), or yell at them just for reading a book, or for 'not appreciating' their work (he's a phD student)... . I would never have ignored them when they were really down or when they were pregnant.

The thing is I just know nothing any more. It's like when he dropped me something splintered apart in me and all I can feel is constant pain. And not only can I not forget him, he has been amplified in my mind so that he is literally ALL I THINK ABOUT. Both in good terms (which make me feel desperately sad) and the bad memories too.

He was very beautiful, much more beautiful than me. Physically I still want him so much. That makes me feel really shallow. I should not care about such things, right?

I feel as if I'll never feel true love or desire again. iLike a nuclear bomb blew up inside me and burned it all out.

I feel as if he was my last/only chance and I f***ed it up. Despite  knowing that he was a child in a man's body I still blame myself.

Sorry for these apocalyptic words. I know I am not well myself right now, but there isn't anyone or anywhere to go to for help.

xxx to all.

[crystalclear]

The thing is I just know nothing any more. It's like when he dropped me something splintered apart in me and all I can feel is constant pain. And not only can I not forget him, he has been amplified in my mind so that he is literally ALL I THINK ABOUT. Both in good terms (which make me feel desperately sad) and the bad memories too.

He was very beautiful, much more beautiful than me. Physically I still want him so much. That makes me feel really shallow. I should not care about such things, right?

I feel as if I'll never feel true love or desire again. iLike a nuclear bomb blew up inside me and burned it all out.

I feel as if he was my last/only chance and I f***ed it up. Despite  knowing that he was a child in a man's body I still blame myself.

servalan,

Loads of   to you... .

I cannot really give you a word of advice, as i am in a mess myself - which i am trying so hard to figure out. I take one step forward and 10 steps backward in few days.

I really feel for you, as i quoted a excerpt of your post that i mirrors my feelings at the moment. How could they be so rutheless? Be a a person who proclaims his love for you and the later misbehaves to the lowest of human behaviors?

I was in a long distance r/s too (2 diff countries). My exbf was mostly insecure and jealous about my carefree life. My independent nature which drew his attention towards me, i guess scared the hell out of him. As i was 6 yrs younger to him, had many guiy friends (few who did show interest in me), my parties, drives with friends, and mostly my job involved frequent international trips. I cannot think of one day when he geniunely sounded happy for me, when i enjoyed travelling or partying with friends. I gave up my salsa classes as he did not like the idea of another man dancing with me. I cancelled my trip to a rock concert he knew i was waiting to go for an year, because he wasn't with me and he demanded i cancel it if i loved him.

When i met my exbf, i was staying in a flat with 2 other guys, one of who was my first exbf for couple of months. We were merely staying under the same roof but barely spoke. I disclosed this to my exbf(NPD/BPD) as i do not like to keep any secrets in r/s especially this i thought he must know. Although the he behaved 'all cool' the time i told him this, but till the last day of our r/s he held this against me. He also doubted my fidelity. I also told him when couple of my guy friends showed interest in me or proposed to me - and he blamed me for provoking them to do that and that i should have slapped my friends or be harsh to them verbally. I never swear at anyone, and he knows that.

I realised, that there is not prize for honesty anymore.

During the devaluation phase he gave me the silent treatment, and when i was with him during my visits he was disinterested to go out anywhere with me, he ignored me and said he no longer has the conviction that our r/s would work anymore - he did not even try to resolve the issues we had been going through like a mature adult. He later discarded me and was also pissed that my flight got cancelled and i had to overstay my trip at his place. I was literally living like a maid - as he did not take time off from work at all, and out of care i cooked, cleaned his house, did the dishes, sleeping the guest room, shopped groceries  - which he never acknowledged or neither (even out of courtsey) thanked. He said "you are not obligated to do any of these, i never asked you to do this for me". "I never asked you to come visit me as well, it was your decision - you make your own plan and cancel whenever you want to". I spent all my savings (for my future studies) to fly/visit him 20000 miles so away so he is not alone on Christmas or on his birthday  :'(

I am with you servalan, in spirit. Believe me i know hoe it exactly feels to be all alone in this.

[mango_flower]

So your situation in itself is quite different from mine, yet the feelings you are feeling - I can relate to every single one!

I can't ever imagine myself loving anyone again.

I feel haunted by images of the good and the bad times, as well as images of her and her new fiancee.

I feel she was my last/only chance.

So many of us feel like this, I promise you are not alone!

And not only can I not forget him, he has been amplified in my mind so that he is literally ALL I THINK ABOUT. Both in good terms (which make me feel desperately sad) and the bad memories too.

Now, this one DOES get easier. At first, I could LITERALLY think of nothing else. I'd be teaching, and my voice would trail off, as I was bombarded by thoughts/images of her.  My students would sit there, expectantly waiting for me to continue and my eyes would just fill with tears.

This gets better.  I'm 7 months out and a lot of my day I am kept occupied and DON'T think of her. 

Now, it's as follows:

60% of my day - don't think of her

20% of my day - think of her but don't dwell, usually I've been reminded of something and she flits into my thoughts and then I'll shake it off.

10% of my day - think of her, feel frustrated, why, why, why did she stop loving me?  Why?  Questions, questions, I don't understand... .

5% of my day - think of her, think of the bad things about her, wish she'd get karma

5% of my day - feel hopeless, desperate, hate myself, miss her so much, would give anything to have her in my arms, would give my life to just have one more day where she loved me and was with me, wish I could die right now so I could go to heaven/whatever is next, and just be with her again, me and my sweet girl, like we used to be.

So there you have it.  It gets easier. The bad moments are not any less painful yet but they are fewer and further between. 

I think I have to accept that I will always love her... . no matter what.  I know that some people say it wasn't real, that it was a projection - and some of it was I'm sure, but I also know that sweet girl who looked me in the eyes and shone, was real.  She just wasn't permanent.

I need to start seeing my world as bigger than her.  I coped for 32 years before I met her, and I had happy days and amazing times.  I didn't even know she existed.  So logic tells me I shall be ok again.  The scars will always be there though.

Do what you can to get through each day.  I honestly don't know how I made it through. Little things, cling to them.  One day we'll be out of the FOG. It's a scary and horrible place to be.

You WILL be ok - PLEASE believe me - I loved my girl more than life itself, I have never felt such depth to my emotions, I know it's hard to believe when other people say "I understand", but we've all been there.  We all know the confusion, feelings of rejection, feelings of frustration, deep hurt, broken-ness... .

And you will be ok.  I promise.

[delusionalxox]

Hi Crystal. I've read all your posts. I totally understand where you are and feeling so bleak.

Is there something about BPD and long distance things/ online things (I didn't meet ex online but our relationship became online/long-distance and I guess it is so much easier for distortion and devaluation to accelerate then).

I have realised I am desperate for him to contact me. Yet I don't like him or how he has behaved. So if he did I would not have much to say to him except 'you ass' - which I've said over and over in email/text.

Thing is if an ex or friend of mine was in medical trouble like pregnancy I would never ever leave them alone with it. I'd offer what friendship I could even if it was a very bad situation.

I'm reallystruggling with this feeling that you expressed in another post- that he is the 'successful' one who has 'won'. He has discarded me and I am left with nothing. I also spent a lot of money at his instigation.

Our exes come from conservative cultures too by the sound of it (is yours in an  Asian country? I assumed so from the arranged marriage issue). And they both sought out 'liberal' women then denigrated them for it. Cultural conflict writ large.

I hate myself for my attachment to this wanker who left me to bleed all last week without a word other than 'you have damaged me stop tormenting me' ! LOL. It is quite funny in the end. I get left pregnant and go through abortion alone after he took a load of money off him (I always paid for everything including his flights) and HE is the victim of ME. It's classic really.

Anyway it's my bedtime. I still feel so horrible inside as if I've been blown up. Nothing makes sense any more, I am constantly afraid.

Big hugs to you, let us pray this pain will be relieved and we can be healed. xx

[delusionalxox]

Hey mango

How do they do this to us? How do they manage to destroy the very idea of love?

How can this horrible person be 'our only chance'?

There is something strange here eh. Deeply strange. Almost vampiric. You said something in another post about how you feel she passed on her damage to you. Thing is ex claims to be damaged- but by me! As a way of evading his responsibilities I guess.

He didn't acknowledge the abortion at all. Just said 'I am deeply damaged by you,I have tons of problems already, you have to stop tormenting me now'... . it is almost sociopathic eh what they do and the incredible chutzpah of making you suffer appallingly, blaming you for it, and then claiming all the pain for themselves!

 a peaceful night to you I  hope. I hope to sleep properly and not this horrible broken daze I have been getting instead of sleep lately. xxx

[delusionalxox]

'10% of my day - think of her, feel frustrated, why, why, why did she stop loving me?  Why?  Questions, questions, I don't understand... .

5% of my day - think of her, think of the bad things about her, wish she'd get karma

5% of my day - feel hopeless, desperate, hate myself, miss her so much, would give anything to have her in my arms, would give my life to just have one more day where she loved me and was with me, wish I could die right now so I could go to heaven/whatever is next, and just be with her again, me and my sweet girl, like we used to be.'

This is good to read! I think I am on thinking of bad things/wishing karma 25% of day, incomprehension 20%, desiring him and longing for the sexual passion 15%, hopelessness self hate and incoherent longing about 40%, does that add up to 100%? You put it so so well. It does help, I hope I am at that stage in 12 months and I wonder if I will have a life of my own... . something that doesn't revolve around him and all the madness... .

[Ahhhh431]

@crystalclear -- your story really touched my heart. It sounds like your ex was severely insecure -- even when your actions (coming to visit him on Christmas/birthday) were used to affirm him positively that he could trust you. I am so sorry for your situation, you sound like a wonderful person that any man would be blessed to have. The way you cared for him and his house while you were there showed tremendous amounts of character on your part -- and the fact that you did it on your own and not because he asked shows your caring heart even more! You are a gem, don't let this man let you see yourself any differently!

[bpdspell]

Servalan83,

Wow. Your story truly has mirrored my own. I too was with a very passionate handsome younger man who turned out to be a psychotic mentally ill insecure, entitled controlling mess! The love making... . off the charts... . the break ups to make ups... . legendary... . then... . unbearable abandonment pain and the feeling of being thrown down an elevator shaft. :'( :'( :'(

Right now it's all too early to fully understand what's happening but I recommend you read as much about BPD as possible. Sounds like yours has some strong NPD traits as well. The obsessive thoughts are common but try to make an effort to focus on healthy distractions: reading about BPD, exercising, inventing healing time with a quality therapist, spending time with friends and family... . journaling and posting on here. I know it's hard but as you grow into learning about BPD you'll see that these relationships were designed to crash and burn. BPD is a serious mental illness.

Soon you will come to realize that these relationships often mirrored abandonment and neglect experiences that we ourselves experienced as children. Our BPD's often feel like our soul mates because they're often an emotional replica of the caregivers that took care of us. My BPDex was a perfect combination of my neglecting mother and my mentally ill psychotic father. As a child... . my needs came last and as an adult it's all I knew.  Of course we aren't conscious of this pattern happening as these relationships evolve but when things end the pain is often unbearable because our BPD's often rip off scabs that haven't healed from our own inner brokenness.

My ex was a lot like yours. Entitled, self-centred and wanted a replacement parent. Everything was all about him and anything outside of grooming me to fulfill his every need became a blownout toxic mess. I really disliked my ex's personality but couldn't break away because of the trauma bond. It's a nasty cycle and gratefully one we can end for good if we choose to go no contact and learn all that we can about why we allowed ourselves to be treated so poorly.

Spell

[crystalclear]

Hi Crystal. I've read all your posts. I totally understand where you are and feeling so bleak.

Is there something about BPD and long distance things/ online things (I didn't meet ex online but our relationship became online/long-distance and I guess it is so much easier for distortion and devaluation to accelerate then).

I have realised I am desperate for him to contact me. Yet I don't like him or how he has behaved. So if he did I would not have much to say to him except 'you ass' - which I've said over and over in email/text.


Our exes come from conservative cultures too by the sound of it (is yours in an  Asian country? I assumed so from the arranged marriage issue). And they both sought out 'liberal' women then denigrated them for it. Cultural conflict writ large.

Servalan,

Wow, many similarities in our stories. Like you I did not meet my exbf online, i met him in person as he used to work for the same team as me but was in my country to train me on a project. I am still researching on LDRs and NPD/BPDs.

I have posted about my experience here, hoping i could understand the maddening confusion on this topic. But i believe, the LDR gave both power and pain to our exbfs - power (in the beginning and ending) in terms of their space to be in a r/s and still do 'anything' they like to, also the facade is safely intact and in control. The pain is when they were getting attached to us physically, emotionally and the blinds were falling off slowly - their fears were surfacing and they had to resume manipulation, lies, and push-pull to keep us in the r/s. The day they found or saw the prospects of another NEW source of supply they kicked us into the dumpster.

I had not imagined in my wildest of dreams that HE would discard ME. Towards the tail end of our r/s he had already informed his parent (emailed them) to look for suitors for him. He hid this from me for 2 months, the day he began to get 'better' matches of girls from his mom - he told me that we were done - and the reason was 'trust, and incompatibility'.?

My exbf was an Indian, who i believed (silly me) was nothing like an "Indian Man" - he claimed himself to be an Aethist, who dislikes his culture/traditions and only did to keep his parents happy. He never stopped me or commented on my drinking, smoking and clothing. Which is what i liked the most about him, as most Indian men do not want their gf/wife to drink,smoke or wear short clothes in public. Anyways, finally he followed 'a traditional India marriage' and adhered to the culture of 'quickly getting engaged' as per his and his parents choice within 2 months after breaking up with me.

How's that?

[delusionalxox]

BPDspell yeah you read my mind... . and appear to have lived a lot of my life too :D

I think NPD definitely. He was an 'artist'. Was yours?

The last screaming, yelling blowup he had at me was because I was saying (in my heated way which isn't personal) that I did not think technology could save us (he saw himself as 'saving the world' with interactive technology... . yeah right   NPD much?) and he lept up screaming that I 'did not respect him or appreciate his work at all'... . He just wanted a dumb audience and a hit. And my God the entitlement... . but I fed it didn't I, paying for his air fares and food and he would go through my stuff and take whatever he could. He is still using an old phone I was keeping to use as a spare, but it was in my house and I wasn't using it so it was HIS. That was typical. He would take mone all the time and wanted to be let off paying it back. That was one of his reasons for discarding me at the end... . that I asked for £50 back he had taken out of my purse.

He left me pregnant and then told me I had 'damaged him terribly' so there was also a sense of victimhood. He feels that he is a terribly caring and giving person. god knows why. There is no real evidence of this.

Something that got to me was, that he told me 'how many men would put up with you being the way you are' (eg depressed, single parent, in difficult divorce situation, age 40 now). By the end he told me I was 'getting really old' (with tears in his eyes as if he really cared... . ).

That has really got to me, I feel ugly and undesirable, as if this man-boy was my last chance to ever feel passion or love again, and how sad that is... .

His last message (which made no reference to the abortion or pregnancy- its as if for him that has not happened) said that I had 'damaged him deeply... . his nights and days were haunted by the terrible things I had said and done (?) to him... . and that now I must stop tormenting him'. Well I can really feel for the nights and days full of terrible things, that is the way I feel now.

BPDspell how long has it been for you? I don't know how much more of this horrible insanity and pain I can survive. It's like he has poisoned my entire world and nothing will work again.

[bpdspell]

I think NPD definitely. He was an 'artist'. Was yours?

No. Mine was music lover slash producer slash wannabe DJ. Something he "miraculously" discovered when he was with me. And he worked really hard to sell me the BS about how successful his future would be. The Snark.

He would take money all the time and wanted to be let off paying it back. That was one of his reasons for discarding me at the end... . that I asked for £50 back he had taken out of my purse.

My ex and I got into many fights about my money because I generally can't really respect a man who's comfortable in being taken care of financially by a women. But slowly it was $5 dollars here... . $20 dollars there... . borrowing $50 there... . needing a cell phone... . most times he'd back me back in full but only because he knew I would have his head. But he totally resented having to pay me back and worked hard in grooming me to be his caretaker. Yuck and puke! He was so entitled yet so one-sided and completely dismissed the idea of reciprocity. This is the twisted logic of narcissism. Everything is all about them and their needs and screw yours because we're objects.

In their minds they are owed whatever they didn't receive in childhood and so it's our jobs to be parent replacements if we really "love" them. My ex never stole from me as far as I know... . but he was a professional manipulator and knew how to pull my strings to get me to give. On my part I often caved in because I was 10 years older than him. I'm 36... . he was 26... . so in a ways you really can't expect a 26 year old to have a lot of money. But that aside... . my ex was a total user and self centered on a molecular level.

He left me pregnant and then told me I had 'damaged him terribly' so there was also a sense of victimhood. He feels that he is a terribly caring and giving person. god knows why. There is no real evidence of this.

Oh yes. In their minds they are victims because we begin to resist being steam rolled by the unfairness of their neediness. How dare we have needs of our own?

Something that got to me was, that he told me 'how many men would put up with you being the way you are' (eg depressed, single parent, in difficult divorce situation, age 40 now). By the end he told me I was 'getting really old' (with tears in his eyes as if he really cared... . ).

This my friend is called the devaluation process. They are clever in finding everything that's perceived as a weakness in you and using it to chop your tree down. Anything to make you feel an ounce of the misery that lives inside of them daily. This is when their mask has been completely tossed out the nearest window and you get to see the real them: a broken, troubled, bitter, rageful and punishing child who hates to see anyone have light or happiness. They really hate themselves and they're quite pissed off that no one seems to "get" them.

That has really got to me, I feel ugly and undesirable, as if this man-boy was my last chance to ever feel passion or love again, and how sad that is... .

His words have gotten to you for several reasons. You allowed him to get close to you, you gave him your trust without him having to earn it, and possibly on some level you believe his hurtful words to be true. My ex was really handsome (and well hung... . ) and I honestly felt like he was the most physically attractive man I have ever been with in my entire life. And as superficial as it may sound my low self-esteem saw his attractiveness as a badge of honor and a source of validation for me. My ex and I certainly had a fiery physical attraction to one another... . but focusing on the superficial aspects of our relationship allowed me to ignore the red flags of his major character flaws.

BPDspell how long has it been for you? I don't know how much more of this horrible insanity and pain I can survive. It's like he has poisoned my entire world and nothing will work again.

I was with my ex for 10 months and it was by far the most intense relationship of extreme highs and lows I've ever been in. I've been out a little over 2 years and it's been a journey. So all I can say to you is hold on to your hat and be prepared to look in your own mirror. These relationships are no accident. They are designed for us to heal our repressed brokenness and unhealed blind spots that live inside of us. If we were healthy we would have bolted at the first sign of disrespect but instead we pressed on until the relationship exploded in our faces like a stick of dynamite.

As for your pain BPD family recommends a core trauma therapist or seeing someone who specializes in BPD relationships and I couldn't agree more. Therapy has helped me considerably. In addition posting on here, reading healing books and sticking to the journey of mourning and grieving really puts us back on track.  For the first few months I had nightmares and panic attacks and I missed him so much that I nearly barfed up everything I tried to eat.  I couldn't sleep and thought incessantly about this man who took my heart, diced it with a Ginsu knife and then poured bleached into the hole in my chest. But as I learned more about BPD I learned not to take his actions personal and shifted the focus of healing on me.

Again. It's a journey but one you are well worth.

Spell