Having a hard time today...

[Ahhhh431]

It's been for months since the breakup and about 2 weeks since I last had contact with the ex girlfriend.  The last time I saw her she was completely exposed in front of her mentor for lying about our relationship. I assume this was extremely hard for her as she is high functioning and most people would never guess she was capable of the things she did. (my story is on the new members board if youd like so background info). I know I shouldn't be having the desire to be with some or to see someone who treated me so poorly but I have a strong desire to see or talk to her today. I feel like I should be the one that should want nothing to do with her but for some reason I do, and she doesn't. It seems totally backwards. I cannot comprehend meaning so much to someone one day and then the next day being forgotten. How do you handle this?

[Octoberfest]

It's been for months since the breakup and about 2 weeks since I last had contact with the ex girlfriend.  The last time I saw her she was completely exposed in front of her mentor for lying about our relationship. I assume this was extremely hard for her as she is high functioning and most people would never guess she was capable of the things she did. (my story is on the new members board if youd like so background info). I know I shouldn't be having the desire to be with some or to see someone who treated me so poorly but I have a strong desire to see or talk to her today. I feel like I should be the one that should want nothing to do with her but for some reason I do, and she doesn't. It seems totally backwards. I cannot comprehend meaning so much to someone one day and then the next day being forgotten. How do you handle this?

Hi,

This is a battle I have fought quite a bit as well... . perhaps I can help you understand a bit about it.

First, why she seems to want nothing to do with you.  This also ties into how many pwBPD seem to "move on" so quickly after break ups.

We, as nons, are a means of survival for pwBPD... . Think of it as a relationship in nature between a parasite and a host.  This is not to say that our BPDSO's did not really love us- I believe that they did.  But they are able to "move on" so quickly, because they MUST.  NORMAL people go through a grieving period; they cannot, or if they do, they do it while with a new person.  For them, being with someone is a necessity, much like how smokers crave nicotine ( or substitute another addiction in here).  They NEED to be with someone.

Secondly, we still seek them (even when WE are the ones who walk away and end things) for a variety of reasons.  These can have to do with unresolved issues of our own as well as a feeling as though "we are not done here" that I know for a fact I at least got.  It is hard... . We as non's can see all the potential in our BPDSO's. And it is heartbreaking to think that it lies out of reach.  I think it is why so many of us keep trying for as long as we do; we think that, "if only i stretch a little further, give it a little more time, it will all work out.  We stretch and stretch until we break... . and we have a hell of a time admitting defeat.

Does that make any sense?

[Ahhhh431]

It's been for months since the breakup and about 2 weeks since I last had contact with the ex girlfriend.  The last time I saw her she was completely exposed in front of her mentor for lying about our relationship. I assume this was extremely hard for her as she is high functioning and most people would never guess she was capable of the things she did. (my story is on the new members board if youd like so background info). I know I shouldn't be having the desire to be with some or to see someone who treated me so poorly but I have a strong desire to see or talk to her today. I feel like I should be the one that should want nothing to do with her but for some reason I do, and she doesn't. It seems totally backwards. I cannot comprehend meaning so much to someone one day and then the next day being forgotten. How do you handle this?

Hi,

This is a battle I have fought quite a bit as well... . perhaps I can help you understand a bit about it.

First, why she seems to want nothing to do with you.  This also ties into how many pwBPD seem to "move on" so quickly after break ups.

We, as nons, are a means of survival for pwBPD... . Think of it as a relationship in nature between a parasite and a host.  This is not to say that our BPDSO's did not really love us- I believe that they did.  But they are able to "move on" so quickly, because they MUST.  NORMAL people go through a grieving period; they cannot, or if they do, they do it while with a new person.  For them, being with someone is a necessity, much like how smokers crave nicotine ( or substitute another addiction in here).  They NEED to be with someone.

Secondly, we still seek them (even when WE are the ones who walk away and end things) for a variety of reasons.  These can have to do with unresolved issues of our own as well as a feeling as though "we are not done here" that I know for a fact I at least got.  It is hard... . We as non's can see all the potential in our BPDSO's. And it is heartbreaking to think that it lies out of reach.  I think it is why so many of us keep trying for as long as we do; we think that, "if only i stretch a little further, give it a little more time, it will all work out.  We stretch and stretch until we break... . and we have a hell of a time admitting defeat.

Does that make any sense?

That makes a lot of sense. I definitely had the feeling that I could never do enough or that I was never enough for her to just be okay with being with me and not need the attention of every guy. She was so flirtatious and I knew it was more out of needing attention than anything, even when I was with her it seemed like if my attention was not on her constantly she would do something to get it even more -- when I wasn't around she had to have some other guys attention -- so I tried to be around all the time or available all the time in hopes of being enough but I still wasn't -- it wore me out so much!

[Octoberfest]

It's been for months since the breakup and about 2 weeks since I last had contact with the ex girlfriend.  The last time I saw her she was completely exposed in front of her mentor for lying about our relationship. I assume this was extremely hard for her as she is high functioning and most people would never guess she was capable of the things she did. (my story is on the new members board if youd like so background info). I know I shouldn't be having the desire to be with some or to see someone who treated me so poorly but I have a strong desire to see or talk to her today. I feel like I should be the one that should want nothing to do with her but for some reason I do, and she doesn't. It seems totally backwards. I cannot comprehend meaning so much to someone one day and then the next day being forgotten. How do you handle this?

Hi,

This is a battle I have fought quite a bit as well... . perhaps I can help you understand a bit about it.

First, why she seems to want nothing to do with you.  This also ties into how many pwBPD seem to "move on" so quickly after break ups.

We, as nons, are a means of survival for pwBPD... . Think of it as a relationship in nature between a parasite and a host.  This is not to say that our BPDSO's did not really love us- I believe that they did.  But they are able to "move on" so quickly, because they MUST.  NORMAL people go through a grieving period; they cannot, or if they do, they do it while with a new person.  For them, being with someone is a necessity, much like how smokers crave nicotine ( or substitute another addiction in here).  They NEED to be with someone.

Secondly, we still seek them (even when WE are the ones who walk away and end things) for a variety of reasons.  These can have to do with unresolved issues of our own as well as a feeling as though "we are not done here" that I know for a fact I at least got.  It is hard... . We as non's can see all the potential in our BPDSO's. And it is heartbreaking to think that it lies out of reach.  I think it is why so many of us keep trying for as long as we do; we think that, "if only i stretch a little further, give it a little more time, it will all work out.  We stretch and stretch until we break... . and we have a hell of a time admitting defeat.

Does that make any sense?

That makes a lot of sense. I definitely had the feeling that I could never do enough or that I was never enough for her to just be okay with being with me and not need the attention of every guy. She was so flirtatious and I knew it was more out of needing attention than anything, even when I was with her it seemed like if my attention was not on her constantly she would do something to get it even more -- when I wasn't around she had to have some other guys attention -- so I tried to be around all the time or available all the time in hopes of being enough but I still wasn't -- it wore me out so much!

You are speaking to my soul.  I was constantly chasing my BPDex too- for good reason.  She was cheating, or trying to cheat one me, our entire relationship.  I don't believe that "I wasnt good enough" or that I was not providing her with someone that she was finding elsewhere.  The people who she cheated with were a wide assortment of characters, and more than not people you would say "THEM? REALLY?" about.  She just craves the attention.  She craves feeling wanted.  And she has no idea how to manage personal relationships with people. She was full blown dating three guys at once, one each in three different cities.

These are not shortcomings on our part.  Healthy people are capable of comitting to ONE person and being in a loving, trusting relationship.  pwBPD are not.

[Ahhhh431]

You are speaking to my soul.  I was constantly chasing my BPDex too- for good reason.  She was cheating, or trying to cheat one me, our entire relationship.  I don't believe that "I wasnt good enough" or that I was not providing her with someone that she was finding elsewhere.  The people who she cheated with were a wide assortment of characters, and more than not people you would say "THEM? REALLY?" about.  She just craves the attention.  She craves feeling wanted.  And she has no idea how to manage personal relationships with people. She was full blown dating three guys at once, one each in three different cities.

These are not shortcomings on our part.  Healthy people are capable of comitting to ONE person and being in a loving, trusting relationship.  pwBPD are not.[/quote]
My relationship made me question whether people really are able to commit to one person... . but then I remember my ability to do so and all hope is not lost!   I noticed that my ex definitely craved the attention, and I knew she had her part to play in getting it as she always had a new story of a guy who was after her at work. People don't just constantly pursue you unless you are giving them something to pursue... .

[rollercoaster24]

Hi Ahhhh431 and Octoberfest,

I can totally relate to what you are saying, and thanks Octoberfest for putting it in a nutshell for us.

For me, I have never really known if my exBP guy was in fact cheating, all the signs were there, and he certainly spent all of his time projecting onto me that I was.

In the first two years, everyone in my life was free reign for him to accuse me over. So I lost contact with any male/female friends I had, and began living the life of a virtual hermit, (no social calls or people dropping round for coffees) in order to try and help him feel more secure. My phone ringing was a constant source of anxiety for me, even work calls he would become upset over, especially if my boss at that site was a male.

Believe me, his constant verbal abuse, manipulations and aggression had me blaming myself and thinking it was my fault, that I deserved his wrath.

This did nothing, he still picked fights with me every three days, sometimes every day, and yet I was the one who was working full time, and split shifts too. How the hell it would have been possible for me to be having an affair, when all I did was went to work and home again, was beyond me.

BP had all this time on his hands during the early mornings, late afternoons and evenings, and he wasn't often home at my place either, he would be driving around somewhere local, sitting in his car at the beach, or at the library using the internet.

He had demanded the addresses of any male friends or anyone else I knew, so that in the event we were going through another breakup, (precipitated by him of course) he would be able to check up on me, by driving around to see where I was at nights, (I was always home!)

When I asked him for the same informations, (ie, women he had known as 'friends' before he met me) he would insist that he wasn't like that, never had been, and since I was the one who looked the most untrustworthy, it was only right for him to withhold that information from me or be vague about providing it. Short cut, he never gave out addresses to me, but would disappear for several days (during our splits) if he had money, (not returning to his parents) and would never be specific as to his whereabouts.

If I ever tried to contact him at nights during those breakups, he would never answer his phone.

He also made out he didn't know how to put his phone on silent, or block calls, but then he would admit that he had in fact done so because he didn't want to accept calls from me, (confused, you bet)

There was also constant calls from females he hung out with in a nearby tourist city, for two years. These females (I was told) were 'suspect massage girls', bhity, stirrers, who were just playing a game with him, and hundreds of other males on dating sites (because he had rejected them as friends) but he had blocked them from his phone.

He had always told me, that his last contacts with any of them were where he abused one of them horrifically verbally in the middle of this tourist city, and abruptly stopping, ordered one of them out of his car, in the middle of a busy city street, screaming abuse at her.

His justification for doing this? They were going out somewhere for coffee, 'as only friends that they were' and she was talking on her phone the whole time to heaps of other blokes. He decided she was a whore and justified his abuse of her.

Any of his previous female 'friends' were all using speed/meth, and when I met him, it was all he talked about too. Always projecting that everyone in my life was on it, (and me too!), it was one of his constant rant monologues, about all the friends he had that had died from being on that 'hit'.

Yet, BP looked like a meth user himself, in his younger day, he was more solid and healthier looking, but over the last ten years he had become very thin, not eating, no money, no employment for five years, and patchy employment in the years prior to unemployment.

He went through money like nothing, and yet had been staying with his parents for years, paying nothing, and making lots of extra money on the side selling car parts he found dumped, or other stuff he would steal.

When I met him, he had admitted that all he had been doing was hanging out with his brother, (who apparently is also on the meth), smoking pot and drinking all the time. He said that he had stopped doing all that about six months before he met me, because he was tired of it all. The real truth, is that his brother was tired of the drama/conflict with his younger sibling, so backed off, and detached himself.

The signs I saw in BP were almost long term drug psychosis, as he was extremely aggressive, threatening, and dangerous during his episodes, and these were every three days often. During the first two years, there were 3 weeks, (not consecutive) where his behaviour/mood was reasonably stable. Over the past year, that he has been back staying permanently at his parents, (in an outdoor shed-room that looks like a hoarders paradise) there has been one week where his act was stable for the whole week.

There were several incidents with me, where he tried to kill me, and often threatened to. And abuse, in every form was present the whole time he lived with me off and on for the first two years.

Every week, (without fail) he would disappear to this touristy city, and 'sleep in his car' for two nights, he never stopped doing that, even though he knew it hurt me, he merely justified it, or lied about having stayed overnights.

His Mother told me that BP's Father was exactly the same, and his abuse/aggression/violence was the reason her son developed a Mental illness, along with her youngest child, BP's sister, who has Bipolar Disorder.

She is doing well for herself, married (no children though) as are his other siblings. BP has virtually nothing to do with the rest of his family, he hurts like mad over his favourite brother rejecting him, and his other brother as well.

I myself can see that his Mother is actually the biggest problem, because she spent all her life with the Father, never sought professional help for herself or her children, and keeps the craziness going with her dynamics.

She snipes and scoffs at her husband in front of her son, confides in him often about her husband being a possible cheat, and then sides with the Father against her son, when her son is having another episode.

The sad part for me, is that there will be no chance of healing for him as long as he is at his parents, they are merely enabling him to stay the same, providing him with money, paying large bills for him, and sharing his frequent nastiness, cynicism and criticisms of other people. They have been enabling him his whole life, through death threats, violence, financial abuse (of them) and all else.

BP often said he feels like a little boy, living in his parents shed, not respected as a man, merely an idiot. He blames them and having been involved with me. Apparently his life was perfect before he met me, and he really didn't want to be in a relationship, I pushed him into one, by seducing him!

(cough, splutter).