Cleaning up and Memos

[pari]

As a symbolic cleaning of my brain, I have began to clean my apartment and started collecting his stuff. I have already transferred a bunch back to his place over last few weeks. But there are things here and there.

At the moment, I do not want to have any memory of him. Yes, there are lots of good ones but they make me weak and I don't want to be weak. After I have healed, I do want to keep good ones.

It feels really sad to find notes, cards, pictures of travels. I am conflicted between throwing them or keeping them. Any suggestions?

I also need suggestions on gifts. He would gift me a lot of stuff, electronics, clothes. Returning gifts might rage him more but I do have a choice to part with them. But I am conflicted again. Some of them have good memories. Any suggestions here too?

I have setup a deadline for myself to clean my stuff from his place during this week. I hate to go back to his apartment where he is spending time with his new girlfriend but I guess I need to do it, for me.

I am also putting notes around the house, to keep reminding me that he is not worth my time, I am more important than him. I walk around and bump into one of them, feels good.

I am still not able to sleep and keep thinking about him. That part sucks. I have option of staying with friends and family for few days but that is escaping the situation. I have been doing that for last 1 month. I need to be strong enough to face it, for my own good. I think cleaning up is a good start.

[causticdork]

I can tell you how I handled this part of my break-up, and maybe that'll help.  When I packed up her stuff I made sure I included every single thing she brought into the house that wasn't specifically a gift.  I didn't want there to be any excuses to call me up asking where something was.  She wound up doing that anyway, but with stuff I didn't have, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't actually missing when she called.  There were some things we bought together, most of which I paid for, but the ones that she picked out and that I knew I'd never use I just went ahead and packed with her stuff.  I suppose I didn't owe it to her, but I didn't see any reason to keep it around here and reminding me of her. 

As for gifts, I kept them.  The ones that had sentimental value (jewelry and love notes and things like that) I put in a box which has sat unopened in my closet since packing it up.  Maybe someday I'll open it and remember the good things about her, but right now I have zero motivation or desire to look at any of it.  The things that had no sentimental attachment, like kitchen gadgets and electronics, I still use.  They don't make me think of her any more than getting into the bed we shared for so long every night makes me think of her.  If I wasn't going to keep them I wouldn't have given them back to her though.  I'd have found a friend who wanted them or sold them or thrown them away.  Giving them back is just taking a shot at them while they're unpacking, in my opinion.

The notes sound like a great idea.  I kind of did the same thing inside my head.  Anytime I start to think about the good things I remind myself how many things made the relationship horrible.  Sure, she held me all night and whispered how much she loved me in my ear, but she also didn't work the whole time and lied about everything and expected me to pay for everything even though she was perfectly capable of finding employment and would shut down and leave when I tried to talk about our problems and stole from me to support her drug habit.  That's usually enough to stop my reminiscing dead in its tracks.

[Surnia]

Cleaning is good for brain and soul 

My personal approach to cleaning:

I did not return gifts. But I asked myself if I would like to keep it or not.

I kept some things which are with good memories. Or things that are just neutral and useful to me. Like the coffee machine.

[tomjon78]

Well in my case I threw everyting away. Every photo, every card, everything gone. Except for a sweater and a handmade jewlery she gave me.

I don´t want anything reminding of a person who hurt me so bad!

For me it was a good thing for healing and my aim to closure.

[asher2]

I can tell you how I handled this part of my break-up, and maybe that'll help.  When I packed up her stuff I made sure I included every single thing she brought into the house that wasn't specifically a gift.  I didn't want there to be any excuses to call me up asking where something was.  She wound up doing that anyway, but with stuff I didn't have, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't actually missing when she called.  There were some things we bought together, most of which I paid for, but the ones that she picked out and that I knew I'd never use I just went ahead and packed with her stuff.  I suppose I didn't owe it to her, but I didn't see any reason to keep it around here and reminding me of her. 

As for gifts, I kept them.  The ones that had sentimental value (jewelry and love notes and things like that) I put in a box which has sat unopened in my closet since packing it up.  Maybe someday I'll open it and remember the good things about her, but right now I have zero motivation or desire to look at any of it.  The things that had no sentimental attachment, like kitchen gadgets and electronics, I still use.  They don't make me think of her any more than getting into the bed we shared for so long every night makes me think of her.  If I wasn't going to keep them I wouldn't have given them back to her though.  I'd have found a friend who wanted them or sold them or thrown them away.  Giving them back is just taking a shot at them while they're unpacking, in my opinion.

The notes sound like a great idea.  I kind of did the same thing inside my head.  Anytime I start to think about the good things I remind myself how many things made the relationship horrible.  Sure, she held me all night and whispered how much she loved me in my ear, but she also didn't work the whole time and lied about everything and expected me to pay for everything even though she was perfectly capable of finding employment and would shut down and leave when I tried to talk about our problems and stole from me to support her drug habit.  That's usually enough to stop my reminiscing dead in its tracks.

I did the exact same thing in regard to packing up all her stuff and sending it to her. I rounded up everything I could find that was hers (I mean everything... . hair ties, shoelace... . whatever I could find that was hers) and gave it back to her because I too did not want ANY excuse for her to come back and contact me. She was supposed to come and get her stuff, but of course that never happened so I did it for her.

Everything else she gave me, I pretty much got rid of. Notes and letters she wrote me, I burned (literally). I felt they were full of lies. Other things around my place I found that had to do with her, I threw away. What I found amazing was how much stuff I had at my place that actually had connection to her. It seemed like I kept finding stuff after I thought I had got rid of it all. That was somewhat difficult.

The only thing I did keep was pictures of us. However, those are stored away and I still haven't looked at them since we broke up. My thinking on keeping those is that maybe at some point in my life, I can look at them and see them for what they are... . a relationship that didn't work out. I guess I'm a "pictures guy" because to me, pictures are great insights to different moments in your life. For me, at some point in my life I think I'll want to look at them.

[xenia]

Everyone is different, but I'm a sentimental person and I rarely throw away anything a person has given me. I've been friends with people I want absolutely nothing to do with ever again, but I still have cards they've given me. I keep everything in a box, and I used to be a lot more attached to "my box" in the past. I rarely think about or look at it now. A month or so ago I was sorting things because I ran out of space and needed to rebox, and I went through and read old cards. I had a hearty laugh at many of them (from people who I want nothing to do with anymore) and it reminded me why I like to keep such things. I, personally, wouldn't send any gifts back. I feel that it's a way to hurt the other person and subconsciously get a response. If I felt such negative feelings about a gift, I'd just toss it.

[pari]

Thanks for your response everyone.

I have put this stuff in a box and fixed a day to exchange stuff. I requested that we meet somewhere outside. He still wants me to clean up my stuff from his place.

Notes and memories from Travel, I think I will split with him. Because I do want to keep good memories.

Gifts, I am using some electronics he gave me. Good thing is that I have given him something in return for the big things he  gifted me. So I don't feel like I owe him anything. I plan keep other gifts, cards and notes in a box and keep it in my memory bank.

I also plan to move all this emails to a new email id.

I am with my family, ate well and slept well last night. Doing much better.

Thank you all for helping me heal. 

[Surnia]

I am with my family, ate well and slept well last night. Doing much better.

I am glad to hear that and that you found a way to deal with it. 

[pari]

Thanks for motivation Happy Family! 

I am doing much better. Talking to friends openly about my situation and finding comfort in them. They tell me that I shouldn't even see him to drop his stuff off. Just dump it at his place and never see him. That sounds like a good plan to me.

He loved to take private pictures of me and videos of us. Mentioned a couple of times that we are so good that we should record our private moments and make money out of it. I never approved of the idea but he still took some pictures and videos for himself, for the time when we apart and he missed me. I don't want him to keep them now. Especially because I don't want to be a future p*** star. He can do anything in rage, anger and jealously. I am thinking about his reaction when I ask him to delete the stuff. He will freak out. But is getting pictures really that important? I can't decide. Would appreciate some perspectives here.