Called the police and now I don't know what to do

[HoldingAHurricane]

My husband is in the middle of the push phase and gets extremely paranoid and verbally aggressive. Yesterday, I asked him to leave because he was being really verbally abusive to me. I packed his things and told him to go. He has taken to saying lately the only way he will leave is if the police drag him away and that "he likes watching me try to make him go". I went to work and there was a tense peace after my boys got home.

He decided last night at 8pm that he wanted to bring his things in from the car and told me to take the boys for a drive. I said that I wouldn't because they were in their pj's and it was dark and raining and asked him to bring them in another time so he didn't upset the boys. He said upsetting them would be my fault since I wouldn't take them out. He began unloading his suitcases and attempting to bring them up the front steps. I fell and hurt myself trying to prevent him from entering the house with his cases. I did stop him from coming in by putting myself in his way. Eventually he gave up.

I spend the day with my son today and came home to him having made a huge mess in the house and he had placed all his luggage on the bed. He said until I packed it away he was going to sleep on the lounge. I again asked him to not do anything that would upset the boys. I told him I could not move his luggage as I had injured my knee in our altercation yesterday. He repeated his demand again and said upsetting the boys would be my fault since I was not willing to put his things away and move his luggage.

I asked him if we could take a few days to cool off and in the meantime not do anything to hurt or distress the boys. He repeated his demands and I asked him to leave if he didn't feel he could be safe around the boys. He started on his rant about only leaving if the police cuffed him and dragged him out and I said I didn't want to call the police but if it meant protecting the boys I would. He said "yeah you always say that". I got my phone and I said I wanted to find another way of working it out and he said put my things away or Ii will do what I want. So I called.

Since it was a domestic incident, they have to attend even if you don't want them too which I didn't know. They took my statement and told him he had to leave for the night. He started making accusations about me abusing him (which I NEVER have) and that this incident was because I woke him up to make him wash up (which was a TOTAL lie).

I'm really numb. He gets very paranoid and has no insight when he is in this phase. He is totally blaming me for the last few days when he started to shift from pull to push. What do I do now?

[Rose Tiger]

Did he leave?

[HoldingAHurricane]

The police made him leave and threatened to arrest him if he tried to come back tonight. He has previously broken back in by smashing the door handles off the front doors. The crap continues to hit the fan. I have emails from his sister and mother now asking what is happening as they have a paranoid, full flight raging rant from him. Obviously, the events of the night will have further triggered him and made him even more unstable.

His family are Christians and don't believe in mental illness. They have previously said they think we are immature and can't understand what all the bickering is about despite my explaining! They knew he was violent and abusive because he was to them. They knew he was unstable because he lived with them for years. But somehow now he is with me, our problems are a sign of immaturity! What am I meant to say? "Listen his therapist hasn't told him but he has BPD and this is normal behaviour for someone with BPD. So have a read about it and don't mention it to him because it can disrupt treatment".

His sister, who recalls being thrown across the room by him in a rage for no obvious reason and other acts of violence said to me tonight "I know he has broken stuff but he has never hurt anyone outside the family. I would say he wouldn't physically try and hurt you". Is she serious? He has physically hurt her!

It upsets me no end to know that he makes all kinds of false accusations against me to them and they are believed. It's a waste of time trying to tell them though, isn't it?

[KateCat]

HaH,

My goodness, you've had an awful lot of shocks in this fairly short marriage.  :'( Is he your children's father? How are the kids holding up with the recent disturbances in the home?

[HoldingAHurricane]

No, my children's father is a very stable, reliable, and nice man. We get on really well and up until now my sons have been doing well. At first my husband used the treat of leaving me as his trump card. So, atfer freaking out everything he said it and learning that just gave it more power I learned to face that and say ok, well I don't prefer that option but if you want to go I can't stop you. The he used finances to hurt me, withdrawing large sums of money from the bank so I couldn't pay bills. So, when he had a meltdown and insisted we have separate finances I said "ok, if thats what you want I will adjust" and then I kept them separate so he could no longer hurt me that way. The last thing he knows that will provoke me is my children. Even through my first divorce and after their Dad and I worked really hard to make sure they were ok. Up until now, my husband has never had a meltdown in front of them, never done anything disruptive in their presence.  But it seems to me that he is now willing to use them to get at me.

I think my boys are ok but last night was the first time anything happened in front of them and they heard us argue and came out of the house to find out what was happening. I don't want it to progress any further. I can make it a non-negotiable boundary for me but how can I ever trust he will respect it and not target the boys to get at me?

[KateCat]

Oh, I'm relieved to see that you're very aware of how this might affect the children. I don't have kids myself, but my father was an alcoholic with anger issues, so I have a special place in my heart for kids scared by parental figures. I think they'll be fine if this situation doesn't become chronic, but the issue of your kids' emotional safety is a great one to take a firm stand on, in my opinion. You can't go wrong there.

Added: I don't know how you will ever be sure he won't use the kids to get at you. Just a quick reading of your posting history makes it sound as though his thought processes are pretty disturbed. His own family may not have thought through fully how his behaviors might affect children . . . .

[SadWifeofBPD]

They knew he was violent and abusive because he was to them. They knew he was unstable because he lived with them for years. But somehow now he is with me, our problems are a sign of immaturity!

I think a number of us can relate to that.  Some of us are dealing with similar issues.  Maybe not accusations of immaturity of the couple, but that the non-spouse is somehow causing these problems. 


How long have you been married?  Since he's not the father of your kids, is there a reason to stay with him?

[Rose Tiger]

Hey HoldingaHurricane,

Here is what God says about it... .

Proverbs 15:18 A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.

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Proverbs 17:19 Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin; whoever builds a high gate invites destruction.

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Proverbs 22:24 Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered,

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Proverbs 26:21 As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome person for kindling strife.

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Proverbs 29:21 A servant pampered from youth will turn out to be insolent.

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Proverbs 30:33 For as churning cream produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife."

Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death

[Rose Tiger]

This link has a lot to say about abusive in marriage and the christian aspect:

www.dannimoss.wordpress.com/articles/abuse-in-the-christian-home/god-answers-prayer-in-abusive-marriages/

Ultimately, I came to understand I had two choices – and the choice was up to me. I could stay in my marriage, allow my daughter to grow up in an abusive home and accept the fact I would physically die. The consequences of violence is murder and death. That’s in the Word.  The Word also says death and life are in the power of the tongue.  It means that literally.  My immune system had shut down due to the constant stress and I got cancer. My body would take no more.

While I was recovering from chemo I realized every time Gary started yelling or started into one of his tirades I had an automatic, uncontrollable “fight-or-flight” reaction.  God made our bodies that way.  Our bodies release adrenalin in preparation to either fight or run.  When that happens excessively or constantly it will destroy the human immune system, leading to any auto-immune or stress-related disease there is.  These diseases can kill.  God won’t get in the way of the consequences we choose when we fail to obey the rest of His Word.

So, I could leave my daughter with an abusive father and die.  Or I could dare to trust God outside the box. God’s Word says I have a responsibility to obey civil authorities, I have a responsibility to stand up for the afflicted in my own home, including myself. God’s Word even says we are to separate ourselves from people who act the way Gary did – I dared to believe that meant me too. God says more about divorce than “I hate divorce” (see the series What the Bible Says About Divorce).

Bottom line, God wanted to answer my prayer to save me and my children from abuse. I merely had to trust Him enough to be proactive in my obedience, instead of passively waiting for a rescue boat when He gave me two feet to walk away