A year out, is it safe to say I'm off her radar?

[Deleted]

I'm going back on Facebook to reconnect with family and friends. I haven't been a fb user since I went no contact a little more than a year ago. Im sick of this fear and i hate that i had to change certain aspects of my life to maintain NC. I know mutual friends will perhaps tell her how I'm doing. I'm worried that she will try to contact me one way or another.

Since we have not seen or spoken to each other and she has had numerous partners after me, am I safe? Is it safe to say that I'm no longer on her radar and NC will be maintained?

[elessar]

She broke up May 2006... . last contact was February 2007. Next contact was September 2010. Since then it has been a roller coaster ride of heaven and hell. Officially "broken up" since August 2011 but nothing has changed. Our relationship is still the same except whenever she wants to do "single girl" stuff she has an excuse that she is single.

[Clearmind]

No!

Just because you are NC doesnt mean she is. Its possible she could contact you. What would you do and how would you feel?

[Suzn]

Are you safe from possible contact? If you had mutual friends on fb and she is still in contact with them probably not. I would explore what safe means to you. Just because someone contacts you does that mean you have to respond? It may be a shock to the gut, will you survive that? Probably.

Maybe it would be a good time to re-assess friend contacts on fb? Who in your contacts are in your life today?  

[Deleted]

I've always heard of BPD coming back after years but we are both young, she's had/have plently of partners after me and I haven't heard from her in a little more than a year so I would assume that there is absolutely no contact, ever. I wouldn't want her to contact me, I'd ignore it but of course, I would probably dwell on why she is contacting me for a few days but of course that's in her BPD script I would assume.

[xenia]

Deleted, do you have to resume your Facebook activity? I know many of us feel it's necessary, but if you are not able to communicate with your friends and family without it, and if you've been away for over a year, maybe it's not so important to your life. Personally speaking, I think not having a Facebook page is healthy, for many reasons.

[findingmyselfagain]

Deleted,

I'm not sure we are ever completely off their radar, maybe more like we are just sitting on a shelf until they think of us due to some trigger. I've been NC for nearly a year, and it's been almost 3 years since our "official" break-up. I just noticed during a Father's Day funk that she had blocked me from her FB. It's been within the last few weeks. So evidently I am/was on her mind in some fashion though we haven't had any contact. We stayed FB friends after the break-up, probably because it was so confusing to me (and probably to her as well). Things seemed really up in the air and I thought the love was real. But she and her mother dropped me once I started questioning her because it made absolutely zero sense.

I think everyone here has good advice for you. How much would contact bother you? Do you have to respond? Who do you really need as a FB friend? FB is handy but I went without for a while b/c I feared contact. Now it wouldn't bother me. I'm not sure if I would respond. I've been getting strange marketing calls and emails ever since we broke up. A lot of times I wonder if it's a form of revenge or contact. I'm over her as far as romantic feelings go unless she wins the lottery!

[Cocoalover]

Deleted,

Although we all deal with this BPD stuff differently , still they have this magic power coming back swiftly like ghosts. No wonder we are all here.

One thing worked for me but destroyed myself as thought I was strong enough to face him and not be affected! 3 years passed by, I met him and now you see me on here, hurting like before.

NC is the cure, at least it worked for me.

[GlennT]

Are you kidding? I'm five years out, and still getting emails. But then again, every borderline is different, and some never recycle.  I'm not on FB, but you should BE WARNED. Seeing you on FB  happy, and getting your life together again, may trigger their abandonment fears, especially if  they feel engulfed, or they're not getting enough narcissistic supply, from anyone else.  

[push pull]

Split dec 2010... . she rebounded, i blocked her on fb... . 5 months later i find out she was secretly lurking on my friendlist. I deactivated my account to make sure she had no access to my life.

I am certain she has since created fake linkdn accounts and tried to add me, so be hypervigilant if you're considering reactivating fb.

It seems that BPD's don't grieve the loss of an r/s in the same way healthy people do, hence the reason they jump into a rebound r/s, as this acts as a distraction from their grief, but these painful feelings emerge when the new object loses it's shine and capacity for distraction. This is when they start seeking you out many years on.

[Deleted]

Thank you all for your posts they were very helpful.

I wanted to go back on FB and reconnect with some old friends who, because of life itself, we simply lost touch. I'm actually very hesistant to go now on FB because it seems to me that BPDs have no time limit. They will contact you a year or two or even a decade later. I will not respond to her whatsoever, she's pathetic and doesn't deserve my attention. Perhaps PUSHPULl you're correct, I know for a fact my BPDex went right into a rebound after our break up but this is a effed up person going out of their way to avoid shame and grief that they have caused us. Perhaps she will contact me one way or another, ugh I'm not going to do on FB I rather just keep NC and minimize any chance of that. Thanks you all! 

[tailspin]

Deleted  

Probably not; we are always in their "reserve" file as a possible back-up plan.  If you've properly detached it really doesn't matter though... . huh.  After some time passes, you'll realize what's on their radar isn't important, because you've strengthened your own defenses.

tailspin

[Deleted]

Tailspin,

I feel as if I reached a point where I can begin to test the waters and by that I mean not have fear of bumping into her or hearing about her. I don't know but whenever friends or family randomly bought her up my stomach would be in knots. I'm beginning to realize that this relationship I had with her is starting to look more like a gift rather than a curse and she's just a human. A weak, scared, immature, little human not this superwoman with magic powers that I created in my mind. Btw I love your quote truly one of my favorites! 

[Reforming]

Hi there,

Bar a few accounts based emails I have been pretty much NC for months. I haven't seen or spoke to her since September and I have to say that NC not only feels right and healthy - it makes sense.

You need time and space to heal and in my limited experience any exposure of any kind, even a short email or a text is enough to rip the scab off deep wounds.

I suppose the really big question for you is how you would respond if she does attempt to make contact.

I've read good advice from experienced therapists who understand BPD who say that you should have some sort of plan in place to deal with the strong possibility that could happen.

I broke up a year ago and from what I've read I expect that at some stage or other she will try to make contact.

I'm not quite sure how I would deal with it but I'm expecting it to happen at some point and when it does I will go back to my list and remind myself of the reality of our relationship.

A big hug for being a year out.

[xenia]

Deleted, maybe you can phone the friends whom you wish to contact? They might be surprised and happy to hear from you that way, and you cut out the "middle man" that is Facebook.

[Deleted]

Xenia,

you're right I could phone friends or email them instead. It's just I guess I want to stop living in this sort of bubble because of her. I do realize if she does contact me I wouldn't take it that well. It would bother me a me perhaps the anger that I'm letting go of would probably return. I know she makes small talk with my family (who do not have a clue as to what happened) on social networking sites, also, there are 200+ photos of us on fb she still has up after a whole year. I figured she hasn't contacted me, no accidental bumps, calls, texts, nothing perhaps I'm out of the radar and I can not worry about her contacting me. But I rather not, perhaps, not yet.

[Deleted]

Sorry,

Perhaps I'm out the radar and I don't have to worry about her contacting me. But now, I rather not do something that may upset this balance that I've created***

[Reforming]

I would be gentle with yourself and do what feels right for you now.

My family have very little idea of what the reality of our relationship could actually be. They only saw the best of her and the good bits were good.

I think avoiding FB for a while is now bad thing

Or not. Follow your instincts and be yourself again. You may not feel it at times but you are free and you have the freedom to chose what you do

[Deleted]

Thank you reforming,

Although Facebook isn't a big deal, it's the fact that I had to essentially disappear because of one sick person who has not been in contact or in my life for more than a year and it's just wrong. I want to feel liberated, not have this worry in the back of my mind. Obviously not just with Facebook but in all aspects and perhaps facebook can get that started.

[Suzn]

Thank you reforming,

Although Facebook isn't a big deal, it's the fact that I had to essentially disappear because of one sick person who has not been in contact or in my life for more than a year and it's just wrong. I want to feel liberated, not have this worry in the back of my mind. Obviously not just with Facebook but in all aspects and perhaps facebook can get that started.

I'm one of the few that is all for Facebook. Reason being, I used it as a tool for my recovery. There are tons of pages that are all about healing and growth. I friend authors pages of book I've read, artists that I enjoy, pages belonging to chefs for recipes, I receive positive quotes daily and I can explore anything out there is that is one of my interests. I can spend hours exploring the world through fb pages. There is nothing unhealthy about that.

Here's another thing I've discovered, people have emotional ties to fb. That's where it can get tricky. It's a social network that's free to you and you get to decide who is in that space, it's yours. You can create a whole new page with your nickname and include those you want to include now if you want to.  People who ask why we aren't friends on fb I answer with I have very few friends on fb, I mainly use it for other interests. It's just facebook, we are friends in person. (with a shrug) You are right Deleted it doesn't have to be a big deal.

I had numerous attempts at contact from my ex, through other people I didn't know but had seen around, sending friend requests. I blocked them as they came in. Ex was blocked so I never heard from her directly. Anyone exhibiting any nonsense, see ya, block. If you are afraid to block people who are potential drama I wouldn't do it. If you think you will feel a need to go browse her page I would say don't do it. If you are afraid to delete/block someone who becomes drama after they are already on your friend list because you don't want to hurt their feelings, don't do it.

If you feel you are strong enough to look out for you, go for it! Have fun with your friends and family, you don't have to hide.  

[Deleted]

suzn,

Thank you for your advice. I know I won't look at her page or anything since I have her blocked and I don't get curious and accidently stumble and find something of her, doing that is counter intuitive. There's always the block button which is useful. Perhaps in a later time when I feel as if any sort of contact won't leave me saying "why did she do that? what does that mean?". Thanks!