Can't feel.

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

I can't feel anymore.

I feel like I've been emotionally, mentally, physically raped... .

over and over. I think when your raped, every day... .

you start to forget what hurt really is... . is it hurt, is it normal... .

what is that.

I dont know.

I have no idea.

She has no idea, she , me , me ,she... . I dont know who "I" am suppsoed to me,... . I never feel in my own body. Like Im another girl... . consoling anothing girl... . sitting next to another girl

I guess shes right, I am crazy huh.


You know how you say a word over and over again and it starts to sound like nothing.

Thats what my life is like.

so many times she barges into my room, I just dont care to worry about it anymore.

So many times "your stupid your crazy"... . I dont know what they mean anymore.

So many times, "I love you, I hate you"... . I dont know what they mean anymore

So many times people promise me love and A, B , C ... . and none happen... .

So many times I've trusted God, but then God is so confusing... . I just don't know anymore... . Iam to tired to learn rules and keep tally marks on myself.

you sit in your sh**** so long, that it stops smelling... . so u lay in it and stare and stare and stare... . until the wall could be a wall, could be a sea, could be nothing... .

Going home, going up going down... . taking a shower... .

what does all that mean, thats for people.

People have privacy, people have things.

I dont know how to feel like a person any longer... .


And they want to punish me by throwing me somewhere alone .


why must I be the one who pays for the mother. because I am the one.

who

is

at

fault.


She always said

"You will pay, and it will come around ... . sweetie".



I guess this is my payback.

[P.F.Change]

It sounds like you are experiencing dissociation. This is very common in traumatic situations and also is associated with depression. I have felt it before, and it was confusing and scary.

You do not deserve the treatment she gives you. She wants to believe you do so that she doesn't have to take responsibility for herself. But you have done nothing to merit this. She would still be this way even if you were 100% perfect in every way. It is not your fault. You do not deserve to suffer for your mother's shortcomings.

God is not like your mother. He is not keeping tally marks on you. I do know what it is like to get so numb I couldn't even feel Him anymore. My faith was important to me and it felt even more disorienting to wonder if any of it was even real. But I was emotionally numb because I had no other way to survive the pain... . once I got to safety, my ability to perceive started coming back. Just because you can't feel Him doesn't mean He isn't there.  You are real, too. And you matter very much.

Are you still in touch with your therapist? Do you feel ready to look again at options for a safer place to stay?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[P.F.Change]

P.S. I have been thinking about my last post. I know you are a Christian, so if it is ok I would like to clarify something I said earlier about God not keeping tally marks. If you want to skip this post have it removed, that is ok too.

I don't want to imply we're not accountable for our actions. But I believe God doesn't hold things against us and that He does not get angry with us or want to punish us. He also does not hold us accountable for other people's faults. We have talked before about my mother using religion against me. She skewed my understanding of God and I thought He must hate me and be so disappointed in me. But I see now He always loves us, unconditionally, whether we're right or wrong, and always has pity on us. There is a prayer I like that says He "loves the just and has mercy upon the sinner, calling ALL to salvation through the promise of good things to come." I guess my point is that there is value to examining our hearts and our actions, but He loves us whether or not we get all the "rules" right. You are suffering much. But your God suffers with you, my dear.

I understand dissociation feels very disorienting and confusing. But it does not mean you're crazy. It means you're doing what you can to survive. When it happens, I think it is also a good sign that we could use some professional support before the pressure gets to be too much to bear. 

Looking forward to hearing back from you.


PF

[ScarletOlive]

Hey there DontGiveUpOnMe,

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. These are normal responses to abnormal events. I know it feels crazy, but you most certainly are not crazy. When you can turn your wall into the ocean or sit beside yourself to hold your body, those are times when your mind is trying to console you. And it's okay. Your upbringing was crazy and horrible, but you have done what you must to survive. You are not at fault here. Your mother is placing the blame on you, but that does not mean that you really are the one to blame.

For now, can you lock your door? Are you able to tell your T how you feel? Keep posting, hun. We're here for you and care very much.

[Befuddled 7x70]

I agree with PF Change - - - - I did want to mention that your poem was really moving and I enjoyed the symbolism.  It really captures being a child (even adult children) living in the house with nada.  I was gifted with an amazing ability to fantasize about anything, anywhere, any time.  It was my escape from my nada.  Now, at 38, I cannot remember MOST of my childhood but I can remember a lot of my amazing fantasies and I thank God for giving the ability to find a way out of the crazy-ness without losing my mind.

God is still there, even if you resent Him for putting you in this situation.  I, too, struggled with who He is and why He allows things to happen.  Honestly, I believe that He just wants you to call out for Him and rest in His presence through your struggles.  He desires people to desire Him.  Nowhere does He ever promise life will be easy, but He does promise to be with us.  Look for him in your poetry, look for him in your ability to step aside from your nada and not let it bother you, look for him in friends or strangers who brighten your day.  This too shall pass and you will be able to get away from her.  You will be able to get out of Oz and take steps to heal.  What God will do is be there as you take your steps.  He will open doors for your recovery.  He will point you to people or places that will enhance your life.  There is a reason and your life can be an amazing thing.  "Adversity, and perseverance and all these things can shape you. They can give you a value and a self-esteem that is priceless." Scott Hamilton

Once you get past this your strength, courage and determination to survive can take you to new heights - if you are willing to trust God and not cave in to self-pity.  Blessings to you - this is the worst part of the journey but there is light at the end.  An everlasting peaceful light that will love you and make you FEEL loved.

[Rubies]

When our psych takes measures to dull the pain, it also dulls all feelings.  We feel nothing.  No pleasure, no nothing.  We exist under one big, thick callus.

You are way ahead of where I was at your age, as you are here.  I was told this treatment was Love and Discipline.  Other parents didn't love their kids as much they loved me.   I was in my late 20s, pregnant with my first child when blocked memories came flooding back when the horrible things they said to me were said to and about my niece. 

I too am a Christian raised in church.  "What father when his child asks for bread hands him a snake? (or a rock)"   Mine, every freakin' time!  Asking for anything from anyone in my family only brought ridicule, devaluation and punishment.

It's been a long road to recovery.  I ended up with husband with BPD.  I met him in church.  My youngest DD have been in weekly therapy since sept. 2010.  I am no contact and low contact with the BPDs, abusers and negative people.  My callus is gone, I feel JOY, I am a new person, a happy person.  I don't let anyone mess with that.

I follow Jesus Christ of the Bible, not church doctrine, not doctrines of men.  I don't have to be a snake handler, I can crush their heads with the heel of my boot.  God said so.

Honey, the Mom in me wants to bundle you up and whisk you out of there to a place of healing.  Please set your sight on that day you can legally say, "No more," and walk out and receive your healing.  Meanwhile, you're doing what I did, laying the groundwork and foundation for when you have the freedom to have it.