Why Do They Want To Remain Friends

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

OMG.  You can count my ex in this category as well.  He's "friends" with countless exes.  Being with him was like constantly putting out fires when these boundaryless women popped up.

It also felt like I was "teaching" him about what was acceptable versus unacceptable in a relationship.  It was exhausting.  I mean how do you NOT KNOW that telling your current girlfriend that you have plans to go visit and sleep on the couch at your ex girlfriend's house?  Then he reels it in and says of course he wouldn't do that... . he's just being dense, apologizes, etc. 

I'm just sick over the whole thing... . coming out of this has me not knowing which way is up or down.

[Tadpole45]

OMG.  You can count my ex in this category as well.  He's "friends" with countless exes.  Being with him was like constantly putting out fires when these boundaryless women popped up.

It also felt like I was "teaching" him about what was acceptable versus unacceptable in a relationship.  It was exhausting.  I mean how do you NOT KNOW that telling your current girlfriend that you have plans to go visit and sleep on the couch at your ex girlfriend's house?  Then he reels it in and says of course he wouldn't do that... . he's just being dense, apologizes, etc. 

I'm just sick over the whole thing... . coming out of this has me not knowing which way is up or down.

[willtimeheal]

My ex BPD has no friends except her family. An  they are all just as screwed up as she is. I think that is.  Huge red flag... . no friends. One thing g I have learned in this big old mess is always trust your gut. When I first met her I was taken back by how beautiful she was... . supermodel quality. She invited me to her house and I went later that evening. When I got there a bunch a people showed up and they all got drunk. I felt it in my gut that night that I should stay away. That I didn't belong there. So when they say trust your gut... . trust it. Cuz here I am four years later dealing with the emotional damage from her. And I don't see it ending anytime soon. She still says she loves me and I have to admit I still love her her but she is not sure she can trust me. Can u believe that?  Not trust me. She  was the one who broke up with me and two week  later was moving in with a guy but professing her love to me. She want  her life with me. I offered it to her and she said she will think about it. So she is setting up house with this dude and thinking whether she wants me. Yeah lady like I am waiting around for you. Does she think that I am that stupid to give her all my power?  I know  it's wrong but as she sits and gets her fix off of thinking she has me an  her dude right where she wants us... . when she comes looking for me I will be no where to be found. I hope that bit·h rots!

[changingme]

I think it's really simple... . to ease THEIR guilt!  nothing more, nothing less.  If you couldve remanined "friends," then chances are you BOTH wouldve had the skills to make the r/s work!

And since this is probably the most unreciprocated relationship that you will ever encounter, being "friends" is just their way to justify in their own minds that they are "good people."

I have to agree with mcc503764 I think you hit it on the head here. I think it is a guilt thing and for my situation I also think it is a way for him to hold on for whenever he thinks he will become unconfused and figure out what (who) he really wants.  He knows he can't make it work, so he tries to make it work through the little he can offer; a friendship. 

[eniale]

Thanks one and all for your insight and sharing your experiences.  As I mentioned in personal messages to some of you, I responded to his initial email (I broke the relationship up due to his cheating) as I was curious if, after all this time, he might apologize.  Of course, he didn't.  This as all about easing his conscience and finding out how I was doing. Plus I think things are not going well with his new woman, so he may even be realizing how stupid he was, which makes his shame/guilt worse.  It's always about them, of course.  So now I am breaking contact again, once and for all.  This was the first time we have had contact in 4 mos. & will be the last.

[pari]

I spoke to my ex briefly yesterday.

He again began suggesting me to take it cool and easy. That nothing has changed. He still thinks about me as much as he did last week, and a month before and a year before. That he has not moved on, emotionally. He still wants a life with me.  I said, this is confusing. This is not fair to the girl he is seeing now. He says, life is not fair. :P He just wants to be happy and not lonely. Then he began to describe how wonderful I am and how much I still mean to him.

When I said, I am still confused. This is still confusing and I don't understand what his intentions are. He said, He wants a life with me but he knows he can't have it. Hence he is not going to put any effort in it and try to focus on his new life. Since I am such an amazing person (what for him to flip out and paint me black), he wants to friends with me because he would need support/help at some point in life. And he wants to be there to help me too. This is all a lie. Last Sunday, when I was lying next to him, choking, he was checking apps on his new phone. Can I really call this person for help? Never.

It's all about them. Their ego. Sometimes I feel like he wants to flaunt me among his social circle.

I am still scared about going NC because 1) He might flip out and do crazy stuff in rage 2) That he is gonna give me guilt that I said something else earlier (, "I will be there for you always", "I will take care of you", "I am gonna feed you well" and changed my statements later. That he can't trust me.

He says I shouldn't have any fear and it's ironic most of my fears are because of him.

[KellyO]

I am still scared about going NC because 1) He might flip out and do crazy stuff in rage 2) That he is gonna give me guilt that I said something else earlier (, "I will be there for you always", "I will take care of you", "I am gonna feed you well" and changed my statements later. That he can't trust me.

Reality check: what would happen if scenarios 1 and 2 would come true? What would really happen? How it would affect your life, or you? Would you die? Would you loose your income, your family, your ______ (please fill the blank). Woud it be the end of the world? Would sky fall down? Really, what would happen?

You are afraid of your own reactions to things HE might do in response to your (righful) intend to protect yourself and move on with YOUR life.

I use reality checks like that all the time. It is really helpful (thank you Byron Katie for teaching me this). I want to do something and then I start to imagine all the terrible ways other people might react. Then I realize it is all in my head, mostly I'm afraid of myself and it is not my business what other people might do or not do. It is their business. Learn to separate yourself from other people. You are not responsible for their reactions and their feelings.

Always remember you will not die. Your thoughts don't kill you, your feelings don't kill you, your ex won't kill you (and if you are afraid he might then please, call to authorities right away). You are afraid of nonsense.

[pari]

You are afraid of your own reactions to things HE might do in response to your (righful) intend to protect yourself and move on with YOUR life.

So true KellyO, this is so true. I am afraid of my hurt and emotional response to his actions. I am afraid of hurting more. But you know what, if I don't do that, I am gonna continue to hurt more. And nobody else but me can put a stop there. I need to take care of my self.

You are afraid of nonsense.

You read my mind dear. This is true. I am afraid of my own fears. I need to be stronger and take a strong decision to protect me. He can't do and shouldn't be allowed to do any more damage than he has done before. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 

[willtimeheal]

Kelly o you nailed it.

Live your own life. What I have found with my ex BPD is they are very good at making threats but that is about all they are good at. Remember they are a three year old child screaming and stomping their feet to get attention. I have been threaten with her exposing my deepest fear to calling the police on me. I have been told over and over "you are going to be so sorry. No body messes with me."  Bottom line is most don't have  the balls to do anything. I just respond by saying... . do what you need to do and I forgive you. This makes her blood boil because I refuse to engage. For a long long time I let her control me with fear. Take your power back. it took me a while but I realize now that even if she did tell expose my deepest secrets and fears... . I would be ok. I have friends and family who love and support me. Which is something she doesn't have and I think that scare  her more because that was always a jealous factor in our relationship... . I had friends she didn't. Stay strong.

[pari]

ExBPD just called to say he is sick. He says 'I have got your fever'  (because I have been sick for few days) Reminded me That I was really good at taking care of him, especially when he was sick. I said, you can ask your new gf to get to medicine and food. He goes, ah she has got her own life and I am just a small part of it (not even a week and he is already complaining about her) . I told him to call me in case of any medical emergency( why is it so hard to be selfish, especially when someone is sick. It's one of my weaknesses).  Closing line was 'I don't know what to do, what to want these days'

So that want to be friends so

- they can use us as emotional tempon

- they can complaint about their new partners

- they know that we care about them, and that's why they want to count on us in case of help

- to gain sympathy by playing with our emotions

At the end, it's all about them

[mcc503764]

At the end, it's all about them

AND THIS IS ALL YOU NEED TO REMEMBER WITH THESE PEOPLE!

[willtimeheal]

Take care of yourself. Don't do anything for him. If you were sick and needed him would he be there for you?  As hard as it is stay away. He is poison. Stay strong and do not reply. Block his number do whatever u have to do  take care of yourself. You have him nothing. People get sick and get fevers. It's a fact of life.

[KellyO]

You read my mind dear. This is true. I am afraid of my own fears. I need to be stronger and take a strong decision to protect me. He can't do and shouldn't be allowed to do any more damage than he has done before. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 

Of course I read your mind! It works like mine did  Believe me, when I had to deal with my ex-bf I almost vomited from fear. I'm codependent, of course I was worried sick  that I might disappoint someone. Now I let them worry about their thoughts. When you get that far, the fact is that you really just don't care anymore. And when you care, it is genuine and not just fear of being selfish or not being liked.

BTW, that part were your ex said that you were always so good in taking care of him... . I have heard that too. You know, it is supposed to be a compliment. It is discusting. When I heard something like that from my ex I genuinely felt like I was a dog that was patted on the head, because it managed to please it's master. Damn, again other thing I want to shove right down that guys throat.

[eniale]

Thank you, one and all, your replies were very helpful.  I only had very limited contact, as I thought perhaps I might get an apology, or at least an "I'm sorry."  No such thing.  He is incapable of taking responsibility for his actions and I think now he's in a stew as his new woman is not working out for him.  This probably worsened his shame/guilt for destroying our relationship with his cheating and he really did want to know I was doing o.k.  He always fails at relationships.  After telling him I was, I let him have it & told him he had caused me a lot of pain.  Let him stew in it.  He deserves to.  I am a compassionate person & know this is a mental disorder, but it causes such pain and destruction!  So now it is permanent NC for me.  Thanks again.

[willtimeheal]

You will not get an apology or an I'm sorry.  If you do it will be followed by a string of reason and excuses as to why he did what he did.  My BPD used to tell me she never wanted to see anyone hurt me or ever see me sad but then she would lay into me with the insults and put downs.  and then a half hour later wonder why I was upset.  They are incapable of feeling sorry or apologizing.  And I don't care if they have had a tough life.  people have tough lives.  It doesn't give anyone the right to put down others or make them feel less than who they are.  They picked us because we are good people and we care.  Part of the problem is we let them do this to us and we hve to stop it.  You won't get an apology so stop looking for one.  He is crazy! 

[danley]

Apologizing is about putting yourself in someone else's shoes and realizing how you could have knowingly or unknowingly caused offense or a boundary of sorts to be broken. It's admitting your part in doing something wrong. It let's the person know you respect them and want to make amends with the matter at hand. You both don't have to agree but you apologize because at the minimum you realize that you may have did something wrong(at least in the other persons eyes).

Simply, in many people and not just BPD... . No apology means:

Their feet are SUPER GLUED to their OWN shoes.

[londonD]

I think it's really simple... . to ease THEIR guilt!  nothing more, nothing less.  If you couldve remanined "friends," then chances are you BOTH wouldve had the skills to make the r/s work!

And since this is probably the most unreciprocated relationship that you will ever encounter, being "friends" is just their way to justify in their own minds that they are "good people."

I have to agree with mcc503764 I think you hit it on the head here. I think it is a guilt thing and for my situation I also think it is a way for him to hold on for whenever he thinks he will become unconfused and figure out what (who) he really wants.  He knows he can't make it work, so he tries to make it work through the little he can offer; a friendship. 

My ex wife was seeing my replacement 6 weeks after the end (he was on her "books" since December 2013), we have a 2 year old son. Turns out the guy was a friend of a friend and get this, hes a psychiatrist.

I've seen messages between them and after 3 dates she is asking his advice on life changing decisions, needs assistance with this, that and the other. Like with me, generally needy behavior. She needs general support with EVERYTHING.

At this time I was split black as she had him. Low and behold he finishes it with her, she blames me (for knowing him, he clearly heard some stories from my friend he works with)and now she wants to be my friend and is talking about how much love there was in our relationship etc etc. I need to work on myself and see what happens.

I think a recycle is on her agenda.

[Infared]

Apologizing is about putting yourself in someone else's shoes and realizing how you could have knowingly or unknowingly caused offense or a boundary of sorts to be broken. It's admitting your part in doing something wrong. It let's the person know you respect them and want to make amends with the matter at hand. You both don't have to agree but you apologize because at the minimum you realize that you may have did something wrong(at least in the other persons eyes).

I don't know if the word "wrong" is correct... .perhaps "you may have done something that violates the other person's values and morals, maybe... .but I know we are getting at the same thing but I am perhaps struggling for the words.

Yes... .I had always wanted that ... .recognition and apology.  I think that requires empathy, but from everything have read here, pwBPD are incapable of empathy or apology.  In their world it is "winner take all" and we were not in a competition to begin with. We were in a relationship. Now I am sure that my ex was not. I don't know exactly what she was in with me ... .but it had nothing to do with where I was regarding her.  I find it hard to believe that is possible ... .but everything points to that.  Also, mine had no concept of friendship.    She had no "real" friends.    That requires boundaries, empathy, acknowledging boundaries and respecting them. That is not something that my pwBPD was capable of. Not at all. So if she had no real, dependable, healthy friends... .how can I expect a friendship with me?

[HardLesson]

From my experience, it comes from the frantic fear of abandonment that is at the core of BPD. It is a cognitive manipulation (during moments of clarity) designed to be a "backup plan" in case plan "A" fails (which frequently does because of the instability of any interpersonal relationships going forward or backwards)  In short, they KNOW plan "A" will eventually fail, and the avoidance of real or perceived abandonment is paramount.

[Infared]

From my experience, it comes from the frantic fear of abandonment that is at the core of BPD. It is a cognitive manipulation (during moments of clarity) designed to be a "backup plan" in case plan "A" fails (which frequently does because of the instability of any interpersonal relationships going forward or backwards)  In short, they KNOW plan "A" will eventually fail, and the avoidance of real or perceived abandonment is paramount.

EXACTLY! Not capable of real friendship. It's a mental illness... .but it still boils down to the same thing.