Adult son of a borderline mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am in my forties now.  I believe that I am the son of an undiagnosed Borderline mother and a Narcissist.  I was terrorized by her when I was a child and still feel the effects of her abuse.  She portrayed my brother as the golden child, the only good one and would say that I was the black sheep of the family.  He became the doctor in the family.  When I went for help when I was a young adult, she would scream at me that I was a sicko and that I needed help and that I was a mother hater.  She would call me the "f" word constantly, and my father would just say, don't get her started.  And when I would complain about the abuse, he would say, but she cooks and cleans for you.  He would be abused constantly by my mother, but he covered up for her illness by saying, well she cooks and cleans for you, and she loves you.  

My mother was very mild in public and people thought that she was sweet, but she was so violent, humiliating and abusive in the home.  She even pulled a knife out of the kitchen draw and in her rage, threatened to kill me.  She would scream so loud that you could hear her outside of her home across the street.  She would scream so loud that she went hoarse, and then she would cry like a baby on the floor.  I felt furious towards her and sorry for her, and I have felt all of my life like the bad person she portrayed me as, or projected onto me.

And she was also a narcissist.  Maybe some of these behaviors overlap.  When I came home from school with great grades, she would say, tell me the truth, would you have gotten good grades if it wasn't for me.  You would have gotten all F's.  When I did something she didn't like, she would say:  do what you want, you're no longer a reflection of me.  When I started becoming interested in girls, she would say, what nice girl would want you or go out and find a tramp and get married. I loved the arts and have always had gifts in that area.  But they weren't valued by her.  She made fun of my art, saying that it was  and people only told me they liked it to be nice, but they laughed at me behind my back. It was hell growing up there.  I never got married, have had trouble bonding or feeling safe in relationships and now have developed heart issues.  I have felt like a failure much of my adult life because my life never really took off personally or professionally.  I always felt that as the "black sheep" I deserved to have terrible things happen to me as punishment for being "hateful" towards my mother.  Hard to post this, I feel disloyal and scared.

I have gotten some help, gone to support groups, and have grown, but I isolate and have trouble forming close, intimate relationships, particularly with women and pursuing the things I love.  And I have anxiety that I'm going to deserve to die young and have continued illness.  Neither the BPD, nor anyone else in my family of origin acknowledges the depth of her disease, and I have often felt without help and very unsafe.  My father never protected me and invalidated my reality.  I still have a hard time holding onto the reality that all of these things happened and that my mother has this illness.  She would abuse and then deny even saying or doing these things, and act like I was the bad one, persecuting her.  I am looking to grow and to really be happy for the first time in my life, and to get free of the terrible oppression I have felt most of my life.

[Calsun]

I am in my forties now.  I believe that I am the son of an undiagnosed Borderline mother and a Narcissist.  I was terrorized by her when I was a child and still feel the effects of her abuse.  She portrayed my brother as the golden child, the only good one and would say that I was the black sheep of the family.  He became the doctor in the family.  When I went for help when I was a young adult, she would scream at me that I was a sicko and that I needed help and that I was a mother hater.  She would call me the "f" word constantly, and my father would just say, don't get her started.  And when I would complain about the abuse, he would say, but she cooks and cleans for you.  He would be abused constantly by my mother, but he covered up for her illness by saying, well she cooks and cleans for you, and she loves you.  

My mother was very mild in public and people thought that she was sweet, but she was so violent, humiliating and abusive in the home.  She even pulled a knife out of the kitchen draw and in her rage, threatened to kill me.  She would scream so loud that you could hear her outside of her home across the street.  She would scream so loud that she went hoarse, and then she would cry like a baby on the floor.  I felt furious towards her and sorry for her, and I have felt all of my life like the bad person she portrayed me as, or projected onto me.

And she was also a narcissist.  Maybe some of these behaviors overlap.  When I came home from school with great grades, she would say, tell me the truth, would you have gotten good grades if it wasn't for me.  You would have gotten all F's.  When I did something she didn't like, she would say:  do what you want, you're no longer a reflection of me.  When I started becoming interested in girls, she would say, what nice girl would want you or go out and find a tramp and get married. I loved the arts and have always had gifts in that area.  But they weren't valued by her.  She made fun of my art, saying that it was  and people only told me they liked it to be nice, but they laughed at me behind my back. It was hell growing up there.  I never got married, have had trouble bonding or feeling safe in relationships and now have developed heart issues.  I have felt like a failure much of my adult life because my life never really took off personally or professionally.  I always felt that as the "black sheep" I deserved to have terrible things happen to me as punishment for being "hateful" towards my mother.  Hard to post this, I feel disloyal and scared.

I have gotten some help, gone to support groups, and have grown, but I isolate and have trouble forming close, intimate relationships, particularly with women and pursuing the things I love.  And I have anxiety that I'm going to deserve to die young and have continued illness.  Neither the BPD, nor anyone else in my family of origin acknowledges the depth of her disease, and I have often felt without help and very unsafe.  My father never protected me and invalidated my reality.  I still have a hard time holding onto the reality that all of these things happened and that my mother has this illness.  She would abuse and then deny even saying or doing these things, and act like I was the bad one, persecuting her.  I am looking to grow and to really be happy for the first time in my life, and to get free of the terrible oppression I have felt most of my life.

[DreamFlyer99]

Wow and wow.

I feel ya on this one--except I was the "good girl" even though I still got plenty of crap heaped on me when my 2 other siblings stopped speaking to my mother. Guess she had to have somewhere to dump it! And I have no trouble believing every single word of what you say she did, my sister used to say that the movie "Mommy Dearest" was nothing compared to our mother. I just have a lot of big blank spaces in my brain where memories should be.

My therapist and I had arrived at the thought that my mother was likely Narcissistic, but when I started reading Randi Kreger's book "Stop Walking On Eggshells" (about BPD) I realized my mother was all over those pages! Yes, those 2 personality issues interrelate, boy do they.

i'm nearly 60 and i'm finding hope for things I can do to get past all it takes to deal with that sort of person. Maybe that's why I didn't realize my H probably was BPD because he doesn't do as much off the hook stuff as my mother used to, he's more the rager and the turn-everything-back-on-me sort. At any rate, YES you can have success at the young age of 40! LOL! i'm reading my way through the "lessons" they have on this site, and so far I've changed from dragging my tail on the ground to a slightly perkier step. Stay with it and see what happens!

I do know how deeply those words of your mother can speak to you. My therapist has really helped me learn to speak truth to myself.

I don't know if "enjoy" your journey is exactly accurate, but I kinda am mine!

[Suzn]

Hello Calson  

I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this with your mother.   I can see in your words how painful this has been for you. You've come to the right place for support, many members here with BPD parents who all understand what you've dealt with. I'm very glad you have found us.

It's understandable you would feel disloyal and scared however you matter. Your reaching out took a lot of courage and you deserve to learn more about how to move forward and heal. There is tons of information here to help you better understand your mother. Her behavior had nothing to do with you.

Knowledge is empowering, these links may be helpful to get you started:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

Positive entitlement--taking the initiative to share in life's riches

What does your relationship with your mother look like today? Have you considered a therapist for support with what you've been up against? Therapists can offer so much insight into our lives.

Looking forward to hearing back from you, welcome to our family Calsun.  

[Asa]

Calsun: your words spoke to my experiences as well. I just joined this weekend, or rather rejoined, as I was a member years ago to overcome an uBPDx. I feel your words and I extend some beautiful words that were shared with me: feel free to dump here, let it all out. You are in the right place to start healing; welcome.

I would like to point out your words express a particular clearness and sanity, in that you know what you have endured is not normal, OK, or deserved in any way. It is angering and bewildering, and I can't even imagine how a parent could do the things any of our parents here have done to such beautiful, playful, curious, and innocent children. I am in my late 40's and never had children. I wish I did. It had been so torturous to see people with children who, IMHO, were not capable of washing their own hands, let alone take care of another human being. I'm better now. Still no kids. No one in my life. Live alone. With cats (insert joke here-now why did I just say that? Oh yeah, to beat everyone else to the punch because I've been conditioned to expect it).

I have 2 older brothers, none of us are married. My oldest (I have issues with him and wonder what his psychopathy is) only once, about 30 years ago, had a relationship for 5 years. The other, whom I love dearly, is finally in a relationship of about 2 years or so, and I truly wish those 2 to get married. I was married for 10 years, divorce about 7 years ago. Dated since, but nothing significant, except the last one, who belongs in another thread.

The point is that here are 3 grown children, ages 48 to 51, of an undiagnosed BPD or NPD, or both, who can't find, or maintain a committed relationship. We all long for one. I have every hope for the middle sibling.  I've tried and would love to explore why.

Your art intrigues me. What is your medium? Please don't let anyone stop you from expressing yourself, and sharing your art! Art evokes emotion: you are sharing, and the viewer is interpreting. At least you elicited an emotion from your mom! I'm saying that with a smile, a wink, and a nudge. Promise me you will continue to grow your art... . :-).  For me, it is my tenuous grip on sanity. I require art, for life.

My first couple days back on these boards I felt so much head-splitting anger and crying. I am  already improving. You will, too. Keep posting.

I just picked up a copy of the recommended book "Understanding the Borderline Mother." I wish I could insert it into my brain for immediate relief, I so desperately want to laugh, be social, go out with friends... . but it is so important to me to withdraw yet again so I can focus on reading this book and learn. This is what my next few weeks will look like. Reading and checking in on these forums and resources. Let me know if you start reading it too, or if you find other resources especially helpful. I'm starting with that book.

Best wishes,

Asa

[Calsun]

Thank you for the support!  I am really coming to terms with how frightening all of this has been, how deeply I was affected by my mother's abuse.  My home was a place where my body and my being was under attack constantly, and I was always on guard for the Borderline's attack.  And the most confusing part of it all, and it is still difficult to reconcile this, is that it came from my mother, the person that was supposed to love and protect me.   That person who was supposed to love you more than anyone was constantly trying to inflict pain on me, constantly trying to hurt me, even though it came often in the guise of "discipline" and making me better.  It created such a worrisome and confusing situation for me.  What do you trust?  Do you trust your perceptions?  Dad is saying that you've got it all wrong, that Mom is really good to you.  Mom is saying that she is wonderful, and that you're the problem.  But I understand now that to have lived with a borderline mother is an extreme situation, one which is disturbing to stability, to developing intimate bonds, one in which reality is highly distorted.  And it's violent, emotionally, and with my B mother, physically. And being attacked, not being listened to or understood, being attacked and her looking for opportunities to attack.  There is no intimacy with that. And it was from the person that I looked to as a helpless child for love, protection and support.  I do believe there is hope though, and I really do appreciate this community and this forum for sharing and healing.

Thanks again!

Calsun

[Islandgrl]

Hey Calsun

I don't have time to post much at the moment as I have to get to work but I just wanted to say I was really moved by your initial post and my thoughts are with you.  I was the no good child of my uBPD mother and I experienced so much of the behaviour you describe from my mother.  She attacked me with a knife a couple of times, she would claim credit for my academic success (even though she would attack me and throw my school notes in the garden) and she would scream and rage then either deny it later or say it was my fault that I didn't "help" her. So I can definitely relate as can many others on here.  I'll try to post more later but I hope that you can get to a place where you understand that her behaviour doesn't say anything about you, only about her.  Your posts are clear and articulate and I hope you can get some support on here that will help you move forward. 

[mil-bpd/npd]

I'm so sorry for the pain you feel. Usually the wonderful child is the one they need to stomp on the most. You can't be warm and happy when they want you miserable.

I was once told that we do not really love what we fear. You have the power to walk away, you just don't know it yet.

Keep reading and growing stronger. We are here for you.

Do one small thing for you today.

[DreamFlyer99]

That person who was supposed to love you more than anyone was constantly trying to inflict pain on me, constantly trying to hurt me,

Calsun

Yup, that was always my point of craziness with my mother, and has been with my uBPDh, the source of much angst!