Oh man, was I painting him black this weekend!
I've mentioned on the boards a few times that I'm perimenopausal Not fun at all. I have an inside peek as to what (I would imagine) it feels like to have BPD... .
So my pwBPD was in push mode last week, he's untreated. He wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary (for him) while in this phase and has always managed to regulate himself without too much fanfare. I'm usually able to take it with a grain of salt, while staying grounded in my own life.
Problem was, my own life has a lot of upheaval right now, just some personal things that have been weighing on my mind, that need tending to, that have nothing to do with him. My mixed up perimenopausal emotions sure made my feelings = facts where he was concerned, though! Shew, let me tell ya... .
I sent him a text canceling something we had planned together. Didn't feel like talking, as I'm emotional and wanted to just cancel and be by myself. It was nice enough, just didn't go into detail about what was going on with me.
So he called to see if everything was alright.
Just hearing his voice brought up all kinds of things about the past week, that I had of course been brewing about and amplifying in my mind (because I'm emotional!), but I was so passive-aggressive; yuck.
I never came out and said he did anything wrong, but my tone was pretty accusatory, when he was asking if it had anything to do with him. It made me mad that he was making it about him, when it was totally and completely about me and my whacky emotions! ... . About a bunch of other things, that I was wanting to aim directly at him! But, knew enough not to... . But... .
He asked if I was mad at him. I said no. He asked what I am AT him. I said nothing, I am
nothing at you. But the tone in which I said it, was pretty below the belt. And then I hung up. So mature.
I have to admit that I was wanting him to call and console me, after pushing him away pretty hard. I wanted him to read my mind. He didn't call, nor did he the next morning. Can't really blame him.
I started to come out of my menopausal fog and decided there are a few ways to go about this... . 1) Either wait around and
hope that he is eventually able to read my mind
2) Call him up and tell him exactly how I felt about his push away phase to begin with. Or 3) Own up to my end of it and take it from there... . Which is what I did.
I sent a peace offering text, to please call me when he got the chance. That the phone call had everything to do with my own freaked out hormones and not being able to make sense of them or able to express what was going on clearly.
He called in less than a minute, thanking me for the text.
I explained what was going on in my life and that I was feeling pretty alone with it all. That it made me feel frustrated he was making it about him, when it was about me. And that had he pushed for more info, I could make it about him, alright! We laughed. Asked if I could lean on him for support. He said, 'Of course, thanks for letting me know what's going on'. He even validated the fact that it must feel awful having so many issues going on at once and that today was all about me and what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go
We're in a good place right now. And I feel better for having opened up to him without throwing the kitchen sink at him. That sometimes it is me who needs space to make sense of things. He understood that completely
