Why don't more people block their EX's phone number?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Alright... . perhaps I'm just a bit of an "all or nothing" person, but when I decided to go NC with my ex, I really did it. I blocked her phone number, facebook, twitter, instagram, chat programs.  EVERYTHING, except email, which can't really be blocked.  I suppose I could have it send her emails to spam as well but she only sent me a couple before giving up on that.

But I read a lot of people struggling with texts and messages they're getting from their EX's that they've decided to go NC with.  

So my question is, why don't more people just block everything?  Then you won't have to deal with any of it.  Am I missing something?  Am I potentially doing some kind of unknown damage to my ex or myself but not even giving her an outlet to reach me?  

[Tordesillas]

Alright... . perhaps I'm just a bit of an "all or nothing" person, but when I decided to go NC with my ex, I really did it. I blocked her phone number, facebook, twitter, instagram, chat programs.  EVERYTHING, except email, which can't really be blocked.  I suppose I could have it send her emails to spam as well but she only sent me a couple before giving up on that.

But I read a lot of people struggling with texts and messages they're getting from their EX's that they've decided to go NC with.  

So my question is, why don't more people just block everything?  Then you won't have to deal with any of it.  Am I missing something?  Am I potentially doing some kind of unknown damage to my ex or myself but not even giving her an outlet to reach me?  

[xenia]

"No contact" is hard for a lot of people. Sometimes I think blocking everything is a knee-jerk reaction, and it doesn't work because it's like forcing yourself to diet when you really don't want to, and then you binge. Also, "no contact" is supposed to be for your emotional health, and not a punishment for the BPD person in your life. It seems to me that people do it because they're supposed to... . not because they want to, and they're reacting instead of being proactive. My suspected BPD friend used the silent treatment a lot. The times I employed "no contact" where the times I didn't want to reach out and then be stung by the possibility of her not responding. When I'd healed enough to be able to withstand a non-response to my communication, I contacted her to give myself closure. I'm sure from her end, my "no contact" looked like tit-for-tat. I doubt she will contact me again, but if she does, I have a prepared response I will give her letting her know I can't continue a friendship with someone who refuses to communicate with me when something is wrong. I know the solution on these boards is to ignore them, but that's not my way. I like people to know where they stand with me, and I know how hurtful it is not to have closure, so I give it to people when I can.

Maybe that's not the "right" way to handle someone who is unstable, but it's true to who I am. But my situation is a lot different. Angry outbursts and the silent treatment were the brunt of my abuse. I understand why others may need to take more drastic measures.

[Tordesillas]

I hear you... . and obviously every case is different.  I get that NC is difficult.  Believe me... . I'd never suggest that it is.  But I figure most people who've decided they're not going to respond to their ex don't need the torture they put themselves through by exposing themselves to the messages their ex is sending.  That certainly isn't easy either.

I  know that it would be a much more painful and difficult process if I had to see the messages my ex has tried to send.  And I'm sure there were lots of them.  Everything from hostile attacking to loving manipulation.  I think ultimately I'm better able to focus on me when I don't have to waste emotional strength holding up a shield to brace myself against her messages at the same time.  

[accordez-ons]

I blocked my exPWBD's phone number, but she switched to email for harassment. I just set up a vacation responder to autoreply only to her with a fake error message saying the message had been rejected. She still shows up to harass me at my house right as I'm getting home from work. It drives me crazy. She's also trying to move just a block away from me. NC is hard.

[Tordesillas]

I blocked my exPWBD's phone number, but she switched to email for harassment. I just set up a vacation responder to autoreply only to her with a fake error message saying the message had been rejected. She still shows up to harass me at my house right as I'm getting home from work. It drives me crazy. She's also trying to move just a block away from me. NC is hard.

THAT is definitely a more extreme situation.  I suppose there is only so much you can do in that situation.  Strength  to you!

[Inside]

My exBPDgf blocked me, then had one hell of a time figuring out how to unblock me on the next recycle   I thought it was childish, but if you’re willing to make the effort …OK. 

My feeling is, I’d rather have her texting or emailing me than showing up at work and/ or leaving something on or in my car, which she has.  People with BPD are known to be stalkers; she’s admitted checking out the home of a former bf with her girlfriend while he was at work …looking through his windows for who knows what.  …and yes, one of many red flag admissions I’d unfortunately ignored

What I’ve learned that works well is very short, non emotional or informational responses.  They feed on personal info – so starve them   Let them do the blocking, let them feel in control.  Personally, all I want is distance – if it’s a text, hell, I can ignore them.

[Suzn]

I think ultimately I'm better able to focus on me when I don't have to waste emotional strength holding up a shield to brace myself against her messages at the same time.  

Controlled Contact can be a healthier way to disengage, for yourself and for an exwBPD. NC is a tool, one that is normally temporary while you gain some emotional distance to get on your feet. Which sounds like what you needed Tordesillas.

This is an excerpt from the Quiz: Fact or Urban Legend here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=151669.20  (on page 2, though the whole thread is excellent)

Controlled Contact. Experts suggest that the best way to break away is to "Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The pwBPD" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.".

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles10.htm

Controlled Contact works really well.  Often there is a little reaching by the other party at the beginning, but if we stay cool, the extinction burst depletes and the person lets go.

The biggest advantage of CC is that it phases detachment, a little at a time,  as both parties accept the distance.

No Contact and Avoidance Measures. Now sometimes we struggle to let go ourselves.  And if we are just too weak to do CC (I was), going NC and other avoidance tactics are great for a limited time to break our entanglement and emotional trauma.  

At the same time, however, it is important to recognize that avoidance tactics are temporary crutches to get us over the difficult times.  As soon as we can live without these crutches, we should - go back and attend the Church, go to the high school football games, go to favorite restaurants, respond to requests to return the cat, etc.

The downside of no contact is that the "absoluteness " of it often triggers abandonment anxiety in one or both parties.  It can trigger nonconstructive emotional coping, and even recycling as one or both parties start fighting against their inherit abandonment fears.  This is why it fails so often.

[Inside]

…just remembered, get this – we met through a large group of mutual friends.  Every time there’s an event of concern within the group, one person sends an ‘e-mail to all.’  She (exBPDgf) began ‘responding to all’ just to contact me!  Thus the entire group got to read her weird if coded messages to me.  I pointed that out to several folks who found it astoundingly pathetic and extremely hard to believe.  As soon as we’d reconnected, that stopped – she had my attention again.  They are truly nuts, sad to say  

[Octoberfest]

I dont know... .

My BPDex has yet to contact me again... . albeit only 2 months since we split because she was cheating yet again.  We last talked 11 days ago and it was me initiating it.  I don't know that I will ever hear from her again (although I may see her this coming year just around town)... . if I do I imagine it'll only be if/when her current relationship with the guy she cheated on me with goes south.  They got a dog together and are planning on moving in together... . after talking for less than 1.5 months... . and ten days earlier (from when she told me this) she told me she loved me and wanted me back  .

I guess I am a little apprehensive about seeing her in public again... . But i'm not sure.  I know that I am a good looking guy and that I should have no problems doing better than her going forward... . but in a weird way I kind of want to know how her relationship goes.  Part of me really hopes it succeeds with flying colors where all the others she has had have failed and she is happy foreverafter.  But there is another part of me that wants to see it fail miserably so I have some validation (even though I know it) that it isn't me.  I don't have a facebook or any other social media so she has no way of checking on me really and IDK that she wants to... .

I'm not sure... . it's interesting

I haven't blocked her because I see NC as a willpower type of deal for me... . It's a process I have to go through to get to a point mentally where I don't want to talk to her of my own accord, not because I can't.

[paperlung]

Changed my phone number, deactivated Facebook; haven't heard from her in almost 4 months.

[Murbay]

As I've mentioned on another post, CC is where I'm aiming for because we have a daughter. However, for my own healing right now I decided on NC. It was her idea but I have stuck with it, only she hasn't. Right now every e-mail I'm getting is, the best way to describe it, polite abuse. Still abusive and nasty but using "please", "thank you" and "kindly". Once this has died down a little, then I will see if CC can be achieved. It was CC that caused the final rage because I had stopped telling her great she was and just stuck to facts.

Looking back, the onset of the rage was quite funny. In response to my plain facts e-mail, she sent one back just sticking to the facts and I thought we were over that hurdle. That was then followed up with her telling me she did that to show me how ridiculous my e-mail had looked to her (because it didn't massage her ego). My response back to that was a plain thank you and that's what led to the rage.

I don't have a phone because my contract was in her country and I cancelled it before I left. She doesn't have an address for me, though she has e-mailed recently to ask for one. She defriended me on facebook and restricted her settings so I couldn't "spy" on her but not blocked, so she could still spy on me. I went for a straight forward block, blocked her family and even the secret account she uses for spying. What she did in return was befriend my daughter and exgf then sent my sister a friends request from her spying account. My sis ignored it but my daughter still accepted. I'm not being forced from facebook because while I was abroad it was the best way to contact my friends and family. The only way she can get to me through there is through my daughter and I have an intelligent daughter who won't give anything away.

Despite blocking her from facebook, I still recieved game requests on words with friends. My guess is that it was to see if she could still connect with me. I accepted the first one but never played with her, ignored the 2nd one though.

My e-mail address is known by all my friends and family so I'm not changing that. I do have a reserve if things got too crazy but I won't allow her to run me out of my e-mail. Also, I can't ignore her messages either in case it has anything to do with the children. However, I do choose not to respond to what she sends through.

She has also taken to e-mailing my work e-mail. My boss is aware and I can remedy that by putting a rule on her e-mail address. I did consider putting a message up that I was currently working on a project in Italy or Australia because they are 2 places she is desperate to go and hated my job because I'm responsible for some of her dream destinations. Figured I would be sinking to her level so just ignore the e-mails she sends to my work.

So now she has located me on Linked In and sending messages through there. Again, I'm ignoring those since I don't use linked in that often and have nothing revealing on there anyway.

I think she has almost exhausted ways to contact me. The only things I think she has left is to send mail to my mothers address, though she was warned anything sent there would be returned. Also, she can find my work address online and post things here but as I'm free to travel with my work, as was the case when I lived in her country, she might not chance that as she does not know I'm working back out of HQ now.

My ex is an unstoppable BPD/NPD machine right now so rather than allow my own health to suffer or cut myself off from my life. I'm taking a very detached approach where I'm able to be in control of myself. If she was just an exgf, I would have no problem going NC but as there are children on the other side, I have to have some level of involvement. Again, she made the decision she never wanted to hear from me again, so I guess she should face up to those responsibilities instead of telling me I'm disrespectful for not responding to her 

[KellyO]

This kind of behaviour is very common. People are simply not honest with themselves. Mind has layers, and all layers have to aggree to block the ex and really go NC. If top layer says "yes, this is what I have to do!" and layer under it says "but if I don't let him/her find me when he/she wants I might not get that 0,001% possibility for ever lasting happiness with him/her". So people says he/she goes NC but does not do the walking.

Or like that darn Facebook. If  you use Facebook to compulsively spy your ex, then give up the Facebook. But of course you don't, because then you can't spy your ex through Facebook. It is frustrating to witness, but nothing can be done---again. Whatever is said, there is always excuse and "yes, but... . ". People should slap themselves when they say "yes,but... . ".

Now, I must ask forgiveness for everyone who might get hurt of my blurt because I know sometimes there are really valid reasons to keep your phone number, e-mail, Facebook, you name it. Sorry, I did not mean you.

Btw, I did not change phonenumber or anything. I don't have to, my ex-bf will never contact me. It is just that simple. He never contacts first, because he is the one who must be contacted. Contacting others is degrading for him. Seriously.

[Murbay]

I think those are perfectly valid statements KellyO 

In my case there is an underlying reason why I can't go long term NC but I have enough resolve to stick to it while I continue to detach and get myself in a position where I can go CC.

As for your ex never contacting you, it sounds very much like he is on the NPD scale too, same as my ex. However, I would never say never because even though it's degrading for them to make the first move, they do have a tendency to gently nudge to try and prompt you to make the first move. That can come at any time, but I think you might be safe with not changing your number.

The only other thing with my ex, she finds contacting other degrading too, they should be the ones to contact her. However, she hates being ignored even more 

[MarcinN7]

If you dont have kids together, or any financial or law obligations to contact you ex i dont see the point in keeping ANY form of contact.

The possibility for them to try to pull on your strings or manipulate is too high. They showed this in the RS and nothing says they wont do it again. Why would you want to let them pollute your mind with lies/manipulation/toxicity?

I blocked her everywhere i could - mainly social media, communicators and e-mail. I don't want to go on facebook and see anything related to her popup.

[KellyO]

The only other thing with my ex, she finds contacting other degrading too, they should be the ones to contact her. However, she hates being ignored even more  

Yes, I have come to conclusion that my ex-bf swings heavily to NPD. And he hates to be ignored. He lives from the attention. He chose to work with children, they are such a tiny little sources of endless admiration and attention. Sigh. I still would like to meet those professionals who decided he is the best person to work with children they have ever met. At one point he wanted to be a support person for another alcoholic ( he just looves to imagine himself doing it). I almost died from laughter (only inside, my dear, only inside of me) when he said that the person he supports must be young because older alcoholics just don't... . and he never finished the sentence. I added silently in my mind "Older alcoholics just don't look up at me and admire me".

[Murbay]

He chose to work with children, they are such a tiny little sources of endless admiration and attention. Sigh.

It definitely sounds like we ended up with the opposite equivalent. My ex is a teacher and my T believes it is for that very reason. It's the control of people who aren't quite independent enough and rely on an authority figure. She views all the other teachers as incompetent and as I have mentioned on a previous post, even went to the lengths of taking one colleague to a tribunal because she disagreed with her teaching style since it didn't match hers, then 2 other colleagues for standing up for the previous teacher and finally her boss for not backing her corner. Everybody was apparently "out to get her" because they were incompetent and she was intimidating.

The fact that she determines being intimidating as being one of her best qualities is all the more reason I'm not responding to her yet. Like I said originally, I can't go NC long term because of the children but I sure can until I'm in a much stronger place in myself. For now though, she is blocked on most ways of communication and the only way through is via e-mail which I choose not to respond to, even though the connotations are "It's still all your fault but please respond"

[mcc503764]

I used to block my ex on my phone, but then she'd find a way to still contact me.  Blocking on the phone does work to get you over the initial shock of NC, but I got sick of harboring that anger, that resentment, that hurt.

I guess I just got to the point to where the whole situation is just too exhausting!  I'm tired of it, I am sick of it consuming my brain at times.

I guess I look at it that my x would know if I blocked her and she would derive some sort of satisfaction from it knowing that she hurt me.

I just assume to keep her unblocked, know that she is unblocked, ad let her feel like the A**HOLE when I ignore her attempts to contact me?

Maybe it's a game, or maybe it's just my way of sending the silent message of F**K YOU?

MCC

[seeking balance]

So my question is, why don't more people just block everything?  Then you won't have to deal with any of it.  Am I missing something?  Am I potentially doing some kind of unknown damage to my ex or myself but not even giving her an outlet to reach me?  

This tends falls into the bargaining phase of grief.

A lot of people think they can be friends or help them, it is one of the false beliefs that keep folks stuck.

Assuming there are not financial ties or children, I am in the camp that NC is a valuable tool to fully grieve the relationship.  How long the tool stays in place is really determined by how honest a person is with themselves... . can you be in contact without losing boundaries, etc.

[Ittookthislong]

this might seem backwards but when the relationship ended i wanted closure and could not stop trying to get it. i think i ended up being BPD like in that i couldnt let go (btw the jury is still out as to whether i am BPD or not, im confused). but the more i tried i could see his push pull, and projection and it made me feel worse so i did something i know seems a bit crazy.

I actually asked him to block me. I told him i am forgiving, and good memories keep coming up and i just keep wanting to fix it and i was being damaged. I asked for him to block me, change his number, not to respond to me again. no matter what i said to him to please not respond. that i knew it was just an addiction and he wasnt being any kinder to respond. I was crying the whole time and it was the most painful thing i ever did but it was like the only thing i could do to help myself as though if i just knew there wasnt a way in the world i could contact him, that i would have no choice but to just leave it in the past.

at a certain point when i realized this was making me insane, and i knew he didnt care. In my heart I could not detach as hard as i tried but in my head i knew i was getting nowhere and making myself more and more depressed. I tried thinking with my brain instead of my heart and if the purpose is really to heal then i just put my pride aside (i was losing my dignity anyway)

he asked if i was sure, and i said yes. of course regretting it entirely the second he did. i felt pure heartbreak for weeks, but eventually i had no choice but to start putting things back together.

if you want to know if this helped or not. i think it did to be honest. im still trying to figure things out but more with the end goal being what happenned so it doesnt happen again. it still hurts though. alot. and every so often i get these panicked moments where i wish i could find a way to get a hold of him to say sorry, other times i wanna find him to scream at him, but in like 2 minutes i calm down because i remember theres nothing i can do about it, and that in a moment of clarity i was taking care of myself by making him stonewall me instead.

ps- off topic but the best thing i did after this wierd break up was to get a dog. that helped more than talking to people or therapy or anything. if your struggling as a non or a BPD either way(i have no idea which i am but it helped me focus on something else, actually get love in return, and dogs are so dependable. made me get out in the fresh air and take walks etc)

[Ittookthislong]

i think if you come to terms with the fact that they dont care about you anyway, you can do whatever it is that you need to to heal. it was embarrassing to ask him to block me, i pretty much had to be completely vunlerable and let him know he had so much power over me, but honestly who cares, they dont anyway so theres no shame. thats my thought process

[numbr3]

I finally blocked my phone numbers 2 yrs after our divorce.  I just felt too weak to deal with calls.  I would listen to an hour and a half of raging, degrading and threats because I was too polite to hang up on him.  Meanwhile I am crying and  slamming down the beers to cope.  Not healthy at all.  I am so glad I did it because it took his control away and now I have no one in my life that talks to me like that.  I don't think that I am a rude or mean person for doing it.

[PretentiousBread]

I blocked my ex, on absolutely everything. When she discarded me (in public), I told her to let me know if she changes her mind. Then the next day I came to my senses and realised there was something very wrong here, that this was not normal behaviour to treat someone in this way. I was that gaslit that I hadn't seen this sooner, but the unanamous opinion of others was that this girl was completely toxic and messed up. I realised I just had to cut her out, and day 1 post break up was really day 1 of rehab from my BPD drug addiction.

The way I see it is the following:

By blocking her and never reaching out, I at least earn her respect. She is absolutely gorgeous and is used to guys chasing her and not letting go.

Initially me blocking her may feel like a 'win' for her, but the longer it goes on, that she sees I'm literally never going to contact her, effectively I've now rejected her. If this sounds petty, bear in mind when your self esteem has been absolutely destroyed by this person, and you're bordering on suicidal thoughts due to their heartless actions, restoration of my ego is critical and I will not be lowered further by her. I was always Mr Nice Guy, the relationship only went on as long as it did owing to me looking past all these red flags for the genuine goodness in her. She will eventually doubt herself, when she sees that I want nothing more to do with her, truly, she'll have to accept her shameful behaviour caused this. She had nothing to come back with when I called her out on the pathetic way she broke up (she messaged my business to ask for something back a couple of weeks ago), she knows she is in the wrong.