Who they do feel more secure with?

[Cocoalover]

My ex is in a relationship now and he always prizes  his partner as a decent very good person and so he is satisfied in life in every possible way.

I could realise that his new partner  is a banker, and I know because of insecurity issues he is  dependant and need someone to support him.

He suggested having sex with me, as after we broke up he never had good sex compared to me. When I asked if he has sexual issue with his partner he said no its good!

So why the hell he wants sex with me if he is content with his new partner?

[danley]

Wants to have both of best world's... .

Isn't as content as he appears with his new relationship... .

It could be any reason. But I think it's pretty selfish to be in a relationship and seek you out for sex. If sex is all he's wanting, then this goes to show what he cares about and what kind of person he is. Sure sex is important in a relationship. But if he wants to use you for sexual satisfaction and keep his new relationship for everything else, it puts you in a triangle. Its not a good place to be.

[Cocoalover]

Thanks Danley,

I explained to him what triangle is, and tried to explain more, talking to him about his issues in a very indirect way.

As I do believe NC is not good enough for me to overcome this break up (3 yrs ago)I wanted a bigger challenge , not for him, but for me. The way we are all left behind and confused I personally needed closure and needed to see it myself hear it myself from him that he's doing it the same as he would do while we were together, lying and cheating, still part of me loves him, but why? That's what I'm trying to work it out and see whether the problem  is that I'm an old soul in modern society which can't be fitted , a hopeless romantic out dated person or what?

[danley]

It's not easy to just erase the feelings you have for someone you love. It doesn't just go away. Eventually when you're able to see things from a different perspective you will begin to realize that your self worth is as important. In the beginning it's easy to see all the wonderful things about your ex and the relationship. But staying in this fog will hinder you from healing. When I was forced to see the bad sides of my ex after breaking up, my perspective changed. I was seeing the negative and child like behavior. I began to see his fears and insecurities up close even tho I knew they existed before. It was a selfish side of him that made me question if anything we had was real. I started to think that he would come around and see what he was doing was wrong. But after three months of raging and mood swings, I realized he was stopping at nothing to maintain his self preservation at my expense.

My feelings began to change. I No longer thought about all the good and was stuck on all the bad. I looked back and realized some red flags from before that I shrugged off. I was angry and bitter now instead of sad. I didn't like being like this. It made me feel like my ex who was now hateful, prideful, haywire, and selfish. So for the last month I started to take it a step further and reflected on my own issues within the relationship. I realized there were things I could have done different or worked on about myself.

We became emotionally attached in our relationship, which is what happens in a normal relationship. This specific aspect of our relationship suddenly became too much for my ex when all his fears and guilt and shame came full force in him. With emotional attachment there's a give and take. You become vulnerable and can feel a sense of comfort and acceptance. You feel like you can be yourself. You have a connection where you are able to put the other before yourself sometimes. But the balance its a two way stteet. My ex loved the thing that he feared the most... . having the emotional attachment to be himself without judgment but with acceptance and understanding from me. But it became one sided and when I needed him to be there for me he couldn't because he was too focused on HIS pain and HIS fears and feelings. He expected me to give and be there for him and only when it was convenient he would try to give emotional support. It became too unbalanced for too long and I put up with it for the last few months of the relationship. This in one of the main reasons I feel for the breakup.

For the last month I've been trying to detach. I No longer express emotions like before. I care about my ex but I think I showed that he could come to me whenever he had fears or concerns... . For the last month, I reminded myself of my self worth. I stopped reaching out to my ex. After breaking up I was so concerned that he wasn't thinking straight or was being hot and cold. I felt like I needed to help him get thru it like before. But I stopped that. I focused on rebuilding my confidence. It was hard to not reach out but when I stopped, it felt good and I felt in control of the situation.  I wanted so bad to at least go back to having normal, care free, and personal conversation with my ex like before. But I was tired of getting a lashing everytime my ex would do his hot and cold routine. I reminded myself of this everyday and have stopped wishing to be myself with him like before and vice versa. I feel good about myself when I can keep my emotions at bay and have focused more on what I need instead of walking on eggshells around him. Once I stopped letting his negativity affect me, it made a huge difference.  It actually brought a change in him positively, but I'm pressing on regardless of what my ex is thinking. In one of our last serious talks a month ago, I told him i will not let him bring me down. I told him i dont like the change i see in him and i cannot believe he would be so selfish. I left that talk feeling like everything was a lost cause but i knew i needed to let go of trying to force him to realize what he did or force him to change. I will admit at times I'm hopeful he's coming around. But I'm very weary from reading others experiences on here and don't want to have a recycle episode if I cave in and reach out to him like before. Unlike many here, my ex and I have not broken up and gotten back together over and over. So I am glad but even one breakup is hard enough and I don't want to step foot in the breakup to makeup cycle.

Even me wanting closure is not as important as before. Because once you change your focus and perspective it almost doesn't matter anymore. You're too busy building your confidence and reclaiming yourself. You want closure because it hurts to know someone who loved you could have hurt you. I don't think there's anything wrong with you feeling this way.Three years waiting for closure is a long time. It could happen. Perhaps focusing on reasons WHY you don't need closure would help you. Like even tho you get closure, will it change anything? I know the ego gets smashed when someone you love up and leaves or hurt you. But will closure change anything between you two? For me, I realize closure will be nice. An apology would be nice. But it won't change the fact that he hurt me and it won't change the fact that I deserve someone who will treat me right. I'm sure on some level we all want our ex to be that someone. But it's up to them to make the changes. The only person you can change is yourself. Once you take control of yourself and the situation it will empower you.