Introduction

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone. I'm a 40yo man, and my mother has both Narcissistic and Histrionic Personality Disorders - with some emphasis on the former. She is now 77. I have two siblings, a sister (52) and a brother (57), both of whom have not spoken to her for many years. In each case, our mother was the one to end contact, when my siblings "transgressed" or offended her so severely that she couldn't overlook it. 

The contact ended with my brother when I was 8 or 9; with my sister when I was 17. Having seen that happen, in incredibly histrionic fights, with endless raging at me about how bad they were, you can likely imagine the effect this had on me -- and how likely I was to ever cross her.   

Interacting with her is also exacerbated by what I suspect is a rather major learning disability, perhaps related to the BPD, that affects her logical reasoning. This manifests itself in part by having a near-total inability to do math beyond simple arithmetic, complete lack of sense of direction, inability to follow directions (she can't bake or follow recipes). Arguments or even just regular discussions - whether when personal or about something non-family-related, like politics --  are often impossible to follow. And when they are personal, the lack of logic or assumptions about things that basically make no sense have something of a gaslighting effect.

I had a major transgression of my own in 2002, at which point she much reduced our contact and created very significant walls to protect herself. As I was always the Golden Child until that transgression, and she no longer spoke to her other children, and had divorced my father, she was more alone and powerless than before and was unwilling to end contact altogether.   

For the past 10 years, the situation has been essentially stable, though of course, the relationship is not improvable. Nor do I want to try to improve it. I'm comfortable with the low contact situation. But she's now moving into a challenging phase of her life, with increasing health problems and fragility, and needing to move into assisted living. This is to be sure a challenging part of an adult child's relationship with an aging parent even without the presence of BPD and so much papered-over hurt. Because we've created pretty secure boundaries, having increased contact isn't such a problem, but some of my attempts to be helpful certainly have resulted in my getting slapped back (metaphorically speaking; there has never been any physical abuse here). I don't much care about that -- my skin is plenty thick and I understand where her bad behavior comes from -- but as I've been thinking more about her BPD of late, I started to look at online resources and thought it would be a good idea to join a forum or two as this a complicated moment.

I don't need to belabor this any further in an introduction but am happy to know there are others out there who deal with similar issues, and look forward to connecting.

-David

 

[gleek73]

Hi everyone. I'm a 40yo man, and my mother has both Narcissistic and Histrionic Personality Disorders - with some emphasis on the former. She is now 77. I have two siblings, a sister (52) and a brother (57), both of whom have not spoken to her for many years. In each case, our mother was the one to end contact, when my siblings "transgressed" or offended her so severely that she couldn't overlook it. 

The contact ended with my brother when I was 8 or 9; with my sister when I was 17. Having seen that happen, in incredibly histrionic fights, with endless raging at me about how bad they were, you can likely imagine the effect this had on me -- and how likely I was to ever cross her.   

Interacting with her is also exacerbated by what I suspect is a rather major learning disability, perhaps related to the BPD, that affects her logical reasoning. This manifests itself in part by having a near-total inability to do math beyond simple arithmetic, complete lack of sense of direction, inability to follow directions (she can't bake or follow recipes). Arguments or even just regular discussions - whether when personal or about something non-family-related, like politics --  are often impossible to follow. And when they are personal, the lack of logic or assumptions about things that basically make no sense have something of a gaslighting effect.

I had a major transgression of my own in 2002, at which point she much reduced our contact and created very significant walls to protect herself. As I was always the Golden Child until that transgression, and she no longer spoke to her other children, and had divorced my father, she was more alone and powerless than before and was unwilling to end contact altogether.   

For the past 10 years, the situation has been essentially stable, though of course, the relationship is not improvable. Nor do I want to try to improve it. I'm comfortable with the low contact situation. But she's now moving into a challenging phase of her life, with increasing health problems and fragility, and needing to move into assisted living. This is to be sure a challenging part of an adult child's relationship with an aging parent even without the presence of BPD and so much papered-over hurt. Because we've created pretty secure boundaries, having increased contact isn't such a problem, but some of my attempts to be helpful certainly have resulted in my getting slapped back (metaphorically speaking; there has never been any physical abuse here). I don't much care about that -- my skin is plenty thick and I understand where her bad behavior comes from -- but as I've been thinking more about her BPD of late, I started to look at online resources and thought it would be a good idea to join a forum or two as this a complicated moment.

I don't need to belabor this any further in an introduction but am happy to know there are others out there who deal with similar issues, and look forward to connecting.

-David

 

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, david73    and   

Well, you are in the right place if you are looking for more info on BPD and wanting to connect with others who have been where you've been, and are where you are now    It's really tough growing up with a BPD Mom... . My own Mom is not BPD, but my MIL is, I believe, undiagnosed BPD~~and I have more than 39 years of dealing with her! I've seen with my own eyes, and heard with my own ears the rages and dysfunction she is prone to, and I thank God every day that I was brought up by my own mother, and not her 

Have you had a chance to poke around this site yet? If you go to the BOARDS tab in the horizontal blue bar right above your first post, you will find all the Main Message Boards... . including  [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board where you will find many Senior Members who have dealt with a mother just like yours   The advice and information you will find there will change your understanding of your Mom and help to make things better... . Reading the Posts there, and when you are ready, posting your own story and questions, will show you that there is light at the end of the tunnel 

If you click on that BOARDS link and scroll down towards the bottom of the page, you will also find the Learning Center Boards, with links to the Workshops, Articles and Book Reviews available on this site... . I found that soaking up all the interesting and thought-provoking information there has changed my life~~and the life of the person with BPD in my home: my adult son who was just diagnosed in April 2013. This place rocks! 

[ScarletOlive]

Hi there david73,

I just wanted to jump into the welcoming party and say, "Welcome!" I know it can be really tough dealing with family members suffering from BPD. You're not alone here. How much contact do you have with your mother now? How do your siblings handle interactions with her?

Like Rapt Reader said, there's a great deal of information here. The info helps us to understand the disorder, communicate in a healthy way, and work on ourselves. These links might be a good place to get started.

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Keep posting and sharing. I know you will fit in here. The environment here is really friendly and supportive, and it's worth it to grow in our knowledge. Sending you lots of caring for your day.

[gleek73]

Thanks everyone. Both siblings have no contact with her -- she cut it off (in ~1980 and 1991) when they "transgressed" beyond a certain point. Because she's also a histrionic personality, I think perhaps she's more willing than other NMs to cut people away when they offend her too much.

I have limited contact with her. It's actually pretty mild, most of the time; we have stable boundaries created as a result of my transgression from 10 years ago. The only reason I wasn't cut off permanently, as were my siblings, is because I was the golden child, which made it harder for her, and also because I was the last -- if she cut me off, she would literally not be on speaking terms with anybody in the family.

So we talk on the phone occasionally, if by talk one means she chatters endlessly and I murmur occasionally while surfing the Internet. She lives 3,000 miles away and she won't travel here (has something to do with my the issue of my transgression; she wanted to live in my apartment after I moved out to another one, and I refused that, so it causes her too much pain to be here) so we only see each other for a couple of days perhaps once a year when I travel to her in California.

The immediate issue, put as briefly as I can, is that she's chosen rather impulsively to move from her home in Los Angeles to a retirement community in the suburbs of Houston. She needed to go into assisted living -- the house in CA was way too much to manage alone, and she's had a number of surgeries recently. But moving to Texas - away from most of the friends and people she knows (and she *hates* hot weather) never sounded like a great decision to me. She has some friends in the area near Houston and really enjoyed it when visiting so she thought this would be great.

Needless to say, not working out so well. She's begun to fall out with the friends over ridiculous things -- classic N behavior. She needs more surgery and isn't comfortable doing it in Texas, away from the doctors she's developed great relationships with (is there anything that feeds N supply better than doctors, whose whole relationship with you is based on taking care of you?). The situation as of today is somewhat in limbo -- the moving van with her things is somewhere between California and Texas, she's living in the home of her friends, she can't break the lease on the retirement unit, she doesn't want to lose the money, she can't drive herself, she won't fly commercial because she has two birds that she doesn't want to squeeze into carriers, she needs back surgery, and she no longer gets along so well with the friends who were the whole reason she thought Texas would be fun.

And I'm the only person in the family she talks to and she doesn't want my advice or help, as that would be "controlling" her.

Hence my joining the board!

I'm not so much looking for advice as there's not really any advice to give. She'll let me know what she wants. She doesn't ask for anything I'm not willing to do, since our relationship has become so frayed. I occasionally point out choices or options, offer to make some calls... . but she'll need to figure her own way home.

Just seemed like a moment to start sharing this with a community of others who understand the issues, and hearing their stories as well.