Should I warn the new girlfriend?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My ex is dating a really sweet woman, and so far he is busy sucking her in. Should I warn her about his Borderline Personality Disorder? I hate to see anyone go through the hell that I did with him.

Someone from his family should tell her, but I fear that no one will give her a heads-up because of the wrath they will incur from him if they do.

What to do... . opinions please!

[letmeout]

My ex is dating a really sweet woman, and so far he is busy sucking her in. Should I warn her about his Borderline Personality Disorder? I hate to see anyone go through the hell that I did with him.

Someone from his family should tell her, but I fear that no one will give her a heads-up because of the wrath they will incur from him if they do.

What to do... . opinions please!

[danley]

I'd say you should let it be. It's not your problem anymore. If your ex is with someone new, who's to say things will be the same in the new relationship or different from yours. I don't think warning the new person about your ex would do you any good. It's honorable that you want to give warning but it should be none of your concern. Be happy that the torch of body has been passed to someone else.

[Validation78]

Hey Let!

This is a question that comes up often here. Although it does seem like an humane act, it is probably not a good idea. Think about it, how many folks are bitter towards one another after a breakup and would say terrible things about each other? Not that this is your motivation, however, think of it from the new woman's perspective. No matter what you say, that is likely the way it will appear. She would probably not be able to hear you anyway because he is in the charming, win her over phase, and the information you have will seem incredible! I would just hope for the best for them!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[pari]

My ex is seeing a new girl and I am so tempted to warn her.

But no, it's none of my business to intrude in his life. He is his own person and she is grown up enough to make this decision.

Most important for you right now is to take care of yourself and heal. Focus on You!

[bpdspell]

I agree with the others.

The new supply has their own path to walk. If someone would have warned me about my ex I would not have listened. I was too engulfed, enmeshed and smitten to care what anyone else would have thought. I was on a high. We learn the lessons we need to learn from these traumatic experiences and so will the new victims.

We have enough work to do on ourselves in terms of healing.

It's tempting to want to bust up the new situation but there's no need for that cause it will bust up on it's own. The mask they wear is always dropped eventually and the new supply will experience the true character of our exes.

Spell.

[Pretty Woman]

I say you should stay out of it. For one, your ex most likely has painted you "the bad guy" and this woman, unsuspecting most likely has fallen for the charm factor and truly believes you were the problem. By approaching her it will surely get back to your ex reinforcing his hold on you (giving him an ego boost) and another reason to demean you and say, "see you were the problem not me".

Your rational mind wants to help this other person but like the others on this board, you need to just worry about you. We non-BPD's tend to be compassionate and giving, it's a good quality and in your nature but it doesn't work when the other person suffers from mental illness. Keep NC and don't get involved.

[Sleuth]

I agree with it's not your problem anymore... . I too have had these thoughts regarding my exs new partner.

I'll probably just tell him I thought about it when I get to meet him on this forum in a years time.

[letmeout]

Thanks for your input, I am going to stay out of it.

I am still having a hard time recovering from that nightmare, and I hate to see someone else suffer. What a journey!

[causticdork]

I've wondered that myself, especially since she spent the first month of their relationship cheating on him with me.  But... . I don't know the guy.  I hear he's nice and all, but it really isn't my place to go seek him out and let him know what she is.  Doing so would just further entangle me in a life that I'm trying to disengage as much as possible from. 

Now if he were to look me up and ask me, which he might do since I've seen some texts he's sent while she was hanging out with me and he's clearly suspicious, then I would probably give him the truth.  Not out of spite, but because it's what I'd want someone to do for me in that situation.  Knowing her she's probably convinced him that he was being paranoid.  I hope he figures it out for his own sake.  She's a pro at manipulating romantic partners, and I know how powerful the desire to believe someone you love can be. 

[Murbay]

It is a very tough choice to make but the right one is to leave it be.

We all dislike seeing someone else suffer, especially if we have information that could save them, BUT that is not our choice to make. We cannot control the actions of others only ourselves.

I've often thought that the right thing to do is inform the new partner because it allows them the opportunity to protect themselves before going through the same process as we did. Even if they don't run from the relationship, it gives them a little more awareness and understanding to better protect themselves.

The right course of action is not to get involved. Firstly, things could turn ugly and all parties are resentful towards each other, possibly being accused of being jealous and triggering feelings in yourself that set back your own healing. Secondly, as already stated, these are 2 grown adults capable of making their own decisions. Getting involved can be viewed as controlling because you cannot control the thoughts, feelings and actions of others. Finally, this could be the relationship where your ex realises they have an issue and sets out on their own journey to heal and live a life of happiness.

As for the gf, if she goes through the same patterns, becomes emotionally destroyed and comes seeking answers, we can welcome her here and help to guide her towards the answers she is seeking too.

I go through these thoughts every time I think of reaching out and start to see that by stepping back there is a potential for 3 people to be happy in the future where stepping in can lead to those 3 people being very unhappy and the blame for that being projected back at you.

[grad]

If you want him to rage then sure, go ahead.

Everyone in the Leaving forum has probably has had the thought cross their mind.  Seeking out previous ex's for clarity, or warning a new love interest of their disorder.  My answer to both of these is absolutely not.  Why ruin their fantasy?  Why become their crazy ex and give them more ammunition against why it failed with you for their new partner to hear?  There's nothing to gain and quite honestly, they probably won't believe you unless they've already been exposed to the dysregulated persona.

These people are adults so let them figure out life and relationships on their own.  If their significant other cannot see that it's not normal then they deserve to be together.