REAL hard nightmare

[keith99]

  I was married to a borderline for 12 long years.  I left her after four years of marriege and was sucked back in which was a huge mistake.  We had a child so I decided to stay for his sake.  That was a huge mistake because as my wife got older she became much worse.  After years of being yelled at, treated like crap I left her and had to move back to the UK from Australia as I had no family support and I know she would have never left me alone.

We had no contact for a few months then she divorced me.  I was really hurting over not seeing my son and really struggling to start a new life.  I finally did after about 7 months, even started a new relationship which is going great.

Now heres the problem.  I started to talk to her because of my son and she tried to get me to come back, bought me tickets, guit tripped me, I even bought a ticket to see my son for two weeks and was to afraid of being sucked in again.

Now shes been taken ill and it looks like its serious.  She is demanding I come back right away as she has nobody to look after my son.  If I do that I will lose my job and as much as I love my son I really dont want to be suckered into staying there.  I am at my wits end.  I was just starting to make progress and now I have this. I dont want to lose my girlfriend.  I never dreamed Id meet somebody again.

[crystalclear]

  keith,

It's great that you are progressing... . way to go! 

I am sorry that you are missing your son, i am sure its hurting... .

From your post i sense concern (for your son) and guilt (towards your exW), which is natural because she was once the most important part of your life. Do you still feel like you are still responsible to take care of her?

Probably just focusing on the 'purpose' and sticking to it might help you, which is to spend time with your son and nothing else. Keep a reality check at all times, as pwBPD are good at manipulation and reflecting their pain and guilt onto you. Be strong... .

[WalrusGumboot]

Now shes been taken ill and it looks like its serious.

Do you have any proof of her illness besides what she says?

[keith99]

In the past during our marriege she always cried wolf.  She saying I have to return to Australia so she can have treatment as she has nobody to look after my son.  Im not a callous person, I only stayed in the marriege for his sake.  She was a nightmare to live wirh.  A bully, control freak.  Shes trying to be very nice to lure me back.  I've started to rebuild my life and if I go back I fear I will be stuck there forever.

[Murbay]

Hi Keith,

Change Australia for Canada and our stories are very similar in every aspect, though my marriage only lasted 3 years.

I'm concerned about what you are being asked to do because having been in that very same position with those same demands, I made the mistake of going back. I cannot tell you that your ex is trying to manipulate you, because what she has said could be very genuine but I do have concern towards your son and the projection pointed towards you.

Just an example, I was back in the UK working because there was a delay on my work permit and I couldn't afford not to work since ex was on maternity leave and we had a baby. She refused to come with me because she couldn't be separated from her parents so I ended up coming back alone. The entire time I was here, it was daily guilt trips about how she was a single parent raising our child on her own. This was despite the fact she still lives with her parents, never moved out of the family home and refused to join me for the few months I was back.

In order to appease her abandonment issues, I flew back to Canada every single month, paid for the tickets myself. Something I was frustrated about because the purpose of working was to support my family but most of the money was spent flying back and forth. I raised the issue but she couldn't see that there had to be an either or. In her mind, I should be there with my family but also working to provide for them. That's why I was run ragged through all the travelling. Despite this she still managed to run up $70k of debt in that short time, saying had I contributed more she wouldn't have had to borrow money. The UK is expensive but even I can't spend $70k in a few short months.

A week after I tried to lay down the boundary of, there was a choice, I either continue to travel every month and we fall behind on some of the bills, I don't travel as much and we can afford the bills. The other option is she came over to join me and both are sorted out (she was on maternity leave so not like she would have to give up her job). The first call i got was that our daughter was rushed in to hospital in a critical state and was not expected to make it. I walked out of work and jumped on the next flight. Got there only to find out daughter had a chest infection and ex wasn't happy with the doctors verdict. She called for an ambulance that evening and the ambulance crew said the same thing so she drove to the hospital and demanded to be seen. Apart from a slight fever, a rasp and a cough, there was nothing wrong with daughter.

I was annoyed and flew back to the UK. Luckily my company were understanding though I had to make apologies. 2 weeks after that, ex called again, she had seriously injured her back, couldn't walk and if she turned the wrong way she could paralyse herself. That was then my fault because had I stayed she wouldn't have injured herself and wouldn't be in the state she is now. At this point, her parents were looking after her and they called in her aunt to stay with them to help out too. 3 adults taking care of someone with a bad back (she pulled a muscle and while painful, not to the extreme she made out) This time I didn't fly back a) there was no money after the last flight b) it seemed to be a regular occurrence now c) I was desperately hanging on to my job because it was our only source of income.

A couple of months later she gave me the ultimatum of leave my job and go back or stay out of her life. I went back and again, my company stood by me and let me take my job with me. So I was working from home, regular salary, spending time with the family and you thought this would please her? Not at all, she hated it because it wasn't a Canadian job and tried everything to sabotage my job.

The thing with all of this is she was nice and really concerned while I was out of sight but the anger and abuse came when i was back there, shut off from my family and she was in complete control. It really does sound like your ex was of a similar mindset and that is why I'm concerned.

One suggestion I have about your situation is to bring your son away from that environment while she has the treatment. You don't owe her anything but you can offer something for your child. You can even have legal documents drawn up that it is only short term. I would seriously advise against looking in to what illness she has and whether it is genuine or just her word.

Again, you do not owe her anything and she has no right demanding what you do or not do. She isn't in the equation here so you need to figure out what is best for your son. If she is demanding you be there to take care of him, counter it with seeing how you can get him over here to take care of him until she is well again. You also have to ask yourself if you had no contact for that length of time, why she suddenly sees you as being the carer for your child? I haven't seen my daughter now for several months and I'm still at NC so I do understand the hurt. What about her own family and friends?

My other concern for you, if you went, is that you spend that time with your son and then once well again, she slams the door on you and puts you right back to the start again. My T has addressed those same concerns for me and that my ex will use my daughter to gain control when she realises she no longer has control over me. I would do anything for my daughter but I won't allow her to become part of a triangle or used in any games. Eliminating your ex out of the equation and focussing on yourself and your son is where you will find the answer to your question.

[keith99]

My ex was lovely to me when Im not there, moment I was with her, she treated me like I was her arch enemy.  It was almost as if she needed somebody to bully.  The way she is going on, pure guilt tripping.  The worst aspect of it all was my son started to behave just like she did towards me.

I just think she misses the fact that I was the primary carer of my son and now shes had to do it.  Even in the dying parts of our marriege when I told her I'd had enough of her behaviour and she needed to change, she answered that with issuing me with divorce papers and telling me she was marrying somebody else.

Fast forward to present day shes saying I cheated on her because I have a girlfriend, despite the fact we were divorced when I met her.

[Murbay]

I'm really sorry about the ordeal you are going through there keith. It is a very frustrating position to be in when children are involved.

As for cheating on her, that is just her projecting back at you and you haven't done anything wrong. This could be an attempt to try and cause disruption in your own life because like my ex, it really does sound like she is set to destroy mode.

I'm really sad to hear about your son behaving in the same way. It's sad because children learn through mirroring and copying and if one parent isn't being a good role model then it can have that effect.

I would still be very wary of what she is trying to do right now because it doesn't sound healthy and you have made no mention of her realising she has an issue and seeking help. So you have to assume nothing has changed in her thinking. I have a feeling that she is angry with the way her life has gone since you left, cannot take that responsibility herself so is out to punish you for it by trying to take your life away from you. When people use children to accomplish that and project the guilt, it's not only wrong but it's also evidence that they are still not thinking from a healthy place.

[keith99]

This morning I get a txt saying she is being put into hospital I need to come home straight away then she calls me and says she has discharged herself and can only begin treatment when I come back to look after my son.  So she is saying she cant be treated unless I am there.  She says she had a MRI and her organs are in a bad way and if she is not put in hospital she will die.

I am not a callous person but it was nearly impossible to find the courage to leave and move back to the uk and attempt to start again but I am getting there.  If I go back there I will lose my job, my girlfriend, the support of my parents.  I did everythign for my son and he ended up becoming the same as her very abusive towards me when I was the person who tried to bring him up properly.  In the end I knew I was facing a losing battle and I left because I ahd visons of dropping dead from a heart attack if I stayed.

[Lady31]

Ok, to me, on the outside, this whole situation is very simple.

1) Asinine = extremely or utterly foolish, ridiculous: utterly ridiculous or lacking sense

I'm just going to throw this out there - this is the most utterly foolish, ridiculous, utterly ridiculous, absolutely totally lacking any kind of sense crap I have heard in a long time!  This woman is WAY OUT in crazyville.  This is so ASININE of an expectation and demand on her part - it should not even be something you have to defend.

She was horrible.  CHECK.  SHE divorced YOU.  CHECK. 

I can tell you right now that if my guy left and lived in another country (and even if HE was the one to leave and divorce ME) there is no way in HELL if I was seriously ill and needed medical treatment right away and would DIE if I didn't get it (especially when I had a child) would I CHECK MYSELF OUT OF A HOSPITAL and decide that I was going to wait on that man to come back and be responsible for my life and DECIDE to DIE if he did not!  UMMMMMM... . I call B*LLSH*T!  This is a COMPLETE fabrication on her part and absolutely RIDICULOUS of an expectation to ask you even if she was that ill!  RIDICULOUS!  ABSURD!  LAUGHABLE!  Oh wait... . ASININE!

I would simply ring her and say - "I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I know our son is your first concern and of course mine as well.  How soon can you get him to the airport so I can look after him here while you take care of what you need to?"

If she starts her crap at that point trying to turn things (and she will) to get you to come there (again - absolutely NUTS), I would then say "Ok, obviously this is not as serious as you are making it out to be.  If it does get that serious and you really do need me to take care of our son for a while I would love to do so.  Just let me know if/when it gets to that point and I will be ready to pick him up from the airport asap." 

If after that she continues on with harassment and game playing, I would tell her "I am not going to play these games anymore.  I am not going back there.  I hope you are ok.  I gave you the option of what I am willing to do.  If you want to do that, let me know.  If you don't, then drop it.  I will not discuss it any longer with you as that is the only option."

[Lady31]

Oh, and maybe add "BADDA BING!" to the end... .

Just kidding.

[Murbay]

I'm right behind lady31 on this one in the sense that this is sounding more like a game. The guilt trip and expectations being asked of you are insane because you are not the only option here.

If it really is a life threatening situation, then you need to get your son out of there, bring him back and take care of him here. Don't fall in to the trap that appears to be forming. Your ex sounds almost identical to mine and I did the running around for "life threatening" situations that a couple of advil or ibuprofen would have sorted out.

Instead of being thankful when I did jump back, she was angry because my company didn't release me and that's when I knew her aim was to take apart my independence and gain back that control and nothing at all to do with her injury. For my ex it was all about control and she would have gone to any length to keep that. Why do you think talking about suicide or attempting it is in the BPD handbook? There is very little they will do to keep that control.

It's very difficult because I don't know your ex and everything could be perfectly legitimate but too many things scream something wrong here. There is more than one way to solve a problem, it's not as black and white as they perceive. Secondly, if this was life threatening and things were as bad as she was making out, then she would be grateful for any support people had to offer, not dictate exactly how it has to be. Where is her own family and friends in all of this?

[keith99]

Thanks for all the replies.  She has no family, they live overseas.  She has a daughter who is 20 who lives round the corner and doesnt bother with her.  I just really dont want to be lured back to crazyville.  I know I did enough for my son.  I endured an extra 8 years of marriege because I didnt want to leave him with her and it was heartbreaking to see him develop alot of her traits even though he spent most of his time with me.  She is a high flying career woman who earns big money and she is also dangling that in front of me.

I have no interest in her money.  Just recieved a long rambling txt asking me to be on sunday.

[WalrusGumboot]

Keith99,

Before responding, I went and read a bit on your background. Now I am wondering why going to Australia is even being considered? She is an ex, she divorced you, and your obligation to her is over. Regarding your son, she makes the big bucks as you stated, so putting him on a plane to the UK would not break her.

But, in my opinion, that is not what is going on. This is about her, not him. I would be very skeptical about her medical stories (more like fables). Even if they were true, she probably wants you there because she has nobody else there to be with her during her hospital stay. She will be sweet and appreciative and make you feel good about what you are doing. When she recovers and she got what she wanted out of you, things will go back to normal.

This is a trap, my friend.

WG