facing reality?

[Billa]

yersterday I had a very heavy session with my T. She told me I'm giving too much importance to the circumstance that my exBPDbf suddenly unblocked me on Facebook and Whatsapp, building a reality that exists only in my mind, pure wishful thinling. She said she's quite convinced that my "unblocking" wasn't purposeful, he is no more angry, that's all. She thinks that he knows that the way I tend to live our r/s, asking for intimacy and presence, is no good for him, so he would never come back. I'm really confused, I agree with her that I'm doing a lot of wishful thinking, and that it is dangerous for me, but I strongly disagree when she tries to convince me that my ex unblocked me without any further intention. Perhaps it could be he want to revenge, to hurt me again, I don't know, but I can't believe he unblocked me just to do it.

[Validation78]

Hi Billa!

My heart goes out to you! I have spent countless precious hours trying to figure out why my ex did things during our marriage, and now after it as well. It's hard to stop it because we are so conditioned to expect the unexpected. The simple fact remains that we probably will not ever be able to figure it out. They may not even know themselves why they do things. I feel confident that there is no logic, at least not ordered logic.

Bottom line is, we would be better served putting the energy towards ourselves and our healing. If you are doing wishful thinking and know it's not good for you, what can you do to help yourself and not continue with a thought process that you feel is unhealthy?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[laelle]

Hey Billa,

It sounds like your T invalidated a secret wish you may have?  The one where he comes back, is no longer mental, and you can live happily ever after?

Your T can not tell the future anymore than any one of us, but she probably preferred that you focus on you and why you have a "secret" wish to have a

relationship with someone who treats you badly. 

He could come back, but what then?  You no longer have room for him because you are taking care of you.  He will NEVER accept that.

Instead of giving this power to him... . (why he unblocked you)  Focus on the fact that it doesnt matter why because you dont want someone in your life

who does not respect your want or needs.

Why would you think less of yourself than to do so?  Your worth it!   

[Billa]

Hey Billa,

It sounds like your T invalidated a secret wish you may have?  The one where he comes back, is no longer mental, and you can live happily ever after?

Your T can not tell the future anymore than any one of us, but she probably preferred that you focus on you and why you have a "secret" wish to have a

relationship with someone who treats you badly. 

I think you're right, I'm desperately longing to see him again, to talk to him... . I dream of him a lot. And my T, I agree with you, in some way, tried to warn me about the danger he represents for me, by destroying my hopes... . but it was very painful.

[pari]

It sounds like your T invalidated a secret wish you may have?  The one where he comes back, is no longer mental, and you can live happily ever after?

You nailed it laelle. It's a secret wish that I still have. I often find myself dealing with conflict, like I am torn into 2 -

Part A: knows that he is not healthy for me and that no matter how much I will try, it's not going to work. I cannot afford to damage myself any more

Part B: Secretly wishes that he sees a magical light and calls me one day, takes me out, comforts me and we will work it out. We will live happily ever after. Because our r/s was so intense and so passionate, just like a dream. He is everything I ever wanted, sans the disorder. 

When Part B starts to take over, I jump right here for support. 

[Billa]

My T says it is something crazy to wish, to wish a man who hurt you so much to come back, I mean. She says it's not love, just attachment. She claims that love can't exist when there is pain and hurting. I disagree, at least partially. It's only human, I think, as you can't stop loving a person just because he turned out very different from the man you thought he was. It takes time to do it, to detach... . and in the meantime, when the anger you felt in the moment they hurt so much fades, you only yearns for what they gave you once, in the beginning... . can't believe it's just a matter of attachment, really.

[laelle]

It sounds like your T invalidated a secret wish you may have?  The one where he comes back, is no longer mental, and you can live happily ever after?

You nailed it laelle. It's a secret wish that I still have. I often find myself dealing with conflict, like I am torn into 2 -

Part A: knows that he is not healthy for me and that no matter how much I will try, it's not going to work. I cannot afford to damage myself any more

Part B: Secretly wishes that he sees a magical light and calls me one day, takes me out, comforts me and we will work it out. We will live happily ever after. Because our r/s was so intense and so passionate, just like a dream. He is everything I ever wanted, sans the disorder. 

When Part B starts to take over, I jump right here for support. 

  This is EXCELLENT pari... . Its GREAT that you know realistically that it will never work, but of course you still have feelings for him!

That is completely normal.  Feelings come and go... . some good moments and some bad moments.  It's all in how you respond to them.

You said you come here when you feel the bad moments creep up.  This is a great way of showing support and love for yourself.

Hang in there, It gets better.

 Laelle

[laelle]

My T says it is something crazy to wish, to wish a man who hurt you so much to come back, I mean. She says it's not love, just attachment. She claims that love can't exist when there is pain and hurting. I disagree, at least partially. It's only human, I think, as you can't stop loving a person just because he turned out very different from the man you thought he was. It takes time to do it, to detach... . and in the meantime, when the anger you felt in the moment they hurt so much fades, you only yearns for what they gave you once, in the beginning... . can't believe it's just a matter of attachment, really.

What he gave you in the beginning was to "dazzle" you into overlooking everything else.  They fear abandonment and need control to help them stave off that abandonment.

What better way than to "control" you into accepting future behavior than by loving you up.  Giving you what they know you crave most.  The "appearance of unconditional love".  Its not real Billa.  If he loved you, he could never lie to you.  He could never put you down, he would only want to lift you up.  He would not criticize, he would encourage.  He gave you just enough to keep you "hooked".  Would you ever treat him the way he treated you?  What he did to you was not love.

Did you love him?  I'm not sure I can answer that as its something I am still processing myself.  Can you love someone who wasnt themselves?  If I were in a play I would not love the actor because his role was to tell me he loved me.  I would say validate your own feelings that it was love, and if you feel differently later... . well then you can tell your T she was right.  Love or detachment, your still in pain, and it hurts all the same.

I think your doing a great job!  Stay strong.

 Laelle

[Billa]

that's true, I would never treat him the way he treated me, for sure. Because I really cared for him and I wanted to give him the best I could. And I was doing it, as far as it was possible. Even if,  maybe he didn't realize it, due to his disorder. And this led me to make mistakes, many times, as I was treated in a way I couldn't understand, psychologically abused, given silent treatment, sarcasm and so on.  And I reacted to his behaviour, in ways that are not typical of my way of being, in our last time I became pure emotions, anxious and clingy, while normally I'm very rational and independent. So I know it cold not be love what he showed to me in the last period of our r/s, I know it was the exact contrary. And that also my way of loving is different. But I can't stop missing him. And, as you've written, does it mind if it is love or attachment, when I'm still in pain? thanks, Laelle, for being always here for me.

[laelle]

that's true, I would never treat him the way he treated me, for sure. Because I really cared for him and I wanted to give him the best I could. And I was doing it, as far as it was possible. Even if,  maybe he didn't realize it, due to his disorder. And this led me to make mistakes, many times, as I was treated in a way I couldn't understand, psychologically abused, given silent treatment, sarcasm and so on.  And I reacted to his behaviour, in ways that are not typical of my way of being, in our last time I became pure emotions, anxious and clingy, while normally I'm very rational and independent. So I know it cold not be love what he showed to me in the last period of our r/s, I know it was the exact contrary. And that also my way of loving is different. But I can't stop missing him. And, as you've written, does it mind if it is love or attachment, when I'm still in pain? thanks, Laelle, for being always here for me.

Exactly Billa... . I could not have said this better myself.

You are in pain because you feel you have lost something.  When you get down deep into your own emotions / past trauma, you will see that what you missed about

your relationship is not him, but the value he gave you, You dont need him to give you value... . especially at the expense of him always taking it back and abusing you along with it.  He cant give you what you need.  In reality, he cant give you anything.

Its ok to miss him tho... . part of healing is the uncomfortable squirmy feeling we get when we want to contact them, but DONT.  It hurts, but it will soon turn

into empowerment.  You will know you can handle anything that is thrown at you.  ROAR!


 Laelle