anyone else have a BPDexgf desperate to get married?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone. I am doing okay with my recovery but still wonder if I would have been split black if only I would have given her the ring when she wanted it six months into our relationship. I easily could have married her but my gut instinct told me to hold off. It seemed that she was more interested in being married than marrying ME.  After she gave me the marriage ultimatum, everything went down hill as her resentments built up for not having a ring. When she split me black, I went into damage control and bought her a very nice ring but it was too late. My ex best friend is now her new greatest love. It has been 7 months now and still find myself ruminating about her. She wanted to ruin my reputation by filing a false restraining order. I got it dismissed. What a horrible start to the year 2013. Any encouraging words from anyone here? What are the chances she would have still painted me black had I married her? Would it have always been something more that she wanted after the ring? car? new house? etc.?

[swimjim]

Hi everyone. I am doing okay with my recovery but still wonder if I would have been split black if only I would have given her the ring when she wanted it six months into our relationship. I easily could have married her but my gut instinct told me to hold off. It seemed that she was more interested in being married than marrying ME.  After she gave me the marriage ultimatum, everything went down hill as her resentments built up for not having a ring. When she split me black, I went into damage control and bought her a very nice ring but it was too late. My ex best friend is now her new greatest love. It has been 7 months now and still find myself ruminating about her. She wanted to ruin my reputation by filing a false restraining order. I got it dismissed. What a horrible start to the year 2013. Any encouraging words from anyone here? What are the chances she would have still painted me black had I married her? Would it have always been something more that she wanted after the ring? car? new house? etc.?

[elessar]

Hi Jim,

I was laughing a little bit reading this. Not at you, but at their behavior. Hey, my ex told me to buy a ring. I did. And then she said No. . She came back into my life after 4.5 years of splitting me black. I had asked her multiple times to marry me (without a ring). First she said... . "getting married next summer is too soon". Then one night of that summer she wanted to get married in two days. I said slow down, and she broke off saying I abandoned her. Then after a few months she started teasing, no ring... . proposal doesn't count. I would still ask her to marry me. Then one night she told, please save me. Please take me away. I told her, ok I will bring a ring. Few days later I didn't have a ring (it takes longer than 5 days to find the money to buy a diamond ring) and she flipped out. She said you never showed commitment. You just used me. You could have proposed without a ring if you couldn't buy it in 5 days. I was left speechless. Then she slapped me twice because she was so pissed off. She said only if you had ever bought a ring in the past 1.5 years, I would have said yes. So 4 weeks later I did buy a ring. And she said No. But by then I had known she is all words and no actions. She says big things but doesn't follow through because of her fear of commitment. She wants me in her life, but afraid to make a permanent commitment in case I ever abandon her. When she is sober she has a billion reasons why she says No to me. When drunk she has 2 reasons, what if I leave her afterwards, and her parents do not approve of me (different religion).

So yeah buddy, don't beat yourself up about proposing. She might have said yes, might have said No. It doesn't matter what you could have done though. It totally depends on them.

[swimjim]

Thanks Elessar for your response. Wow they switch their mind to the extremes and leave us abandoned and have someone else right away. It is so bizarre and so easy to move on for them. If they fall out of love before marriage, wouldn't they fall out of love after marriage? It is flattering when they tell you they KNOW you are the right one for the rest of their life. Then they dump you. Can anyone else relate to this? 

[gettingoverit]

Dude,

I totally know what you are talking about. My ex wanted things to move at lightning speed. She wanted me to move in with her three months into dating (I said no), She wanted me to move in with her after six months (I said no), she then bought me a ring on our one year anniversary insinuating that she would like us to get married (that kinda freaked me out). I told her that I wasn't ready and I needed more time. After that, the devaluing phase started with avengence. It became a rollercoaster ride of hell from that point on. My gut instinct was correct in telling me to slow it down. The point is, she wanted all of those things... . LIKE NOW. Forward six and half years, she leaves me for a friend who lied to me and stabbed me in the back, they got engaged THREE WEEKS after we split, and were married about 15 months later. I know for a fact my ex is more interested in the wedding day, then actually working on a marriage. These people like to move fast. Are they desperate? I think it depends on the BPD. It appears that there does seem to be a pattern of BPDs wanting to marry, buy the house, white picket fence, have kids... . cause "we are so in love right now and you are my soul mate" as fast as possible. Problem is, is that it never lasts. A year maybe two, then they feel unhappy again and dissatisfied and instead of looking at themselves, they blame you. Be glad you didn't marry her, because the outcome would have been the same, plus half your ___ would be gone too. Let your loser ex best friend have her. He deserves everything that's coming.

[swimjim]

Thanks Gettingoverit. Do you know if your ex is still happily married? Are you confident she will devalue him? Thanks for the encouraging words.

[elessar]

I know for a fact my ex is more interested in the wedding day, then actually working on a marriage. These people like to move fast. Are they desperate? I think it depends on the BPD. It appears that there does seem to be a pattern of BPDs wanting to marry, buy the house, white picket fence, have kids... .

... . i used to tell my ex, before i knew she was BPD... . that it seems to me you are far more interested in the wedding day than to whom you are getting married. her parents don't approve of me because of diff religion so they will never marry us. if we would have/do get married, it will be us and my family. and she used to complain how she won't have this nice wedding, won't have a thousand guests, won't have this wedding dress that she wanted. she is freaking out now because she wanted to have two kids before 30. she now turned 29. so she is quite upset about it. so yes, they do dream the big dreams, that perfect loving life. but since they cannot make the emotional commitment because of their fear of abandonment, they kick away the person who will actually provide them what they want.

[elessar]

Thanks Gettingoverit. Do you know if your ex is still happily married? Are you confident she will devalue him? Thanks for the encouraging words.

unless she gets treatment, she will devalue that guy. it will come one day. i have done too much research on BPD for too long for it to be otherwise. i don't think they are self-aware of their condition without treatment. the devaluation will start as soon as the honeymoon phase is over in her mind. it can be weeks or a few years.

[Octoberfest]

Dude,

I totally know what you are talking about. My ex wanted things to move at lightning speed. She wanted me to move in with her three months into dating (I said no), She wanted me to move in with her after six months (I said no), she then bought me a ring on our one year anniversary insinuating that she would like us to get married (that kinda freaked me out). I told her that I wasn't ready and I needed more time. After that, the devaluing phase started with avengence. It became a rollercoaster ride of hell from that point on. My gut instinct was correct in telling me to slow it down. The point is, she wanted all of those things... . LIKE NOW. Forward six and half years, she leaves me for a friend who lied to me and stabbed me in the back, they got engaged THREE WEEKS after we split, and were married about 15 months later. I know for a fact my ex is more interested in the wedding day, then actually working on a marriage. These people like to move fast. Are they desperate? I think it depends on the BPD. It appears that there does seem to be a pattern of BPDs wanting to marry, buy the house, white picket fence, have kids... . cause "we are so in love right now and you are my soul mate" as fast as possible. Problem is, is that it never lasts. A year maybe two, then they feel unhappy again and dissatisfied and instead of looking at themselves, they blame you. Be glad you didn't marry her, because the outcome would have been the same, plus half your ___ would be gone too. Let your loser ex best friend have her. He deserves everything that's coming.

Awesome man.  Awesome.  My ex best friend also screwed me over with my BPDex (they didnt date but hooked up at one point). I've disowned him, as have the rest of our mutual friend group for their own various reasons.

Be glad it is someone else and not you.  It isn't a matter of "someone else is going to be with this great person and have a great life", it is "someone else gets to deal with the lying and cheating and other behaviors that brought me to my knees, and I finally get a break and get to look for something better".

[Lucky Jim]

Hey SwimJim, Of course they are desperate to get married, in my view, because they are under the impression that it will alleviate their fear of abandonment, or at least lessen it.  Yet the opposite seems true, once married they are more fearful than ever that you will leave them and concoct all sorts of scenarios that seem to indicate that you have one foot out the door, without any basis in reality.  So in some ways, it gets even worse after marriage!  LuckyJim

[gettingoverit]

Thanks Gettingoverit. Do you know if your ex is still happily married? Are you confident she will devalue him? Thanks for the encouraging words.

Hey,

As far as I know they are still together, but then again they have only been married coming up a year in August. My ex can keep it together for quite a long time if there is something she really wants or is getting something out of it (new home perhaps). They appear happy, but than appearances can be deceiving. Who really knows? Her new soul mate I think has a few screws loose too (possible narcissist) , so they may just be perfect for one another. I know exactly how you feel right now. I still wonder why I couldn't make it work with her from time to time, but you know, whether or not they last does not mean they are happy and in blissful paradise. How many people live in loveless, ___ty marriages for years on end. All I know is that I don't have to put up with that crazy way of life anymore. I am off the rollercoaster ride and enjoying having my feet on the ground again. In time you will feel that way too.

[swimjim]

Thanks for your responses. My ex is not as attractive as most female BPDs. She is 52 and has still never been married. But she tried to trap an ex boyfriend 18 years ago by getting pregnant on purpose. He would not marry her and is not in the child's life. Maybe he also saw BPD in her. I still think she is clever enough to get someone like My ex friend to marry her. Darn, I wish I was at the point in My recovery to not even care. Something keeps telling me she really will marry My ex friend. They have been together 7 months since she painted me black I assume since she has not reached out to me. I have never been this crushed over a breakup in My life. I have to pray to God that some day I will realize that I have dodged a bullet. I have to have faith that following My gut instincts was in My best interests. Anyone else agree?

[winston72]

Anyone else agree?  Man, just about everyone on this board will agree!  Or, just read your own posts with a third party perspective... . the evidence is right there that this is in your best interests.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all.

Interesting topic, and one well discussed and experienced.

My exBP had been single 10 years when he met me, (early 2010, him almost 43 and I almost 42). His last serious relationship had broken up at almost the altar.

He was still stalking her on Facebook though, so after he had demanded access into mine, and started following any male friends I had, (that might have been locals) home, and making death threats, by this time I knew for sure that something was seriously wrong with him, (not learning what until much later).

I 'friended' his ex (wife to be) and after a brief message explaining who I was, I asked her if it was indeed her that ended it, and did she mind if I asked why?

No problem, she told me that he had been OK in the first year of their relationship, (it lasted 2 years), but he became increasingly abusive, and violent, and she demanded he either attend couples counselling with her, or the wedding was off.

I said 'Thanks' we discussed other stuff, and are still friends on Facebook today.

BP had told me that he had suspected she was a lesbian, her friends were more important than him, her parents were rich and she was spoilt, he paid for everything, (given what I have seen of him for the last 3 years I hardly believe that was true) and she demanded he seek counselling and he refused because she was already running off with other blokes anyway.

Truth was, that she was not running off with anyone else, she did try and draw the money out of their wedding account though, and then announced she was going to Europe to see her family for Christmas, BP decided to move out of her apartment, and their relationship was over on his count, he dumped her clearly.

Like he did all his partners.

He says it was all his money in that account, but clearly it wasn't, and like I said, he is into financial abuse, so I doubt it was all his cash.

She was testing to see if her leaving for a break would be the impetus he needed to change his ways. It wasn't.

He still talks about her today, and I don't doubt he will blame her forever for his being a committment phobic, which I found out he had said to a family member whilst he was with me, and calling himself 'my husband'.

Not only did he call himself 'my husband' but he demanded the privileges of being so, without meeting the requirements of that title.

As the relationship progressed, I spoke with him about how he felt about ever getting married. I told him I would like to marry him one day, and that was the depth of my feelings for him, (despite everything).

He never returned the sentiment, but kept calling himself my husband, and kept demanding the treatment of a legal spouse. I gave it, and it was never returned.

His closest, was one day he found a cheap ring in amongst some stuff someone had thrown out. It was a lovely gesture when he gave it to me, but his consistent actions just never seemed to add up to that gesture, and neither did his nasty words.

I wasn't desperate to get married to him, (and realistically knew he would need to get some serious help at some stage) but I merely wanted him to know that I felt that way about him, and would like that to happen some day.

(in my sweet fantasy mind!).

[babyducks]

SwimJim

Yes,  my Ex had a great need for us to get married, and the pace and timing was warp speed fast.  I kept dragging my feet,   maybe because I had some small sense that things weren't right but honestly, mostly because I physically couldn't move that fast.   

For some one who has a disordered fear of abandonment and cognitive distortions, I think marriage = safety. 

And because I wasn't providing the framework for marriage I was denying her safety and she reacted with the anger and fear of a drowning person who sees the shore but is being held back from reaching it.

The sad reality is that pwBPD have intense and volatile relationships that end up causing a lot of pain,  and yet what they want more than anything in the world is to have a relationship.  I can't even imagine what an existence that must be.

babyducks

[swimjim]

Part of what I am stuck obsessing about is how someone who once thought so great of you to want to marry you could all of a sudden have no feelings for you, no wait, I take that back, HATEFUL feelings toward you when they are done with you. Choosing my friend to triangulate with and pick me as the persecuter and then dragging me into court for me to go through the hell of having a false restraining order dismissed has been beyond comprehension over the last 6 months. I try to get inside her brain to figure out her angle on this but I come up with nothing but empty frustration. How does she justify it?

[gettingoverit]

Part of what I am stuck obsessing about is how someone who once thought so great of you to want to marry you could all of a sudden have no feelings for you, no wait, I take that back, HATEFUL feelings toward you when they are done with you. Choosing my friend to triangulate with and pick me as the persecuter and then dragging me into court for me to go through the hell of having a false restraining order dismissed has been beyond comprehension over the last 6 months. I try to get inside her brain to figure out her angle on this but I come up with nothing but empty frustration. How does she justify it?

That's the one thing that is so hard to wrap your head around... . how can they profess their love one day and loath you the next? It's part of the disorder. If you look at all the people on this board, we have all felt the sting of that inconsistency. It makes no sense, it seems ilogical, it seems off... . well that's because it is. It's a disorder for a reason. You can't make sense of it... . ever. This is because you think in an orderly fashion, they do not.

How does she justify it? Well in her mind she views you as dangerous, whether true or not, that is beside the point. She feels threatened by you. She also needs  "proof" of the story she's been telling your replacement. What better way to legitimize her story than getting a RO on you? Again this kind of behaviour is not uncommon for people with BPD. They pull this ___ all the time. Once they are done with you and have found someone else to latch on to, they will do what ever it takes to get rid of you. Even if it means lying through their teeth to the authorities. Make no mistake, these people can be very dangerous. My ex tried to have me arrested because I found out she had been lying to me about my now ex-friend and I called her on it. They will do anything to avoid accountability and feelings of shame. That's what makes them dangerous. As hard as this is for you right now, you need to understand this has nothing to do with you. It's not personal, even though it feels that way. Give it time... . lots of time. You will feel better with time. Trust me... .

[swimjim]

Thanks Gettingoverit. I need to keep realizing that it is not suppose to make sense. We can't rationalize abnormal behavior.