Need advice

[Angelnme]

So my BPDbf has been gone for work for 2 months now. We moved across the country to his hometown about 5 months ago, and then left. I don't know anyone out here except his family and I'm not working and I just sit around waiting on him. We are actually moving BACK very soon so no reason to find a job only to quit in a couple of weeks.

Anyway I have a cousin about 8 hours away, haven't seen each other in 15 years. So this morning I mentioned to my bf that while I'm waiting, I'd like to go see cousin. Bf said no and hung up on me. Very common behavior when he's upset and I've recently told him that I will no longer tolerate that behavior, that if he hangs up on me I will not answer any calls or texts for the rest of the day and if he can discuss vs control, we will talk at night.

So 7 hours later he called me. I got him to understand that this isn't a black-and-white topic; maybe we can compromise. His stance is that money is tight and he doesn't want me spending money on gas to go that far away. (Yet he just bought a boat for $15,000 cash... . ) I have some money saved and didn't plan to do much, just see my cousin.

So I thought maybe my cousin could meet me halfway. Bf still said no.

There is NO valid reason (in my mind) that I shouldn't go. So here are my questions:

How can I get him to understand that seeing my cousin is important, that I may not get this opportunity again?

Did I handle the hanging-up thing right? What do you all do when pwBPD hangs up on you? That's simply unacceptable behavior and it happens way too often. I want it to stop.

If I can't get him to agree, I'm considering going anyway. It would cause more harm than good in the long run but I honestly feel that this is nothing but a control/jealousy tactic... . even though he hangs out with friends and on the boat and motorcycle rides etc while I sit here alone and wait.

Thanks for any advice.

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[Rockylove]

... . even though he hangs out with friends and on the boat and motorcycle rides etc while I sit here alone and wait.

  What would he do if you told him that it was important for you to see your cousin, it isn't open for discussion and you go?  Remember, he can only control you if you allow him to. 

[Angelnme]

Good question... . You never know. Not talk to me for a few days? A few weeks? Cheat on me again? Or he could be totally fine with it! This is where I'm still weak... . I still walk on eggshells. God forbid he gets upset.

I learned that he and his son had an argument today which likely contributed to his attitude towards me. Timing is everything... .

[waverider]

Why does he have to agree? Its your money and your time and has zero impact on him in real terms. His issue about it is his issue.

Do you generally feel as though you have to get his agreement on things that have nothing to do with him?

Behavior like this can expand to take total control over everything you do.

What do you think is the right and considerate thing to do if you think about it in an objective way?

You are an individual he does not own you. It is more important to hold onto that fact when in a BPD relationship than it even is in a regular relationship.

You are dealing with the sense of entitlement that often comes as part of BPD

[Chosen]

In the hanging up part: H does this when he's angry/ dysregulated too.

Sometimes he would call just to hurl abuse at me (and I don't get to say anything) then he would hang up.  He would do it repeatedly.

He does it less now, probably because I changed my tactic.

Now, when he does it the first time, I will let him know that the next time he hangs up like that, I will not pick up the phone.  And then if he hangs up then call again, I won't pick up.

As long as you keep picking up the phone, they will feel like they can hang up on you whenever they want- it's all a matter of control.

[Angelnme]

Thank you all for your input. And there's a common theme: control.

I don't know how to "quote", but wave rider this was a real eye-opener:

Why does he have to agree? Its your money and your time and has zero impact on him in real terms. His issue about it is his issue.

Thank you.

[allibaba]

Girl,

You have to go to visit your cousin if its important to you.  Be prepared that he may have an extinction burst!

I am going through hell with my husband right now (lot's of posting in my topice - My worst fear)... . but the strangest thing is happening.  :)espite all the threats and the rage, I feel better physically than when I just did what I was told and scurried around walking on eggshells.

I was thinking this morning, I would have been totally ok being controlled if he had just been reasonable about it!    What is wrong with me.  The reality is that he's not reasonable and every time I let him control me... . things got worse and worse.

Without changes, things will only get worse   Sorry

Allibaba

[waverider]

... . but the strangest thing is happening.  :)espite all the threats and the rage, I feel better physically than when I just did what I was told and scurried around walking on eggshells.

Exactly, clarity + sense of purpose=empowerment.

Empowerment leads to an inner calm and balanced direction

This is why we need our own hands on our own steering wheels. You then get the choice to travel the same path.

Doing things by choice, rather than by demand brings greater rewards.