Hooking me back in?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The last few days have been rocky. I'm feeling upset at being attacked by his family for "trying to say that he has done things we know he would never do". They approached me. I told them the truth. I think in the future it might be best to say "I've told you about his problems. Needless to say there has been no change. I'm sorry you are worried" and leave it at that.

My husband informed me he was moving out. I asked to talk about it - no response. I asked if talking about it with his therapist present would work better for him - no response. I ask if he was leaving the marriage as well as the home - no response. I went to my therapy session and my therapist encouraged me to feel the pain and have faith that if I left I would be ok. I decided to surrender to the process, if he leaves, so be it. So, I am trying to focus on feeling the pain.

He then asks if he can stay until he organises his new place and intimates it will only a few days. I said ok without setting any other boundaries  . He wouldn't tell me when he was going to arrive home the first night, came home at midnight (7hrs after his shift finishes) and disturbed my sons, who wanted to know where he is and when he will be home and then why is he here so late.

I set some boundaries. Since he has no keys and I'm not going to bed leaving the house unlocked, he nominated a time range when he will be home. I set a per night "rental" (he has been paying "rent" after he redirected his salary to his own account last year) to be paid in cash when he stays. I said I would not let anyone stay if they acted in a way that upset the boys. If he accepted all that, he could stay. I thought we reached agreement  

On the first night he try to vary the time, tell me he would pay a different amount, and by bank transfer not cash. I said it was a "take it or leave it offer" and since if was 5 minutes past the boundary time, I was shutting the 6' gates, I also locked up the house, and went to bed. I think he slept in his car. The second night he tried to do the same thing. I said no again. He came home. He cuddled me in bed and held my hand.

He has been sending me requests "I need more detail about my rental price, I want to come to your therapy to talk about moving out etc". I said no based on the current information which is he is moving out in a few days and it wasn't relevant to the best of my knowledge. He has been trying to come to see my therapist for months. I am very suspicious of his motives and we normally see his therapist together, which I offered to do with no response from him.

I don't know if I am being a bit mean or holding appropriate boundaries. I think he is trying to throw out hooks to see if I will bite which is what he does and I don't feel inclined to do so. If he wants to stay I feel like he should come out with it rather than trying to manipulate me make the first move. I know in the past I have picked up those hooks but I don't feel like I want to this time. Am I being mean and wrong?

[HoldingAHurricane]

The last few days have been rocky. I'm feeling upset at being attacked by his family for "trying to say that he has done things we know he would never do". They approached me. I told them the truth. I think in the future it might be best to say "I've told you about his problems. Needless to say there has been no change. I'm sorry you are worried" and leave it at that.

My husband informed me he was moving out. I asked to talk about it - no response. I asked if talking about it with his therapist present would work better for him - no response. I ask if he was leaving the marriage as well as the home - no response. I went to my therapy session and my therapist encouraged me to feel the pain and have faith that if I left I would be ok. I decided to surrender to the process, if he leaves, so be it. So, I am trying to focus on feeling the pain.

He then asks if he can stay until he organises his new place and intimates it will only a few days. I said ok without setting any other boundaries  . He wouldn't tell me when he was going to arrive home the first night, came home at midnight (7hrs after his shift finishes) and disturbed my sons, who wanted to know where he is and when he will be home and then why is he here so late.

I set some boundaries. Since he has no keys and I'm not going to bed leaving the house unlocked, he nominated a time range when he will be home. I set a per night "rental" (he has been paying "rent" after he redirected his salary to his own account last year) to be paid in cash when he stays. I said I would not let anyone stay if they acted in a way that upset the boys. If he accepted all that, he could stay. I thought we reached agreement  

On the first night he try to vary the time, tell me he would pay a different amount, and by bank transfer not cash. I said it was a "take it or leave it offer" and since if was 5 minutes past the boundary time, I was shutting the 6' gates, I also locked up the house, and went to bed. I think he slept in his car. The second night he tried to do the same thing. I said no again. He came home. He cuddled me in bed and held my hand.

He has been sending me requests "I need more detail about my rental price, I want to come to your therapy to talk about moving out etc". I said no based on the current information which is he is moving out in a few days and it wasn't relevant to the best of my knowledge. He has been trying to come to see my therapist for months. I am very suspicious of his motives and we normally see his therapist together, which I offered to do with no response from him.

I don't know if I am being a bit mean or holding appropriate boundaries. I think he is trying to throw out hooks to see if I will bite which is what he does and I don't feel inclined to do so. If he wants to stay I feel like he should come out with it rather than trying to manipulate me make the first move. I know in the past I have picked up those hooks but I don't feel like I want to this time. Am I being mean and wrong?

[shamrock]

You are not mean & you are right. BPD'S are expert at "give them an inch, they'll take a mile" so if you allow 5min tonight it'll  be 30 tomorrow night. He wants to change the method of paying you so that he is in control.

In my experience BPD's require a strong sense of structure (although at times they seem to avoid any semblance of structure) and you are actually being more helpful to him by sticking to your rules.

Remember the most important person in your life is you (and your sons). If you don't look after yourself you'll become lost in the confusion.

Believe it or not but this reply was written with the help of my dBPDw

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