a new dawn

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Brief update, last week my exBPD-gf reached out to me. She was newly engaged, scheduled to marry in September and then move 6 hours away. She called to 'let you know, because its the right thing to do.' She also told me that I was the love of her life, and she regretted terribly how she had treated me, and that she would love to reconnect perhaps as friends (although her feelings were too strong to be friends). She was in therapy, and she was 'better.'

I was devastated, both because of her pending nuptials, and also because she admiitted lingereing 'feelings.'

Nonetheless, thanks to self-preservation, and help from people on this board, I didn't call her again and ignored her follow-up calls/ txt messages. I rapidly felt better... . really.

Today, I bumped into a casual friend of mine, who also happens to be a colleague of hers.

Apparently she called off the wedding this past weekend.

This afternoon when she called, I answered. She raged. I had ruined her life; she could never love/trust anyone else because of this toxic relationship; I had lied incessantly about my feelings, and abandoned her; I had prevented her from being a mother; etc etc.

While listening to her, I felt shame initially, then a bit of defensive anger, and then sudden, tremendous relief. I was disconnected. It didn't hurt (much). It wasn't my fault... . I didn't do anything this time. I wasn't even a direct variable in the equation; I hadn't reached out to her in over 9 months. Yet it was still my fault... . brilliant!  I actually smiled at my sense of relief while she lashed out. Nothing had changed.

I told her I was sorry for her pain, that she could salvage her engagement if she so chose, apologized for the bad decisions we both had made, and bid her the best of luck.  5 minutes later she texts with an apology, and invited me to lunch tomorrow.

Poor guy.

It isn't his fault, it isn't my fault... . it's all in her mind.

At this moment, I feel vindicated. I feel liberated. 

[johnnyonthespot]

Brief update, last week my exBPD-gf reached out to me. She was newly engaged, scheduled to marry in September and then move 6 hours away. She called to 'let you know, because its the right thing to do.' She also told me that I was the love of her life, and she regretted terribly how she had treated me, and that she would love to reconnect perhaps as friends (although her feelings were too strong to be friends). She was in therapy, and she was 'better.'

I was devastated, both because of her pending nuptials, and also because she admiitted lingereing 'feelings.'

Nonetheless, thanks to self-preservation, and help from people on this board, I didn't call her again and ignored her follow-up calls/ txt messages. I rapidly felt better... . really.

Today, I bumped into a casual friend of mine, who also happens to be a colleague of hers.

Apparently she called off the wedding this past weekend.

This afternoon when she called, I answered. She raged. I had ruined her life; she could never love/trust anyone else because of this toxic relationship; I had lied incessantly about my feelings, and abandoned her; I had prevented her from being a mother; etc etc.

While listening to her, I felt shame initially, then a bit of defensive anger, and then sudden, tremendous relief. I was disconnected. It didn't hurt (much). It wasn't my fault... . I didn't do anything this time. I wasn't even a direct variable in the equation; I hadn't reached out to her in over 9 months. Yet it was still my fault... . brilliant!  I actually smiled at my sense of relief while she lashed out. Nothing had changed.

I told her I was sorry for her pain, that she could salvage her engagement if she so chose, apologized for the bad decisions we both had made, and bid her the best of luck.  5 minutes later she texts with an apology, and invited me to lunch tomorrow.

Poor guy.

It isn't his fault, it isn't my fault... . it's all in her mind.

At this moment, I feel vindicated. I feel liberated. 

[Octoberfest]

Brief update, last week my exBPD-gf reached out to me. She was newly engaged, scheduled to marry in September and then move 6 hours away. She called to 'let you know, because its the right thing to do.' She also told me that I was the love of her life, and she regretted terribly how she had treated me, and that she would love to reconnect perhaps as friends (although her feelings were too strong to be friends). She was in therapy, and she was 'better.'

I was devastated, both because of her pending nuptials, and also because she admiitted lingereing 'feelings.'

Nonetheless, thanks to self-preservation, and help from people on this board, I didn't call her again and ignored her follow-up calls/ txt messages. I rapidly felt better... . really.

Today, I bumped into a casual friend of mine, who also happens to be a colleague of hers.

Apparently she called off the wedding this past weekend.

This afternoon when she called, I answered. She raged. I had ruined her life; she could never love/trust anyone else because of this toxic relationship; I had lied incessantly about my feelings, and abandoned her; I had prevented her from being a mother; etc etc.

While listening to her, I felt shame initially, then a bit of defensive anger, and then sudden, tremendous relief. I was disconnected. It didn't hurt (much). It wasn't my fault... . I didn't do anything this time. I wasn't even a direct variable in the equation; I hadn't reached out to her in over 9 months. Yet it was still my fault... . brilliant!  I actually smiled at my sense of relief while she lashed out. Nothing had changed.

I told her I was sorry for her pain, that she could salvage her engagement if she so chose, apologized for the bad decisions we both had made, and bid her the best of luck.  5 minutes later she texts with an apology, and invited me to lunch tomorrow.

Poor guy.

It isn't his fault, it isn't my fault... . it's all in her mind.

At this moment, I feel vindicated. I feel liberated. 

Johnny... . Awesome.  Simply awesome.  Not that she is crashing in burning, but in that you have found some inner peace.  That you are able to stop blaming yourself.  I hope to find the peace that you have.  You are someone to look up to.

[winston72]

Great to hear... . so encouraging.  I can imagine that phone call from her to tell you about her pending wedding would have been terrible... . so it is a manifestation of hope that your growth enabled you to respond so well when she contacted you later.  Thank you for sharing this story.ß