CHECKING IN. Realizations and progress

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So It has been almost 8 months since my exBPDgf and and I Broke up and has been around 6 months NC. Been a couple months since my last post but some recent events wanted me to check in and get some input.  It has been a weird process and a lot has happened in the mean time. I began therapy for myself with a Psychologist who specializes in relationships, identity issues and a multitude of other things. Therapy has helped me to detach myself even more and get clarity on things. Mostly myself and why I put myself in the situation I did and taking steps on making sure it doesn't happen again or to take all the steps in stop it from happening again. We started with the reaationship and worked backwards with past "relationships" and even those of my parents and other non romantic realationships and diverged a pattern on things. It has helped a lot

Second I am still on my martial arts track and have been competing a lot more. Its amazing how much i did not know my training was affected the situation from then to now. I mean though I am putting in more time now I truly believe that the constant stress of my situation had an adverse affect on my training martial arts and conditioning wise.

As far as other progress she is less and less on my mind and I couldn't be happier. I mean certain things will trigger and I think about her if a memory pops up or something reminds me of her but I am at the place now where I have accepted that is normal and bound to happen. However unlike before in the time right after the break up I am able to be mindful of my feelings (insert star wars reference here haha) and understand that just because i think of her or am reminded of her that I don't necessarily miss her and even if I miss certain aspects that it does not necessarily mean that I want to be with her any longer which is a huge step. FINALLY and I think the most important for me is THE DREAMS HAVE STOPPED. Since our breakl up i was constantly awoken to dreams of her or us and ruminations of things. If I wasn't dreaming I would wake up with her on my mind or unable to sleep at all.

As far as other relationshups I have someone who I have been friends and a co worker that is progressing SLOWLY and VERY SLOWLY to more than friends. If anything positive came out of my relationship with my exgf is I learned the reality of relationships and that it isn't all Disney and nicholas sparks. There are aspects of nicholas sparks sure but there is also reality. It also taught me to be selfish in a positive way and assert myself.

Finally some questions. Though I have gone NC I did the occasional Facebook snooping as curiosity got the best of me and it actually helped me detach. Every time i would feel less and less weird as others on here have had the opposite affect but it helped me a lot. I got a glimpse of her new love interest who I believe she is going to move in with and is possibly engaged to if I'm not mistaken. For a time frame perspective she loved me unconditionally and couldn't see herself without me to us breaking up and being with him 3 weeks later. Anyway now to my point or question I guess. has anybody had experience where there ex's new interest has traits or characteristics that our ex shunned or didn't approve of or support while they were with us? in my case it was my political views and "conspiracy theories". I have an interesting political view that i won't get into on here but her and I talked about things and while she never showed complete disgust for it the time it came up she said I was pissing her off because I didn't agree with her and some of the things I thought was crazy and was dumb for thinking that way. I heard that a million times so it doesn't affect me. But her new interest has almost identical views to what I have. Hope that made sense.

Anyway I am a completely changed person since my first post on here and am on a positive track. Hope all is well with you fine folks and I will be on here more for support as I know I am not the only one out there going through things.

Cheers

[mnwushu89]

So It has been almost 8 months since my exBPDgf and and I Broke up and has been around 6 months NC. Been a couple months since my last post but some recent events wanted me to check in and get some input.  It has been a weird process and a lot has happened in the mean time. I began therapy for myself with a Psychologist who specializes in relationships, identity issues and a multitude of other things. Therapy has helped me to detach myself even more and get clarity on things. Mostly myself and why I put myself in the situation I did and taking steps on making sure it doesn't happen again or to take all the steps in stop it from happening again. We started with the reaationship and worked backwards with past "relationships" and even those of my parents and other non romantic realationships and diverged a pattern on things. It has helped a lot

Second I am still on my martial arts track and have been competing a lot more. Its amazing how much i did not know my training was affected the situation from then to now. I mean though I am putting in more time now I truly believe that the constant stress of my situation had an adverse affect on my training martial arts and conditioning wise.

As far as other progress she is less and less on my mind and I couldn't be happier. I mean certain things will trigger and I think about her if a memory pops up or something reminds me of her but I am at the place now where I have accepted that is normal and bound to happen. However unlike before in the time right after the break up I am able to be mindful of my feelings (insert star wars reference here haha) and understand that just because i think of her or am reminded of her that I don't necessarily miss her and even if I miss certain aspects that it does not necessarily mean that I want to be with her any longer which is a huge step. FINALLY and I think the most important for me is THE DREAMS HAVE STOPPED. Since our breakl up i was constantly awoken to dreams of her or us and ruminations of things. If I wasn't dreaming I would wake up with her on my mind or unable to sleep at all.

As far as other relationshups I have someone who I have been friends and a co worker that is progressing SLOWLY and VERY SLOWLY to more than friends. If anything positive came out of my relationship with my exgf is I learned the reality of relationships and that it isn't all Disney and nicholas sparks. There are aspects of nicholas sparks sure but there is also reality. It also taught me to be selfish in a positive way and assert myself.

Finally some questions. Though I have gone NC I did the occasional Facebook snooping as curiosity got the best of me and it actually helped me detach. Every time i would feel less and less weird as others on here have had the opposite affect but it helped me a lot. I got a glimpse of her new love interest who I believe she is going to move in with and is possibly engaged to if I'm not mistaken. For a time frame perspective she loved me unconditionally and couldn't see herself without me to us breaking up and being with him 3 weeks later. Anyway now to my point or question I guess. has anybody had experience where there ex's new interest has traits or characteristics that our ex shunned or didn't approve of or support while they were with us? in my case it was my political views and "conspiracy theories". I have an interesting political view that i won't get into on here but her and I talked about things and while she never showed complete disgust for it the time it came up she said I was pissing her off because I didn't agree with her and some of the things I thought was crazy and was dumb for thinking that way. I heard that a million times so it doesn't affect me. But her new interest has almost identical views to what I have. Hope that made sense.

Anyway I am a completely changed person since my first post on here and am on a positive track. Hope all is well with you fine folks and I will be on here more for support as I know I am not the only one out there going through things.

Cheers

[Tordesillas]

My ex use to hate my field of work (music/entertainment).  It was a HUGE source of conflict in our relationship.  She hated the industry, most of the people, the culture.  And I wasn't even big into it.  I did my job and didn't buy into most of the lifestyle and the drama.  She said I was a huge exception to her rule about not dating men in the industry. 

Fast forward.  The guy she is now with works in music/entertainment.  Clearly I wasn't much of an exception.  The hilarious part is that she use to always go on and on about how dumb a girl would have to be to date a DJ, specifically.  What is her new boyfriend?  Yup.  A DJ. 

Her lack of consistency was one of the earliest red flags for me.  And yet it never ceases to amaze me just HOW inconsistent she can be. 

[paperlung]

Ex is/was an atheist and said that she could never date a religious person but is now in a relationship with a Mormon.

[Pretty Woman]

It really sounds like you are on the right track. Very happy for you. I found therapy has really helped me a lot. My ex dumped me and hooked up with her ex from 10yrs ago a week later.

You know when you step back you can see things a lot clearer. When we were looking for rings she was really looking at rings for her "new girlfriend" not me.

It's hard to hear because we so deserve to be happy and loved. You just have to not think about the why's and whos (who they left you for). We are not at the same brain functioning level. BPD's thrive on chaos and we have been spit from their spinning wheel. It is very sad they have to live their lives like that but it is not our problem anymore.

I think it is awesome you are keeping up with martial arts and taking it slow in your new relationship. It sounds like you may have attracted someone very special.

My therapist pointed out something I never thought about when attracting a mate and I'd like to share.

When you describe your faults do you see those similarities in your ex partner?

For example, people think I am confident but I am not. I am afraid to be alone, afraid to lose, I am not happy with myself.

That is what I attracted. I attracted someone who seemed confident but possessed all those bad traits... . and was mentally ill.

This really was my WOW moment.  Once you change you and your perception of self you will attract people who are similar... . including friends.

You sound really good. I really wish you the best on your journey. May it be filled with love and lots of happiness!