struggling so hard- ex went NC not me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ok so my story is on the board elsewhere. Summary: younger 'artist'/perpetual student (him), stunning, sexy, charming, needy and narcissistic as all hell. Me 4 years older single mum in difficult divorce situation with pre existing depression. Ex came to me draped in   like a flipping parade float: lots of criticism early on, jealousy, controlling behaviour, fits of temper etc. Amazing sex, the odd really nice holiday and fun, ghastly bitter arguments. He felt entitled to 'share '

I cut the relationship down and down trying to set boundaries. Told him we clearly couldn't live together etc. But he still kept pushing to see me and for skype etc and text sex. I eventually also tried to withdraw from that feeling really uncomfortable at being used as an object and source of free holidays. He sent the most beautiful email telling me I was his priority in life etc, wanted to be my friend forever and hoped there could be more in future etc etc.

I really believed he was changing and that is when my life fell apart. He withdrew more and more after that and we started rowing again as I could not understand how he could do that after what he had said. I had expected a new man (yeah v stupid  :'()

Anyway he completely cut me off at the beginning of this month. Sent a pompous email telling me he wished me serenity in my life and to 'let go of the hate'.

I have not behaved well since then. Didn't manage the NC at all. Started with enraged texts because he ignored the fact that I had been left pregnant from his last doomed visit! I went through an abortion alone without a word from him. Since then have run the gamut of texts and emails (me only) and have ended up saying sorry for what I did wrong although not saying I was responsible for everything (cos I sure wasn't).

There is total silence. I think maybe I dealt too big a wound to his narcissism, because I told him a lot of home truths in the emails about how badly I think he has treated me and how immature and irresponsible he is. It wasn't nice and I shouldn't have done it.

however, he's done it to me before and I always forgave (yeah, stupid... .   )


I am really starting to wonder now, if he was right. Am I the psycho? I didn't try to live off him, take from him continually, demand 'treats' and 'spoiling', demand to be put on the deeds of a house I didnt' want to live in, break into his email, accuse him of orgies and affairs (he had one in the end, I didn't),

taunt him with mental illness and being 'a mad' (he taunted me a lot for being depressed), scream and tantrum because I read books while we were living together; I forgave him repeatedly for abuse and exploitation. He has clearly not forgiven me!

What I did do was engage in the emotional violence and verbal abuse when I should have walked away (although with his clinging and recylcing he made it very hard- I did try many times and failed). I am also snappy and depressive and have a very stressful life which I know must have been hard for him. When I lose my temper I really lose it and then take a while to come down. Again I think I had many reasons for it but sometimes no doubt was being grumpy.

Something really dark and desperate came out of me when he went NC with that patronising message after playing with my emotions so much just a week before. I feel deeply ashamed.  Its' still with me.

The thing is that on these boards, the 'good' person goes NC and sticks to it. He thinks I am the psycho who is 'harassing' him. Maybe I am.

I just feel so deeply ashamed and broken. A shell of the person I was before i met him, which wasn't great to start with.

how long before I stop checking the phone every 5 mins to see if he has phoned and forgiven me the way i've forgiven him? I don't want him back. But I want not to feel like nothing, something he threw away like trash.

:'(

[delusionalxox]

Ok so my story is on the board elsewhere. Summary: younger 'artist'/perpetual student (him), stunning, sexy, charming, needy and narcissistic as all hell. Me 4 years older single mum in difficult divorce situation with pre existing depression. Ex came to me draped in   like a flipping parade float: lots of criticism early on, jealousy, controlling behaviour, fits of temper etc. Amazing sex, the odd really nice holiday and fun, ghastly bitter arguments. He felt entitled to 'share '

I cut the relationship down and down trying to set boundaries. Told him we clearly couldn't live together etc. But he still kept pushing to see me and for skype etc and text sex. I eventually also tried to withdraw from that feeling really uncomfortable at being used as an object and source of free holidays. He sent the most beautiful email telling me I was his priority in life etc, wanted to be my friend forever and hoped there could be more in future etc etc.

I really believed he was changing and that is when my life fell apart. He withdrew more and more after that and we started rowing again as I could not understand how he could do that after what he had said. I had expected a new man (yeah v stupid  :'()

Anyway he completely cut me off at the beginning of this month. Sent a pompous email telling me he wished me serenity in my life and to 'let go of the hate'.

I have not behaved well since then. Didn't manage the NC at all. Started with enraged texts because he ignored the fact that I had been left pregnant from his last doomed visit! I went through an abortion alone without a word from him. Since then have run the gamut of texts and emails (me only) and have ended up saying sorry for what I did wrong although not saying I was responsible for everything (cos I sure wasn't).

There is total silence. I think maybe I dealt too big a wound to his narcissism, because I told him a lot of home truths in the emails about how badly I think he has treated me and how immature and irresponsible he is. It wasn't nice and I shouldn't have done it.

however, he's done it to me before and I always forgave (yeah, stupid... .   )


I am really starting to wonder now, if he was right. Am I the psycho? I didn't try to live off him, take from him continually, demand 'treats' and 'spoiling', demand to be put on the deeds of a house I didnt' want to live in, break into his email, accuse him of orgies and affairs (he had one in the end, I didn't),

taunt him with mental illness and being 'a mad' (he taunted me a lot for being depressed), scream and tantrum because I read books while we were living together; I forgave him repeatedly for abuse and exploitation. He has clearly not forgiven me!

What I did do was engage in the emotional violence and verbal abuse when I should have walked away (although with his clinging and recylcing he made it very hard- I did try many times and failed). I am also snappy and depressive and have a very stressful life which I know must have been hard for him. When I lose my temper I really lose it and then take a while to come down. Again I think I had many reasons for it but sometimes no doubt was being grumpy.

Something really dark and desperate came out of me when he went NC with that patronising message after playing with my emotions so much just a week before. I feel deeply ashamed.  Its' still with me.

The thing is that on these boards, the 'good' person goes NC and sticks to it. He thinks I am the psycho who is 'harassing' him. Maybe I am.

I just feel so deeply ashamed and broken. A shell of the person I was before i met him, which wasn't great to start with.

how long before I stop checking the phone every 5 mins to see if he has phoned and forgiven me the way i've forgiven him? I don't want him back. But I want not to feel like nothing, something he threw away like trash.

:'(

[bpdspell]

I am really starting to wonder now, if he was right. Am I the psycho?

Servalan,

I can feel your pain; it's palpable. Your story is so much like my own and for the most part your are in the throws of an addiction bond. Your ex has ripped off unhealed scabs of your own unhealed past and the pain has sent you reeling. I know the feeling. It feels like someone is throwing you down an elevator shaft every hour on the hour. Or it feels like you've eaten glass for lunch... . or it feels like you've been thrown off the Brooklyn Bridge... . I know it hurts really bad so I'm here to validate your pain.

Even though there isn't an official diagnosis your ex's behavior certainly points toward mental illness. Healthy people simply don't treat others in this cold, careless and callous way. Whether BPD or not you've got to get in touch with your feelings. On BPD family it is recommended that you seek some form of trauma bonding therapy. It is quite apparent that you are emotionally suffering deeply and feeling abandonment pain. A therapist can help you sort your feelings out.

From what you write I can see that you aren't ready to fully let go and that's ok. I too have done things I'm not proud of in attempts to avoid being completely abandoned. Learn to forgive yourself.

But I want you to know that you have the power to lessen your suffering by reading the articles on here and understanding the breadth of what your dealing with. This man cannot bring you happiness, joy or peace. I don't care how good the sex is. He is deeply sick and "acting out" in order to get you to serve his incessant bottomless needs. BPD's cannot be happy unless they are controlling you like a puppet... . but even when they have control of the strings they don't respect you. You will never be able to fulfill a bottomless pit.

BPD is an attachment disorder but I suspect there are shreds of narcissism that are deeply imbedded in his character that are unshakable. His entitlement, blaming you, making himself the beholder of forgiveness, the distortions... . More than likely your ex is testing out new supply. And if he wants to be left alone you should do just that. But what if he comes back? Will that validate you and make you feel worthy?

My ex and I met at a very low point in my life. My ten year marriage was falling apart, my new business failed, and I was estranged from my family. My BPDexbf who's ten years younger moved in on my life and love bombed me, needed me, stroked my ego, and filled up my own emptiness temporarily until he switched it up on me. Everything became about him, financial abuse, time, sex, entitlement, control... . I thought he cared but in reality he wanted full control so he could manipulate... . in the end... . I was drained by a human parasite. Of course he cheated, lied, triangulated... . and I still took him back. In the end he physically assaulted me and that's when I was done for good. The thing is... . you give them an inch and they'll take 10 yards... . they have no boundaries and will impede upon every square inch of your life... .

Servalan. You are giving your ex way too much power. He is not the giver of life and does not put breath in your nostrils. He is a mentally ill abuser and you are only inviting more pain, shame and blame to your doorstep by believing that he has the keys to your happiness.

Do yourself a favor and seek therapeutic help. Post on here. Read the articles. Journal. Block his number. Take your power back. If you want to feel better you've got to fight for it.

Spell

[delgato]

The thing is that on these boards, the 'good' person goes NC and sticks to it.

I don't believe that's entirely accurate.

There are quite a few stories here where the pwBPD suddenly painted the non "black" & initiated indefinite/long-term/permanent "silent treatment." Happens for a variety of reasons.

Fortunately also happened to me -- twice with the same pwBPD, years apart. I truly view both times as the best gift I ever received from her.

No, it was not easy at first. And yes, I did immediately "chase" after her somewhat. But as I gained some time/distance/space from her, things got a lot better for me.


Things will get a lot better for you, too. It can take some time; progress is not always linear (e.g., 2 steps forward, 1 step back).


Finally, I believe the "good person" you are referring to is the half of the former couple who recognizes & acknowledges their own personal issues, and takes the time & effort to address & resolve them for a better personal life for themselves.

Honestly, odds are slim-to-none that the pwBPD will actually do this. However, the good news is, *you* have this ability!


Again, this is a truly a gift. Embrace it fully.

[laelle]

I am really starting to wonder now, if he was right. Am I the psycho?

Servalan,

I can feel your pain; it's palpable. Your story is so much like my own and for the most part your are in the throws of an addiction bond. Your ex has ripped off unhealed scabs of your own unhealed past and the pain has sent you reeling. I know the feeling. It feels like someone is throwing you down an elevator shaft every hour on the hour. Or it feels like you've eaten glass for lunch... . or it feels like you've been thrown off the Brooklyn Bridge... . I know it hurts really bad so I'm here to validate your pain.

Even though there isn't an official diagnosis your ex's behavior certainly points toward mental illness. Healthy people simply don't treat others in this cold, careless and callous way. Whether BPD or not you've got to get in touch with your feelings. On BPD family it is recommended that you seek some form of trauma bonding therapy. It is quite apparent that you are emotionally suffering deeply and feeling abandonment pain. A therapist can help you sort your feelings out.

From what you write I can see that you aren't ready to fully let go and that's ok. I too have done things I'm not proud of in attempts to avoid being completely abandoned. Learn to forgive yourself.

But I want you to know that you have the power to lessen your suffering by reading the articles on here and understanding the breadth of what your dealing with. This man cannot bring you happiness, joy or peace. I don't care how good the sex is. He is deeply sick and "acting out" in order to get you to serve his incessant bottomless needs. BPD's cannot be happy unless they are controlling you like a puppet... . but even when they have control of the strings they don't respect you. You will never be able to fulfill a bottomless pit.

BPD is an attachment disorder but I suspect there are shreds of narcissism that are deeply imbedded in his character that are unshakable. His entitlement, blaming you, making himself the beholder of forgiveness, the distortions... . More than likely your ex is testing out new supply. And if he wants to be left alone you should do just that. But what if he comes back? Will that validate you and make you feel worthy?

My ex and I met at a very low point in my life. My ten year marriage was falling apart, my new business failed, and I was estranged from my family. My BPDexbf who's ten years younger moved in on my life and love bombed me, needed me, stroked my ego, and filled up my own emptiness temporarily until he switched it up on me. Everything became about him, financial abuse, time, sex, entitlement, control... . I thought he cared but in reality he wanted full control so he could manipulate... . in the end... . I was drained by a human parasite. Of course he cheated, lied, triangulated... . and I still took him back. In the end he physically assaulted me and that's when I was done for good. The thing is... . you give them an inch and they'll take 10 yards... . they have no boundaries and will impede upon every square inch of your life... .

Servalan. You are giving your ex way too much power. He is not the giver of life and does not put breath in your nostrils. He is a mentally ill abuser and you are only inviting more pain, shame and blame to your doorstep by believing that he has the keys to your happiness.

Do yourself a favor and seek therapeutic help. Post on here. Read the articles. Journal. Block his number. Take your power back. If you want to feel better you've got to fight for it.

Spell

Amen!

[delusionalxox]

thing is I don't need to block his number. He won't be back. He's always pursued me in the past. And yes he must have another source of supply, ie someone else. Thank God I don't know who it is!

I was off his facebook months ago as he claimed I was too much of a psycho to be on it. (!) This was after I got upset because there was a picture of him on there with a woman he slept with a week after we split up one time... . taken on the night they slept together! urgh.

There was just so much emotional violence and brutality in the relationship. I am glad that has gone even though I realise I miss the drama.

BPDspell I have totally felt everything you have said in your posts here and elsewhere.

yes my ex would have done just as yours would have. Latched on and sucked me dry while making increasingly outrageous demands. he would have been expecting me to 'invest' in his crazy projects. meanwhile my life was supposed to be on hold.

I had a practical crisis today (house purchase fell through for bureaucratic reasons) and I realised that he would not have helped me at all, probably just sulked because I was preoccupied with something.

The thing is I think he tried in his own way. The near-final email was I think an attempt to confess something. It ended 'with all my heart, sorry' and that he had not appreciated how awful my situation was and how he was not helping.

Then the big blowup.

Why do they do this... . because they mean it at the time and it's a kind of final attempt at seduction? A way to find the chink in the armour that would let them back in?

That's the bit that haunts me.

That and that because of many things he has said, and because he was beautiful and I am not, I feel I am too old and ugly now to have passion again in my life. Indeed I can't imagine passion with anyone but him.

I don't want him back. He was a nightmare. Yet I feel somehow that 50% of my life is now over. I became a worn out old granny overnight! Hehe yes have to laugh.

I want him to apologise to me, see the light. But he won't. I just wish I did not feel so used up as if I gave him my blood and he just drank it and walked off.

The final discard along with high moral ground which you mention, BPDspell, seems more NPD than BPD to me and also why I think it's final. He had strong BPD traits too- the entitlement, financial dependence, clinging and anger if bottomless needs for attention were not met (and they never were), etc. Inability to cope with  my having any feeliings or needs which did not mesh immediately with his. Sexual addiction and compulsion to keep doing it regardless of whatever else  needed doing! Addiction to dope meaning that he could not rest or even sleep until the supply was finished. 

But the narc side I saw was this dreadful need to patronise and be a guru (when he's in no position at all in the world or his life to do that for anyone at all.) Could not bear any criticism at all and apart from that one email admitted no responsibility for ANYTHING at all except for being 'overcritical' (when in fact he was being an abusive bully, trying to control my every move and also being negative about my looks and body etc in typical abuser fashion).

He was not a nice person but underneath was a sad little boy and I wanted to help him. I also felt we were troubled soulmates. What an idiot  :'(

I feel worn out, used and a fool.

I rue the day he came into my life and I can't see the meaning yet, unless the meaning is that I am a stupid and damaged person who found another one to mess up my life and mind with even more. And then I was at last the one to get devalued and dumped because I wanted to think the best of him and be friends.

:'(

I pray not to wake up tomorrow with his horrible words the first thing on my mind, again. I pray for some proper sleep tonight and to feel some pride in myself tomorrow for staying strong. Rather than hating myself and seeing an ugly worn out old woman in the mirror. I need to love myself but I can't do it and I mirror his criticism and devaluation of me. Don't know how to stop that. And I am looking for therapy.

[Ittookthislong]

oh thank God. same here. the rage and texting i felt made me think i was the BPD... . but i was at least willing to try. similar stories. if you need to vent or hear a story thatll make you feel better im here

[Ittookthislong]

btw- i ended up asking him to block me... . which sounds absurd and was humiliating to ask but i knew i wanted answers so bad and he was giving me little bits here and there keeping me hooked and i needed my sanity back, even if it meant losing my pride

[Ittookthislong]

i keep replying as im reading sorry for the multiple posts ahaha, ill just have to tell you my story- the age thing was similar, he did the same thing to me picking at the thing that he liked in the beginning. i was sobbing and asking him "please just try" and his response "I dont have too... . im young". that STUNG and where i felt mature and maybe sexy in the relationship i feel like my time has passed. i feel old. i imagine him at clubs being a man whore and im old andboring and i see very little excitement which scares me. i feel kinda numbish or else angry or sad. its not me i want myself back. ill have to tell the story a little later this evening. same same over here

[danley]

Post breakup my ex asked me to not send random texts while he was hanging out with someone he started talking to 2-3 months after we separated. I went all in and stop texting him PERIOD. Previous to this I'd still send him little texts here and there. He'd respond but hardly ever was he the one to initiate. After I stopped the little texts, I believe my ex was in shock. It was something he became used to. I ignored answering WHY I stopped. But let me tell you, it feels way better not wondering if he's gonna text me and checking my phone all the time hoping he would. Regardless of who went NC or asked for NC,  it has helped me a lot to be able to breathe.

Since I stopped texting all together, my ex has been seeking me out at work a lot to be nice. He hasn't texted me and I'm sure he's waiting for ME to text HIM first. But im not going to. Be glad he went NC on you. It will give you time to work on yourself foe a while.

[AllyCat7]

I need to love myself but I can't do it and I mirror his criticism and devaluation of me. Don't know how to stop that. And I am looking for therapy.

Hi Serv!

So sorry you are going through that. BPDs definitely have a way of taking advantage of our weakness and picking us apart. Our job is to become strong enough to not let them.

Regarding the few lines you wrote above, that right there is a key part of your recovery. You actually subconsciously chose him because he most likely behaved and treated you in a way that one of your parents did. If he was careless, unloving, and critical of you, then one of your parents were probably like this (maybe your dad?). As adults, we mirror the relationships we had with our parents as we choose our romantic partners. So that is where we need to go to figure all this stuff out. You'll have to work through the poor relationships you had in childhood and get to the root trauma that resulted from it. Then you will need to heal those wounds using various methods. There are lots of books on this and many therapists specialize in this as well. Look up "unmet dependency needs" or "childhood abandonment". I know it sounds extreme, but even parents who are generally caring can cause some trauma wounds without having to be abusive or anything. Even being critical (which most people construe as "tough love" can cause this.

Anyway, you have to go back and realize that those critical messages you were receiving during childhood were not personal. They were projections that were placed on you by someone who was not emotionally healthy enough to deal with their own issues. Once you depersonalize your relationship with your parents then you can do the same with your romantic relationships. Then you have to learn to give yourself the love in the areas that they didn't. Only then, when you have given yourself all this love that you always needed, can you truly move on and choose a partner who will love you just as much as your "new you" loves yourself.

I'm in the process of this myself. I'm not entirely there yet, but just knowing what was going on has given me great relief. My parents were wonderful overall, but the critical nature of my dad and my mother's workaholic nature definitely affected me. So I either chose people who were critical or distant (or both). It was not so bad, but bad enough in my most recent relationship (with a serial cheater) to see the light.

Anyway, please don't personalize how this guy treated you. Another thing that can happen when we personalize other people's projections is that we can fall into the victim role, which is also not good and will hinder our progress. So take control of your own emotions and reactions. We choose how we feel and how we let people make us feel. So just choose to feel great about yourself no matter what and that will become your reality no matter what happens around you.

Also, you had a part in the dysfunction, but only take ownership of that part... . not the whole dysfunction. Learn from your mistakes, learn what type of guy not to choose in the future, and then move on. You are worthy of a healthy love, but you've got to get yourself healthy too. Good luck

(Btw if you want a good book/therapist recommendation on the child abandonment stuff, shoot me a PM)

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Servalan,

     Fixing yourself from this emotional abuse is a process and you've had a good start at it.  Excellent!  By the way, as delgato pointed out, the person who goes NC may quite often be the pwBPD.  My own experience was that my pwBPD went 100% NC for thirty (yes, I wrote 30) years. Then she, rather against all odds by the way, came to work at my company.  In fact, as my boss! (Yay) I'll never know (since lies are the lingua franca of these people) whether she knew I was there or not, but allow me to suggest that you should not be completely certain you'll never hear from him again.  It's in the nature of the disorder to recycle.  In case you think my experience was just a fluke, look up the posts from a very kind guy here named Charred.  His pwBPD waited 26 years before coming back and assisting him in ruining his life yet again.  Most "nons" don't wait so long, but few are blessed enough to never have any contact at all.

     One other thing.  Try to let the idea go that you're the 'psycho'.  I went through this as well, and to be honest my gf never even accused me of that.  The insight that you have already displayed in your posts are proof to me that it's not you.  These beautiful, deep, sensitive thoughts are utterly impossible in the disordered mind of the one you feel so strongly about.  Getting therapy is the proper thing to do, but this is so because you are the only one who could benefit from it.

     Whoops, there's one other 'other' thing.  It was extremely helpful for me to make a written list of all the really rotten things my gf had done to me.  You may well come to realise that when you looked at your S.O. your subconscious mind actually 'saw' someone else.  Someone you really loved completely and desperately wanted attention and approval from.  This 'other' person is, quite literally, the most wonderful person in the whole world in your opinion, and your conscious mind has that 'other' person associated with the flesh and blood person.  If you make a detailed list of every bad thing you know for a fact he did since you knew him, it can go a long way toward breaking down the illusion that the actual person is the 'other' who is so incredibly special in nearly every way.  Trust me.  Have I ever steered you wrong before?  : )

     

[papawapa]

I know what you are going through sweetheart.

I disagree that they go NC. I think they instead use the silent treatment. They know it gets under our skin. They use it as punishment for our making them feel bad about something.

For me the latest round of ST was caused by my speaking the truth to her, repeatedly, every time I would talk to her. It was stressing her out so bad that she decided not talking to me at all was the best way to get back at me.

I feel I was fortunate that I left my phone with her when I left the house (the account was in her name). I had kept it after we first split and I kept finding myself looking at it constantly hoping to hear from her. After I got rid of the phone it was hard for the first two weeks, but now it is nice not having it.

You need to focus on yourself dear. You are not any of those negative things you see yourself as. Keep moving forward. Life is too short to spend it dwelling on things you can do nothing about.

[delusionalxox]

Thanks all

It's been a much better day today- going to post on why elsewhere- but Lao Tzu just wanted to tell you I just did a list and my head of all the awful rotten things and it had about 30 items on it! hehehe.

nope he is no real loss. Right now I miss the sex and feeling desired more than anything else. When younger I would have tried to move on and find other attention straight away but I guess I need to feel this loneliness and lack of desirability fully first. And be aware that maybe someone else will not turn up and that is OK, we don't have to have a partner to exist.

Thanks xx

[rollercoaster24]

Hi Servalan83,

I totally feel your pain, and as always can relate to everything you just said.

My exBP was not younger than me, (well not chronologically, heh heh) but he did seem to have a fascination with youth, although not in an obvious way.

Over the time that I knew him, he would often make comments about a couple in some story somewhere, how they go to a bar, and the guy looks worn out and used up, and then he breaks up with his woman/family, and next thing you know he is back at the bar again, this time looking great, (supposedly his wife was sucking all the life out of him!).

I thought it was odd that he would repeat this story so often.

There was also a common statement, which was, "Remember when you met me, and you liked me?", "Remember how we both looked, young and vibrant".

BP often liked to rant about how the stress in my life had aged both of us! I don't believe my life was any more stressful than the average person's who actually works, has a family, friends, a home, and life to take care of!

The reality is, that BP himself made everyday life 1000 times more stressful than it ever needed to be, with his consistent rage/hate/drama over every little pathetic thing.

Personally, I knew we had both looked better, but I did not imagine with both of us being in our early 40's that we looked 'young' by any means!

That new and fresh feeling was something he often referred back to, and reading someone's post on the boards, BP's seem obsessed with the fresh and new, which is why they move on and find new prey. Always looking for that new experience because they cannot face it when someone gets to know them, and finds out their faults, which we all know they have trouble facing up to... .

One of the red flags that went off for me some time after I became involved with him, was that he admitted to having perused teen porn, (and all porn) at some stage in his 30's. I really felt it was pretty hypocritical of him to go on about peadophiles and sleaze bags, he often called family members and friends of mine these types of names.

He also often would flick through magazines I had, (whilst I was either relaxing or 'detaching from him' and comment about how women like Sara Jessica Parker, or Madonna or the likes should move out of the way and let the younger women have the attention, given they were past it now.

I know he was saying this to hurt me, because he knew how it. We had discussed this issue many times, he often being the one to bring it up.

This really used to annoy me, given he didn't ever comment about the older men in the mags, (George Clooney, Antonio Banderas etc) so I used to revel in serving up some truth, in my detached tone of voice. I did also tell him that sounded like a pretty sexist type of remark, and wished he didn't need to repeat it so often, after all, if he didn't believe in sexism, then why say that stuff?

This would usually only enrage him more, but I usually didn't care by this point, (so sick I was of having his opinions forced down my throat every day).

So Servalan, I totally relate to what you have said about feeling old, worn out and used up, I feel the same, like BP has stolen my soul or something, (or any remaining glimmer of youth I had left).

No doubt he has moved on to some younger prey, (easier to manipulate than an older woman), and given his interest in looking at Viagra ads lately, I wouldn't be surprised if he had been sleeping around on me way before his last and final assault on me.

The surprising thing for me, is that usually he was the one to initiate contact, and yet this time, he has ignored my emails, (sent 3 in 3 weeks), and has simply blocked me out of his life.

This does hurt, even though I know it is for the best.

After he assaulted me and smashed my phone/stuff on the 10th of June, he did the silent treatment for several days before ringing out of the blue, and offering to pay for my phone.

When he found out I had managed to have mine replaced, this enraged him! Hello, my phone is a lifeline at work, (I work alone at night) so pardon me if I don't want to wait until you decide to call up and offer to pay. As if he could anyway, he can't even pay his own bills consistently, let alone pay off my phone!

He was basically saying Goodbye at the same time, going on about how it wasn't working out, and I guess it's time to move on. When I took the same detached cold attitude, he started denigrating his whole relationship experience with me, (basically justifying every crap thing he had done) going on about the horrible things that had been done to him, (wow, people I knew were short with him after they witnessed him abusing me again!)

I listened on the phone, and validated some of his feelings/experiences, but this just gave him license to be even more hypocritical, so in the end, I said NO, and no I don't agree with what you are saying. To this he merely upped his abuse and hung up and called back several times.

In the end, after several more of his denigrating phone calls, I simply pulled my home phone plug out of the wall, so at least it would only ring on his end as if I wasn't home, and I did not have to put up with any more of his abuse.

The next day, he phoned again, and was really apologetic, tone of voice soft and understanding.

For a while he seemed to switch between saying Oh well we tried and it didn't work out, to being positive and optimistic about our future together! He said I was welcome at his parents, but no pressure, (thank God)

Confused?

He expressed a wish to talk later, phoning back at 5 pm. We spoke, (well, he did all the talking like usual) and he asked if I would text him Goodnight later, (like I always did).

I did this, (but felt really sad and strange about it).

The next day, he again reminded me how welcome I was to come see him at his parents, (I'm always welcome right even if you and I aren't together, your parents will welcome me!), ahem yea, heard that one soo much.

I did not offer to make any plans to go up there, as quite frankly I was still in shock, and afraid of him and his instability issues. I knew I couldn't bear the possibility that he would get upset again, and wake me in the night for a fight.

The next day, (Sunday being my traditional day to go up and see him) he rang, and again asked what I was doing. I did have one shift to complete in the morning or early afternoon, but I still felt hesitant about going to see him so soon after his last provocation/assault/attack on me.

I knew if I wasn't forthcoming in indicating I was going up there, that he would likely abuse me and dump me again, because he couldn't get his own way.

Hang on here? Wouldn't it be the right thing to do, (if you are indeed truly sorry for assaulting your girlfriend) to not put pressure on her to come back so soon? Wouldn't you understand that you need to console her, and promise to change your ways, to ensure you never do that to her again, no matter how angry both of you might be at each other?

No, instead he again began to denigrate our relationship, and proceeded to become more verbally abusive, make excuses as to why it wasn't his fault, why he couldn't change his ways, (the old, I need food, shelter, and a job and that is all I have time to worry about right now, given you have everything you need, you spoilt ****.

Oh, that must be why! Silly me, how selfish of me!

Wrong... .

You have in fact had 5 years to find a job, you have a room at your parents for shelter, (and you were also welcome at my house once too) you don't pay a cent towards that and never have in your life, your parents help you out financially every week as well, and your girlfriend has financially supported you and our relationship for the entire 3 years you have been with her... .

So your excuses are crap, lies and unbelievable!

The truth is, your a spoilt child, and you will never change your ways, because you dear old Mother is as sick as you are, along with your Father. They will ensure you will never change, because they will keep on enabling you to act like an overly entitled pompous *****and they will keep complaining about it, whilst you continue to abuse them for it, possibly even killing one of them during your persistent need for conflict and perceived hurts against you.

Take a good look in the mirror you nasty piece of work!

Sorry Servalan, I am moving out of the intense pain over this jerk and into the anger.

Right now, I am considering laying charges against him, for attempted murder, (3 times), sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and assault.

The reason I had not done in the past, is because I was afraid of retaliation, I am actually afraid of him, always was.

There were times I woke up to being hit or kicked or scratched, (such was my exhaustion).

Lately I have sat around reminiscing the good part inside this man, but the knowledge that he could move on and do this to another woman! Well, I don't think he should just get away with it.

I may not lay charges, as I will be afraid he would come after me, or knowing him, he would launch a counter suit... .

Such is his need for looking like the victim in everything.

[delusionalxox]

hey roller... . I will reply soon to your pm... .

They have so much in common from the enabling/neglecting parents to the total hypocrisy. Ex reckoned he was a bit of a guru (going to post about that on the board in general), lectured me a lot about spiritual growth (basically how I could be more like him... . no thanks). Meanwhile taking and taking,, demanding and demanding, increasingly bizarre expectations such as leaving both my job and kids (? why would I? And what would he have lived on? heheh)

One does age in 3 years plus I think the up and down stress of being with him and wasting my energy on him aged me a lot more and once I'm over him some of that may wear off I hope  . He was going very bald  and shaved his head thus looking far less pretty in my opinion  but I don't think age really hits in late 30s tbh. He was worried about it though, saw it as evidence of having wasted his life.

He had an appalling  history of sleeping with much younger women. His previous girlfriend had been 19 (!) when he met her, a student. He (also perpetual student :D) was 31! I know age gaps are not always so bad, but that was a big  as was the fact he slept with a 17 year old girl after her (who had a boyfriend! god knows where he found her... . he pursued me like hell from a chance meeting, and I think that's what he always did, it was his MO... . wish to god he had left me alone... . ). All his many shag buddies and semi-girlfriends from his year of being single were younger than me.

he would say deprecating things to me about the 'young, beautiful' women he had been with in the past... . how women looked their best in their mid 20s... . if I would pay an older woman a compliment he would say something like 'but better 10 years ago'. Totally unnecessary and vile when you are with a woman in her late 30s (and you are too!)

I am in the anger phase too roller but also this horrible painful feeling of desertion and devaluation. As if I must be worth nothing, for even this crazy lunatic who always used to stalk me and demand I come back to him in the past, to drop me like a stone (and when I was pregnant too, although that is now over).

I hate him but still want him to call me, to say sorry, to beg me to come back... . because I feel so utterly devalued. I want to feel wanted again. All very sad and shameful. I feel such deep shame and so unattractive, dull and sad as if I will never enjoy myself again, I have nothing to offer anyone... .

how did this b*stard to this to me?

It is of course our own issues plus the intense trauma bond. We want to be accepted and loved the way we accepted, forgave and loved them but it is not possible because they are not capable of this. Although ex lied to me about eternal friendship.

[rollercoaster24]

Hey Servalan,

Sorry for my big post, (this is the most I have ever had the chance to say in 3 years!).

I hear you about the comments he would make about women being their best in their early twenties, my ex used to say that too.

And I totally relate to how you are feeling, I feel the same, incredibly angry that he can toss me aside like toilet paper, after all the things he told me, (about how he never wanted to leave me or let me go).

I am feeling quite strong instincts about what he is up to, (and like I said those instincts were there always, through his denigrations and accusations about me). Last night, I went through some of his old text messages, I had saved them on my computer for evidence or posterity's sake (to remind myself what a jerk he really was to me). They were all disgusting and abusive.

Where as the texts I used to send, (that break up discussion after you get dumped again) were really just telling him off, never abusive like his abuse, (although he would often yell at me on his parents phone to stop sending him abusive texts! This was all done because he had an audience.

One thing I did used to notice too, was that he never kept any of the texts I sent, he would only keep a few recent ones, and they were only the 'Goodnight I love you' etc. It was like if he deleted it, it didn't exist anymore.

And of all the irony, he would often say that he was not mired in the past like I was, HUH!

The past was all he talked about, every day of his miserable life.

Well, Servalan no need to hurry on the personal message side of things, just know that you are not alone in your feelings, there are so many of us here going through similar emotions right now, but at least we are going through them, not pushing them down and acting like they don't exist anymore, (like ex BP's do to us to avoid facing their own demons).