Any advice on how to respond to the push/pull?

[zoo station]

The woman I'm "dating", if you can even call it that anymore (very confused here), is always pushing and pulling.  We'll spend a few days together that are usually great then she'll go for days or a week or two with minimal to no contact, then the cycle repeats.  How should I respond or deal with this?  Should I just back off and wait for her to make contact with me when she does this?  Should I always give her that space?

[Grey Kitty]

I'm not sure I know your story, but I'm assuming that you and she live separately, so you only see her when you and she want to be in contact. I've dealt with things like this with my wife while she was living with me, so my experience was a little different... .

Anyhow, I've found that if she can't deal with being with me/doesn't want to be with me, it is absolutely in both of our best interests to let her have the space. If I crowded her when she needed space, the best I'd get was ignored, or just gently snapped at and shoved away. Or it could be worse 

What I do find is that she will need some space and go away... . and may "forget to come back" even after she calms down. So occasional gentle reminders that I exist and appreciate her / would enjoy her company are a good idea. Perhaps a friendly txt message or an offer of a snack as I was going by.

But only do that when you are feeling good about her, not hurt or angry, as the attitude will show. Also try to offer in a way that doesn't trigger a feeling that you expect/need something of her.

Does that help?

[Peabody]

Just appreciate the time you do spend with her when it happens and be on with your life in the meantime. This person is going to gradually become the main objective that revolves around in your life and you need to prevent that or you will get pushed too hard and things will not work out. I had these same symptoms with my exBPD and they always made me worry more than what was necessary and whenever I would see her next I would feel dumb cause she would tell me what she was actually doing. Be happy in what you do and appreciate the conversations & time you do have but do not think of it more than that or your tolerance for her attention will increase and you will crave it more and more until it is an issue beyond yourself.

[zoo station]

Yes that does help.  And that's pretty much what I've been doing.  I send her an encouraging text (like a pic with encouraging words) every morning and let it go at that.  She seems to appreciate it.  Sometimes, however, I get no response and I usually just let her be until she contacts me.  Thank you for the advice!  Really appreciate it.

[Peabody]

I used to send my exBPD good morning texts every morning to the point where she would send me one if I somehow missed the opportunity so I would definitely advise to keep doing what you are doing. If she does not reply, do not take it seriously and just go about your life. Her not texting back is the biggest anxiety that can be brought to you and make you think a lot of unnecessary things, so just think nothing of it and just assume shes busy.

[benny2]

Yes after learning the hard way, the best thing to do is leave them be, let them know you care, and they come back. I use to get upset, break up, and put through weeks of silent treatments because of these moods, but since I have learned to just be calm and let him know I'm here, things seem to be much better.