He's got a colorful past...

[Rockylove]

I'm at a loss here.  My (newly wed) husband can't find a job because he's got a "colorful past."  I hooked him up as best I could for a job with a non-profit whose mission is putting people to work... . regardless of their disabilities or history.  They're giving him the run around.  It would have been the perfect job for him... . low stress... . full time (minimum wage but with benefits), works alone.  I couldn't have thought of a better job for him, but they aren't giving him a chance.  He's depressed.  I could make some phone calls but I'd rather not.  It's his to deal with.  I'm frustrated for him and the bull crap he has to deal with, but it's not mine to own.  He knew he'd have a difficult time finding a job when he quit the one he had, but it was too stressful and it was taking its toll on his health.  I could care less if he works, but it's the male mentality.  He feels the need to "take care" of me and whatever. 

As I said... . I'm at a loss.  I don't know what to say.  I've validated as much as I can.  He is fine while I'm around, but when I'm at work he does nothing but brood.  I was really glad a couple of friends came by this evening... . it took his mind off of it for a bit.  (This couple knows the story and are perfectly fine with it... . they are wonderful friends and very non-judgmental which makes my hubby feel welcomed and secure) 

I guess I'm just looking to you all for something to say to him.  I know I can't do anything to change the situation, but I feel that I should be supportive and don't quite know how. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jrx]

Hi Rockylove, I don't know your husband, but from your description, he's stuck in the ruts that my therapist could call rumination (the brooding which leads to the harm of your self-esteem) and shoulding (for example, feeling like he should be taking care of you; unfair expectations you put on yourself which can't be accomplished at the moment, leading to harm of your self-esteem).

You mentioned your friends coming by took his mind off it a bit. Anything to get him out from between his ears can slow or stem the spiral downward into depression. Your instincts are great: not doing things for him and knowing he's better when he's not focused on his situation. At this point, words of support are less important than him keeping busy with activities that remind him either that he's valued or that he doesn't feel guilty enjoying.

Sometimes the "take care of you" is a power dynamic. It doesn't seem like that's the case here. It seems like he feels he's not adding value, and many men's self-worth is based on creation of value: making money, fixing the house, building a boat, even winning in their fantasy football league. What are things he can do to feel worthwhile again?

[Rockylove]

What are things he can do to feel worthwhile again?

He was doing great while working on the house, but we really don't have the money to do what he'd like to do.  Fortunately, my friend (that married us) has 3 boxes of the cedar that we need to finish a couple of areas which will really make him feel good.  I just can't pick it up til tomorrow.

He wants to have that sense of accomplishment.  It was great when our friends came for our wedding and commented on how beautiful a job he did.  They'd already seen the tile I'd done and it was nice to have the focus shifted on what he's done this time.  I get way too much attention for the things I do... . but I'm really quite good at it and I'm not going to minimize what I do to make him feel better.  I'd rather encourage him to do the things he's good at.  It's difficult. 

Daggonit!  Where's that magic wand when I need it most?

[Grey Kitty]

RL, unsolicited "help" can be seen as invalidating/controlling. I'm not saying that anything you've done so far is... . it actually sounds like you are doing good things.

You clearly see that he needs to be doing something to make him feel worthwhile and valuable.

Telling him that won't help him.

Trying too hard to nudge him into doing it won't help him either.

Has he asked for your help?

General validation sounds better. It might even lead to natural questions and answers and possibly a request for help.

I'm fresh out of charged up magic wands myself, or I'd PM one to ya!

[Rockylove]

Trying too hard to nudge him into doing it won't help him either.

Has he asked for your help?

General validation sounds better. It might even lead to natural questions and answers and possibly a request for help.

He never asks for help.  He wants it~~but he'll never ask for it.  Tricky situation, so yeah... . general validation is the only way to go.  I'm just not sure how that should look at the moment.  He's mentioned being depressed several times and he even said that he was having thoughts of suicide (again) that I'd be better off (financially) if he were dead.  That disturbs me greatly!