Why would a psychologist ask me this?

[Mutt]

I've posted  over on the leaving board but I wanted to pose this question here because it makes me feel ambivalence.

Long story short of the last several months.

uBPD wife in Oct 2012 told me "I'm done, I'm telling all of my friends that I'm leaving you"

We have S2, S5, D7 together.

She was having an emotional affair before Oct and in Jan it turned physical.  Two  nights in January 2013 she didn't come home and had overnight stays at the other man's house.

February she left with the kids and introduced OM to the kids 2 1/2 weeks after moving out.

A week after that OM was having overnight stays in her new place with the kids present.

She went no contact and then limited contact with me and refuses to work on a seperation agreement/divorce/custody and it triggers her when I mention any of those things.

She is deeply in love with OM, I can tell by her eyes and the way that she glows from the honeymoon.

She is mean in any interactions I have with her, she only contacts me when she needs something and ignores anything I ask for.

I straight out told the psychologist I'm done. She knows this story and I did not ask her why she would ask me after all of the atrocious things she has done to me and I'm not getting a session for another couple of weeks.

Why would I be asked the question if I'm going to work on the marriage when it's triangulated with SO's OM and she's in love? Has anyone taken them back after a horrible exit relationship and break up and this type of treatment? On one hand I'm completely done but this makes me feel ambivalent. Let's say I waited by the sidelines and she recycled me, I cannot survive another repeat of the last few months. But there is still a portion of me that cares and feels love for this person.

[grad]

The psychologist is probably looking at 3 key factors:

1) Seems like you are still in the grieving stages haven't started seeing anyone new

2) It's been around 6 months since she's been seeing him exclusively yet you still haven't finalized the divorce.  It really seems like you're waiting for her to come to her senses instead of taking decisive action

3) It's obvious you love her and have 3 children together.  This isn't a relationship where a clean break can be made.

Now for the flip side:  You gave no indication of why she left you, why she sought refuge with someone else.  You've given her your own diagnosis of BPD without any explanation as to what symptoms she exhibited or issues from her past.

Honestly though, the psychologist was probably being ignorant, or perhaps they meant focusing on the marriage as a sarcastic means to indicate divorce is necessary without saying it directly... . after all their are kids involved and a broken family usually isn't a good thing

[Mutt]

The psychologist is probably looking at 3 key factors:

1) Seems like you are still in the grieving stages haven't started seeing anyone new

2) It's been around 6 months since she's been seeing him exclusively yet you still haven't finalized the divorce.  It really seems like you're waiting for her to come to her senses instead of taking decisive action

3) It's obvious you love her and have 3 children together.  This isn't a relationship where a clean break can be made.

Now for the flip side:  You gave no indication of why she left you, why she sought refuge with someone else.  You've given her your own diagnosis of BPD without any explanation as to what symptoms she exhibited or issues from her past.

Honestly though, the psychologist was probably being ignorant, or perhaps they meant focusing on the marriage as a sarcastic means to indicate divorce is necessary without saying it directly... . after all their are kids involved and a broken family usually isn't a good thing

My aplogies, I did leave details out to keep it short.

1) 8 year relatiopnship and married for 5. Yes, I'm grieving.

2) She left me pennyless. Can't afford a lawyer. I live in Canada. I'm filing on my own without a lawer. I've done my research. I've tried civil mediation, she's denied it. I've tried family mediation, she's denied it meaning cancelled. Now I have a court counsellor and I need to have custody and access figured out for divorce papers so I can file on my own so that the judge doesn't throw it out.

3) Ask her that question. We're married and she seeked a boyfriend.

As far as to why, I have an idea why. I started giving her boundaries and telling her that if she belittled me and raged in front of family and friends I would not participate in that and I would not go out with her in friend and family functions.

As far as her symptoms, I have thousands of examples but I will leave it at this one and provide more if needed. Rages about 3-4 times a week in the last 2 1/2 years or so.  I could never understand the outbursts, they came out of knowhere. It could be because of the way I was walking, talking or breating. She would engage and be extremly intense and I was confused and baffled. I could not reason with her. It was a circular argument and I could not calm her down. My favorite was when she would do it in front of the kids at supper and tell me her reason was to show the kids that "daddy can't treat mommy like that and I have to show them" and say continously "Mutt your a f**king ass!" Over and over and I could never calm her down.

Like I said for leaving, I just told her your like this, I'm not going to be around you and I sense that she saw me detach and thought in her mind that I was going to leave her. Fear of abandoment, beat me to the punch and left. I stayed in it thinking eventually I could get through to her, stuck to my wedding vows. After she left a family member came forward and said " I think your wife is BPD". I started reading books and going to forums like thes and sw my autobiography.

[Mutt]

Seduction/Clinger/Hater phase I can provide all the examples and I remember now exactly when one phase changed to the next.

[Mutt]

I forgot to mention. All of her exe's being abusive. I remember all of thos stories. After she left she told her family and friends how I was abusive emtionaly, financially and physically to her and I've been attacked and called a monster byt them.

[grad]

I read some of your earlier posts and understand the dynamics better.  Anyhow, here's my take:

Either your psychologist was trying to probe where you were mentally with the situation or completely ignorant.  What's obvious is you should proceed with the divorce.  It's best for you, the kids, and her to bring closure.

No need to discuss possible recycling unless she starts to show interest in you AND inform her that she needs to seek professional help (diagnosis/therapy).  With kids involved, you must think long-term and since you've conditioned her to view you as a trigger, it'll take a lot of work to overcome this obstacle.

[Mutt]

Thank you grad for your time and having gone back and reading my previous posts. I appreciate it.

I agree with moving forward and divorce but I do have one question with this.

since you've conditioned her to view you as a trigger, it'll take a lot of work to overcome this obstacle.

 

What do I do to not trigger her anymore?

[SadWifeofBPD]

Seduction/Clinger/Hater phase I can provide all the examples and I remember now exactly when one phase changed to the next.

This is my H.  Is this classic BPD?  Where can I read more about this?

[Clearmind]

Mutt, a therapists role is to facilitate your own decision not make it for you. Her asking the question is so you can really think whether this is the right thing for you and if so it will be supported with her help.

Her question was not to cause you to become unstable - quite the opposite.

Her question - your decision - you own the decision and hence the path to detaching.

[Mutt]

Seduction/Clinger/Hater phase I can provide all the examples and I remember now exactly when one phase changed to the next.

This is my H.  Is this classic BPD?  Where can I read more about this?

How a BPD relationship evolves SadWifeofBPD https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[Mutt]

Mutt, a therapists role is to facilitate your own decision not make it for you. Her asking the question is so you can really think whether this is the right thing for you and if so it will be supported with her help.

Her question was not to cause you to become unstable - quite the opposite.

Her question - your decision - you own the decision and hence the path to detaching.

Thanks Clearmind. I've posted my story on this board in my intro and I recounted the last 8 months to her and after she asked me that I was thought "Who would put themselves through that again? Am I missing something?" Much appreciated for the feedback, I was being too literal. I've been more than patient, lenient with my wife and the pain she has me and to my children, I could not survive another run through the ringer like this. Without a doubt in my mind now she would do this again, if you would of asked me a year ago, I never would of thought this would of happened.

[Clearmind]

after she asked me that I was thought "Who would put themselves through that again? Am I missing something?" 

Your therapists question had the desired outcome for you - you made a decision. Not making a decision is just as painful as making one.

Onward and upward - now onto detaching and working on you!

[grad]

Thank you grad for your time and having gone back and reading my previous posts. I appreciate it.

I agree with moving forward and divorce but I do have one question with this.

since you've conditioned her to view you as a trigger, it'll take a lot of work to overcome this obstacle.

 

What do I do to not trigger her anymore?

it takes a willingness on her behalf to want to continue being your wife, therapy, boundaries, and you learning the proper tools (SET, DEARMAN, etc) to handle her emotional dysregulation.

at this point, there's nothing you can do but proceed with the divorce and show your willingness to end it and move on with your life, for your own sanity and happiness.  the tools, should, however, help in your post-divorce interactions since kids are involved.

[Mutt]

Thank you grad for your time and having gone back and reading my previous posts. I appreciate it.

I agree with moving forward and divorce but I do have one question with this.

since you've conditioned her to view you as a trigger, it'll take a lot of work to overcome this obstacle.

 

What do I do to not trigger her anymore?

it takes a willingness on her behalf to want to continue being your wife, therapy, boundaries, and you learning the proper tools (SET, DEARMAN, etc) to handle her emotional dysregulation.

at this point, there's nothing you can do but proceed with the divorce and show your willingness to end it and move on with your life, for your own sanity and happiness.  the tools, should, however, help in your post-divorce interactions since kids are involved.

Her willingness is nill in the marriage. It's a national holiday her in Canada and I ran into her, my kids and her boyfriend. I was at the hospital three times to watch my kids being born and this guy gets to spend more time with my kids than me.

She declared divorce when she started her affair last year yet every friendly venue she cancels with because of a false reason and refuses to acknowledge the divorce. IMO time spent with her boyfriend is more important than spending a couple of hours with a civil mediatior to hash out an agreement.

I've chosen to file for divorce and work on it from my end without her participation.

She distorts, lies, projects and is mean and cruel in every interaction that I have with her.

I will check the tools but my decision is minimal contact, parallel parenting and facilitate our childs need through ourfamilywizard.com. I will start with HCP when interacting with her regarding the kids. I will only conside co-parenting in possibly two years. I'm starting with HCP and working my way down. Not the other way around.