I'm new

[therunningbaker]

Hi everyone.

I'm brand new to this whole world. This morning my therapist gave me a test on finding out if someone in your life has BPD. I felt like the test was written about my mother. I'm not sure if she has it, but she has every indication and sign, which is why I'm in therapy. She has convinced I"m anorexic, a narcissist, an alcoholic (i don't even drink), and every other kind of problem someone can have. Finally I decided I was tired of her getting in my head and making me crazy, and started therapy. I'm 25 and married, and will compromise my personal life to avoid setting her off. I never know what will trigger her, or how I will fail her next. When I finished the test this morning, I started crying because for the first time I didn't feel crazy dealing with her. She is so sweet to people that most people assume I'm crazy and I've been called ungrateful and cruel by people who have no idea several times. But knowing that this is a real issue with resources on dealing with is feels like a tremendous weight is lifted off my shoulders. The stress she puts on my marriage is one of the main reasons I started getting help. It is hard for me to accept my husband's love when she's in my head convincing me I'm never good enough. Nothing I do is ever right, and she's constantly paranoid I'm "taking my dad's side" and going to betray and leave her. When I decided to travel and leave for a few weeks, I "send her into a deep dark depression" because I'm abandoning her. I'm tired of letting my life be a constant walk on eggshells, avoiding anythign that could cause a problem yet knowing I"ll never be successful at it. I've been creating boundaries in the last few weeks and they help, but I'm very sad to realize I will never be able to have the close relationship I've always wanted with her.

I'm so glad to have found this site, and finally have a place to share my frustrations with people who understand and won't judge me or call me a bad daughter. My husband is a great support, but he's deployed often so I end up dealing with this alone alot.

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi therunningbaker,

Welcome to our community.  I'm sorry about the trouble your mom has been causing in your life.  It is very painful to hear that parental voice constantly in our heads. I can understand the sadness that comes up as you realize that your relationship can't be what you've wanted and needed.    Fortunately, things can get better.  You've come to the right place for support and understanding.  We have members here who have been in similar situations, so you are definitely not alone. 

I commend you for taking care of yourself by going to therapy and creating some boundaries - those are fantastic ways to change the situation for the better.

Do you live near your mother?  What kind of contact do you have with her these days?

Here are some resources that may be helpful right now: Acceptance, when our parent has BPD

I think this could be great to use when you are setting a boundary with your mother: TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Please keep posting, it really helps.  We're glad you're here.

heartandwhole

[Calsun]

Hi therunningbaker,

Thanks for your post.  It really helped me to hear once again that I am not alone.  My mother who is undiagnosed would accuse me of being hateful to her and accuse me of being sick and in need of help. I felt demonized and as though I just had a vendetta against her, that I was an unloving and ungrateful son. There was no one in the family to validate my reality. It is so helpful to get reinforcement that this is such a part of the dynamic of what they do and that it didn't have anything to do with my inner person. You are by no means alone in your experience. 

Thanks, and welcome!

Calsun

[GeekyGirl]

Hi runningbaker,

Welcome!   Good for you for starting therapy and working on yourself! It can be a real eye-opener learning about BPD, and I'd imagine that finding out that your mom has BPD has been a surprise.

As Calsun and heartandwhole said, you're not alone. Many of us understand what you're going through, as we all have relatives with BPD. It can feel like you're mourning the loss of the relationship you wish you had. I'm very glad that you're working on boundaries and not compromising your marriage or personal life--that's very healthy.

Welcome again, and I look forward to seeing you around here!

-GG

[therunningbaker]

Do you live near your mother?  What kind of contact do you have with her these days?

I live 30 minutes from my mother, which puts alot of stress on our relationship. I work full time an hour from where I live, and my husband is deployed. My mom expects to see me several times a week, and always on my days off. I try to limit it to one visit a week. Of course, no amount of time or effort I make to see her is enough, I"m always hiding things from her or scheming with someone against her. Being around her is extremely stressful, so I try to avoid seeing her often, just making matters worse. My husband and I are trying to move further away. I think maybe having more distance will help me be able to continue a relationship with her. I'm excited to finally start learning how to deal with her, since I now have a frame of reference.

[therunningbaker]

As Calsun and heartandwhole said, you're not alone. Many of us understand what you're going through, as we all have relatives with BPD. It can feel like you're mourning the loss of the relationship you wish you had.

Its so overwhelming to read the posts on here. I have been judged by most of the people who know her and called ungrateful and cruel because no one understands. My childhood friends, brothers, and husband are the only ones who don't think I'm crazy (my brothers have quit all communication with her). But seeing that other people are dealing with this, and have been called the same things, feels like a huge weight off my shoulders. I'm incredibly sad my relationship will never be what I want so desperately, but I'm so grateful to have found this out and to be able to start taking better care of myself.

[Pipper99]

Welcome the running baker!... .

I just wanted to say your feelings of being judged by others or the feelings of no one understand you, except for the people that are witnessed her crazy behavior, this also is a struggle for me also,  as my mom can appear very nice and caring to others but with me its different. I've been called ungrateful, etc etc. You have to stay strong and no what the truth is and what is not, I learned it takes a lot of strength to stand up for who you are and what you will tolerate. Put yourself first.

Its a journey and your on the right path.