Here we go again

[Depression = 72% of members]

I cut off contact with my ex almost 9 weeks ago. The only time we might "run" into one another is on a web site we both frequent. Knowing her work schedule makes it easier for me to plan my time there so we don't cross paths.

Last week, out of the blue, she sent me a brief message about something I posted that she liked.

I didn't think anything of it. But, I knew I was in a vulnerable position. Had been dealing with health issues and it was stressful. When stressed, the hit comes flooding back.

This week has brought a few more brief, site based comments. Nothing personal. Nothing that requires an answer or makes me want to answer.

The weird thing, is I feel like I am walking on eggshells again. I am ruminating. I am asking myself, why is she doing this. I am questioning why it is bothering me so much. I haven't spoken to her or interacted with her, yet my life feels chaotic again.

Now, her schedule will be different for the next few months, taking away my safety net.

Amazes me how far one can come and how much healing one can do before a simple little thing rips the scabs right off.

Quitting smoking is going to be easier than this.

[TippyTwo]

I cut off contact with my ex almost 9 weeks ago. The only time we might "run" into one another is on a web site we both frequent. Knowing her work schedule makes it easier for me to plan my time there so we don't cross paths.

Last week, out of the blue, she sent me a brief message about something I posted that she liked.

I didn't think anything of it. But, I knew I was in a vulnerable position. Had been dealing with health issues and it was stressful. When stressed, the hit comes flooding back.

This week has brought a few more brief, site based comments. Nothing personal. Nothing that requires an answer or makes me want to answer.

The weird thing, is I feel like I am walking on eggshells again. I am ruminating. I am asking myself, why is she doing this. I am questioning why it is bothering me so much. I haven't spoken to her or interacted with her, yet my life feels chaotic again.

Now, her schedule will be different for the next few months, taking away my safety net.

Amazes me how far one can come and how much healing one can do before a simple little thing rips the scabs right off.

Quitting smoking is going to be easier than this.

[danley]

They have deeply affected you regardless if you're together or not. It works both ways too. I find myself ruminating and questioning my ex everytime I see him. It's not healthy and I hope this goes away. In a freakish way tje rages from him was easier for me to judge where things stood. The push and pull is tiring. And now that my ex is actually appearing to be somewhat coherent and emotionally stable around me, it scares the living heck outta me. It almost feels like being in a relationship with someone who physically abuses you. You're always on the edge even though things seem kosher. You're expecting a hit out of nowhere even tho it might not even happen. You're basically traumatized from past experiences.

It's easy to fall back into the cycle with an ex. Especially if you are wanting positive results and it appears it might be happening. But you must listen to your gut. Although my ex and I are getting along and he seems to be in a good place, I have this uncontrollable distrust on one side. The other side is pleased that we are getting along well. I have to admit a lot has to do with the fact that I still have feelings for him and there's a part of me that wants to reconcile even tho I'm not sure HE does. It's like a mental game of guessing What's up. This is tiring too. So for now, I'm sticking to my gut and have the mindset that he probably is being nice for his own reasons. I don't want to let my guard down and get hurt in the end.

Keep on working on yourself and keep your ex at a distance if your gut is telling you danger is ahead.

[TippyTwo]

Thanks danley,

I agree with you. It is easy to get sucked back in if you lose sight of the reality of BPD.

Am trying to keep myself focused on the realities of the illness. Just amazes me how easily it is to fall back into that dysfunctional way of thinking.

[Bananas]

Yep.  I am having a hrd time this week.  I am on LC with the ex because we work together.  LC was going well as he was keeping things work only, mostly ignoring me, sometimes being nasty and at times making small talk.

Well this week he has been acting concerned, asking me personal questions about things that are very important to me, complimenting me in front of others, bringing up inside jokes, etc... .

I am feeling the pull and eggshell feeling too. ugh!

[danley]

Yep.  I am having a hrd time this week.  I am on LC with the ex because we work together.  LC was going well as he was keeping things work only, mostly ignoring me, sometimes being nasty and at times making small talk.

Well this week he has been acting concerned, asking me personal questions about things that are very important to me, complimenting me in front of others, bringing up inside jokes, etc... .

I am feeling the pull and eggshell feeling too. ugh!

Bananas,

Isn't it a bitc * having to go thru all this and have to work with them too? I was finding it uber difficult because at work he wears a mask that shows everyone at work that he's peachy keen. So seeing this makes it hard because sometimes he'll be cordial to everyone but as soon as they leave he's back to his angry self. Then I'll be caught off guard by it.

My ex has been acting like yours for the last month. He's acting concerned and going out of his way to be nice. It's kinda weird. Im glad theres a sense of peace between us. It was hard going to work and having to have my heart broken and have him rage. I dont know why hes had a change in attitude but im very weary even tho im pleased. I'm just going with it for now. I have been trying to keep a positive attitude about it all.  But in the back of my mind I'm still prepared for the push. Don't know what his intentions are right now.

As for the OP, I think you are doing yourself well by researching the illness. I think it's great that you're being proactive.  You have taken control of the situation and will find a plethora of great advice from people here. You'll find comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

[babyducks]

mcauleyan,

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this.  that has to be very tough.

for me, missing my person with BPD isn't like missing anyone I have ever lost before and seeing her, (which I am doing a lot of because she keeps popping up in places I regularly go)  is like ripping the Band-Aid off the wound.

I am also sorry to hear you are struggling with the health issues.   it's very hard to feel good about anything when physically things are in the dumpster.  for me it adds to the feeling of being vulnerable, not something I can handle easily.

its a tough one.   I wish my head would tell my heart what to do, and that my heart would listen for a change.

babyducks

[roybern]

Same here.

She called a couple days ago allegedly concerned about my health.

This is the same person who did not call me once after hip surgery 4 years ago which took me about 6 weeks to get over.

The same person who has ruined me financially.

The same person who tells me - she detests me, she does not see me or recognize my presence, that I can only live in the (my) house on her terms etc. etc.

Her 'sucking back',  manipulations have always worked on me before, but never again.

I am not bitter - I am moving on with my life - without the albatross of hate.

Good luck to all, and keep praying.