Has anyone had nightmares of their exBPD?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

In my year of NC, I've had dreams of my exBPD, nightmares really, she was doing better, shoving her amazing life in my face, or the dream would consist of either her apologizing or telling me how it could of been. These dreams would ruin my day because they were so vivid it was as if I was really there. Now that I'm thinking about my exBPD less and less, the frequency of these dreams has increased. It's almost as if the less I think about her (not repressing it) the more I have dreams about her. Basically, I'm feeling and doing ALOT better but the dreams about her has increased. They are affecting me less and less which is good.

Has anyone experienced/is experiencing this?

[Deleted]

In my year of NC, I've had dreams of my exBPD, nightmares really, she was doing better, shoving her amazing life in my face, or the dream would consist of either her apologizing or telling me how it could of been. These dreams would ruin my day because they were so vivid it was as if I was really there. Now that I'm thinking about my exBPD less and less, the frequency of these dreams has increased. It's almost as if the less I think about her (not repressing it) the more I have dreams about her. Basically, I'm feeling and doing ALOT better but the dreams about her has increased. They are affecting me less and less which is good.

Has anyone experienced/is experiencing this?

[morningagain]

I have had many nightmares with my stbxdBPDw.  Some of them night terrors.  The most recent nightmare was I showed up at her place - some new place.  I asked her three times where the dog she was going to give me was.  Finally she told me the dog was with someone else.  I asked her three times if she was dating someone - she was evasive, then admitted to it.  I asked her three times if she was having sex with that man.  On the third answer she finally admitted to it.  And still she wanted to get back together with me.

She called about a week later.  (this part is not the dream, but real life)  I asked her where the dog was, and she said she had given it to a drug dealer.  I then told her about the dream.  She told me "Well, I don't know any ':)an'".  I asked her where she was calling me from.  Her "boyfriend's house".  She then admitted, after a too long conversation, to having sex with him. 

Then she told me that her r/s with her b/f has nothing to do with her and I reconciling.  Well, I was so stunned I did not respond.

Fast forward about a week to last night.  I left a message with her that I wanted a divorce.  Told her I never want her mother, sister, or daughter in my life again.  Told her that her 16 yr old daughter is a sociopath.

Now I am feeling cruel.  But I spoke the truth.  Very sad.  Her mother is the worst person I have ever met in my life.  Her sister seemed almost normal for years, but has since betrayed me and my stbxW in a very terrible way.

Anyway, I suppose my dream was just warning me about what I expected was happening.  The surprising thing was my wife admitting to any of it... .

[jollygreen]

I had dreams for about a month after not much anymore. They were usually about her leaving, avoiding me, lying to me, or cheating. Nothing good really. And they would wake me up early every time. Haven't had any in a while though.

[winston72]

Whoa, Jason, that is a powerful dream and a traumatic sequence of events.  I suppose it was your subconscious awareness of your wife's infidelity that generated the dream.  And, as you say, the surprise and the genuine blessing is that she confirmed it.  That is quite a gift. 

I had powerful, vivid dreams about her infidelity, but they began a year and a half after I first became aware of it.  They surprised me.  They were really debilitating.  They were so powerful and vivid that the infidelity felt current.  It crippled my ability to relate to her, which was unfortunate.  I think this was a delayed reaction to the trauma of the original revelation.  Well, obviously it was delayed!  I think I was in shock at the time of the first revelation.  It took the year and a half for things to settle down within me such that I could finally experience the pain.  And even then, it had to come through my dream life because I was trying to shut it out of my conscious awareness (so I surmise!).

I tried to minimize my dreams by saying there were "just dreams."  But they were persistent enough to grab my full attention.  They became the tool to force me to acknowledge and face the pain within me. 

As I fully embraced the dreams and allowed them to direct me to the deeper pain inside me, they subsided. 

[DKK]

Wooah,

I had thought maybe I was crazy or losing it in someway!

I have had similar dreams, they are normally about the cheating, but always involve the people I 'know' that she cheated with, they were mostly people I thought were my friends, and I had introduced to my partner.

I also first realized exactly what was going on with her in a dream! I have afterwards confirmed the things I realized in this dream with hard factual records, (my partner would not throw anything away, so finding it was the only hard part there).

I really thought I might have been mad, very interesting that others have had the same experience.

Has anybody else?

DKK

[Deleted]

Thank you guys for your input,

my dreams consist of seeing her or some unknown force forcing me to enter her house to see her or drive by her house. Just something pushing me to make contact and that scares me. I dunno, I've entertained the idea that perhaps while I am consciously letting go and accepting what has happened, my subconscious mind is not ready to let go. Whenever I find myself enjoying life and saying 'who cares anymore seriously' I have dreams about her. I'm outside her house, I'm having dinner with her, I bump into her and she's so much better. I have to find that reason why my mind doesn't want to let go.

Am I just so upset at how much she has hurt me I'm not ready to fully forgive?

I tried pondering if this comes from "core" trauma and that I want to save some sort of relationship with a parent but in my case, I can't find anything for that.

who knows... . Anyone agrees/disagrees? let me know. I'm interested in hearing about it.

[Deleted]

I forgot to mention,

perhaps having NO CLOSURE has made it letting her go that much harder?

[Ittookthislong]

I dreamed of him several times and felt strange the whole next day... . the absolute worst one, which was so bad I broke NC was that I was sitting in a chair watching him have sex with another woman and since he was busy he  didn't seem to notice me there, and I couldn't get up, and id be struggling to stand up and eventually I would and he would stop and look at me with a deathstare and say "Sit down" and id sit back down and hed carry on. this dream felt like it went forever. woke up crying. symbolism isn't too difficult either, pretty straight forward. hellish nightmare though

[winston72]

Oh, man... . Ittookthislong, that is so awful and painful and terrible.  It is an awful dynamic from your relationship that arises in that dream.  You say you broke NC as a result.  What did you do and what happened as a result?

[Ittookthislong]

I think I just pleaded for him to stop doing this, to please talk to me like we used to yada yada yada. I think that time he threw me a bone, maybe because he felt needed, but it wasn't long before he was saying stuff like "we had fun, move on" like I was a 16 year old girl he hooked up with at a party or something.

I was so in love with him, and tortured by his quick exit and silent treatment. it was pathetic. not sure ill be able to be that vulnerable ever again :/

[winston72]

thank you for sharing what happened.  I think you will be vulnerable again in the future, but not in the same way as this relationship... . you will be vulnerable in a healthy way.  It is the ultimate destination for people who embrace this pain and allow it to guide us to health.

And, feeling tortured when you actually were torture is healthy, right and wholesome... . not pathetic.  What might the alternative be?  To not feel the magnitude of what happened?  To be able to split it off or compartmentalize it?  To be so numb to life that you don't actually feel the pain? 

Your reactions were not at all pathetic.

[changingme]

I have dreams that we are happy and in love a lot more than the bad dreams.  That really isn't any better, it can throw of my day and mood just as easily. 

I know since there will never be closure, I will forever be tortured with dreams about him.  I still dream of things, situations or people from my past that never had a closure. Those were small things! I dream a lot and I always remember them the next day.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all,

I've been away 3 weeks or more now, and no dreams. When I was with him, (first 2 years he lived with me, last 14 months was him staying at his elderly parents), I used to often have dreams. They were always about him cheating on me, and were very vivid.

I remember one was with a woman who had no arms and legs, just a torso and head/shoulders!.

She was very attractive though, with blonde hair, (one of his little obsessions he denies), and we were all on a bus. Him and I were on the bus and together, but he wasn't sitting with me, he was treating me like I wasn't there, (punishing me again).

We got off the bus, and he was caressing this disabled blonde lady right in front of me, massage caressing, up and down her body. It was weird, because he knew I was watching, as if I should be OK about this!

I asked him what he was doing, and he pretended it was all above board and non sexual, but clearly it wasn't.

I cannot remember what happened after this, but it wasn't the first time I had dreams about his unfaithfulness.

When I think of it, there were signs all the time, not just in what he did, (frequent weekly overnight disappearing acts) but also in what he said.

Either during the times he was being nasty on purpose, or just thinking out loud.

I remember him often saying he would never find someone as good looking as me, or as good as me, (this would change to threats he was going to find another woman, one who would love him, and knew how to be nice, because he has NEEDS!)

He stopped saying (during his nicer times) that he wouldn't find someone like me ever again.

There were a lot of things he stopped saying, and I have to wonder why?

He also stopped stalking me and doing drive bys, although he never stopped going through my phone, and never stopped accusing me of cheating or seeing other men behind his back.

I figured he had found someone else to stalk or obsess over.

His really bad rages/psychotic breaks seemed to be every few months, where his usual rages would be every week, from at least Friday-Monday being the most crucial, and Monday being way off the scale in terms of danger to be around him.

During that whole 3 years, I lived with the knowledge that he may well be abusing meth, (all obvious signs were there) and I also lived with the knowledge that he may well have been cheating on me. I do not feel bad about not being able to trust him, because trust is earned, so each time I would start to build trust, he would always do something that would blow that.

Such was life. At least I don't have to live with that fear again.

[Deleted]

Itookthislong, 

I totally understand how you feel, I had a dream in which I was a party (It was so vivid I can recall what she was wearing, even the smell of her perfume!) and she was the center of attention hooking up with guys. I went upstairs and she walked out of a room with a guy after obviously having sex, looked at me and laughed saying "Hey I remember you! uhm... . uh... . whatever your name is !" and left. When I woke up, I probably did not say more than 100 words that day. I was miserable.

I too would tell myself that I would never be vulnerable again and let someone in like that. However, in time (as banal as that sounds) you will see that you deserve someone better. This makes you redefine the type of relationship you want and what type of behavior you will and will not tolerate. It's a harsh learning experience but it benefits us because now we know what NOT look for, when NOT to stay, and hopefully learn to value ourselves to a point that we will not tolerate that type of BS. I don't know about your relationship but my relationship occured way too quick and there were no boundaries. I will never let that happen. Stay strong! 

Rollercoaster,

WOW- in my case my exBPD would say how much she loved me and how no one has treated her as good as I have and how handsome I am. When things went wrong, her abusive ex boyfriends (according to her) were SOO much better than me. The drug using ex boyfriend who has cheated and hit her would of never done the ""awful"" things I was doing  .  It seems like you already know the schedule for his behavior and thank god you do not have to life with that. That's no way to live, wow such stress they bring upon us, it's downright unfair, very selfish people.

[dancinginthelight]

Me too, I thought I was paranoid... . thats what the ex used to say about me 

When in the r/s I used to have very vivid dreams about him sleeping around with

anyone and everything.  I had a rather disturbing nightmare about a Mannequin?

Yes, he was trying to have sex with one. Sorry 

I believe my dreams were trying to tell me something that all was not well in the r/s

and I only wish I had taken more notice at the time. would have saved alot of anguish.

I do still have the occassional dream about him, and in it he is openly flaunting himself

having amazing sex with a few close friends of mine? Hmmmm?

[Ittookthislong]

deleted, eeesh, I know that dream had to hurt. thatnk you for that encouragement. I have to admit, I never did learn proper boundaries, and as a result I repeat that pattern of being so close, sharing everything. my mom and I were sort of enmeshed that way so it sometimes feels a little distant to have normal dating. its not the same. I started just believing that im not supposed to have a bf and maybe that's ok, maybe im supposed to smell the flowers, and get a puppy, and see what else the world has to offer

[daken68]

Tihs is daken68 i cannot believe you posted this. I have come to terms that the life i had and the life i have are divergent since nc with my BPD. I have made real strides in reestablishing a sense of normalcy back in mine and my children s lives. Yet she is ever present in my dreams i am with her as we were in happy times and i awake to my life without her. I miss her terribly but not the monster that coexisted in side her. The truth is I know this is for the best because the life we had wasnt really living, and i miss the ideal of her not truly her. well time is on my side and i long for the day she is really gone so i may have some well deserved peace.

[papawapa]

I haven't had nightmares per say. I do frequently have dreams of having sex with her. Which is disturbing in that I wake up and want to have real sex with her.

I did have on other dream about her that was rather bizarre. I was helping her move. She had this kiddie pool filled with water. I started dumping it out and she started yelling at me not to because there was something in the water. When she said something I realized there were like little tiny shrimp or sea monkeys swimming in the water. I had poured most of them out but some were still in the water. I loaded the pool into a truck and drove it to her new house which was way up in this big hill. It was a strange dream.

[Undone123]

I have dreams that we are happy and in love a lot more than the bad dreams.  That really isn't any better, it can throw of my day and mood just as easily. 

I know since there will never be closure, I will forever be tortured with dreams about him.  I still dream of things, situations or people from my past that never had a closure. Those were small things! I dream a lot and I always remember them the next day.

Exactly the same. I dream of my ex all the time, and its perfect. It's like that lucid dream film... . They are so vivid. Everything is spot on! Then I wake up and the reality of the fictitious past relationship sinks in... . rubbish  

[mtmc01]

I had been doing "okay" for months until the dream I had last night. There have been some others, but this effed me up. She had some sort of illness in which the prognosis was grim, and we were back together. I was grieving for her, but trying to spend as much time with her as I could. Parts of the dream sequence didn't make sense, as is often the case in dreams. There were also moments of us staying at her mom's house like we used to, going bowling, having fun, being together with our puppy that she took again, etc. It was just brutal to wake up to.

The last dream I remember having before last night was one where I was strong and she was begging to get back with me, but I woke up before I made any sort of decision. That one seemed more like progress. She was the one who left me Valentine's Day, and we were finally full NC about 3 weeks later when I finally gave up hope. Months of therapy brought me to a point of better understanding and a realization that I truly was "better off"... . or so I thought anyways. I spent over a month back home with my family, and crawled out of the fog. I was feeling pretty decent and almost ready to date again. Then 3 weeks ago I moved to a new city and have already met some good people... . even though I'm working my $$ off.

I wonder why the sudden longing for her again? Maybe I haven't dealt with all of my feelings yet? Maybe it's living alone in a new strange place? Whatever the case, it sucks, and I hope it's short lived... .