lightbulb moment in the darkness

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 

Many of you have seen I've been in truly horrible pain since uBPD/NPD ex dumped me right in it (pregnant and on my own without a word other than a bogus wish to 'find serenity' and a plea to 'leave him alone and stop damaging him, I had damaged him enough already, his nights and days were filled with all the terrible things I had said and done to him (!)' - AFTER he found out I was pregnant and going through an abortion entirely on my own. And after he dumped and ignored me following an apparently heartfelt email on May 23 promising me eternal friendship and that to try to be with me somehow was his 'priority'.

I'm still in pain but mostly more angry today. Ruminating on how I would like him to get karma or payback for what he did to me, the way he made me feel like the psycho and the crazy, the way he reflected back at me all his own faults and all the very reasonable requests for change that I made when I could no longer cope with his incredible and ridiculous demands.

Anyway part of his final snotty email was about the stuff he had left here which I have to deal with including 2 books borrowed from his phD supervisor. I was incredibly angry at how he had dropped me like a stone and told me to stop bothering him, I was not the only person with problems, etc, etc, 3/4 days after his lovely 'eternal friendship' email. So I asked him why I should run errands for him if he could  not be bothered even to reply to me. And I also asked him for £50 back which he had taken out of my purse (!) when he had last been here (I was as usual paying for flights, food, entertainment etc, everything... . he never even brought his own toothpaste or shower gel with him, just used everything I had... . ). This is what precipitated the final dump and NC from him. In his final patronising email he accused me of 'continually demanding compensation' (my money back that you had  no right to? yeah you're right there pal) and complained that 'I asked you to return those books before but you did not' (typical haughty entitlement to be served... . )

I decided to return the books anyway as it was the right thing to do, even though I was running his errands for him even after he had dumped me... .

Anyway, I received an itneresting email from his supervisor, who clearly wants to hear from him! He said 'Only one of these books is mine, but I believe [BPDex] may have a few more books belonging to me! I will contact him. I need to chase him regarding corrections to his thesis too'.

Going over a deadline for thesis corrections is a really serious matter here in UK. I have never heard of anyone who has done it. In fact people usually get their corrections done early.

The supervisor was very open in the email and I got the very strong impression he is pissed off with my unreliable entitled old ex and confused by his weird attitude.

This set of a  in which I realised that it wasn't me. Or at least a lot of it wasn't. Ex is indeed immature, unreliable and irresponsible. I know what he's been doing in the 3 months he should have been doing his corrections... . hanging out with amateur film makers in his home town in Italy, writing 'film scripts', trying to write 'commercial pop songs' and making videos with model actresses. In short indulging all his NPD type traits with a new buddy who he is enamoured with (male, but he always finds new 'creative' friends to adore quickly and then usually fights with them later, although not always). He is always starting new 'projects' intended to revolutionise something or other or save the world. which generally (always?) come to naught.

in short he has been mucking about indulging his ego and failing to act responsibly. Treating me as his skivvy to return items for him etc was typical and clearly he has also treated his supervisor's property casually which is a real no no.

I feel angry today and also shallow because I realise what I miss most is the sex and his beauty  that makes me feel crap. But I really tried to appreciate the good things about ex and really would have maintained the friendship he lied to me about. I kept giving and giving because I saw better in him and also wanted to help this rather lost dilettante grow up.

I realise it would never have worked and that he is messing up his life generally and not just with me. It does help a bit.

[delusionalxox]

 

Many of you have seen I've been in truly horrible pain since uBPD/NPD ex dumped me right in it (pregnant and on my own without a word other than a bogus wish to 'find serenity' and a plea to 'leave him alone and stop damaging him, I had damaged him enough already, his nights and days were filled with all the terrible things I had said and done to him (!)' - AFTER he found out I was pregnant and going through an abortion entirely on my own. And after he dumped and ignored me following an apparently heartfelt email on May 23 promising me eternal friendship and that to try to be with me somehow was his 'priority'.

I'm still in pain but mostly more angry today. Ruminating on how I would like him to get karma or payback for what he did to me, the way he made me feel like the psycho and the crazy, the way he reflected back at me all his own faults and all the very reasonable requests for change that I made when I could no longer cope with his incredible and ridiculous demands.

Anyway part of his final snotty email was about the stuff he had left here which I have to deal with including 2 books borrowed from his phD supervisor. I was incredibly angry at how he had dropped me like a stone and told me to stop bothering him, I was not the only person with problems, etc, etc, 3/4 days after his lovely 'eternal friendship' email. So I asked him why I should run errands for him if he could  not be bothered even to reply to me. And I also asked him for £50 back which he had taken out of my purse (!) when he had last been here (I was as usual paying for flights, food, entertainment etc, everything... . he never even brought his own toothpaste or shower gel with him, just used everything I had... . ). This is what precipitated the final dump and NC from him. In his final patronising email he accused me of 'continually demanding compensation' (my money back that you had  no right to? yeah you're right there pal) and complained that 'I asked you to return those books before but you did not' (typical haughty entitlement to be served... . )

I decided to return the books anyway as it was the right thing to do, even though I was running his errands for him even after he had dumped me... .

Anyway, I received an itneresting email from his supervisor, who clearly wants to hear from him! He said 'Only one of these books is mine, but I believe [BPDex] may have a few more books belonging to me! I will contact him. I need to chase him regarding corrections to his thesis too'.

Going over a deadline for thesis corrections is a really serious matter here in UK. I have never heard of anyone who has done it. In fact people usually get their corrections done early.

The supervisor was very open in the email and I got the very strong impression he is pissed off with my unreliable entitled old ex and confused by his weird attitude.

This set of a  in which I realised that it wasn't me. Or at least a lot of it wasn't. Ex is indeed immature, unreliable and irresponsible. I know what he's been doing in the 3 months he should have been doing his corrections... . hanging out with amateur film makers in his home town in Italy, writing 'film scripts', trying to write 'commercial pop songs' and making videos with model actresses. In short indulging all his NPD type traits with a new buddy who he is enamoured with (male, but he always finds new 'creative' friends to adore quickly and then usually fights with them later, although not always). He is always starting new 'projects' intended to revolutionise something or other or save the world. which generally (always?) come to naught.

in short he has been mucking about indulging his ego and failing to act responsibly. Treating me as his skivvy to return items for him etc was typical and clearly he has also treated his supervisor's property casually which is a real no no.

I feel angry today and also shallow because I realise what I miss most is the sex and his beauty  that makes me feel crap. But I really tried to appreciate the good things about ex and really would have maintained the friendship he lied to me about. I kept giving and giving because I saw better in him and also wanted to help this rather lost dilettante grow up.

I realise it would never have worked and that he is messing up his life generally and not just with me. It does help a bit.

[winston72]

Thank you for your post.  This one, like all of yours, has a literary quality to it.  I can feel your raw hurt and anger, and then feel the progression and sense of resolution over the course of the post itself.  This sounds like a literary review!  It is really a way of saying thank you for sharing so clearly.  It helps me and others.

I do find relief when I see the patterns of behavior toward me played out in other areas of my xSO's life.  While there were urges for revenge a while ago, now it is a kind of comforting confirmation that it is not my fault (a topic of ongoing reflection and therapy for me) and that there are truly deep seated issues with her.

From my outside perspective, he sounds like a high cost, low reward person in your life, as a lover or even a friend.  All to be avoided.  The story of your pregnancy and his reaction is appalling.  Truly appalling.  He does not seem to have the requisite make-up or skills to be a friends, let alone an intimate confidant. 

[delusionalxox]

Winston I work as an academic in law/literature funny how it forms the way we write.

I am trying very hard to stick with the progression but today is another hard day. I regret so many mistakes in my own life and things that left me in this lonely and sad position of being dependent on a 'low reward' person.

Thank you for saying the way he behaved over the pregnancy was appalling. I had really started to doubt myself. I had been very upset and left lots of angry texts and emails for him because he had abruptly dumped me after telling me we would be friends forever, he still loved me etc etc a few days before.

He has no empathy and could never see how his treatment of other people produced reactions in them that he then could not cope with. The person would then be blamed for reacting to his bull___. I saw him do it to others but he reserves the worst for his partners.

So I was painted completely black as a 'dangerous and damaging' person for being upset at how he messed me about.

Thing is, I know I didn't do right all the time. I am a troubled person myself who has done bad and unfeeling things to others. But I always feel the guilt (god do I) and I hate to feel I have truly hurt anyone.

I have done it in the past to my ex husband and so perhaps this recent BPD ex is karma for that. It certainly feels like it.

So I guess the worst thing for me is working out whether I deserved to be treated this badly. But I did give and give. I gave so much more than he did and expected far less. In the end all I wanted was friendship, a kind closure. It would have hurt but not like this. But he cannot give me that and he has blamed me for my own suffering (not just now but many times).

I want to talk to him today. I want an explanation, some moment of understanding. It is the hardest thing, to realise that will NEVER come.  :'(

[winston72]

His treatment of you and his handling of the pregnancy is appalling, by any standard.  As a friend he should have been by your side.  As a responsible party he should have been taking care of everything possible and making sure that you were being well taken care of.  This is what he should have done regardless of the status of your relationship.  No doubt about it for one second. 

You did not deserve to be treated the way he treated you in the relationship.  Period.  End of story. 

We all fail and stumble in all of our relationships; we hurt others and they hurt us.  But, what went on in your relationship was abuse.  It is never merited.

The behavior regarding the pregnancy and throughout the relationship is so extreme (not an exaggeration) and yet without ownership by this guy, that you default to thinking that you must bear some responsibility for it.  You can question and wonder why you were drawn to such a person and what needs the relationship tried to fill, but this is entirely different than bearing any responsibility for his wrong and hurtful behavior toward you.

[delusionalxox]

Thankyou Winston. I have been going through weird moments of wanting him to forgive ME (and even in my last text asked him to do so for what I did wrong... . although I was careful to say that I had many things to forgive too).

I needed to hear that his treatment of me has been appalling. I was texting and emailing incredibly upset and angry things but if that had been my ex I would have AT VERY LEAST called my parents, or somehow tried to ensure things were ok... . I can just about understand him not being there... . but not even replying to the message or acknowledging that it had happened... .

Yeah. It was abuse.

Another (nice) ex the other night said about BPD ex that 'he has stepped over every possible boundary of decency here. There is no way back'.

Yet still I feel sorry for him... . feel guilt for what I did to HIM... . and want his forgiveness. I wonder when it will end.