Being bullied

[Kwamina]

My uBPD mom is basically a thug when I consider the way she has treated me. She was (and still is) verbally abusive and extremely controlling. I was an easy target for my mother because I am by far the youngest child, my siblings are all at least 11 years older than me. When I got mad or tried to defend myself she would make me feel like it was wrong of me to do so. She made me believe that I deserved to be treated like this and conditioned me to just take her nonsense and not defend myself. This unfortunately had far reaching consequences because I took this attitude with me wherever I went. When other people mistreated me I behaved in the way I was conditioned by my mother, I remained passive. I was bullied by other children in school but at the time I wasn't fully aware how strongly this was related to the way I was being treated at home. I didn't like how things were at home but only now am I seeing how dysfunctional it really was and how it affected me psychologically and emotionally. The bullying in school made an already bad situation even worse. At a certain point it became too much for me and that's when the depression set in. So many problems I've had were either directly or indirectly related to the way I was being treated by my mother.

My uBPD sis and brother were in many ways just like my mother, they also used the fact that they were much older than me to bully and control me. I'm very happy I don't live with these people anymore. My uBPD mom and sis always put on their sweet/innocent/victim mask when others are around, but I've often seen a completely different side of them. There really is something sadistic in them but this only comes out with people they can control and believe to be weak. They're definitely cowards and won't do these things with people in power like their bosses at work. Their sadistic nature is one of the things that disturbs me most about them, I can see the pleasure on their face when they realize how much they have hurt me. I still have contact with them but I really don't trust them at all and don't share anything important with them.

[okaythen]

Hi Kwamina,

You sound like me. I too saw the glee, see it now sometimes. I used to take note of it but discount it because why would a person who loves me enjoy the act of trying to hurt me? With me it is my sister, mother and only child. I was surrounded. I always wanted to be closer to my BPD sister growing up. Now i see why it never worked out. Not because I didn't try hard enough.What a year this has been.

I'm sad about the 'glee sightings' too! Why? Why? Why? Can anyone explain the glee?  

[Calsun]

Dear Kwamina,

Yes, there was a look in my mother of pleasure in hurting me.  And I grew up in an untenable situation in which my mother would lash out and say the most hurtful things and take pleasure in that.  And there was a look in her, like that of a predator, before she would pounce.  It was always so difficult to explain because most people who have benign parents, cannot fathom a person, let alone a parent doing that to a child.  But my mother did it all the time, and then accused me of being hateful to her.

I can also relate to allowing others to bully me.  When I was growing up, there was a particular child at a particular time in my childhood who would call me names at school.  My mother spoke to his mother, spoke to the teacher to stop it, but in one of her episodes she screamed at me that the child was right about me.  Now, that set me up to feel as though anyone could treat me poorly because my mother believed that the names were justified.  And after all, she felt justified in abusing me.

To make it even more torturous and confusing, she would then shame me for not sticking up for myself with other people and for letting other people walk all over me.  Uggghh!

There is hope though, and I am understanding more and more that the problem was not me, it was a mother who was so ill.  I do have loving people in my life and friends with whom I can share this and be validated.  I still can feel as though the world is filled with borderline people because my mother universalized her behavior and communicated to me that others were like her. Not true.  Most people are much better regulated in their emotional life, they are not invested in hurting other people's feelings and having control over others.  My mother had a kind of killer energy in her, very destructive and very scary.  It made it feel unsafe to open up to others because on some level I felt that others would hurt me in the same way that my mother did.  But there are loving and safe people with whom one can create meaningful bonds.  I have learned that and need to remind myself of that when I start to isolate and feel that the only safety is in pulling the blankets over my head and being alone.

Thanks for sharing!

Calsun

[DreamFlyer99]

Dear Kwamina,


I can also relate to allowing others to bully me.  

It made it feel unsafe to open up to others because on some level I felt that others would hurt me in the same way that my mother did.  But there are loving and safe people with whom one can create meaningful bonds.  I have learned that and need to remind myself of that when I start to isolate and feel that the only safety is in pulling the blankets over my head and being alone.

Thanks for sharing!

Calsun

OH MY can I relate to these thoughts! I grew up in the atmosphere of being afraid to step out of line and of listening to my father's racist rants and watching my mother's very reactive facial expressions (which I now think of as disgust and "i'm so far above you" among other things) and wouldn't you know it, I married somebody with some of these traits.

I have so often felt that exact thing of 'the only safe place is to stay in bed and pull the covers over my face.' I didn't even realize the stuff my H did WAS bullying because I was so accustomed to caving in on my wishes to keep the peace. And i'd even believe the lines of "everyone gets angry" and the dismissive comments made to make me flee.

But now my T has done so much work with me and I can *SEE* what is real and what is a lie more readily. And I can see the bullying for what it is, and I can see what my reactions have been and can start finally rectifying them and not allowing the bullying sorts of behaviors to affect me the same way.

I didn't used to think I was worth all the fuss, but now I know my mental health is infinitely more important than doing the stuff I have done merely to survive! I want to move beyond the surviving and into the living. WE ARE WORTH IT.

I've seen the smile on the face of my H when he is off in his own head doing his BPD thing--I do not understand it. But then, I can't honestly say I understand the workings of his brain. But I don't need to understand entirely, I just need to know how to live and make smart choices when the acid rain is falling.

I think his mom was the same way, she'd really go off on the kids and beat them with a yardstick even when they were really little and for offenses she'd imagined.

BPD is the gift that keeps on giving (not unlike an STD) and it's up to us to become honest and mentally/emotionally healthy so we don't pass it on.

[Rose Tiger]

I believe the solution lies in becoming more confident, less people pleasing, more assertive.  Study people that don't let people walk all over them, the folks that don't fight dirty back, don't try to fix everything.  I like the show Friends, the reruns are on all the time, the Phoebe character is good, she has healthy boundaries, ok, let me reword that, she has the healthiest boundaries of all the characters.  And the show cracks me up, it's a self soother. 

I also find a lot of comfort in my faith, one of God's promises is to take care of vengeance stuff so I don't need to worry about that, you mess with one of God's chosen, you are going to pay.  I usually pray for them, that He will be merciful.   

[GeekyGirl]

Kwamina, that's awful. Your mother really was your first bully, when she should have been your biggest supporter. It's good that you're starting to see how her behavior affected you, and you're working on getting past this abuse. Your mother probably didn't feel good about herself, and acted out by bullying you. Does that make it right? Absolutely not. Can you grow from this? Yes.

I believe the solution lies in becoming more confident, less people pleasing, more assertive.  Study people that don't let people walk all over them, the folks that don't fight dirty back, don't try to fix everything.

This is good advice.  I think you're on the right track by being picky about what you share with your family. I know it's easier said than done, but have you started working on your own self confidence so you can be assertive in a healthy way?

[Calsun]

Dear Kwamina,

One of the strange dynamics for me of having grown up with a borderline mother is that I could often accept marginalizing or rejecting behavior, especially from women, and what would keep me coming back was the hope that they would finally love me if I just proved my love to them.  I did feel sad for my abusive mother because she was so hurt inside.

I felt sorry for the bully and wanted to love her into kindness and connection. And I have often hated my mother, as well.  But I'm learning that I don't have be sucked into bad relationships because I feel sad for the person who is toxic.  I don't have to hate my mother in order to detach from her, psychologically and emotionally.  In fact, the hatred and anger keeps me bound to her.  I can love her and still know that I can protect myself from connection with someone who is going to inevitably hurt me.  Even though Mom is terrified of abandonment and horribly lonely and sad, I can detach from her because she is so toxic and unable to have a healthy relationship.  And I can keep out of relationships with other people who touch the same chord in me that my mother did.

I didn't always feel as though I had a right to do that, a right to not just physical, but more importantly psychological and emotional detachment.  And I always thought I had to accept the hurt as my filial duty to a mother who was so ill.  And I always felt that she alone could determine when I could go, and that was going to be never,  residual feelings of the child obeying the mother, I suppose. That I could never break this toxic bond of abuse, marginalization and devotion.  And psychologically, as with domestic abusers, I felt that if I tried to get away psychologically, she wouldn't allow it and would hunt me down and kill me.  She couldn't, but the trauma bond made it feel that way inside.

That's not the case, today.  No one has the right to abuse me, no matter how hurt they are inside.  That's a decision that need not come out of hate or anger, which is just adopting the behavior of my mother.  That doesn't help my confidence or ability to really assert myself and have good boundaries.  It comes from increased recognition of my value as a person and an understanding that it was a sick system and an ill mother who treated me as though I lacked value and conditioned in me such a powerful bond to a mother who was simultaneously abusing me and then trying to draw me closer to her, simultaneously abusing me and getting me to feel sorry and devoted to her while she was doing it.  Abandoning and abusing me and pulling me in towards her at the same time.  There is hope to break those bonds and to move toward greater self love and meaningful relationships with loving and healthy people.  And I do feel these boards and the validation of the severity and the dynamics of the borderline person's behavior helps me to do that.

Thanks,


Calsun

[Kwamina]

Thanks for all your kind responses! I'm sorry so many of you have experienced the bullying by family members too but it doesn't surprise me.

I find this a difficult subject because everybody thinks my mother is always such a sweet person but she really isn't. Her behavior has had huge consequences for me but other people are completely unaware of it, or choose to look the other way.

I have started working on my self-confidence but I still feel 'shaky'. One thing my mother used to do is when she saw that I was feeling good about something, she'd make some stupid remarks to sour my mood. To this day this had lead me to feel anxious whenever good things are happening, I still feel that somehow it just won't last. I know that this is just emotional reasoning, but for many years it was my reality.

Becoming less people pleasing is something I've been working on for a while now and I'm actually becoming quite good at it

[GeekyGirl]

I find this a difficult subject because everybody thinks my mother is always such a sweet person but she really isn't. Her behavior has had huge consequences for me but other people are completely unaware of it, or choose to look the other way.

My mother's the same way. She can be incredibly charming in public and you'd probably never suspect that she has BPD if you were to meet her in church or out in the community. Well... . given that you recognize the signs, you might. 

It can feel very invalidating when our BPD parents' behavior seems so kind to everyone else, so I understand your frustration.

[DreamFlyer99]

I have started working on my self-confidence but I still feel 'shaky'. One thing my mother used to do is when she saw that I was feeling good about something, she'd make some stupid remarks to sour my mood. To this day this had lead me to feel anxious whenever good things are happening, I still feel that somehow it just won't last. I know that this is just emotional reasoning, but for many years it was my reality.

Kwamina, what I've been finding is that as I see myself for who I am, recognizing yes my weaknesses, but certainly also my strengths, I get to like myself more. Then I think the confidence comes along for the ride naturally!

i'm pleased for you that you've realized these dynamics with your mother while she is still alive, as I didn't start learning until after mine was gone. This way you get to actually practice your boundaries and feel the difference in your confidence, and that will reinforce the good hard work you're doing to become more emotionally healthy!

It can be so common for us to become buried under the lies the BPD loved one feeds you, and until you start exactly where you are by examining the interactions and seeing them for what they are, it's difficult to move forward with your life. I know what you're saying, my mother was likely a combo of undiagnosed narcissism and borderline, and boy can those folks be charmers, at least in public!

Good luck to all of us as we learn and then apply what we've learned.