BPD Daugther-in-law exposed now she is trying to sneak back in

[cpatlew]

Well new things are occurring. Son and DIL came for a surprise visit. Of course there is always a motive. She needs a platform to rant and accuse. After not engaging in her hateful tirade she turned on husband. Then at the end of conversation she said we need to be a big happy family. After threatening me with staying away from my siblings because this is not a competition and they are having something to do with her my husband was so excited about our son paying attention us (now you have to remember he did not defend us to her lies) and wanting back in our family that he loaned our boat to son and DIL. Unbeknownst to us by leaving out details we were lied to and they went to chase one of my brothers camping. Husband and I are now fighting because I believe that allowing son and DIL to control how they come back in our lives and loaning things we pay for and insure is just condoning their behaviors. Why are so many people afraid to set boundaries and not allow BPD to control everyone around them spreading their hatred and then saying now that I am done lets be friends? I am all for someone that knows they have something wrong and seeks help. There was a time when I felt I needed some extra help. I believe I am a better person because of it. Am I wrong? Should you give in to their demands just to get five minutes with your grandkids? I don't believe my son deserves to have access to anything we own because of his utter lack of respect for us and his need to constantly cowtow to her every demand. If he is that afraid leave!

[mil2bpd]

Hello Cpatlew... . I am new here, also coping with a uBPD DIL. I will have to get more familiar with your story and background before I can offer more concrete advice, as I don't have a full grasp of the situation but I can say this: firm rules are important to be adhered to by everyone dealing with a BPD. If they see or sense weakness, they will seize on it, act on it and destroy the very foundation of it. It appears to already be causing a rift. Be strong and be as united as you can be. It's hard, it's tough and the fact that it creates distance with DS is almost unbearable. I wish you success.

[cpatlew]

Thanks for the advice mil2BPD... . Sometimes a person just needs validation that staying firm is the right thing to do. So many people are afraid of BPD's.  I know my DIL has used bullying, lies, and trying to turn people against each other to get drama going all the time. My son has been married to his wife for 10 years and they have three children. The behaviors started long before they married. I don't have enough room to fit all the hideous things she has said and done. He tried breaking up with her before the marriage and she involved her parents saying that we were trying to keep them apart. His best friend even warned him. For the first 8 years of his marriage he would come home repeatedly saying he had enough or was concerned about his son. Our advice was if you stay with her get her help if not get your ducks in a row and be ready for a fight. Always telling him it was his decision. He took a turn for the worse about two years ago and came in with her and proceeded to tear his father, sister and I apart. All the while she sat there with a smile. At times he would grab his head and say he felt like he was going crazy. After those episodes all contact was severed and the lies began. Our grandson was turned against us, we were not allowed to see our granddaughter when she was born or there after and had nothing to do with our grandson who just turned a year old. In the process they began a campaign of lies and vicious acts to discredit us to my family and my husbands. You have to realize my son is ADHD and on no medication. This in itself is a ticking time bomb.  He has high frustration levels and can become rather confused and easily swayed with the tension is high. I have watched her in these sessions tell him what he thinks and what we have done. He just sits there in a constant state of confusion. Not excusing his behavior (we have worked very hard to help him gain control of those times and learn to deal) but I don't believe it will get better until he is shook beyond belief and asked for professional help. In the meantime my husband, daughter and I continue to be held hostage by his inabilities and her very evil behavior. Just hitting a frustration level and having a hard time dealing. I believe there has to be limits and consequences or how is she going to learn and how is he? When you say they look for weaknesses you are so right. My mother began a horrible journey to her death and it took a toll on us all. She used that to her advantage and began her campaign to fracture an entire family that was dealing with a lot of grief. She is still using my mother's death in her yelling sessions to see if she can make me crack. I don't understand the sheer mean spirited behavior that she has. It makes it hard to want to try to even work out a relationship with my son... .

[mil2bpd]

I can feel your frustration.  Regrettably, I am unable to provide any more feedback other than offering support at this time as DH and I were hit last night with the full impact of our DIL's actions toward DS, so I apologize if I am distracted by that situation at the moment.  I will try to circle back once the dust settles - however, I am afraid it will be kicking back up full force... .

I hope you get the shoulders you need to lean on here as I suspect you will. It seems like a network to provide that.

Another question/venue: do you and DH have a good T?

[cpatlew]

Mil2BPD... . Thanks for the reply. I know exactly how you feel. The constant waiting for the next explosion or devastating circumstance is always right around the corner. You are in my thoughts and I hope that things work out.

Just hearing the compassion and understanding helps. I know there isn't really anything anyone can do to help but listen. In all our circumstances no one can understand unless they live it. That is why this site has helped a lot.

No my DH and I don't have a T. I am currently looking for one. We have hit a hard wall and my DH just wants everything to be back to normal. I am afraid our normal isn't healthy for any of us. I keep telling him boundaries but at this time he isn't listening. So goes the every day struggle when a BPD comes into your life. I thought having a son with ADHD was difficult but adding her onto it has made it a nightmare.

Again, good luck and stay strong!

[mil2bpd]

Ah, BPDs (and NPDs) know how to latch on to anyone with a vulnerability. The ADHD was her entry key, sadly... .

Good luck with your search for a T. I was so relieved to hear from my DH today that he called one who had helped me immensely in the past. I'm afraid his resolve, like your DH's, is not quite as tough as mine. He's really struggling with some issues coming to a head now.

[Calsun]

Dear cpatlew,

I can relate to your situation and respect your awareness and resolve.  Being firm with the BPD.  My mother is an UBPD and growing up, my father had such lack of firmness with her.  He allowed himself and his children to be abused and bullied by her tirades and attitude. And, yes I can relate to the phrase "evil behavior."   It was destructive and self-destructive behavior that my mother exhibited. It was like someone possessed.  She was destroying the people around her, emotionally and physically, and my father (I always want to call him my brother because he seemed as helpless as I was as a child) never stood up to her and never even acknowledged the severity of what she was doing. I lived in terror.  If the non-BPD parent had stood up to her, I would have learned that there was a way to approach this other than to kowtow or huddle internally in fear.  As an adult, I have had a difficult time establishing boundaries and being firm.  That has really hurt me in my life.  I am now learning to establish those boundaries and to resolutely establish limits with others.  

One of the things I'm becoming aware of is how easily the BPD could get me to stop focusing on myself and the things that I really wanted to do and achieve.  When you are dealing with tirades, craziness, emotional extortions, another person's constant misery and  negativity, it's hard to build a profession you love or to do artistically what you envision, to really become the person in life you seek to be, to build healthy relationships with people who are not emotional vampires.  

But awareness is the first step.  I respect your awareness and resolve, and thank you for sharing your story.  It certainly helped me.  To once again be aware of and validated in the understanding that BPD's are terrors, that they manipulate and distort, that they take advantage of vulnerability and create confusion, that they abuse and manipulate.  That they are without justification.  My uBPD mother  was not a normal person just having an excitable moment, this was a complex of behaviors that was extreme, ill, evil and destructive.  No one in my family of origin ever acknowledged that, and firmness with such a person was never applied.  We had appeasement modeled, rather than standing up to the evil.

Thanks again.  You're not alone.

Calsun