Evolving Crisis

[mil2bpd]

Things are escalating much faster than I realized or expected along a path I'd not anticipated. I no sooner posted a response on here than DH and I got a phone call from DS; DH said he sounded distraught. He is on his way over, lives only 15 minutes away. He said he's having a terrible time with DIL who has left for her mother's. Now he's called, she took his keys... .

[swampped]

Sorry about this new wrinkle, MIL.  Is the grandchild okay?  We have been there so many times---there is a knot in my stomach whenever the phone rings, still---I am not sure it will ever go away.  I hope that you have gotten in touch with your ds by now, and that things are settling down.  One of the most difficult things about BPD, as others have pointed out, is the ripple effect that spreads throughout the extended family.  Amazing that a single person can have such power.  Some advice from AlAnon that has helped me during similar times:  1.  Breathe.   2.  When in crisis, do the next right thing.  As in laundry, wash the dishes, make a cup of tea, pull weeds in the garden.  3.  Often things look very different in the morning---especially after we have spent a night worrying over our child/grandchild/in-law----and they are safely asleep and feeling better for having off-loaded their crisis on us.  I hope you can find some peace tonight.      Swampped

[mil2bpd]

Oh Tess... . things are actually much worse that I realized. DIL has more than just traits, prob. full blown BPD. DS was here tonight, we picked him up at their house, after she took off w/GS to her mom's, the mom she used to avoid, preferring to be here. We offered her security, love, financial comfort, stability - things she never had. In turn, we learned tonight from DS, she has raged against him resorting to physical attacks, verbal abuse, name-calling. He has had to limit her spending. Her therapist, the newest one DIL is going to, has called this financial abuse on his part!  The therapist is training in weight loss coaching - what a horrible fit for this disorder, simply criminal. 

But I digress.  DS said he first started seeing signs that something was amiss after their engagment, in '09 -fits of unreasonable jealousy. Things got worse after the birth of their child when she went into PPD and was medicated, underwent therapy but insurance changed and with it therapists who has NOT been helping DIL, just the opposite. Marriage has been deteriorating. GC has witnessed DIL hitting DS, screaming at him. Terrible environment. Maybe contributing to his speech delay, come to think of it.

Fortunately, DS had the forethought to have a pre-nup, which she has "cleverly" hidden. he has another of course.

We are changing locks and alarm codes here; she had full access to our home. This has hit us like a ton of bricks. I am exhusted and shell shocked but riding out the storm equipped the best I can and doing what I can for DS and DGS.

[Fatigued]

I do hope things have settled down somewhat for you, and that you were able to get some rest.  Is GS all right?  And how are you and DS coping today?  It is so difficult when these crises arise, and affect other loved ones in the process.  It sounds like you have taken precautions to be secure in your home, which is good.  Please take time to see to your needs as well, ok?  I understand how exhausting these episodes are.  They do pass -- even if it seems interminable as they unfold.

[mil2bpd]

Great name, Fatigued.

Thanks for checking on me, DS and GS. I did have a chance to talk to DS today -- DS spoke to DIL this morning, said they need to separate. She had a hard time handling this of course - said she couldn't take care of the little one today, she had to go to the dr. to get her meds changed. So DS had to try to work from home while handling the demands of a 2 year old. He said the little guy seems to be acting like something's wrong. I have to wonder if this is all contributing to his speech delay - he's such a bright child, could he possibly be holding back from talking, out fear his mother will scream at him the way she does at his father?

I told DS we are and will always be here for him and our grandson. He is taking the most logical step. We were so relieved to hear he had the forethought to get a pre-nup agreement. 

My neighbor is coming over later to help change the code on the front door lock; we were not able to do that and DS is staying here while we are out of town for the long weekend.

I have to admit - I'm concerned for my son's safety now. Have others felt that way?

[ScarletOlive]

Hi mil2BPD,

Just wanted to check in and see how things are going now. I'm very sorry things have been tough for you of late. It sounds really rough. Is your son still staying with you?

I also hear your concern for your grandson. Domestic violence does affect children, especially young children, because their sole providers, protectors, source of love and life are involved and threatened. It's really great that you're trying to protect him from a damaging environment. Has he been evaluated by any doctors as to his speech delay?

[mil2bpd]

It was so nice to arrive home from the long weekend to get your message, Scarletolive, it means a lot.

We had had previously arranged plans for quite some time to meet up with friends while visiting my in-laws in a nursing home - more about that in a moment - but it was good to get away for us and also provide some quiet time for DS here at our home. Fortunately, there's a guest area where he's able to stay, fully equipped for GS also, who was here too for the two nights over the weekend. DS said all went well in regard to staying here; neither DH nor I asked any particulars about DIL and her name did not come up. We are being respectful of that and don't want to pry.

I did, however, direct my son to some websites with helpful articles about BPDs as well as made sure he had a copy of Stop Caretaking the Borderline. He told me when I'd called after arriving in FL that he'd started reading so I'm taking that as a positive step for him.

As far as GS's speech delay, again - thanks for the validation. I'm still not certain if the tension in the home would actually be a contributing factor to the delay but I am going to start to investigate SLPs in the area specializing in his age group. After I gather the information, and when DS has his son here I'll inquire if I could arrange for a consultation. I really want to be mindful of boundaries and don't want to be overstepping at this sensitive time.  If his uBPD wife got an inkling I was in any way interfering, I certainly wouldn't want that held against me - or in any potential custody battle. I'm trying to stay a step ahead of her distorted cognition and plotting.

In the past DIL has said the pediatrician said not to worry, GS is right on target. She also told me, GS "is talking up a storm", claimed one day at lunch he said, "No more Mom, I all done".  Great if it were so but the child has never strung so much as two words together. I honestly believe that DIL takes any suggestion that GS is less than perfect (I hear -- or heard -- all the time that whenever she went out with him people would always stop to say how gorgeous he is) that it's a poor reflection on her. Is that hallmark signs of early enmeshment? 

She and her BPD mother take the little guy to Disneyland for a little vacation of their own starting tomorrow. Her mother knows nothing of the split, per my son. And her mother is the one that was the source of many of her abandonment issues; only now are they working on reconciling their relationship. But as someone told me, "You can't have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional person" and now the two of them are in charge of this sweet little developing child.

So, in answer to your question as to how I'm doing?  Short answer: I'm following my plan to support my son as best I can... . but I still feel worry and concern for my GS.

Just wondering, what is your relation to the pwBPD in your life?

Oh, and the MIL I visited in the nursing home... . she had been a uBPD-Queen variety when she was in her "glory days" - but now suffering from vascular dementia and happier than she's ever been; it's actually kind of nice to see her, in a way, like this! Just pure love and happiness coming out of her... . yet strangely, when I did try to have some conversation with her during our second visit and found myself telling her about DS, she got all teary eyed, hugged me and said, "Oh no, Mamma, oh no" - followed by "But I love you".  I never heard that in the nearly 40 years I've known her. It was, I have to say, an odd blessing... .

[Brown]

Hi mil2BPD,

I have not been on the website in a few days and when looking at the board, I saw this posting from you.  I am so sorry to hear about your crisis.  I can't believe things changed so fast and that this is happening to you.  I just said a prayer for you and your family--your son, grandchild, husband, and even your DIL.  But maybe things can start getting better with her gone.  I certainly hope your son can get this child if they divorce.  Keep me posted.  Wishing you the best, Brown

[ScarletOlive]

mil2BPD,

Glad to be of support, my dear. You're very wise to follow the boundaries, while researching resources to help the little guy. Your grandson is lucky to have you. It seems like you're moving towards Radical Acceptance which is so important for us family members of pwBPD. You love your son, you want what's best for your grandson, and you are loving towards your DIL too. Also, good for you for giving your son that book and encouraging him to study BPD. The more you know, the more you can help things. It's important for your grandson that your son be the stable parent, and if he understand your DIL's disorder, he can better guide your grandson through the turbulence.

To answer your question, for me, it's my mother who has BPD.

I'm glad you got to hear the "I love you" from MIL. It doesn't fix everything, but it is a blessing, indeed.