How long have you been detaching ?

[changingme]

Just curious... .

How long has everyone been "detaching from the wounds of a failed BPD relationship" ?

When is the true point of "detached" happen?

[xenia]

July makes 5 months since I last attempted contact. True point of detachment? I'll assume it's when thinking about my friend doesn't bother me as much. I still have many sad days. When those become few and far in-between, I'll know I've overcome most of the hurt.

[morningagain]

It will be 11 months since the separation on the 10th of July, and I thought several times I was detached, but there are more strands, always, it seems.  Prior to the separation, there was years of the dysfunctional relationship which left me increasingly bewildered, and to some extent detached.

About 2 and a half months ago, there was a brief attempt at reconciliation.  Left me bewildered again... .  She stated that her relationship with her boyfriend has nothing to do with our relationship and reconciliation.  It is a sad, odd world she lives in.

This last weekend, there was yet another go-round.  She called and told me she did not want to live without me.  When I texted her back asking her what would be different, and if she was willing to get therapy AND work on a two way relationship, she called back in a dysreg, yelling that I do not give her unconditional love, then hung up.  So I texted her back that she wants unconditional love, and I want a relationship.

I hope to detach.  I am more detached than before.  I do not know if I will ever fully detach from the wounds, or from my addiction to my stbxdBPDw.

[danley]

Almost 5 months. The first three and a half months was pure torture.  Apparently my ex had begun the detaching on his own because he said he felt we were too emotionally attached.  I felt that was pure crap because being emotionally attached to your S/O HAPPENS and is natural after being together for 3 years. For some reason, out of the blue, this scared him even though he frequently commented on how he felt so safe, comfortable, and himself with me days before saying we were too emotionally attached.   

Anyways, the last month and a half has been confusing but better.  I'm no longer getting the rages and painted black.  But I'm still perplexed as to the abrupt abandonment when things between us were good AND I'm perplexed because I don't understand how he could be a jerk for three and a half months and then now he's all acting like he cares about me.

The point of true detachment is when I no longer think about him and when i can be in the same room as him and not even notice him or think of what we had together... . as well as all the pain and hurt that was caused.  The point of indifference to his existence. However, I will be honest and say that I don't know if I will ever be indifferent to his total existence.  I do care about him and he has touched my life in different ways.  I guess I don't want to lose the good sides and things about my ex.  But I do want to move on and heal from all the bad stuff and detaching is the way to go for peace right now.

[causticdork]

About three months.  I'm well detached from any feelings of wanting to get back together or give things another try, but I'm having a really hard time not wanting to stay friends.  I know that my ex has done some things that I wouldn't tolerate from any of my other friends, and yet it's still hard to just walk away completely. 

She's started complaining about her boyfriend to me recently.  The same guy she told me she was in love with a week or two ago, and already she's telling me all these negative things about him.  Which, first of all, is kind of inappropriate.  There are a lot of people besides her very recent ex she could be venting to if she really needed to vent... . But it doesn't bother me all that much, and I take that as a good sign.  She's probably going to attempt a recycle, but since she's been trying to get back together ever since we broke up, I'm used to shutting that down. 

[MessedWith]

15 months of no-contact and still not detached, but I am progressing.  

I was/am obsessed.  She intrudes into my head every single day. I'm well past the grief stage, and just now coming out of months and months of anger.  Better anger than anguish.  Anger helped me drop the love-blinders from my eyes so I could begin to reflect more clearly.

When the relationship ended I was bereft because at the time I didn't understand BPD and was hoping that she would just somehow stabilise and we could have a great "normal" relationship (and like many here, I was addicted to the intensely wonderful, loving, deeply connected times and soo needed another hit of that heroin).  

So, one milestone I reached on this path to detachment was when I realised, and fully felt, that I dodged a bullet because she is seriously mentally ill and I can't do anything to change that.  The destructive cycles would only have continued.  I am truly better off.  I think the anger started to dissipate once I realised the size of the bullet I dodged.  I am truly grateful it ended.

Now I need to figure out my part in it - what is/was wrong with me that I got so sucked in, disempowered, controlled, manipulated and lost.  I need to work on myself to grow from this experience.

I'm finally about to see a psychologist to talk about it. I did try once before, last year, but I was in the grieving phase and all I could do was blubber and clam up.

It has gotten easier with time and strict adherence to no-contact.  Any contact would just set me back and I'd have to start all over again.  I think making contact with your exBPD is like picking at a scab, it reopens the wound and delays the healing.  

 

She won't really be out of my life until she is also out of my head and heart.  When I can roll my eyes and laugh at the past without feeling loss or anger, that's when I know I'll have detached.  

... . No, the true test will be when we accidentally come face to face, which is likely to happen one day as we live in the same area.  Not too soon I hope, better never!

[delusionalxox]

Ex officially 'dumped' me as a 'relationship' in February after I refused to 'consult' him about buying a house (in UK, where he neither lives nor works, though there was some vague plan to, involving applying for one job... . ) eg he 'dumped' me because I as not providing total commitment, support and acceding to his control attempts, while refusing to actually commit to me at all.

I think I started trying to detach then too but didn't make it. He still wanted me as a friend and that 'clearly he still loved me' but didn't 'want the obligations of a relationship'... .


i can see  now that I went into a weird form of denial after that. None of my friends or family knew I was still travelling to see him/ paying for him to visit me in UK. We did have one wonderful holiday in Sicily travelling around in May, which sadly I can't forget and the memory still makes me cry even though it was 'fake'  :'( I think after that (I had paid for everything... . ) he was considering trying again so came to UK and it was all awful again. Rows, screaming, complaints, sulking, entitlement, taking things he should not have. Etc. I ended up self harming I was so upset.

He said sorry after that in a beautiful email saying I was his priority in life, he wanted to fix this even though he knew that might not work, but he always wanted me in his life. Nice eh? Everything I would want to hear. I thought he was finally changing. That was May 23... . and after that I was bombarded briefly with sexual emails which I didn't respond to (we were friends right?... . I didn't want to be his free virtual prostitute too) then ignored, down to one liners, finally painted black when I asked for money back he had taken from my purse and the return of a favourite cardigan I had left at his mother's.

I heard nothing at all since early June. June 9 found I was pregnant, told him via facebook, and saw that he read the message, but no response. In my anger, loneliness and despair I bombarded him with sad, raging, desperate emails and texts, some probably very insulting; but he's done the same to me before several times and always been forgiven. I didn't call and try to fix it. But he ignored me the day of the abortion and blocked my calls, I just wanted to talk to the baby's father about what was happening, you know? He sent one email that day saying that 'I had deeply damaged him and he had enough problems already, his nights and days were filled with the terrible things I had said and done to him, whether or not I acknowledged this it was true, and did not erase the good things between us (?), and now I must stop it'. No mention of fact that I was pregnant and aborting his baby; he referred to the texts and emails as the reason he had cut me off although they didn't start until afterwards. He always did call me 'offensive' and said that the things I said to him in anger (often justified believe me :S) were 'the number one reason I don't want to be with you'. But he would of course behave appallingly like a teenager pushing his mum to explode. Then when I exploded he had his reason to paint me black.

I think I last texted him 5 or so days ago, on the verge of apologising and asking forgiveness, although I think I just about managed to remember in my self loathing state that I really had not been treated well at all and this person  had just left me to abort his child on my own at the age of 40.

That has been it since. I've really hit the abandonment depression since I went NC. Losing weight, crying every 20 minutes including in car. Intrusive images of him all the time, odd fits of rage, rumination. An empty feeling.  He is really gone. No more drama. No more sex and reunions. I guess I must adjust now but the spark of life feels extinguished.

[Murbay]

I was already working towards emotional detachment with my T prior to the end of the relationship. It was in aid of trying to make our marriage work without becoming too involved in the abuse. It still really hurt when the marriage ended, probably more because of the speed in which it ended.

6 months ago, had anyone told me how I would feel today, I wouldn't have believed anything they had to say because the pain was still there. Having worked through all of those feelings, worked with my T and now understanding myself in greater detail. I'm in a very happy place. Back in my own country, I'm actually further on than when I initially met my exBPDw only I still have those moments of sadness and do miss her from time to time but really enjoying life.

It's funny, because all the things we talked about doing, the start of our own dreams and ambitions that never came to fruition, I've accomplished many of them myself in the last month. From what I know, she is still sat in the same place emotionally and mentally, annoyed that the world is passing her by and weekly, keeps trying to project that blame. It also brings home who was actually waiting for who, which was something I lost confidence in during the relationship.

Of course I miss her and of course I still have feelings for her but the moment I recognised why the relationship would never work and took those steps forward on my own, the momentum has built up and I'm very happy with where I am right now. As much as I care for her, I would never go back and although she will always have that place in my heart, I'm living my life for me.

[bpdspell]

Detaching takes a significant amount of time, effort, self awareness because we more than likely shared an addictive trauma bond with them. There's a major difference between NC and detaching. I was NC but very much still attached for over a year. I just couldn't let go of what HE did to me, the victim story and the need to prove in my mind what an inhuman monster my ex was.

I wasn't ready to detach until I looked at myself. Major Ouch. Looking at yourself and being accountable for your own twisted fantasies of "savior love" and making peace with this fantasy thinking is HARD. I hated owning that I wanted my ex to rescue me just as much as he wanted me to rescue him.

You also have to surrender the dreams and fantasies of happily ever after, unrequited love and put them into proper perspective.

I'm over 2 years out... . detached about 90%. Ten percent of me still wishes the outcome were different. And I'm ok with that. Transition and elevation into becoming the best possible me takes a considerable amount of inner shifting.  Having patience with myself has been the most challenging aspect of the detaching process.

Spell

[Ittookthislong]

almost 2 years. I read somewhere that after an emotional traumatic relationship it takes your brain 2 years to chemically go back to where it was. that was a nice read because it gave me light at the end of the tunnel. I started thinking I would never be quite the same ever again.

but I assume that 2 years NC and I was a dummy a bit back I tried contacting him... . only to get very patronizing condescending responses about him being glad I was better... . which sent me reeling in my thoughts and made me doubt myself again.

[changingme]

Interesting... .

So what I am getting from all of this is that is pretty much seems like an almost forever process and because I am NOT NC (child) I should add an extra lifetime to that timeline.   

[morningagain]

Interesting... .

So what I am getting from all of this is that is pretty much seems like an almost forever process and because I am NOT NC (child) I should add an extra lifetime to that timeline.   

Well, the idea is to attach from the wounds.  I think that people who are strong enough to stay in an r/s with a BPD and have it be somewhat of a rewarding life detach from the wounds, and develop healthy armor so that the slings and arrows mostly do not find their mark, or at least the wounds become superficial.  Acceptance that it is the disorder firing away, and patience to wait repeatedly for the person to reemerge, and healthy self love to sustain when the full healthy spectrum of love from another is not available.

[flynavy]

All... . its been 1 year for me... . called off the wedding on June 30th, 2012 with my exBPD/NPD fiance.  Why so hard!  Trust me, I have researched this disorder "ad nauseum".  One thing that I found along the way is because having a relationship with a mentally disordered person the breakup/detachment is not like breaking up/detaching from a "normal" relationship.  Your ex emotionally abused (some of us physically as well... . yeah guys get sucker punched when their not looking/ready/expecting it) you... . programmed you! There is a phenomena called "trauma bonding" (google Stockholm Syndrome) where those people who have been traumatized by lets say a hostage taker... . they actually form an empathetic bond with the abuser/source of trauma!  Example... . after being kidnapped, Patty Hearst was convicted of bank robbery with her kidnappers... . some say an excellent example of "trauma bonding".

There really is no rational/organic reason for the prolonged attachment... . especially when we have been deceived, manipulated, cheated on, emotionally/verbally/physically abused.  Hell i still do a double take when I see a black Honda Coup go by to see it its her.  I also heard that it takes about 2 years for the brain to break down neural pathways that have been programmed... . our brains like to put things in an easily accessible file because it learned we go there frequently... . the more you go there... . the higher the priority for recall and access... .

[mango_flower]

8 months!

Definitely not detached yet. Still detaching. But on the right lines.

[mcc503764]

Well... . two years out and not there.  The biggest problem has been the fact that we have recycled 5x since then.  So in essence, there has never been an opportunity to "get over it?"  Everytime there is an extended period of NC, we "reconnect," and old feelings get brought to the surface again... . (for me anyways... . )

I couldnt tell you.  In retrospect, I definately wish I would have "never looked back."  The recycles have allowed me to see alot that I couldnt see before, but the cycles are maddening!  Talk about the emotional rollercoaster!

I more than understand the dynamics, "BPD / NPD," ABC and 123... . I get it. 

I am trying to take small steps.  I am working on myself, but this "addiction" is the hardest thing that I have ever had to face!

Strung out and needing advice?

MCC 

[morningagain]

Well... . two years out and not there.  The biggest problem has been the fact that we have recycled 5x since then.  So in essence, there has never been an opportunity to "get over it?"  Everytime there is an extended period of NC, we "reconnect," and old feelings get brought to the surface again... . (for me anyways... . )

I couldnt tell you.  In retrospect, I definately wish I would have "never looked back."  The recycles have allowed me to see alot that I couldnt see before, but the cycles are maddening!  Talk about the emotional rollercoaster!

I more than understand the dynamics, "BPD / NPD," ABC and 123... . I get it. 

I am trying to take small steps.  I am working on myself, but this "addiction" is the hardest thing that I have ever had to face!

Strung out and needing advice?

MCC 

You could try CoDA - Codependents Anonymous

This is a 12 step program which is designed for addictions - in us codeps case, we get addicted to people (Or at least unhealthy relationships)

Ask what you want in a relationship.  This post by Randi Kreger helps to get me re-grounded when I lose my footing:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182666.0

[changingme]

Well, the idea is to attach from the wounds.  I think that people who are strong enough to stay in an r/s with a BPD and have it be somewhat of a rewarding life detach from the wounds, and develop healthy armor so that the slings and arrows mostly do not find their mark, or at least the wounds become superficial.  Acceptance that it is the disorder firing away, and patience to wait repeatedly for the person to reemerge, and healthy self love to sustain when the full healthy spectrum of love from another is not available.

Jason519,

You have a great point here and thank you for helping me remember that.  Having contact with him I have really come a long way. I am patient  and wait for the better side of him to reemerge, I have learned how to join his "beat of his own drum" when I need to communicate, etc.  I have learned to accept him as is and it has all helped tremendously. 

I just get stuck on detaching from the feelings.  Just as mcc503764 says, I know and understand it all and get it but that hasn't stopped me in the past to recycle countless times.  I have recycled even after an entire year of having a break! I really hope those days are done with and that is my focus.  Although, having so much contact it is hard to break the hope or the love or the feelings or the addiction... . whatever is keeping me stuck here!

I am going to try the angle of detaching from mainly the wounds.  Telling myself to detach from this person doesn't get anywhere. 

CT

[Undone123]

It will be exactly 4 months in 3 days time... . Bits of contact that send me backwards... . its pretty hard though!

I've been completely on my own as well, no rebounds etc.

Would a rebound help do you think? as long as it was honest and above board

[huhhuh]

It's been 7 months since breakup. 3 months with nc.

I am still chocked and filled with disbelief and realize that detaching will take very long time. I think I never will detach completely, but I hope to be detached enough so it doesn't affect my day.

[stop2think]

5 months since the breakup (NC from his end) , but 3 months for NC (from my end).

Not yet completely detached. Each time i feel better, some news about him reaches me. Last month quit his job (we were co-workers). He got married last week.

2 months ago, I have deactivated my FB profile to help me in not stalking him or his friends or his wife to 'know' about his whereabouts etc. The day i got to know he got engaged - something died in me - probably the 'Hope' that we would be back together.

Now that he is married - i feel there is ONLY one way for me now - FORWARD!

At times, I take one step forward and 2 steps back.

[Free One]

almost 2 years. I read somewhere that after an emotional traumatic relationship it takes your brain 2 years to chemically go back to where it was. that was a nice read because it gave me light at the end of the tunnel. I started thinking I would never be quite the same ever again.

That is nice to know. I've had quite a few people tell me it took about two years after lower conflict divorces to get back to normal and for a lot of the anger to subside. Have some sort of "light" does help.

I am at two years as well (after a 17 year relationship). I do feel significantly better about things, but detachment is still a process, especially since uBPDexh and I have a child together. I think it is harder to detach when you have such an important connection and you HAVE to maintain some level of contact.

[Reforming]

10 months since separating from a 16 year relationship and I'm beginning to feel detached.

Like most other transformations you got through peaks and troughs.

At times I feel better and stronger (and these periods are gradually getting longer).

But at other times, particularly at difficult points when my life is complicated or stalled I do slip back into anger and sadness.

I think the key for me is feeling that I am making progress and moving forward with my own life.

Therapy, exercise, eating well, not drinking, keeping a diary and generally giving my life direction and purpose really helps me to become more detached.

When I let these things slip away and lose my sense of purpose I feel much more vulnerable,  alone and sucked back into the past and what ifs... .

I've been using CBT every day and I'm hoping to start Schema Therapy in the next month.

I've been pretty strict about maintaining NC from the beginning and bar a few legal emails and 2 meetings in the first couple of months I haven't seen or spoken to her.

I never tried to talk her back or reunite. But I still feel the pull.

I googled her today and discovered that she's just been promoted to managing director of the company where she works, along with a married work colleague that she had an affair with and brought back to our home.

Felt a bit blue but then I remind myself of what our relationship was actually like. The terrible unpredictability of her mood swing, her industrial blaming, the violence, her pathological refusal to take any responsibility for any part of her life outside of work and the cheating... .

And I realise that this doesn't change anything.  She has family history of bipolar and sexual abuse but she's a high functioning BPD who excels at her job while completely neglecting every other aspect of her life.

I loved her but I've known for a long time that being with her has been profoundly destructive to me and my life.

I went to therapy but she is completely resistant to getting help.

But it's pointless blaming her

I've realise that to detach successfully means I need to recognise my own part in what happened, own my choices and learn to forgive myself.

I'm not here yet but I am much closer than I was six months ago

It does get better

[changingme]

It will be exactly 4 months in 3 days time... . Bits of contact that send me backwards... . its pretty hard though!

I've been completely on my own as well, no rebounds etc.

Would a rebound help do you think? as long as it was honest and above board

Dank,

I am completely on my own with a lack of a good support system and not in therapy.  I am always one to advocate against rebounding but sometimes I think this may be my own solution! Not to heal, or fix my inner issues, but maybe just to take ex out of my forefront thinking every minute of the day.  To give a break on the obsessing and shut some of the chatter in my mind.  It is hard to push through when your in a constant state of obsessing.

Has anyone tried this? Having a rebound? Did it help or worsen the situation?

[mcc503764]

Rebounds do help... . for a bit, but in all fairness to other people, why would you knowingly put someone else through pain?

Just wondering your thoughts

MCC

[changingme]

Mcc503764,

Well like Dank said it would have to be a honest situation.  I would never want to hurt someone and I have a feeling that rebound situation would hurt me first.  It is just a thought and curious everyone's thoughts on this. 

A thought and question for you... . is it any different or better or not than trying to date and get to a point and realize you aren't really ready or healed over this relationship enough to be fair to the other person.  Wouldn't that put them through pain?

[Reforming]

I understand the appeal of a rebound, especially in the early stages when you feel utterly abandoned and on your own but they nearly always end in tears. Saying that I did have a short relationship with a much younger woman immediately after I broke up and for a while it did help me get through the very early stages.

But even it my slightly deranged state I realised that it was healthy or fair to myself or to her

And sooner or later you have to face up to what's happened and be on your own for a while

But saying all that I am grateful that she was around during the very early stages

[SomebodyThatIUsedtoKnow]

Four years NC.  Not fully detached and likely will never be.  A month ago, during one of my every-few-month Facebook searches for him, I finally found a profile.  I stared at it for days contemplating whether I should send a request.  Well, I broke down and did it but refuse to initiate contact.  He still hasn't.  He's just been looming on my friend list for a month with zero interaction.  I DO NOT want him back.  I am married (to an Aspie, geez, I just can't find a normal man, !). However, I am very reminiscent of the relationship/friendship with BPD-ex.  He will always be in my heart and mind.  He warped my entire mode of thinking.  The way I felt with BPD-ex in the beginning is something so inexplicably blissful, I have never and will never experience that feeling again.  I realize I was mentally and emotionally abused, but I can't stop thinking of the good times and the closeness we shared.  Being married to an Aspie makes it especially hard for me to detach from those memories. 

[changingme]

Four years NC.  Not fully detached and likely will never be.  

Somebody,

I'm sorry to hear you are still struggling with this after four years and being married and thank you for your honesty.  I guess that is my whole point to my post, I kind of want to hear from some that are either detached or someone like you who is years into detached and still feels like you aren't.  I want to know this because I think its a horrible feeling to stride for a goal and realize you may never get there, these are the types of things that can push me back to my ex either for a recycle or hanging on for hope. 

Did you have the help of a therapist?  What do you think you will do if ex accepts your friend request?

[changingme]

I understand the appeal of a rebound, especially in the early stages when you feel utterly abandoned and on your own but they nearly always end in tears.

Reforming,

I am way past the early stages yet still feel so utterly abandoned. I guess technically rebound is the wrong word.  I tried dating last summer briefly and it helped me a lot stop obsessing and of course there was that confidence boost.  I briefly felt happy and at the same time I thought, who am I kidding I can never get into a relationship.  I am a relationship type girl, not a rebound person or a friends with benefits yet sometimes I wonder if I need to change that because clearly what I do doesn't work.  Yet because of this situation I have been in, it frustrates me to feel it pushes me to wonder things I normally wouldn't do.  Maybe a little desperation on my part.

[MessedWith]

A rebound definitely helped me in my ongoing detachment process. 

A month or so after the relationship ended, I was badly grieving and started aching for physical affection and sex (which I think I tie in closely to expressing love, and that's what I was really missing underneath all that grief-struck horniness).  I was crawling the walls! 

So I started going out and I met someone who was also rebounding and jumped right into bed.  I was clear and honest about it from the night we met that this was a rebound situation for me, that I didn't want anything serious and just wanted someone to have some fun and sex with to help me recover.  I made no space for falling in love and kept it a light and shallow relationship.  We both did.  After a couple of months I was ready to stop, my needs had changed and this person wasn't one I wanted to have a long-term relationship with. It went both ways, we ended it and no hearts were broken.   

It helped a lot to have that diversion.  It was a buffer so that the latest memories of fun, affection and sex weren't those of the exBPD.  It gave me some new, good memories with another person to dilute the overwhelming obsessive thoughts I was having about my exBPD.   And I stopped crawling the walls.  It reduced the grief and the shock of loss, and was the start of being able to see her in a new light ... . the red light of anger.

So yes, I think a fun, non-serious rebound relationship is a good idea for helping you detach quicker.  It would be a bad idea to go looking for love too soon though.