May I ask the guys on here something please re pregnancy and your BPD exes

[delusionalxox]

Please excuse me for asking a specifically 'gendered' question 

I am just ruminating today over how BPD ex could ignore my pregnancy so completely. I had to abort on the 17th of June. Could not bring up his child on my own as have 2 children already who would have suffered too much. AndI would have been alone. He would have been incapable of being with me and supporting me even if he had not already labelled me a destructive psycho :D

Some will know my story already on here. Ex and I had horrible, protracted breakup in which he relegated me to basically a shag and holiday buddy because I had 'said terrible things to him' (in response to terrible things he said and did, mostly) and because I had failed to 'consult' him about a house I was buying. In UK. Where he does not live and has no real plans to live. He's apparently off to Asia for 2 years now.

I had been raging at him a bit by text in early June (already pregnant, which always makes me a bit loopy) because he had pretty abruptly dumped me 2 weeks after promising me eternal friendship in an email, saying sorry for his faults and praising me to the skies. Saying it was his priority to have me in his life in some way 

The dump occurred because I asked my 'forever friend' for some support (just 2 lines would have done) when I was feeling really down (probably due to the protracted dump and devaluation process) and got upset when I didn't get any. And because I asked for some money back he had taken out of my purse when he had been here   I had to ask twice.

The dumping email said he had 'cared so much more than you could ever imagine and ever recognised... . I am not replying to you again because you will never stop this otherwise, your requests for compensation and the books which I asked you to return to my supervisor already... . you will do it again and again and again. I wish you serenity in your life without me. Even in the last moments of life it is possible to change. I wish you to stop hating.'

Anyway... . that was June 6.

On June 9 I found out I was pregnant. He read the message on FB but ignored it. Not a word of concern or recognition.

June 17 was the day of the procedure. I felt awful as you can imagine. Went through it at home on my own. Too much in despair and ashamed to ask for help from anyone. Practically begged him to explain to me what had been going on, why he dumped me after all this. The reply I got back was

this (quoted):

'The explanation is in the 50 and more texts and emails full of horribleness you sent me, since I told you I was going to stop replying for good reasons (which I already explained). Servalan, you have deeply damaged me. And now, you are not only tormenting me but you keep damaging me and I have tons of problems already. I am not saying this lightly in any way: my dreams and days are constantly devastated by the uncountable horrible things you said and did to me. That you acknowledge it or not, it does not change what has been for real (and neither erases the good things between us). Now, please keep your promise and stop it.'

That was it. Not a word about the abortion I was going through right the minute he emailed me. And none since.

(I said I would stop texting him and emailing if he would just tell me what had really been going on, just respond to me. I had sent a lot of texts, that bit is true. I was devastated, furious, pregnant and deeply confused. But I am not justifying this crazy behaviour).

Ex has painted me a beyond the pale psycho, dangerous lunatic etc. But at the time of the abortion we were in separate countries.

Can I ask please: if your BPD ex had told you she were pregnant in similar circumstances- perhaps while bombarding you with angry texts etc- what would you have done? Would any of you just have ignored it feeling it was too dangerous to respond etc?

I could never treat anyone that way. Although please rest assured I won't judge if any of you did ignore an ex in such a situation because you were so traumatised etc.

I guess I am just trying to understand his behaviour, to see if there is any way at all it can be justified. Friends have been telling me it crosses every line possible, is below the standards of human decency in any circumstances.

Yet on one level I am blaming myself, for not having controlled my texting and emailing of him after he ditched me out of the blue.

i just need to understand, then maybe I can forgive truly.

:'(

[Pretty Woman]

Servalan,

   I have never been in your situation and I want to express my condolences for the loss of your relationship and the loss of yourself in the process.

Your story sent chills down my spine. I was in a same sex relationship and we talked about me having a child. I am so glad that never happened. Your ex's response is so similar to mine it's uncanny. Every argument they play victim and that you ruined their lives. No regards for the fact you were carrying his child. So sad and I am very sorry you had to endure that treatment.

I know you will come out stronger for going through this though. My ex called me a psycho stalker and thretened a restraining order 48hrs after telling me she was leaving me for an ex but "loved me very much".

It's all bullhit and we don't deserve it. We are good people who want love (who doesn't) and we get manipulated by ppl with the emotional maturity of 3yo's. Don't beat yourself up, honey. If you are not seeing a therapist I highly recommend it. It has helped me out greatly.  Hugs!

[js friend]

Hi Servalan.

Sorry I cant talk from a male perspective but I have a close friend who went through a very similiar situation to you.

My friend and her fella had been an item over a year, he had moved in, they made plans for the future... . they had even talked about having kids. She thought they were really happy.

... . Then she found out she was pregnant . A few days later She gets home from work and he had moved out. When she called him he said she had ruined his life and other awful stuff.  After that he didnt answer any more calls or reply to any of her texts or emails. She was devastated of course and decided she couldnt go through with having the baby, and raising the child alone. All this time she was still calling him hopeful that he would at least want to talk about it but he would let it just ring out. then one day he answered... . anyway she told him  she lost the baby. suddenly he wanted to talk again, but didnt ask what happened. (she thinks friends had already told him) but Just kept asking her about herself, work etc. He Offered to come round to do some stuff around the house... . but nothing about the baby. 

He told her that he had left because she had been acting all crazy and he had left for her to calm down  and that he would have come back eventually and she should have known this.

She knows there is no going back now and she has changed her number... . but she is till devasted and what he has said has left her wondering if he really would have come back at some point in the pregnancy.Looking back she says now that he was never any good under any stressful situations, so she knows now that she could never fully rely on him helping her get thru anything in the future... . but she is still hurt.

dont blame yourself servalan. You were abandoned at your most vunerable by someone who should have been there emotionally for you but wasnt. You need to talk about what has happened to you and come to terms with it inorder to move forward.You are grieving 2 x over for this r/s and your loss. My friend has been seeing a counsellor for a few months now and it seems to be helping.  Ask for a referral from your gp if you dont know where to look for a t.

Talking it out will really help. I wish you all the best.


jsf

[KellyO]

I am not a man. But I have been through an abortion too, unfortunately (well, it is an experience no sane person wants to go through but sometimes it can't be helped). I was in a relationship that time, and we were both studying. Man was younger than me. For him it was out of question to keep the child, and I understood him. I knew I had no strength to raise a child on my own. I want to point out that this man had healthy head between his shoulders, but he was immature. What happened was that when I aborted myself by myself at my home, as it is done today with medicines, he was only thinking about himself. I got no support, no comfort, nothing. He felt bad about my abortion and my pain, and he decided to run away from it. I noticed right away he got very distant and passive-aggressive, and I could not take it. He found every excuse to find some fault in me (because he wanted just to get away from the situation I had put him in to... . and leave it behind), and it was something I was not used to get from him. He was not like that, and I had known him for 2 years. So, week after my abortion we separated for good. I think he just dumped the whole situation to some backyard of his mind because he did not know how to deal with it. We have never met since, never even changed an e-mail. He is a good man in many ways, but he is not good in dealing with problems. He just puts them on hold and waits them to disappear. He just is like that. I bled for month, he just... . I don't know what he did. Propably anything to get his mind out of it.

Now, I gave this example to show you how a "normal" man can be an a-hole in situation like that, just out of fear. Then we have your disordered guy here and situation gets a whole new dimension. For him it is not enough just to run and hide, he has to find someone to BLAIM for everything, and especially for his feelings. Because someone must be responsible for them, right? Someone has CAUSED them and it can't be him, since I would be astonished to see a day when disordered person takes any responsibility for anything. So how can he do this? He concentrates in your faults, your words, whatever does the job, magnifies them millionfold and after that, in his mind he is an innocent victim! My ex-disordered-bf  did exactly the same to justify his actions, like dumping me 5 hours before we were to leave for a holiday trip. Or dumping me after living 2 months together. It is a whole disordered mindset, and we can't understand it. It is what they do, always. That is why their accusations and justifications are so bizarre and unreal. They take this little truth (you were not perfect and my god, you even tried to stand for yourself now and then) and twist it to be a REASON for their actions. They need to feel innocent victims. This all is automatic, and actually they believe every person thinks like they do. At least my ex-bf did. They are always right, what ever they do, and if it means they have to fabricate and twist reality and lie, they will, because for them it is a must, there is no other way to deal with the situation.

Most resent realization of my ex-disordered-bf's behaviour is that when he abused me, he actually blaimed me for it too. Whenever he did something bad to me, in his mind I made him to do it, and now I was punished for that too. So, first I was abused, verbally, emotionally and almost physically too, and then I was punished for making him to abuse me! It is so sick when you think about it, no wonder it took me ages to get it.

I hope you will get over this in one piece, and if things get bad, get some help for yourself, don't try to get over it alone. Don't blaim yourself, don't be hard for yourself. And have nothing to do with that man ever again.