The pain continues, should I continue trying?

[overwhelmedandconfused]

Hello All,

I am looking for some serious advice out there. I have been in a relationship with someone who has Bipolar and BPD. We are on the ninth medicine regime and have been in constant cycles for 7 years. When he is doing well, things are quite good and I love him so much. But when he becomes "chemical" he is toxic, exhausting, disruptive, hurtful and downright nasty to anyone with an interpersonal relationship, but can keep it together to "pretend" in public or around others who don't know him well. He was diagnosed Bipolar in 11/ 2011, but I figured out that his symptoms are more BPD than bipolar and raised this concern to his psychiatrist who simply stated that yes he has it too and the two disorders can occur in concert. We have a child together who is becoming more aware and now doesn't want to talk to her daddy and will ask me to talk away from him so that "daddy doesn't get mad or upset". It is killing me that we both must walk on eggshells.

In my own home, I have relatively little control and have to validate him despite having no real support other than his family. I really have been cut off from the majority of my own friends and contacts due to him. I also feel that I could have advanced more academically and in my career if I had not been with him (I have a bachelor's in genetics from Cornell and had planned to go to medical school, but that was before being run through the ringer with him). I know that this has led to resentment on my part, which I know probably is impacting our relationship, but at the same time he holds it over me that he "gave up everything to move with me after I graduated back home (his choice) (an old convertible and a motorcycle he left when we moved back here due to him having a meltdown at our daughter's birth resulting in CPS investigation). I am tired of having things brought up that I did or not done in my past even before him. I am tired of everything I do being raked over the coals, while he expects everyone to forgive, forget and soothe him when he does something wrong (very much so) to anyone else. I am not allowed to have feelings he just calls it bi**ing or whine A**ing. Yet all of his feelings must be handled with utmost respect, dignity and sympathy or I am a heartless B.

Most recently, I totaled the car I have had since I was 22 (I am almost 30) and we purchased a new (used) car for two weeks I gently asked him to look for a part time job (he has been a stay at home couch potato for 3 years) while he was on break from school (a wine marketing student). I asked him to go to some tasting rooms in the area and inquire about positions. Unfortunately every day he majically was ill or had a panic attack, and while I am not making light of this condition, I feel that is an excuse at times because he is fine to go do other things just not ones he doesn't want to. After two weeks I had enough, I told him I would be better off alone and stated that if he didn't contribute something to the relationship it would be over. He took this as I was leaving instantly and threatened suicide more than once. He even woke me up to tell me that he had a shotgun in his mouth twice. I contacted the police and had him taken in for a pssych eval, which he begged and pleaded for me to do whatevewer it took to get him home and that he was sorry and that he was lazy and would do better.That was over a week ago, his meds have benn changed again, but he is now calling my work threatening me and demanding that I leave work to be with him, I can not do that, I did that at my last place of employment and lost my job over him. I am not willing to sacrifice the only source of income we have for his issues. I will not lose another job due to him.

At this point I just don't know how much is too much.  I am willing to go to his psychiatrist appointments, get counseling for myself and marriage once he is more chemically stable. I am trying to do everything possible because I want my family to work, but how much can I sacrifice my sanity and my daughter and I happiness.

[momtara]

You ask a good question.  He sounds a little like my soon to be ex.  (Ex went to far with a few lies and that's why we're breaking up; before that I walked on eggshells for a while).  It was amazing how I was able to breathe when I finally got away from him - how I could read a book without being made to feel guilty, take proper care of our kids, etc.  But of course, a marriage or relationship is a difficult thing to give up in this lonely world, esp if you have a kid together.

One thing you could try is making a long list of the things that absolutely will have to change for you to stay together - all the ridiculous things you are tired of, that you tiptoe around.  Try not to phrase all of them as accusatory.  But don't leave any important things unturned.  If he realizes you are serious about leaving (and it will take a lot to make him realize this) then maybe he will start working on these things.  Or have a private session with the shrink to talk about these things.

I am glad he at least tries to take medications, etc.  But there is a limit to how much you can be his keeper and keep dancing this very delicate dance you are doing.  And then there is your daughter too, having to be afraid of his emotions.

I know you don't want to threaten to leave, necessarily.  Frustrating situation, because that is sometimes the one thing that works - or actually leaving.  Maybe you need to make your list and talk with his therapist, or him, or send an email to him.  Depends on how he may react.

[overwhelmedandconfused]

Update:

I left Wednesday night after being told I was the reason he was not able to go to his parents lake house for the holiday weekend. Previously he had blamed a female family friend for ruining fathers day and he sis not want to be there since they were invited again. After all I have done and sacrificed, this was too much, so I left with our daughter and went to stay with his family (mine has turned their back on me because of him and I live where he grew up and have few contacts (beyond work) that are not tied to him). They welcomed us and we watched the fireworks together (minus H) and had a calm evening. I stayed with his sister, we went to breakfast, had some retail therapy (not done in years) and then I took my daughter swimming and to the park (bittersweet, because I was there for her first time really swimming in the lake and wished he weren't being such a jerk so he could have been too). It was very relaxing. I finally broke the silence in communication from him and we spoke calmly on the phone. He told me how he had been doing and asked if I could come home, I (stupidly) agreed. We came home to a cold shoulder, he lashed out at myself and child for mild transgressions, and later we talked and that went ok until I was getting ready for bed (slept on air mattress in child's room, not ready to let my guard down yet and he keeps me up all night ranting most of the time), he asked how I was going to leave without money. I have a job and the ability to take my paychecks to do what I need to do and if I were leaving him my family would be happy to help. This sent him into a tailspin because I just said I have my ways. He kept me up raging, then gave up when I didn't engage, so he started banging around the house swearing and being disruptive. I simply closed the door (it was open to allow air conditioning to get in) and ignored him. I dragged myself out of bed to come to work, one of the only places that I somewhat have solace. My coworkers are amazed that I can deal with the stress here so well, but it is calm and quiet compared to home, I guess it all depends on perspective. I am trying all the steps for staying and repairing a broken relationship, but being cautious and preparing for leaving at the same time, so if my work doesn't pay off I am not "stuck" as I have felt for years.

[momtara]

It takes a while for them sometimes to believe you are really leaving, and then for them to figure out how to change and try to get you back.  You will probably have to be firm so that he gets therapy and admits to his issues, and then have a plan for him to change.