Slipping into Cinisism. Plz Help

[Ittookthislong]

Going thru the same mixed emotions as everyone here. I made the mistake of asking for blunt advice from a blunt person. They told me that I need to not invest so much of my feelings into the guys I love, because im trying to avoid the truth by thinking he has a personality disorder. no matter what anyone says, that men get tired of women and he probably just found someone younger and more attractive.

this person also told me that id be happier in general if I expected to get cheated on and enjoyed myself but always expect men to want better.

theres some truth maybe to what he says but im feeling very cinical. whats the point. I don't want to be a man hater, theguys on here seem to have hearts, so I mean no disrespect.

if this is true I want to be alone forever. any kind words would help, basically I want people to tell me this guy is totally wrong but I do appreciate truth too ahaha

one things for certain, male or female, loyal people do go thru the most Bul$&**

[Ittookthislong]

the wise advice giver was a man so it hit harder

[Ittookthislong]

and please don't correct my spelling... . nows not the time

[morningagain]

Hey Darlin'   

Your wise man advice giver is just a wiseguy.

I am a man, and loyal, compassionate, intelligent, educated, empathetic, tough, at times too daggone sensitive (apparently), and flawed in a number of ways.

But I am loyal, and when I have fallen in love with a woman, she is as beautiful as the day I met her, every day - every single day.  Even when she turns out to be BPD, or gains or loses weight, with or without makeup.  WHO IS THIS GUY YOU ARE SEEKING ADVICE FROM?  To quote from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, "I spit in his general direction!"

And... . I am separated, and my BPD wife is the one who went off with the younger man (though far less attractive, educated, etc. - sorry, my ego is still kicking ) rather than work on a therapeutic separation.

I suppose a happily married man might make a mistake, but just not likely - I truly only had eyes for my wife.  I think if a relationship has really melted down indiscretion would be more likely to happen from either party.

At any rate, I am still alone.  I didn't cheat during our marriage either.  Since the break down, explosion, break up, I was still too in love and devastated - though while she was living with another man I thought about it but frankly by then I was too much of a mess.

So, find the right man, build a healthy, strong, mutually rewarding and empathetic relationship, and ignore the cad wiseguy giving you such nonsense for advice.

[bpdspell]

Going thru the same mixed emotions as everyone here. I made the mistake of asking for blunt advice from a blunt person. They told me that I need to not invest so much of my feelings into the guys I love, because im trying to avoid the truth by thinking he has a personality disorder. no matter what anyone says, that men get tired of women and he probably just found someone younger and more attractive.

this person also told me that id be happier in general if I expected to get cheated on and enjoyed myself but always expect men to want better.

theres some truth maybe to what he says but im feeling very cinical. whats the point. I don't want to be a man hater, theguys on here seem to have hearts, so I mean no disrespect.

if this is true I want to be alone forever. any kind words would help, basically I want people to tell me this guy is totally wrong but I do appreciate truth too ahaha

one things for certain, male or female, loyal people do go thru the most Bul$&**

I dunno.

Just because a person is blunt doesn't mean they're the gatekeepers of truth. Right now you are vulnerable, sensitive and wounded so you might have the inclination to view things in black and white.

But I think deep down you know the truth. All men aren't the same. Not all men cheat. And some men are loyal and committed to a fault. There's no one perfect person that walks this earth so let's not throw the baby out with the bath water.

Cynism and the glass is half-empty syndrome can creep into our thinking when we've experienced betrayal, devastation, and deep hurt. It can happen to the most even-keeled optimistic person so don't beat yourself up about it.

What's important to know is that you don't remain stuck in anger or cynicism because it can give you a false sense of power. In a way anger can protect us but if we hold onto it too long it will turn into rage, bitterness and resentment... . all unhealthy emotional states to live in.

When I struggled hopelessly with my BPD breakup my friends were the ones that gave me the worst advice. Some wanted me to give my ex another chance, some wanted me to sleep with another guy to repress my ruminating about the ex, some bought me a bottle   , some badgered me about not being "over" him      , and some just plain didn't understand the hold that this breakup had over me. None of my friends understood that I was in severe withdrawal from the fall out of a trauma bond. None of my friends understood the deep pain and emptiness I felt... .

Friends are not always our best resource in terms of emotional validation of what we've experienced. Friends and family can be a great source of emotional support but most are not equipped to help us in our understanding of the BPD toxic dance. In the case of a BPD breakup, friends will not have the answers that will make us feel better or soothe our understanding about love relationships.

Spell

[Ittookthislong]

thank you so much for the responses. yes I think I know deep down his advice is bad. the advice giver wasn't the keeper of truth but a trainer at a gym who sleeps with a different woman every night. so I wanted to believe he just thinks everyone thinks like him.

your right about friends or others not getting it. I actually lost 2 10+ year friends and was not invited to ones wedding or even told about it... . when I asked why I was told "Because you've changed, everybody wants the real you back but we are tired of trying" and with that they are gone.

I appreciate the encouragement it helps me hang on to the little teeny tiny thread of hope, that maybe ive had a bad cycle of surrounding myself with people that aren't right for me and its a new leaf. all new people. and this time I can pick ones with qualities I know I need now... . like empathy obviously, sheeesh

[GreenMango]

this person also told me that id be happier in general if I expected to get cheated on and enjoyed myself but always expect men to want better.

theres some truth maybe to what he says

That's only his truth.  It sounds like that's what he expects. 

Don't buy what he's selling here.

[Octoberfest]

It is not foolish to want someone who will be wholly committed to you. Someone who will not go out and cheat.  The sad reality is though that the world is full of hitty people.  That does not, however, mean that good ones do not exist.  They may just be harder to find.

I will leave you with an incredible piece of advice I once heard:

"Learn to recognize in others the different between errors in judgement and errors in character. Suffer and forgive the first; keep well clear of the second".

[delusionalxox]

I've been shallow in the past myself- heck my entire relationship with BPD ex was based initially on shallow attraction. But I've changed now. And others can change.

This guy is just another cynical user himself, caught in the trap of treating people as objects.

Your ex was indeed disordered. He lied, was cold, cruel, displayed that typical full on/ full off BPD behaviour.

People don't want to believe in personality disorders etc. They seem to see it as unnecessary introspection or complication.

And yeah I have been getting the exact same advice of 'move on, he was a ___, write him off forget him'. And it isn't as simple as that. We know better. People want simple explanations because they are being lazy! That's it.

[stop2think]

Oh, tell me about it! I AM surronded by people who say this, including all my friends and family.

We can't blame or disagree to what they say - It's THEIR PERCEPTION. Their experiences are very different from ours. And it is simple for people to classify 'Gender and their characteristics' as per their experience and their knowledge, and most time it's what they have been told by others.

I think we all have our own perceptions, and judgements - and at times like this we are seeking answers to decode the meaning behind why, how and what's after we leave or we are abandoned by pwPD.

It's natural to be cynical - as our exes have shaken our core,our belief systems cann take a hit.

As time passes and we learn more of the disorder - we find our own answers. I have shut myself from taking advice or suggestions from anyone who are not aware of PDs or i know will not understand what i have been going through. Just focusing on healing first. Setting strong boundaries, and guarding my vulnerability which is at peak now. And i looking for guidance from someone who is learned in this field and has experienced similar situations - hence Therapy does help.

[Ittookthislong]

octoberfest I love that quote